would really like some guidence!!

[melissa123]

Hi all

 

I am in a LD relationship with my bf, we have only been together just over 2 months but have been really close friends for years!

We have always been 4 hours drive apart but are on the same sports team so we saw each other a lot at competitons etc.

 

I am new to the LD thing and really want some help on making it work. I have had my heart really badly broken in the past and want more than anything for it to work out this time.

 

I really adore my bf but he is really bad at communicating! I will get only 4 or 5 txts a day from him as he is sooo busy all the time. If I txt him I will often be waiting hours for a reply.

He doesn't really ever tell me how he feels for and sometimes im not sure where I stand.

This is just who he is.

 

On the other hand I am really needy and paranoid as he has sooo many very close female friends.

I dont express it to him but all throughout the day I go through a range of emotions from worry to anger as I hardly every hear from him.

I find when he does finally contact me I snap as I have been so worried and angry from not hearing from him and I know in time it will ruin everything.

 

I had a longer realtionship if 2.5 years before this one where my bf constantly cheated then left me for someone else. My paranoia and hurt is getting in the way from that and making it difficult for me to control my crazy emotions.

This ex (although he cheated etc) was very close to me, would constantly shower me with affection and attention which I loved.

 

 

Am i being needy and crazy to try and get him to contact me more?!

I really miss him and I get so sad when he is always so busy.

I dont feel he does this on purpose as he is a very busy guy and has always been since I have known him, so how do I cope with this and adapt?!

 

 

 

I do want to talk to him about it but I dont want to push him to contact me and I dont want him getting angry over my needyness!

 

I would reeeally appreciate some advice on how to make this work. Like I said I really want to get it right this time so anything would be greatly appreciated!

[caramel drops]

This situation really could go both ways, unfortunately. Your boyfriend sounds like me, actually, I'm in a semi-LDR (he's only two hours away and I see him bi-weekly) and even so, we hardly get to talk much outside of seeing each other because I am a really busy lady. I hardly get a chance to talk on the phone with him and try to text when I can but I only don't because I'm seriously just too busy to. On top of that, I have a plenty of male friends and sometimes he gets bent out of shape about that and so I can understand where you would be paranoid and everything but if your boyfriend is anything like me, it's entirely innocent, I assure you.

 

I tend to go by the rule that if he doesn't make an effort to contact you at all, that's where you should be worried because that just means he isn't thinking about you in no shape or form. I at least try to get in a phone call at night or text during the day when I can. But if he goes cold turkey, then you'd have the right to question. But! If he adores you and you adore him, you have nothing to worry about. Still worried about it? TALK, not yell, about it. That's the only way you'll work through the problem because honestly, unless he's willing to compromise and try to call you more, there's not too much you can do about it.

[DunnoWhat]

 

I really adore my bf but he is really bad at communicating! I will get only 4 or 5 txts a day from him as he is sooo busy all the time. If I txt him I will often be waiting hours for a reply.

He doesn't really ever tell me how he feels for and sometimes im not sure where I stand.

 

"Only" 4-5 texts AND he is busy! Wheres the problem? Women like to talk more then men.

 

 

For your own sake don't crowd him too much. Everybody needs a bit of space and in future I would suggest sending him maybe a message at night and in the morning.

[melissa123]

Thanks for the replies!

 

I guess I just find it hard to keep things going on so little communication!

The 4 or 5 txts I do get are just one word answers or telling me about some success in his life. I rarely get asked about me and I guess I feel kind of neglected!

I didn't hear from him all day yesterday. I send two txts but no replies

I feel really sad when I dont hear from him

 

Guess I will jsut have to get over it

Any ideas on coping and not flying off the handle everytime he doesn't contact me?

[Island Girl]

I am new to the LD thing and really want some help on making it work. I have had my heart really badly broken in the past and want more than anything for it to work out this time.

