online "cheating"

[itgirlragdoll]

So just for a little background info, my boyfriend and I met about 5 months ago on an online dating site. We had kept our profiles up until this point but changed our status to "in a relationship" or whatever. To be honest I was still checking mine once in a while (and he checked his) but nothing even remotely serious.

 

Well I guess after using his computer one day I didn't log out all the way and he looked at my outbox messages. There were only like two messages in there, and both of them were just chatty small talk, completely innocent ("I'm well, how are you? How about this weather!" kind of stuff). And with both guys I had ended the correspondence after that initial small talk. But he got a little bit upset that I was talking to other people at all and I explained to him that I was just kind of insecure in our relationship and sometimes would seek out that "reassurance" that there were other people out there. He said he understood and wasn't mad but just would like me to stop communicating with people on there, so I did.

 

Well the next time I was over at his place I wanted to make sure he had logged me off of my account. He had and he was logged in himself. I guess almost feeling "entitled" at that point I decided to look at his messages.

 

I ended up seeing correspondences with two different girls; one with whom the conversation had been pretty innocent up until the last few messages where they exchanged phone numbers and agreed to go out on a date next weekend. The messages between him and the other girl were just downright dirty raunchy messages but with no phone number exchanges or anything (yet).

 

I was so upset. I couldn't believe what I had just seen. My heart started racing and I got really hot and felt like I couldn't breathe. I have never ever experienced that feeling before and it was awful.

 

I put the computer down, went into his room, and gathered up all the clothes and miscellaneous things I had left over the course of the past few months. I told him that he had some nerve, criticizing me for merely talking to people when he was actively attempting to DATE other people. I was ready to leave and never come back really; I was livid. He told me not to leave and to let's just talk about it, and I calmed down a little.

 

I guess his "reasoning" for doing it was that he was insecure as well. However I think it's ridiculous that he took it that far. We talked for a good three hours and he was absolutely terrified of the idea of losing me and never seeing me again and must have told me a hundred times how much he loves me and how lucky he is to have me and etc etc. I agreed to try to work it out.

 

Now he's deleted not only his account on that website but as well as on myspace and all things of the like. I deleted mine as well. But I am having so much trouble getting over what I saw. I am so upset. I am so hurt. And I worry that I will never be able to fully trust him again.

 

For those of you that have gone through something like this, were you ever able to trust again? How did you cope with it personally?

 

Looking for any advice. Did I do the right thing by taking him back?

[Geishawhelk]

Ok.

 

Say you have a minor car accident, and you have a minor shunt with someone.

They get out of their car yelling and cussing, and you apologise, exchange details and you rectify matters.

 

How would you feel if, about to drive off one day, you saw them coming at your car with baseball bats, and start hitting your car?

 

"That's just to let you know we don't like the fact you crashed into us!"

 

You'd think they were pretty nutso, wouldn't you?

 

Well that's what you're doing,

You're getting mad over something he's apologised for, and rectified.

 

If he does it again, or you discover it's still going on - then use 'baseball bat tactics. Make sure you have motive.

For now, chill and leave it behind. it's just hurting you more to dwell on it.

If it comes up again, as a topic of discussion, just say to him - "I'd rather you were honest with me. As far as I can tell, people go to do stuff like this, if there's something already amiss in the relationship. You felt misunderstood and unconnected.

Get to feel that way again - don't go cruising for sex - talk to me. And if I feel there's a problem, I promise to talk to you."

[whichwayisup]

I guess his "reasoning" for doing it was that he was insecure as well. However I think it's ridiculous that he took it that far.

 

But can you understand WHY he felt insecure after seeing your messages? Even though your messages didn't imply anything like you were going to continue dating - Fact is, BOTH of you should've taken yourselves OFF the dating site to begin with since you two are a couple! Sure, he reacted, got upset and figured "hey, she's still on there talking to guys, so why can't I?" I doubt he was actually going to hook up with anyone, but figured you were about to..

 

Let his actions show he's trustworthy again. Let it go and try to look past this, and focus on what you two have together now.

