muse08 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 This is my first time in the marriage forum. Not married, but do see it as something I eventually want. However, at the rate that things are going now i'm not sure if marriage is something that I should think much about. I'm 33 and most of my friends are married. Most of them married shortly after undergrad. I wasn't ready then and I knew it. Not because I was dating a lot or promiscuous. I just needed to date MORE. Had little experience and needed to experience a few MORE heartbreaks...Not sure if I'm even ready now for marriage...Yes I enjoy the freedom being able to go as I please, only cook for myself when and if I feel like cooking, not have to answer to anyone when I stay out late, have to bed to myself unless I choose to have an overnight guest and not have to be responsible for the well being of anyone, but myself... HOWEVER...all that comes with a price of course. Not many people want to live this life in solitude 'til eternity. At least I don't. But as I said earlier, I'm 33. Yes I have "friends", just no one serious. I've been told that the vibe I put off is not always very warm and I'm not always aware it. So with that said, I'm at place where I am seriously trying to mentally prepare for a future of being single. It's not a bad thing per se, but it's something to be aware of. Are there any similar or contrasting views about this topic that is becoming more and more prevalent amongst females? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Nowadays people generally live however the hell they want without concern for what other people think. After reading your post it seems you would be best coupled with a man who is flexible, not jealous, not demanding and understanding beyond imagination. Those are out there...don't know if they would interest you though. Until you focus your thoughts on exactly what you want to do...if you want to be married or single forever....instead of sitting on the fence your life will remain exactly where it is. As long as you are happy, that's all that matters. As you move about in the your world, try to stay open to the possibilities. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Just swear off marriage forever, tell yourself and everyone you know that you're the 'chew 'em up and spit 'em out' kinda gal who can't be tied down, and next thing you know, you'll be married and popping out babies. Well, that's how it worked for me. Shoulda listened to myself. I like the kids pretty good, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author muse08 Posted October 12, 2008 Author Share Posted October 12, 2008 Nowadays people generally live however the hell they want without concern for what other people think. After reading your post it seems you would be best coupled with a man who is flexible, not jealous, not demanding and understanding beyond imagination. Those are out there...don't know if they would interest you though. Until you focus your thoughts on exactly what you want to do...if you want to be married or single forever....instead of sitting on the fence your life will remain exactly where it is. As long as you are happy, that's all that matters. As you move about in the your world, try to stay open to the possibilities. Good luck! whoa...lol. tony, i think u misunderstood me. i don't want to continue to be able to go as i please and be without a family. i want a family and a man who is firm and wants what i want, (stability). but for now it just seems as if that may not be meant for me. so i'm trying to accept that, seeing how i have tried not to think about marriage for the last few years anyway. thanks for the reply though! Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Well, if it's any help, I know a woman who stayed single from age 30 until age 48 and didn't even date for the last 13 years or so. Somehow I persuaded her to go out with and then marry me and we're about to celebrate our 12th anniversary. Never say "never." Link to post Share on other sites
Author muse08 Posted October 12, 2008 Author Share Posted October 12, 2008 Well, if it's any help, I know a woman who stayed single from age 30 until age 48 and didn't even date for the last 13 years or so. Somehow I persuaded her to go out with and then marry me and we're about to celebrate our 12th anniversary. Never say "never." wow...curmudgeon. thanks! this gives people hope. all jokes aside i am sincerely happy for you both. can you give me some background of her situation and what made her stay single so long? what drew you to her and where you both met? i'd really appreciate it! looking forward to your response! Link to post Share on other sites
Author muse08 Posted October 12, 2008 Author Share Posted October 12, 2008 Well, if it's any help, I know a woman who stayed single from age 30 until age 48 and didn't even date for the last 13 years or so. Somehow I persuaded her to go out with and then marry me and we're about to celebrate our 12th anniversary. Never say "never." wow...curmudgeon. thanks! this gives people hope. all jokes aside i am sincerely happy for you both. can you give me some background of her situation and what made her stay single so long? what drew you to her and where you both met? i'd really appreciate it! looking forward to your response! i'm not a total nay-sayer, so i'm hungry for more! Link to post Share on other sites
Author muse08 Posted October 12, 2008 Author Share Posted October 12, 2008 Just swear off marriage forever, tell yourself and everyone you know that you're the 'chew 'em up and spit 'em out' kinda gal who can't be tied down, and next thing you know, you'll be married and popping out babies. Well, that's how it worked for me. Shoulda listened to myself. I like the kids pretty good, though. lonelyandfrustrated- so you're single again? glad you at least like the kids, lol... Link to post Share on other sites