 

Do not hold someone accountable for another's mistakes. Your last boyfriend cheated - he is the loser and you should feel lucky you are rid of him. Think about if you hadn't found out - would you still be playing the fool? Probably. Sometimes relationships like that even end up in marriage and the guy continues to be a cheating lying snake. You are one of the lucky ones believe me.

 

I really adore my bf but he is really bad at communicating! I will get only 4 or 5 txts a day from him as he is sooo busy all the time. If I txt him I will often be waiting hours for a reply.

He doesn't really ever tell me how he feels for and sometimes im not sure where I stand.

This is just who he is.

 

How many times are you contacting him? I hate texts in relationships. If a person cares they will find a way to talk and both people need to be committed to communication especially in an LDR. It is absolutely the most normal thing in the world to wonder where he is and what he is doing. It is also normal to want to talk to him all the time. But if you are constantly reaching out (i.e. texting, etc.) HE doesn't get the chance to reach out to you and you are letting him know you are there all the time. Not good for any relationship. You have to have a life and live it. Believe me you can have a relationship and not be a slave to it. That is unhealthy for you and the relationship.

 

If he is texting back one word answers,well, I don't see that as a good sign. It seems you are not conversating. Let him do the talking and if you insist on texting let him hold up his end of the conversation. If he doesn't you can not make up for it. One person can not hold a relationship together. Both have to be present and participate. You may be willing and able to hold on and keep it going but it is destined to fail if you are doing all of the work.

 

On the other hand I am really needy and paranoid as he has sooo many very close female friends.

I dont express it to him but all throughout the day I go through a range of emotions from worry to anger as I hardly every hear from him.

I find when he does finally contact me I snap as I have been so worried and angry from not hearing from him and I know in time it will ruin everything.

 

I wish you had put some ground rules together before venturing into a committed relationship with this man but there is no going back now. Turn about is fair play. Glad you realize you are insecure. A lot of people are and I was when my relationship became LDR -- I mean he went from living with me to 5600 miles away! Who wouldn't be a bit insecure? -- however, deal with your demons.

There are reasons you are insecure in this relationship but there are the extra emotions you are dumping in from the hurt and anger over being cheated on. Just focus on why this relationship isn't fulfilling.

 

Get a clear perspective so you can discuss it with him. Trust me this is a better course of action than freaking out on him. A rational conversation MAY yield the result you crave. Let him know you expect more out of him and he will rise to the occasion or not. If he doesn't, well then, you aren't any worse off than you are now and you can make your decision if you are going to accept so little from him.

 

I think you deserve to be treated better than you are. And I think you know that too. What may be most frustrating is knowing everything you are willing to give when you are getting next to nothing back.

 

I had a longer relationship if 2.5 years before this one where my bf constantly cheated then left me for someone else. My paranoia and hurt is getting in the way from that and making it difficult for me to control my crazy emotions.

This ex (although he cheated etc) was very close to me, would constantly shower me with affection and attention which I loved.

 

Don't compare the relationships. Different person means different dynamics.

 

When you are feeling insecure are you texting him? Constantly? Throughout the day? That sucks. Think how you would feel if someone constantly pulled at you and pleaded with you for attention. You would have to pull away if only for self-preservation. Make rules for yourself so that you do not text him constantly. In fact, there should be one more text: call me. You will feel much better hearing his voice. It will give you more reassurance than 20 texts. And you can work on your communication with him so that when you have "the discussion" about keeping each other happy it will flow more naturally and he should be more receptive.

 

 

Am i being needy and crazy to try and get him to contact me more?!

I really miss him and I get so sad when he is always so busy.

I dont feel he does this on purpose as he is a very busy guy and has always been since I have known him, so how do I cope with this and adapt?!

 

How can he contact you more? It sounds like you are doing plenty of contacting. When he responds he believes he IS contacting you. What you want is for him to initiate the contact and communicate more.

 

Don't you want him wondering and asking what is happening in your life? Don't you want more than one word answers? Then let him do the asking.