[Krisa]

My husband and I met on a dating site, and he actually took his profile down before me. I took mine off a few weeks later (i wasn't looking for anyone else, just hardly got on my profile to remove it) Anyways... We deleted them before actually meeting, to show that we were serious, about wanting a serious relationship.

 

I would have been beyond ticked off if i found those dirty email.... Noway would i have stuck around. If he wasn't happy about something he knows to come to me, not turn to others to fix the problem. Your guy set up a date....thats crosssing the line IMO. will you ever trust him again? or will that thought be in the back of your mind 24/7 and eat at you? If you're like me...you can never forget.

 

wish you luck

[itgirlragdoll]

Ok.

 

Say you have a minor car accident, and you have a minor shunt with someone.

They get out of their car yelling and cussing, and you apologise, exchange details and you rectify matters.

 

How would you feel if, about to drive off one day, you saw them coming at your car with baseball bats, and start hitting your car?

 

"That's just to let you know we don't like the fact you crashed into us!"

 

You'd think they were pretty nutso, wouldn't you?

 

Well that's what you're doing,

You're getting mad over something he's apologised for, and rectified.

 

If he does it again, or you discover it's still going on - then use 'baseball bat tactics. Make sure you have motive.

For now, chill and leave it behind. it's just hurting you more to dwell on it.

If it comes up again, as a topic of discussion, just say to him - "I'd rather you were honest with me. As far as I can tell, people go to do stuff like this, if there's something already amiss in the relationship. You felt misunderstood and unconnected.

Get to feel that way again - don't go cruising for sex - talk to me. And if I feel there's a problem, I promise to talk to you."

 

Oh I agree. And ever since he apologized and rectified everything I haven't so much as mentioned it to him. I haven't displayed that I am still "mad" about it or anything. That's why I came here to talk about it instead...it's frustrating that those thoughts are still in the back of my mind all the time.

[Geishawhelk]

Ask yourself why then, you feel unable to let them go....

Issues of trust?

Lack of self-confidence?

I'm not judging or criticising. I'm just trying to get you to focus and clear your mind.....

[Insty]

This has never happened to me, so you can take my reaction for what it's worth, but I don't think you're overreacting. And I don't think it was a bad decision to take him back. It says something about him that he exchanged raunchy messages with someone else while was involved with you. Even if he's agreed to stop, one wonders why he would have done such a thing in the first place. I don't think "insecurity" is a very good answer. There are lots of ways of dealing with insecurity besides exchanging sex talk with other people. That said, I believe people can change and, within reason, should probably be forgiven. I think it's perfectly reasonable to think of him as "on probation" at this point. Either he remains faithful over time (in which case he seems like a keeper) or he doesn't (in which case, he should be kicked to the curb).

[Touche]

I'd rather you were honest with me. As far as I can tell, people go to do stuff like this, if there's something already amiss in the relationship. You felt misunderstood and unconnected.

 

Not so. Sorry. I just had to correct this for those who have been done wrong and who have done wrong themselves.

 

That is absolutely NOT always the case. Sometimes it's one's OWN failing (or the other person's, as the case may be.)

 

Many of us have our own weaknesses and failings that have zero to do with our partners.

 

Please know that.

 

Some can realize they've done wrong and never do it again and with others it's a pattern that will never change.

 

Know which one you BOTH are.

 

And also keep in mind that nothing physical has happened with someone else on either of your parts..and yes, that does mean something in my book.

 

Keep the lines of communication open. This doesn't have to end in disaster.

 

I can tell you though that if you still harbor resentment, it will end badly. You either have to get it out in the open with him or vent here and let it go.

[hotkitten]

I have had a very similar thing with my husband. I've never been into the whole internet dating thing to be honest and I don't really get it. Howver, when we'd been together a couple of moths I found my husband had been talking to lots of random girls on MSN. I couldn't read their conversations as he'd deleted the history, but their names were very suggestive to say the least!

 

I confronted him about it and he denied it at first, saying he'd never heard of the girls and didn't know how their names came to be on his MSN. I'm not stupid, i know they got on there because HE ADDED THEM!!!