Konfuzion Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 As soon as you except being single guess whats gonna happen, like someone already mentioned you will end up in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Dominique Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Remain open to marriage. As Curm said, it can happen anytime. Be someone, someone would want to marry. Just follow your passions and keep your eyes open and your values high. I am not married but I have been proposed to more than once and marriage is absolutely something I believe in. DOM Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 wow...curmudgeon. thanks! this gives people hope. all jokes aside i am sincerely happy for you both. can you give me some background of her situation and what made her stay single so long? what drew you to her and where you both met? i'd really appreciate it! looking forward to your response! She stayed married for seven years to a complete and utter loser who wouldn't properly support the family after they had two daughters. Then he started to become abusive and she left when the girls were 18 months and four years old. She tried dating for awhile but I think her man picker was defective. After a few years she decided it was as well and she concentrated on working and raising her daughters as a single, working mom with no support, of any kind, from their father. She and I met in 1992 the first day I began a new job. She was not exactly friendly, actually rather dismissive. That kind of intrigued me. Three years later my, then, wife left me and for the next two years I worked on correcting what I recognized as some of my flaws. During those five years this somewhat distant and distrustful lady became a work friend and we grew to admire and respect one another on the job, and that's all it was. I found her to be delightfully independent. She couldn't find a reason not to trust me. At age 50 I asked her out. She was 48 and by then she and I could talk easily with one another. I wanted to take a bit of a day trip to the beach and thought she'd be good company. There was no thought of romance and she did, indeed, turn out to be good company. We went out the next day as well then met for lunch, dinner or drinks every day of the week but one thereafter. That next weekend I invited her to my home so I could cook for her (one of my strengths) and she never left. We were engaged two weeks later and married six weeks after that. I will retire on December 30 of this year. That same day we will celebrate our 12th anniversary. That's it! Between us we have seven children and nine grandchildren scattered throughout several states and cities. Life has been good to us! Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Muse I was married at 39. She was 41 divorced from an abusive husband at 21. They called her the ice queen because no one made headway dating her. It was worth the wait! Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 As soon as you except being single guess whats gonna happen, like someone already mentioned you will end up in a relationship. I just found out how true this statement is, I can't believe it! Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 They called her the ice queen because no one made headway dating her. It was worth the wait! And my wife was known as the perfect Ice Maiden. Decidedly worth the wait. Link to post Share on other sites
Author muse08 Posted October 13, 2008 Author Share Posted October 13, 2008 Remain open to marriage. As Curm said, it can happen anytime. Be someone, someone would want to marry. Just follow your passions and keep your eyes open and your values high. I am not married but I have been proposed to more than once and marriage is absolutely something I believe in. DOM thank you. your advice sounds very wise. however can you please tell me what you mean by "be someone, someone wants to marry". i honestly don't know what that means. i try to be myself and be kind and giving and responsible and independent(which is an inhate characteristic that i think i picked up from my mother). i am a product of divorce. parents divorced when i was 4yrs-old. raised by my mother; mother never remarried. i do observe relationships around me and i'm trying hard to work on myself while i'm single. but i keep finding myself in some sort of relationship... ESPECIALLY when i tell myself i'm about to just CHILL... but there is something inside of me, something that i'm allowing into my life that may be too , something in these men that may be subcontiously drawing me to them and allowing them into my life. i pray to not allow men into my life that remind me of him because he's not a good provider and is not emotionally sound. perhaps i'm more like him than the men i date...who knows.this is why i'm working on myself and asking these questions. sincerely and merely, ~muSe~ Link to post Share on other sites
Author muse08 Posted October 13, 2008 Author Share Posted October 13, 2008 "That's it! Between us we have seven children and nine grandchildren scattered throughout several states and cities. Life has been good to us!" Curm- this brought tears to my eyes. she sounds so much like me. i'm very distrustful and with reason to be. however, i don't want this to be my "chorus" in life. i want to be able to trust and trust my own judgement of men. i'm independent as well, because i truly like my own space and time and probably because i saw my mother doing everything and i never saw myself depending on a man for my well being, happiness, etc...not even a little bit! i am so happy for your wife. she sounded like a strong independent woman who deserved a man to help share her load, similar to so many other women in our society. your marriage sounds like a solid one that i admire even though i haven't met you. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 muse, put less focus on being married and more focus on shaping your life the way you want it to be. Marriage and relationships aren't the be all in life. If anything, they limit your ability to accomplish what you want to accomplish. They also limit your freedom, no matter what kind of man you find. Link to post Share on other sites