 

I do want to talk to him about it but I dont want to push him to contact me and I dont want him getting angry over my needyness!

 

You shouldn't push him to contact you. You'll get more flies with honey than with vinegar. LET him contact you. Encourage him to contact you. That does not mean begging or freaking out. That means do not contact him and when he does reach out make it a pleasant experience. Have a good conversation over the phone. Do not bring up the lack of communication until you are comfortable talking about things. If he cares about you he won't get angry with you because of your insecurities. I understand he may be to the point of frustration with you now because of you freaking out and that may make him reluctant to get into a conversation with you. Most men pull away from that kind of unmanagable emotion coming at them. Just get back to basics. Harness your feelings and bite your tongue. Talk about things you have done together and laugh, etc. Then get off the phone. Get back to a level place and then you can talk about the lack of attention if it still is happening. (There is agood chance that by doing this you'll see more contact anyway and you may not need to have "the talk".)

 

 

I guess I just find it hard to keep things going on so little communication!

 

Anyone would girlfriend! You can't do it all by yourself. It is impossible. But here you are trying soooooo hard that he really doesn't have to try at all does he?

 

 

The 4 or 5 txts I do get are just one word answers or telling me about some success in his life. I rarely get asked about me and I guess I feel kind of neglected!

 

Again, anyone would feel neglected. He should be interested in you and what you are up to -- unless it has been a while since you have had anything going on in your life. And by that I mean are you sitting around doing nothing while pining for him and waiting for him to text back or call? Do you bombard him all day with thoughts about him, what he is doing, and how his day is? If so, then you just have to control yourself and realize that the more you try to hold on to him or make him initiate contact the more you push him away.

 

 

I didn't hear from him all day yesterday. I send two txts but no replies

I feel really sad when I dont hear from him

 

Guess I will jsut have to get over it

Any ideas on coping and not flying off the handle everytime he doesn't contact me?

 

Unless he is in the hospital in a coma and his designated emergency contact person lost your number and didn't know how to reach you, he should be in the dog house for not responding all day.

 

Getting over it means it will continue to happen. I do not think you will be happy in this relationship without some changes. Hopefully you can get things back on track. Flying off the handle will not solve the problem. In fact it will hasten the end. Back off. Create some new parameters and get communication going again.

 

I didn't mean to write a book but I hope this helps. When my husband (who is a wonderful man) went LD he lost his mind for a little while and started taking me for granted. I let him know (subtly of course ) that I didn't HAVE to be in this relationship, that I CHOOSE to be, and that he in no way should make me regret that choice. I told him along long time ago that theonly thing that separates him from the billionsof other guysin the world is the way he treats ME. I can find a jerk to be with anywhere and anytime. I can throw a rock out my door and hit one of those guys that pays little attention, cheats, lies, whatever. If he is going to act like that it makes him completely replaceable and if he wants me he has to be irreplaceable. He is my King as long as he treats me like his Queen! lol

[melissa123]

Islandgirl this response is amazing!! I cant thank you enough for the time you took to give me all this advice!

Im so sorry I didnt respond earlier, I have been away for two weeks so did not get internet access! I was so stunned when I read this and so amazed that someone would take the time of day to help me out! Thanks so much!!!

Your advice is amazing and very spot on!

I do bombard him to much! In my previous realtionship that was the way were both were (not going 2 mins without communication) and I found it soooooooooo difficult moving into this one where im lucky to get one text a day!

 

I realise that no two people are the same and maybe I should just back off for a while and give him his space. I am trying this but finding it very very hard!! He doesn't communitate with me either so its basically silence all day! Which results in my freaking out to myself and worrying all day/night long!

But I am trying hard! I did text him once this morning and have left it at that. I would absolutly love to call him but hes to busy most of the time

 

But again thanks so much for your amazing response! Cant thank you enough!

[Island Girl]

Hi melissa123

 

I hope you are doing better than you were. I must ask - how were things before? Has he EVER been attentive and sharing of his feelings?