 

So eventually I kept on about it and he admitted that he'd had "cyber sex" with them. It also came out that he'd been advertising himself on dating websites, admitting he was in a relationship but was still looking for causual sex!

 

I felt like my insides had been ripped out. I've honestly never felt so awful in my whole entire life. I couldn't get over it for quite a while, it felt like he'd cheated on me. Though at first he didn't seem to see it that way, he eventually admitted that if I'd have done it to him he would've hated it. We had some serious crisis talks and, after a lot of soul seraching, we decided to give it another try. He got so upset and said how much he loved me and couldn't bear the thought of us ever being apart.

 

He said he was so sorry and he only did it because he was insecure - he'd never have dreamed about meeting any of these girls in person but he wanted some kind of reassurance that he was attractive. It came out that he'd thought he was ugly his whole life and that he thought no woman could ever really find him attractive (which, if you saw my husband, you'd think is ridiculous - loads of girls fancy him, which I'm very proud of!) He gave me the passwords to all of his accounts so that I could see he'd never replied to (or even read most of) the responses to his adverts looking for "no strings attached sex".

 

He deleted all his accounts and for a while I had complete control of the computer so that I knew he wasn't going on the sites again. He even went to counselling to get to the root cause of his self-esteem issues, and thankfully now can see he's attractive so has no need to seek reassrance elsewhere! My trust was seriously dented though and it's only now, after almost three years of him being totally open and honest, that things are totally back on track between us and I trust him explicitly.

 

My advice is to take things slowly, talk to each other and, most importantly of all, be honest. Try to get to the bottom of why he feels insecure and be there for him to help him resolve those issues in the long term, but only if you feel he's worth it and that you're able to do so without too much hurt to yourself.

 

Take care and good luck. X

[Geishawhelk]

Not so. Sorry. I just had to correct this for those who have been done wrong and who have done wrong themselves.

That would include me....

 

There's always a reaon for doing wrong. The reason is lack of will-power. Far easier to follow one's groin than to try to analyse why this is happening in the first place.

 

Infidelities are built on excuses.

 

"it's not you, it's me....." "My wife doesn't understand me...." "S/he's gone off sex....." "We're drifting apart anyway...."

 

That is absolutely NOT always the case. Sometimes it's one's OWN failing (or the other person's, as the case may be.)

 

Specify....Then I'll specify too.....

 

Many of us have our own weaknesses and failings that have zero to do with our partners.

They have EVERYTHING to do with our partners, if we permit these failings to get in the way of our happiness and theirs!

 

Some can realize they've done wrong and never do it again and with others it's a pattern that will never change.

Truly remorseful against serial player/cheater, you mean.,... weak-willed and effortless....

 

Know which one you BOTH are.

The only way to do that is to be connected! Communication is the basis of every reltionship, alongside trust and respect!

 

And also keep in mind that nothing physical has happened with someone else on either of your parts..and yes, that does mean something in my book.

 

It just means they either got found out in time, or they had a tweak of conscience.

But what tweaked the conscience? The fact that there was already something amiss that needed addressing.... "What am I DOING - ?" Thinking of being unfaithful, because.... something's missing at home! So let's infill elsewhere!

 

Keep the lines of communication open. This doesn't have to end in disaster.

 

Ooooh.....

people go to do stuff like this, if there's something already amiss in the relationship. You felt misunderstood and unconnected..

 

You mean....

[JamesM]

I am not sure if I missed it, but perhaps HE looked at YOUR emails because HE was already cheating on line?

 

I question the idea that he did it after you. Besides, compared to his...based on your posts, your was friendly chatter.

[AriaIncognito]

I'm sorry but, I'd be really suspicious and probably would have had to walk away.

 

I had a situation in which my now ex never took down his dating profiles. Unbeknownst to me, he kept me around knowing I wasn't "the one" in order to stroke his own ego and satisfy his need for having someone on his arm/for company until he found someone he felt could be "the one".

 

I'd be wary. He set up a date. He wasn't just being friendly. You dont have to set up dates....