Author muse08 Posted October 13, 2008 Author Share Posted October 13, 2008 Just wanted to clarify my INITIAL THREAD to everyone by saying that I DO want a lasting relationship. In the initial thread I intended to just tell my current situation of being single... I just got out of a relationship, which I thought would be a turning point in my life. but it ended unexpectedly, leaving me with a reality check and feeling sad and void. I am now recovering from the "heartbreak" and thus wondering if I need to accept being single or what...don't like the feeling of heartbreak. this last one hit me HARD. So this forum is a blessing to me and I truly appreciate all the feedback. Though I truly enjoy my own space and time, I DO NOT want to live this life alone, but things just haven't worked out for me in the "long-term" relationship department. I need a breakthrough! Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 your marriage sounds like a solid one that i admire even though i haven't met you. Thank you, but it didn't just happen. Marriage, any relationship in fact, takes a lot of work and that's what we were committed to. We've had some real rough spots to get over, even as recently as about three years ago, but we are both committed to all the children, all the grandchildren and, above all, one another and our marriage. That comes first! In the beginning my wife warned me that she didn't know how to be one. She was right. Her independence was paramount. As we worked together, shared chores, finances and life I became less "traditional" and she became more comfortable. It's been a long-haul and well worth the labor. In summary, I think the reason it has worked so well is that we each married our friend, we were each willing to accomodate the other to a reasonable degree and we waited about 50 years for one another. The only true deal-breaker would have been infidelity and that has never been an issue. Everything else we work on together. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 muse, now isn't the time to be running through this possibility, post breakup. Now's the time to recover your moxy and stabilize your emotions. Once this has been accomplished, then it's time to run through what part each of you played in the breakup. If and when you define your side of it, look to past relationships and see if there's a pattern of behaviour to change within yourself. Also, in knowing what part he played, you can utilize this as a way to red flag your future partners. To jump from breakup to never being married, is self-defeating. Look to you, forget the rest. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 Once this has been accomplished, then it's time to run through what part each of you played in the breakup. Look to you, forget the rest. Precisely! That process took me two years of living like a monk and concentrating upon and fixing my faults. It was well worth the effort! Link to post Share on other sites
Author muse08 Posted October 13, 2008 Author Share Posted October 13, 2008 Precisely! That process took me two years of living like a monk and concentrating upon and fixing my faults. It was well worth the effort! first things first. is out of sight out of mind a good thing? should i delete him as one of my online contacts, so i won't have to know when he's online? i haven't made contact w/him but want to. i know i don't need to though in order to heal, i guess... Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 first things first. is out of sight out of mind a good thing? should i delete him as one of my online contacts, so i won't have to know when he's online? i haven't made contact w/him but want to. i know i don't need to though in order to heal, i guess... Yes! In my case there weer children involved but I took care not to communicate except as related to them. When the relationship/marriage was over it was precisely that. I cared about her as the mother of my children, still do, but I didn't/don't care FOR her. Dwelling on a past relationship and the other person in it will only hold you back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author muse08 Posted October 13, 2008 Author Share Posted October 13, 2008 thank u curm. i just took your advice. i want this pain to go away and need some true healing. i'm tired of repeating the patterns. yes, in regards to trialbyfire, i do see patterns in the men i allow into my space and how i deal with them. it's something i've struggled with for years. then when things don't work out, it affects my whole world. i'm an artist and musician and no longer feel inspired to perform or create. it's a mixture btwn my job and the failed relationship(s). a guy just approached me at the grocery store last night. i wasn't even excited about him, but the average woman perhaps would be. i'm just tired of this whole meet and greet and date thing. i'm ready for a true change and new results...i welcome your feedback curm, please... Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 ...i welcome your feedback curm, please... Don't get discouraged! Allow yourself to heal. Concentrate on you. As my wife proves, it's rarely ever too late, even if you have to kiss a lot of toads in the process. I'm not goingt to portray myself as Prince Charming but I was able to bring her what she needed and she brought me the same. She was 48 and I was 50 when it happened -- two acquaintances/work friends for five years who both took a chance and fell in love on our first date. If it happened for a couple of old fogies like us it can certainly happen for anyone so long as they're open to it and willing to put in the hard work. I recently turned 62 and my wife will be 60 at the end of the month. Neither of us can imagine life without the other given our 17 years of friendship. It took us half a lifetime but was well worth the wait! Your turn's coming. It just might take awhile. Richard Bach had it right in his book Illusions when he wrote, "Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they're yours!" Link to post Share on other sites
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