 

How did you guys get together? Have you had many shared memories of great times and laughter?

 

Vent here -- write here -- that is what this forum is for. Do whatever you can to distract you, occupy your thoughts (and hands! LOL), and create more in your life than there has been.

 

Your life should not be on hold while you wait to hear from him. And if you are waiting an extraordinarily long time with no response or consideration I would hope you would take a long look at your relationship because that would not be fulfilling to anybody - let alone be enough to feed and nurture a LDR.

[melissa123]

Hi melissa123

 

I hope you are doing better than you were. I must ask - how were things before? Has he EVER been attentive and sharing of his feelings?

 

How did you guys get together? Have you had many shared memories of great times and laughter?

 

Vent here -- write here -- that is what this forum is for. Do whatever you can to distract you, occupy your thoughts (and hands! LOL), and create more in your life than there has been.

 

Your life should not be on hold while you wait to hear from him. And if you are waiting an extraordinarily long time with no response or consideration I would hope you would take a long look at your relationship because that would not be fulfilling to anybody - let alone be enough to feed and nurture a LDR.

 

Hi Island girl!

 

Thanks again for your response!

Before we got together he was terrible at staying in touch! We have been friends for a good 8ish years and he had actually asked me out a few times previously even!

 

We did see each other alot (we were on the same sports team) and we were really close friends.

 

But like I said he has always been terrible at staying in touch when we go back to our seperate cities!

I understand he is very busy with all his commitments but it is still quite hard on me!

 

I had feelings for him a good year before we got together but never acted upon then simply because I did not think it would work with so little communication! He is an amazing guy but im like any girl wanting attention and didnt want to be constantly arguing!

 

Anyway we ended up getting together and he has improved so much from what he used to be, I used to go weeks without hearing from him but now atleast I do get one txt a day!

 

I feel like maybe I am the one being a bit selfish here as he has improved alot. I feel like I am being a bit needy and dont want to freak him out!

So I have backed right away, I tried to contact him yesterday but just got simple one word answers abd got to a point where I was sick of it so just gave up.

I think I will stay like this untill he contacts me again! It hurts me when he makes no effort and there really is no point in hurting myself!

 

In saying all this I love him dearly and there is no way I want things to end. Things are perfect when we are together I just struggle with the in between times!

 

I know I cant go on feeling sad tho so something will have to be done!

[Island Girl]

Anyone would feel neglected and devalued when they are ignored. Sending a text and never hearing back or waiting all day to hear from him --- that is bad.

 

It would be bad in any relationship but LD is disastrous. The constant wondering has got to drive you crazy.

 

I have to say the only reason my husband and I have lasted is that this relationship is visibly as important to him as it is to me. He makes a constant effort as do I.

 

May I ask why you remain committed to him? Would it be easier to see each other when you are in the same city but go on a "break" when you aren't? I know it sounds odd but if there is going to be so little contact anyway, maybe it would be easier on you?

 

Just because someone has had a history of behaving badly in relationships does not mean you should lower your standards to accommodate him. A relationship takes effort on both sides.

 

Is he concerned about losing you? Does he talk at all about that or has he ever?

 

I am sorry you suffer with this. You certainly do not have to.

 

I know you keep saying he is a great guy. And he might be but part of that greatness should be "he treats me so well" and it doesn't seem as though he does. It seems he treats you as if you will just be there anytime he wants -- and he doesn't have to put any effort in. Like a toy you take off of the shelf to play with but then put away and not even think about it. I know that stings but it seems that way.

 

Don't you want someone who is not only "great" in all the ways you think he is but also treats you like YOU'RE great? Like you are irreplaceable (because you are) and someone to be cherished?

[DunnoWhat]

 

May I ask why you remain committed to him? Would it be easier to see each other when you are in the same city but go on a "break" when you aren't? I know it sounds odd but if there is going to be so little contact anyway, maybe it would be easier on you?

