coolhippiecat Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 So I will try to make this quick: I have been married for 8.5 yrs,pretty happy marriage for the first 6.5 yrs. Husband is very angry and cusses and controlling with $ . HOwever, for a long time I had a lower self esteem and we were a good "fit". He would browbeat me, kind of bully me into submission and I let it.. I played the victim I guess you could say. I was happy given what was going on as usually we got along good except for the occasional pretty bad fight. I don't know if that makes sense but he is great unless there is too much alcohol and then he can be pretty volatile.. Overthe last few years, I have grown as a person and realized that I don't deserve that treatment. BTW , I have always told him that I don't like to be called names etc. 6 mos ago I had an affair (emotional) and moved out. That made me realize the depth of my unhappiness. The hubby and I had always had a pretty mediocre sex life, and I figured it would "do" as everything else was pretty good. But once I got out, I realized that I actually like sex. WIth the H, it is always about him in the bedroom. So now I am not seeing the OM as I want to have clarity and the H and I are starting MC. We tried a bit in the past but this is the first time that we are both on the same page with it. He is really trying to rein in the temper (Cutting back on the drinking is helping) and he really wants the marriage to work. I think that there is potential that it can as I really enjoy his company,esp.now. I have a great time with him (when there is not too much alcohol esp) and we just laugh and laugh. My question is that I know now that I am capable of enjoying sex and I wonder if it can become better with him? I just don't find him sexually attractive anymore (although I find him handsome so that is weird) but can it return? He has been my best friend (even when we were having probs) and I don't want to throw away a relationship for something that I have no idea I can find with someone else. BTW, I know that it is unlikely that the OM and I would work out as I know the statistics and I am really wanting advice. Can a person rekindle or start sexual attraction again? I want to be as fair to him as possible.. should we do sex counseling as well? Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Did you fully disclosed to your H that you slept with the OM? Link to post Share on other sites
lovejunkie10 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Yes, I was honest with the H. He had a tougher time knowing that there was passion there that had been missing in our relationship. He wants to know if I think I can get it "back" and I just don't know. I mean, it was ok prior to about 2 years ago.. not the best but there were some good times. I think tho that he started being very angry in general because of stress and took it out on me. At that point, I think without realizing it I started not being into the sex as a result. I told him that for women, sex starts outside of the bedroom. Not being happy there meant that I was not happy in the bedroom .. Link to post Share on other sites
lovejunkie10 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 btw, for some reason my computer signed me in as a diff (old ) name. same poster! Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 I would suggest working on the relationship & the sex will come later. There could be loss of trust in your marriage, there could be respect issues and the drinking all could be issues & once you get everything figured out I really do feel the sex will be better for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Although I would love to say yes... I don't think it can work in the long run.. it will probably bet all lovey-dovey at first, then the old habits will come back.. especially is he hasn't quit the alcohol... You can always try it .. but as soon as it gets 'old' again.. move out and stay out... make yourself a new life and start over again.. life is too short to settle for mediocrity... You have lived in a mediocre life with him.. you went outside to see that life is not about being abused and victimized.. there is way more ... No man/woman are worth being and STAYING miserable for.. Link to post Share on other sites
lovejunkie10 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Yeah, that is honestly what I am worried about. Like, for right now, he is being really sweet but if stress crops up or the drinking then it may change. My IC says that we are all run by programs and if we are not fully Present in the moment and aware, then the old patterns will step in and take over. The H is going to the same counselor that I go to and interestingly enough, she is kinda pushing me to be not with him. Well, I wouldn't say pushing me but she is telling me that I know the answer in my heart and that I am thinking with my head. She has seen both of us (me straight thru for about 2 years ) and him for about 8 mos. He just started back with her. She says that he is a bully as he is so strong willed and opinionated in his beliefs that I have a really difficult time standing up for myself. As well, she says I am co dependent as I am having such a hard time figuring out to stay or go. Like who am I without a guy. The H says it is all about the other guy but it really isn't.. I would say he was a symptom.. Link to post Share on other sites
lovejunkie10 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 One more thing: also the H is really pushing for sex. I really am not into it.. there are way too many issues around it and I have too much stress over it to want to do it let alone enjoy it.. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 One more thing: also the H is really pushing for sex. I really am not into it.. there are way too many issues around it and I have too much stress over it to want to do it let alone enjoy it.. Be honest with him & just tell him at this time you are not wanting sex, that you feel there is work that needs to be done in the relationship & sex will confuse the building of the marriage. If he starts getting mad or he starts to say; sex is more important or other things that raise a "red" flag then you know sex is all he wants & the changes he is working on are not for the right reason. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Yeah, that is honestly what I am worried about. Like, for right now, he is being really sweet but if stress crops up or the drinking then it may change. She has seen both of us (me straight thru for about 2 years ) and him for about 8 mos. He just started back with her. She says that he is a bully as he is so strong willed and opinionated in his beliefs that I have a really difficult time standing up for myself. As well, she says I am co dependent as I am having such a hard time figuring out to stay or go. Like who am I without a guy. The H says it is all about the other guy but it really isn't.. I would say he was a symptom.. WOW your H sounds like I am/was except for the drinking. My counselor suggested that my stbxw & I were co-dependent on each other and said our marriage was probably up & down a lot, which it was. My stbxw also had difficulty standing up for herself because I wouldn't listen, I didn't take her thoughts & ideas into consideration so we just didn't work as a team. The stbxw was also on depression meds & I would blame them on how she acted, I would also try & defend myself with everything she would share that she felt was wrong, I didn't listen and she just gave up trying.... The difference between your H & me is I'm doing something about it. I'm going to counseling, divorce classes & plan on doing some boundary classes in a couple of months. The stbxw was the one that moved out, she was the one that gave up on our marriage but would I take her back? That is a question that can't be answered because like your situation there to much hurt in the past that you would always be thinking; is that old person going to come back, well it go back to the way it was? He knows the buttons to push & there is a chance you do the same to him without even knowing it, I know that happened in my relationship & to learn not to do that I feel would be very hard. The stbxw & I did get back together after a 7 month separation & things were not the same as before the separation but they weren't good either. It is to early for me to say if I would take her back but I wonder if once there is so much hurt & pain done that you could work things out? Link to post Share on other sites
