my boyfriend goes vacations with his female friend

[loveattack]

First i would like to say hi to all the members of this forum

 

I have a 6 months relationship with a really good guy. We live in different cities but the distance is short (about an hour by car) so we have the chance to meet each other every weekend. We spend great time together and he hasn't given me any reason to feel bad. This summer we went two weeks vacations in romantic Italy. Everything was super dooper great until he announced that his female friend (who hasn't seen her for two years& she is from abroad) comes to Greece to go on vacations with him. He has talked to me about her several times, how good communication they have, how best friend he considers her and that he went on vacation with her before two years (in the same time that he had a girlfriend). Now she wants again to go on vacations with him and she doesn't care if she will make problem to our relationship. Perhaps this version doesn't cross her mind (i can't blame her).

 

In the beginning i didn't mention anything about the annoyance that i felt because i trust him and i don't want to spoil his vacations with her. Saying that i don't like my boyfriend to go on vacations with another woman (even if she is the best friend) wouldn't change the fact or my feelings. One day his friend calls him and she says that she is not coming because she didn't find a ticket back. When i heard the news i felt relief and i told him how i felt about that. He told me that there was nothing to worry about and i should tell him how i feel. Few days after his friend called him again to say that she finally found the ticket back so she is coming. My reaction was very mild i think. I told him: "I don't like that but i don't have serious problem. I believe if you were in the same position with me you wouldn't like that either". He told me something like he would not feel bad if he was in the same situation. He advised me to be more openminded and to trust him more.

 

Please tell me: did i overreact? How should i face this fact? I am not jealous of hir friend perhaps because i don't find her prettier than me. But i feel confused. Perhaps women in Greece are more possessive. My friends believe that this is out of the normal things. I keep on treating him like before& he has the same behaviour.

 

I would like to read your advices.

Thank you in advance.

 

Loveattack

[my_mother's_daughter]

He has talked to me about her several times, how good communication they have, how best friend he considers her and that he went on vacation with her before two years (in the same time that he had a girlfriend).

 

Hmm.. where is that girlfriend now? Did she get p***ed off at his duo-vacationing with the other girl?

 

Sure, we're free human beings, sure we should feel free to do whatever we like. However, if I were in your position, I would feel a little uneasy and I don't think your reaction is unnatural or unreasonable.

 

If it really upsets you, be up front honest about it, then the ball's in his court, and you can see how much he values your feelings then.

 

Again, yes theoretically we can all do whatever we like, we are our own person, however this is the real world and doing what you like means you only need live with the consequences. If his only response to your distress is to advise you to be open minded, show him that you are by getting rid of him if he hurts you be doing something that you find unacceptable.

 

Sorry, but sometimes you have to be hard line. Your life, be happy..

[loveattack]

Dear my_mother's_daughter,

 

Thank you a lot for you quick reply

 

His ex-girlfriend didn't complain about his vacations with his female friend two years ago. Not because she didn't get mad with it but because she wanted to be cool, as he has told me. She preferred to express her annoyance by another way of "communication", such as being bad (like a punishment). I think that he has hurt her feelings too. They kept on together for less of two years. Finally she asked him to break up.

 

He assures me that he doesn't see her erotically so i shouldn't have problem because they will spend their vacation together. I believe him but i cannot accept that he lets his "spiritual join" with that friend hurt my feelings as his ex-girlfriends.

[clia]

This comes down to two words: accept or reject

 

You are with a guy who enjoys taking trips with his female friends. You are not in a position to change this about him. So, you have to either decide if you can accept this and trust him, or reject him and find a guy who does not take trips with female friends. The way I see it, those are your only two options.

[loveattack]

Yes clia, I see these two options. I am between them I am trying to find which one i will not regret and which one is following the common sense.

Thanx

[EnigmaXOXO]

In my humble opinion, you are not over reacting. I think your boyfriend is both inconsiderate and selfish.

 

Why haven't you been invited along if this is simply a platonic friendship? And if you were truly an important part of his life, wouldn't he want his friend to meet and get to know you?? After all, this isn't just a fishing trip with the guys.