 

 

They're in a relationship so it wouldn't be ok to do that.

 

 

I think she has to trust her man. He doesn't sound like a bad boy or anything like that. I think the main reason he doesn't text back all day is because of what the op said. She said she sends alot of text messages and he knows she'll be sending them all day if he texts back. I don't text my girl because I know it'll go on all day too. I really like her but don't need to be constantly in contact all day. Maybe thats because men and women are different.

[Island Girl]

They're in a relationship so it wouldn't be ok to do that.

 

Relationships have all kinds of parameters -- the people IN the relationship dictate those. What may not be "ok" or right in your eyes could work well for others.

 

I think she has to trust her man. He doesn't sound like a bad boy or anything like that. I think the main reason he doesn't text back all day is because of what the op said. She said she sends alot of text messages and he knows she'll be sending them all day if he texts back. I don't text my girl because I know it'll go on all day too. I really like her but don't need to be constantly in contact all day. Maybe thats because men and women are different.

 

It is more than no texts I believe. Is that correct melissa123?

 

Lack of response and lack of in initiated contact is the problem -- i.e. neglectful behavior in all ways including texts, phone calls etc.

 

This doesn't seem to be about constant contact but no contact. Which is completely different.

[melissa123]

Hi

 

Again thanks so much for your replies!

Im so confused!!

Im starting to think maybe im just being a pest!!!

 

My lastest drama:

I sent him a txt early in the morning (around 7am) wishing him luck for his exam that say and saying I had two job interviews that day!

By 11pm I still hadn't heard back and was kind of annoyed he didnt ask how my interviews went so I send him another test asking if he was going to talk to me today (I know its a bit over the top but I was disappointed in not hearing from him) anyway got a reply saying that I sound grumpy and that he doesnt want to talk to me like that and he switched his phone off for the night and refused to talk.

 

So I was all upset he didnt talk all day then accused me of being grumpy when I tried to talk!

 

Today I txd again (bad I know but hes to busy to talk on the phone) saying A friend had invited me to go down to his city on the weekend! I was so excited to tell him but I just got back "awesome but im working all weekend so I wont see you sorry"

 

Evry single time i have invited him somewhere hes to busy! And Im the only one who does the inviting. I dont want to be clingy but if i left it up to him I would never get an effort!

 

So what now?

Am I being clingy?

I know he is sooooooo busy but I just thought he would make a bit of time for me if he cared or sort an alternative?

 

I think I am being clingy and dont want to drive him away! But how do I stop! I feel like I have to be with him and have to talk to him and its overpowering!

How do I cope! Im going mad!!!!!

[Jay34]

you are not being clingy at all, you are being neglected, even if he was working all weekend he doesn't have an hour for dinner, that is wrong, you aren't a priority to him, something is up, i would go cold turkey no texting no phone calls until he calls you or texts you, and if he asks about you answer but make him work for you, its not right, i mean you will be in the same city and he doesn't see you!, what is he so busy doing?

[Island Girl]

Hi

 

Again thanks so much for your replies!

Im so confused!!

Im starting to think maybe im just being a pest!!!

 

It would be easy to feel that way in your situation. You don't get any feedback - positive or negative regarding your relationship or perceptions within the relationship on his side.

 

You get no response which after a while would cause anyone to second guess their importance in that other persons life. If you were treated this way by someone with whom you are friends with you would feel as though you were just annoying him/her and you would second guess the friendship. So cut yourself some slack.

 

My lastest drama:

I sent him a txt early in the morning (around 7am) wishing him luck for his exam that say and saying I had two job interviews that day!

 

Wishing him luck was a nice thing to do. That alone should have gotten a response of "thanks!" at the very least.

 

But having two job interviews (congrats and I hope they both went well) deserved a response from the person that is supposed to be closest to you!! What a jerk. Really. What a completely selfish thoughtless ass.