lovejunkie10 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Thank you for all the considered responses. I don't know if there is too much hurt there now.. I think that time will tell. We go to see the MC tomorrow afternoon and I am really hoping that she supports me on the sex aspect. Also, he is really pressing me to move back in. One of the problems that we have had is that he really controls the $. It took a LOT of guts for me to move out. I really had no $ and even still he is giving me 1k a mo to help me survive. I have a new business so it is difficult.. anyway, if I move back in and then it really doesn't work out then I am in an even stickier position than before. Also, we had gotten to the point of actually talking about divorce and splitting of assets and I was extremely appalled to find out what he felt I was worth. Like, he wanted me to walk away from the marriage with such a paltry sum I just bawled. His position is that since he made (makes) 90% of the $ in the relationship then if we split it needs to be reflected (never mind the fact that I put in $ as well- all I had from the death of my mother). We had a prenup so that is what I think he is thinking..but I am on a lot of the assets. not to muddy the waters but all this goes thru my mind as well.. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Thank you for all the considered responses. I don't know if there is too much hurt there now.. I think that time will tell. We go to see the MC tomorrow afternoon and I am really hoping that she supports me on the sex aspect. Also, he is really pressing me to move back in. One of the problems that we have had is that he really controls the $. It took a LOT of guts for me to move out. I really had no $ and even still he is giving me 1k a mo to help me survive. I have a new business so it is difficult.. anyway, if I move back in and then it really doesn't work out then I am in an even stickier position than before. Again I have to look at my own situation to be able to give you things to think about. My stbxw moved out 2 yrs ago, we were separated for 7 months. It took her 6 months to finally start missing me (I feel it was because she was getting behind on bills) but then we started to see each other, do things together. Luckily it was winter time & we got a really big snow storm so we worked together snow blowing my drive, her parking area, my folks & my dad's business and that really gave us time to be together. We started going out on dates & doing a few things but now looking back we were not ready to move back in. "I" was more worried about the money we were losing being separated, and I feel we were both lonely because neither of us had been on our own before & we didn't learn what we needed to & that is also part of why she is gone again, but this time it is for good. If you still are having questions I would not move back in, just let him know you are not ready to move back, you want to make sure you have done the work you feel you need to do to make the marriage better. Don't tell him you think he needs to change but to let him know it is you so he won't get defensive. I really feel once a couple separates they need to really do some soul searching & work on themselves to be able to go back into the relationship stronger & healthier & that will only make the marriage better. Coming from the side of your H I really don't feel he has done the work he needs to do to make a difference. I know the 7 months was not enough for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Karma101 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Personally, I am a very physical person. With my XH, I became so emotionally detached that not only did I have no desire to be intimate with him, but it became physically painful if I tried. After a separation of almost a year, we did try to reconcile. We lasted about 8 months. I was not able to regain that emotional attachment w/ him and still had no desire to be physically intimate with him. I have read many articles that suggest once a woman detaches enough from her spouse enough to have a physical affair, it is very hard to rebuild that "attraction" for her husband, long term anyway. As someone who was married to an alcoholic, your repeated reference to the problems associated with his drinking is what stood out most to me. Don't underestimate this "problem". It is progressive in nature and does not just go away. And if it is a problem for you, it IS a problem. And while I have the utmost respect for those that take control of their lives and are able to recover from alcoholism, it is a life filled with ups and downs and relapses are more common than not. It is not a life I would wish on my worst enemy. I can't believe that I lasted 11 years with that man. I barely got out with my own life... and sanity. Link to post Share on other sites
Karma101 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 I had come to believe that maybe I really didn't like sex afterall while married. After my divorce, I dated a wonderful man for almost 10 months, and let me tell you, I certainly do like to have sex. And lots of it. I just didn't like to have it with my husband given our history of marital problems. I could have never overcome those feelings and regained any significant amount of attraction for him. Life is too short not to get busy with someone who can make your toes curl!!! Link to post Share on other sites
lovejunkie10 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 To be honest, I think that we both need to do work. Apparently I am more disfunctional than I realized. But one of the reasons that I moved out is I realized that I need to have passion for my partner. I had lived without it for such a long time that it was ok.. I thought that the other things we had made up for it and we were good friends so it was not that I was "settling" but rather that I was picking and choosing what was important to me. Then, when I got out and had some physical intimacy with the OM, I was like, OMG, this has never been like this with anyone. AND he is a very nice guy and is what I would consider a "keeper". So that compounds things.. I know it is possible to start with some kind of passion right? Link to post Share on other sites
Karma101 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 "I" could not regain that passion for my XH. And after having been in a relationship filled with passion and intimacy, I will never settle again. I want a partner in a relationship, I want a best friend, I want comfort, stability and all that good stuff... but I also want PASSION. No exceptions. I want to be with someone who I can't keep my hands off. Life is too freakin' short, for me anyway!!! Then again, I'm in my mid-30's which they say is a woman's sexual prime! Link to post Share on other sites
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