 

I think its okay to play it "cool", but not if you are just pretending to be secure and confidant. What good is it to say you “trust” someone if deep down inside you are harboring some serious doubts. In reality, all you are doing is cheating yourself…denying yourself those things “you” need, want and expect from a partner. By playing it “cool,” you are inadvertently allowing him to define the boundaries, terms and conditions of you relationship and ultimately setting the scene for some tragic disappointments down the road.

 

I understand that in the beginning he told you about this friend, but perhaps your relationship was too new to start setting your boundaries. Maybe you just wanted to see how things would evolve over time? But now that you have reached this stage, it may finally be time to start defining your limits. If the two of you have come to an agreement that your relationship is “exclusive,” than you must interpret for him exactly what that term means to you. It’s not about who’s right or who’s wrong…not about pretending to be “cool” and open-minded. It’s about mutual respect and consideration…compromise without sacrifice.

 

You may find that while you and your boyfriend have many things in common, the two of you do not share the same core values, particularly in your ideas of what defines a “relationship” for you. And neither of you should be forced to accept the other’s terms and conditions if it requires that you sacrifice your fundamental beliefs and values.

 

My suggestion would be that the two of you sit down for another good heart-to-heart. But rather than toss him ultimatums, try to find out from him what his expectations are from this relationship. Ask him how he “defines” a relationship and how you fit into that picture. Then, be HONEST and open about what your expectations are and what you are looking for in a committed partner. If the two of you can not reach a compromise that makes BOTH of you happy, then you should agree to part ways rather than settle for a situation that will only make you feel miserable and dissatisfied in the long run.

[loveattack]

Dear EnigmaXOXO,

 

In all the mess in my mind i forgot to say that he asked me to travel with them. Something impossible because i am working. He also asked me to find them the weekend. Something also impossible because they will be somewhere far away. My problem isn't that he is going to cheat me. My problem is that i don't feel good when i imagine him passing so many hours with her, sleeping in the same room (perhaps in the same bed ) , doing all those things we do together except of sex. I feel like the only difference between me and her is sex. I have never complained about any other female friend even if he has only female friends and spends a lot of time with them during the week. I find it normal.

Your description made me realize that i should determine my boundaries and not be afraid of face the facts.

 

Thanx very much

[EnigmaXOXO]

More importantly, don't ever be afraid to be "you!"

 

Never conform yourself to someone else's idea of what a perfect partner should be.

 

Present yourself honestly and openly. Expose all your strengths AND your weaknesses to your partner and expect the same in return. If someone can not accept and love you for who you "really" are, than as hard as it may be to accept, that person is really not meant for you.

[loveattack]

You are right EnigmaXOXO, i am afraid to be me because i don't want to bother him with my weakness

[EnigmaXOXO]

Shoot, personally I could list about a dozen more than most people!

 

But I've never tried to hide mine from my partner. I figured he'd eventually discover them on his own, anyway...so I saved him all the time and trouble.

 

I laid it all out on the table from the very beginning. I never apologized for my weaknesses, mind you. Instead, I simply explained what they were, how I felt about certain issues, and discribed in detail the events in my life which led to forming my own stubborn opinions. I told him what kind of behavior to expect from me when I felt hurt or angry (the three-day pout)...and how best to handle me when I was in a "mood" (leave me alone while I sort it all out)

 

I dumped it all out in front of him, all the ugly baggage to boot, and let HIM decide whether or not I was someone he could see entering into a relationship with. And to my surprise, he did the same exact thing. He never boasted about "what a great catch he was." Instead, he said in so many words: "here's all my sh*t. This is what I want and expect...can you work with it?"

 

As individuals, we are way less than perfect. But we understand each other on a level that no one else has ever taken the time to know. And because there are no secrets between us, nothing about ourselves that we need to hide, we our each other's best friends and confidants. If I have a problem, I go to him. And because I can, I don't feel the need to establish any emotionally intimate relationships with platonic friends of the opposite sex. I couldn’t imagine going on a fantastic excursion or vacation without him. My joy comes from sharing my happy times with him. It would only be half as fun if I couldn’t watch him smile with me.