 

By 11pm I still hadn't heard back and was kind of annoyed he didnt ask how my interviews went so I send him another test asking if he was going to talk to me today (I know its a bit over the top but I was disappointed in not hearing from him) anyway got a reply saying that I sound grumpy and that he doesnt want to talk to me like that and he switched his phone off for the night and refused to talk.

 

Okay melissa123, I really hope you look at his actions -- or lack thereof. This is a clear indication of your relationships value to him. It might mean a lot to you but his actions are screaming "it doesn't mean that much to me!" like he could take it or leave it and most of the time it is the latter.

 

Anyone would sound a little grumpy because of his inaction. Hell I'd come unglued because of his behavior leading up to this point and would have some choice words for him -- namely "I deserve BETTER!!"

 

If you can't get support when you are upset, when you need support and caring more than any other time, then why are you hanging on? And I do not follow you when you say he is such a great guy...? How is he great?

 

So I was all upset he didnt talk all day then accused me of being grumpy when I tried to talk!

 

Yeah, because you were upset. He upset you. He was thoughtless and careless with your feelings. That hurt so you were upset. What would he expect? Does he think you should put on a happy face whenever you speak with him and just go along unhappily because he only wants you when you are a happy good little girl? PUHLEASE!!!

 

If that is what he expects you really do not have a caring supportive relationship. He is NOT special. He is one of those guys that you can find anywhere - one that doesn't know how to be in a real relationship or care about you and your thoughts and feelings. You can find one of THOSE just about anywhere...

 

Today I txd again (bad I know but hes to busy to talk on the phone) saying A friend had invited me to go down to his city on the weekend! I was so excited to tell him but I just got back "awesome but im working all weekend so I wont see you sorry"

 

You should have not contacted him at all. The ball is not in your court at this point. It is in his. HE should be the one contacting YOU to apologize. You contacting him just leads him to believe he can kick you around, treat you like crap, and you'll stick around for more of the same.

 

If he is working and can't see you when you are LD and do not have much opportunity to see each other -- something is up. Just be done with his sorry behind. I am sorry to have to be so blunt but he doesn't care much about you or the relationship.

 

I'd text back, "I am sorry too. Sorry you are such a waste of my time but the good news is this is the last wasted 2 minutes I have to spend! It is OVER."

 

Evry single time i have invited him somewhere hes to busy! And Im the only one who does the inviting. I dont want to be clingy but if i left it up to him I would never get an effort!

 

Okay, again I do not mean to hurt you by pointing out the obvious, but he does not put any effort into seeing you and you do not get what any normal person would need out of the relationship. Cut him loose.

 

So what now?

Am I being clingy?

I know he is sooooooo busy but I just thought he would make a bit of time for me if he cared or sort an alternative?

 

melissa123, girlfriend, what you should do now is break it off (I do not really feel you even have to since it is a sham of a relationship to him anyway). He has no respect for you or your feelings. He couldn't care less about what happens to you or in your life. A person is NEVER so busy they will not make time for something or someone that they want.

 

Quit trying to make something out of nothing and find someone who cares for you and respects both you and your time. Someone who sees you as valuable and worth any amount of effort to have and maintain a relationship with you. You deserve nothing less than that. That does not mean it will be all roses but it will mean that when things are not rosey on his side or yours (or both), he'll stick it out and put out the effort.

 

I think I am being clingy and dont want to drive him away! But how do I stop! I feel like I have to be with him and have to talk to him and its overpowering!

How do I cope! Im going mad!!!!!

 

You can't drive away someone who isn't there. He is not present in the relationship. Your frustration and neediness is spouting out of desperation because you feel like he is slipping away - like sand through your fingers. It is very common. But it is an illusion. You CAN'T make something out of nothing and you can't hold on to someone who is not even there...

 

You are chasing and chasing and trying to compensate by giving 200% to make up for him not giving his 100%. It will never work. A relationship takes TWO people.

 

I am sorry it has come to this. But the sooner you move on and LET GO you will be much better off.

 

If you proceed in this relationship you will get more of the same and NEVER get what you need.

 

The only thing a bad guy does really well is keep the good guys away.

[melissa123]

Thanks islandgirl and jay for the replies.

 

Im really struggling right now as I want sooo much for this to work out! I dont want to have to end it and im not so sure im ready to.

Im afraid im over reacting.

In the past I had a cheating bf for 2.5 years. While yes he was cheating (not to my knowledge) he paid me soooooooooooo much attention! To the point where I couldn't handle the clingyness and it just drove me mad!

When I did find out about the cheating I was destoryed for a good year.

I thougt I was ok now but I have such massive paranoia and trust issues.

 

In comparrasion my new bf pays me very little attention (as I have explained) but I think this may just be me blowing things out of proportion as I have been so used to constant attention for so long.

I think my ex was a very emotional guy and very clingy while my new bf likes his space and is very unemotional.

 

Im finding it so hard to adjust and I think I keep blowing things out or proportion.

What is a normal amount of contact between a LD relationship?

 

My new bf had a previous gf for about a year who was very clingy and very very jealous and he hated it.

I dont want to be like that but im turning into it as im just not used to so little contact and it drives me mad!

 

Can you suggest a way I could talk to him about this without him thinking im mad. I dont want to get all emotional and freak him out but I do want him to understand my feelings.

Like I said I will do anything to make it work and iI guess this is my last straw ....

[Island Girl]

Thanks islandgirl and jay for the replies.

 

You are so welcome! I know this is torment for you.

 

Im really struggling right now as I want sooo much for this to work out! I dont want to have to end it and im not so sure im ready to.

 

I know. I know you want it to work out. I know you don't WANT to end it. But unfortunately you will continue to get little response from him. He is not invested in the relationship. It is not that he is sooooo busy. Believe me if a person wants something they will MAKE time for it.

 

If he wanted to see you and was missing you, the knowledge that he finally CAN see you should have sent him into the clouds and he would rearrange whatever he had to - or lose sleep for the weekend - whatever. If the situation was reversed, wouldn't you? Of course you would. Anyone who was truly involved and committed to the other person would. Please try to remember that.

 

It seems that you are buying his excuses (they probably started small but now are quite obvious - what man doesn't want to see his woman especially when it isn't very often?). It is natural to want to turn a blind eye because you do not WANT it to be over. But facts are facts girlfriend. You do not have much of a relationship as it is.

 

Ask yourself what you get out of this other than being able to say "I have a boyfriend"?

Do you get care, understanding, and support? No.

Do you have someone who is willing to work out differences? No.

Do you have someone who treats you like you are a valuable human being and your opinions and feeling matter? No.

Do you have someone who puts effort into keeping your relationship going? No.

 

Im afraid im over reacting.

 

IMO you have been underreacting. Telling him you have two job interviews for instance, and not getting ANY response - not even a "Good Luck"?!! C'mon, wouldn't you expect more than that from one of your friends? He is supposed to be your boyfriend. At the very least he should respond as a friend would, shouldn't he? Don't you deserve that much?

 

In the past I had a cheating bf for 2.5 years. While yes he was cheating (not to my knowledge) he paid me soooooooooooo much attention! To the point where I couldn't handle the clingyness and it just drove me mad!

When I did find out about the cheating I was destoryed for a good year.

I thougt I was ok now but I have such massive paranoia and trust issues.

 

I am sorry you had to deal with this. You were dealing with a person who was overcompensating because he was cheating. But that was HIS flaw and you should not internalize that and lower you standards of the respect and attention you deserve.

 

We are talking about basic stuff here. You deserve a person who wants to see you and talk to you. I think ANYONE would agree that is a very basic need in any romantic relationship.

 

Needy behavior is NOT attractive, I agree. But it is not a question of neediness or nothing. The "norm" are people who balance attention to their significant other and separate interests.