 

Yep, I was very selfish myself, and held out for someone who could meet me as an equal partner on ALL levels. It wasn't easy, and I had to kiss a lot of toads, but deciding "not to settle" and defining my boundaries right from the start, it finally paid off and I found a prince!

 

Maybe its finally time for you to be a little bit selfish too…

[loveattack]

EnigmaXOXO, you are so right

A lot of weaknesses of course.

All the advices i give to my friends are the advices i forget or i cannot follow when i have to apply them in my life.

You mentioned that the best way is the difficult one I will follow the difficult because is more mature.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I don't know if it has anything to do with being more "mature." I think it relates more to "self-awareness," and finding the inner strength to make difficult decisions that are healthier for your own happiness and well-being in the long run.

 

Once you figure out how to "accept" yourself, for all the good and bad parts, then life and love seems to fall into place. It's about being comfortable with who you are no matter what anyone else thinks.

 

I LIKE my weaknesses...I earned them!! And I love my partner because he knows exactly what they are and isn't afraid to call me out on my crap. Honesty is so freeing, especially when you can be yourself with someone who loves you in spite of all your flaws.

[Bubbles]

Loveattack,

 

I have only this to say.......I am a "best friend" to a male friend of mine.....and beleive me there is much more going on than meets the eye. Don't be fooled!

 

Have you ever seen the movie, "When Harry met Sally"? The statement made in the movie from Billy Crystal is this: "men and women can't be just friends, either the guy or the girl has underlying intentions. It just can't work out....it just doesn't"

 

The truth has been spoken, don't fall for this crap! If you do agree to this now.....you will always have to agree with it and in the end he will probably have 25 "best friends"

 

Good Luck - DON'T SETTLE FOR SECOND BEST

 

Bubbles

[loveattack]

Yes Bubbles, maybe i am crazy. I know the movie and my experiences have approved me that a man and a woman cannot be really good friends without these underlying intentions. My boyfriend believes the opposite.

 

Yesterday i wrote him an email asking time to think. He calls me and he says that his friend isn't coming for her reasons and he feels sorry because he lost his vacations with her. He hadn't read the email. When he read it he replied positive. He don't want to push me and to change my ideas but he said that there should be trust between us.

 

Now i am thinking

[EnigmaXOXO]

Have you ever met or even spoken to this female friend of his?

 

Perhaps he should "trust" you enough to give you her number so that the two of you could have a nice chat. I don't know whether or not she would lie for him, but your intuitions might tell you something once you speak to her in person.

 

Perhaps I'm just cynical because of my own past experiences, but I have a real problem with people who demand unconditional "trust" right up front without having earned it or proved that they are even worthy of it. That old line has been so over-used by every guy trying to run a game. If "trust" is the biggest relationship issue with this guy, then you can bet it’s because he's had trouble getting it from women in the past...and probably for very good reason.

 

If I am understanding your posts clearly, then I gather this trip isn't just about "trust," but whether or not you can be comfortable in a relationship with a man who spends a lot of time with other women while you sit at home waiting for the booty call. You’re right, other than the sex (maybe), there is not much difference between your relationship and that with him and the other girl/s.

 

If it were me, I think I'd prefer to be just another one of his "friends." This way I'd get the quality time, emotional intimacy and trips abroad. I'd save the sex for another guy who proves more worthy.

 

Of course, while you can't control what he does, you are in charge of your own life and are certainly capable of making your own choices. Like I've always said, if you give them enough rope, they'll eventually hang themselves...

[loveattack]

Thank you for your interest. I find big support just discussing my problem.

 

I haven’t seen that girl except in one photo of his previous vacation with her. When I saw it I felt happy because I thought that I wouldn’t pass through such a situation. (Idiot me). She has called him several times when we were together to say “hi” and he has always referred that he is with me.

 

Actually I am not hanging on the phone waiting for his call. I have a good social life in my town. I have also male friends and we spend time together but none of my male friends would ask me to go on vacations with him when I have a relationship. They don’t complain if I cannot follow them and give me time to spend with my boyfriend when I can. I keep for my boyfriend the real good time when my spiritual, sensual and sexual needs match each other. It is not only sharing time with fun.

 

In fact this weekend my friends are planning to go for camping. I will certainly prefer their company.