 

The paranoia you feel is not being dealt with. You have gone from one extreme to another and are in the position now of second guessing yourself about how much you should demand out of a relationship. Your perspective is skewed and becoming more so. Now you actually feel like if you are upset or angry, it is okay to ignore you and shut off communication until you can "behave". Do you really think you are so out of control of your emotions that you fail to respond appropriately and need a "time out"?!! Because I do not see that here.

 

In comparrasion my new bf pays me very little attention (as I have explained) but I think this may just be me blowing things out of proportion as I have been so used to constant attention for so long.

 

Why are you comparing the two? One has nothing to do with the other. You should get out of that habit now. Don't compare relationships or people you have dated to each other. The only thing you should be thinking about is what YOU need out of a relationship.

 

"Am I getting what I need out of this relationship?"

 

Boyfriend #1: No. I need someone who is not so needy and clingy. I need more of my own space.

 

Boyfriend #2: No. I need someone who shows my I am important in his life and that my wants, feelings, and needs matter.

 

I think my ex was a very emotional guy and very clingy while my new bf likes his space and is very unemotional.

 

Either he is unemotional in general or he does not see you as a priority or deserving of attention.

 

Im finding it so hard to adjust and I think I keep blowing things out or proportion.

What is a normal amount of contact between a LD relationship?

 

There is no "normal amount of contact. There is no guage because there are situational differences with each.

 

But you should not be regularly ignored or shoved aside in ANY relationship. You should not feel like common courtesy is asking too much.

 

My new bf had a previous gf for about a year who was very clingy and very very jealous and he hated it.

I dont want to be like that but im turning into it as im just not used to so little contact and it drives me mad!

 

If this is the way he treats girlfriends I can understand why. The girl is chasing and chasing with contact to try to get him to be responsive and care. It doesn't work and is a poor strategy but common.

 

You need to get a definite expectation set for YOURSELF of what you need from a relationship. And then you expect THAT. Too much and the person won't back off after you discuss it? Then he is not the one and he is fired. Too little and the person does not step up when it is discussed? Then he is not the one and he is fired.

 

Can you suggest a way I could talk to him about this without him thinking im mad. I dont want to get all emotional and freak him out but I do want him to understand my feelings.

 

Well you SHOULD be mad. You deserve to have your feelings whatever the case may be and, in this case, just about any living person would feel neglected and unimportant.

 

BUT if you want to "discuss" it with him. You can think about how you want to say it but I would say, "I am not getting the basic courtesy and respect that I expect from any relationship let alone a committed romantic relationship. You are not treating me as if our relationship matters to you. I deserve more than you are giving or I will move on."

 

And if it were me, I would say it directly to him. But if you feel like you will get too emotional and it will get off track or weighted with tears, etc. then you should send an e-mail. If there is no response or the response is "I can't deal with you like this" or anything along those lines, never contact him again and find yourself someone who sees you as worthwhile.

 

Like I said I will do anything to make it work and iI guess this is my last straw ....

 

I understand but you can't MAKE it work. It takes two. He has to put effort in as well and I just do not see him doing it now nor do I see him stepping up and doing it after your last straw.

 

I am sorry.

[You'reasian]

He is supposed to be your boyfriend. .

 

Don't you mean boypren ?

 

Male perspective here. If the two of you are living in the same city and he isn't going through any significant career, family or otherwise pertinent changes, then there's no reason why he can't pay attention to you.

 

Some women don't like attention - some do - some don't know what they want. Some guys aren't attentive - some are. So its going to take some talking to figure out how to get him more attentive.

[melissa123]

Thanks again for your replies!

 

Im sitting here pretty much crying now

He has just ignored me for 3 days straight.

Finally I got angry after the 3rd day and txtd "Why aren't you talking to me?"

I got a snarky reply a few hours later saying, 'maybe because I have no money?'

 

I thought id go NC after that but I caved and told him I broke my fingers the other day. I got back 'he he'.

 

Now what? I am sooooooo sad and unhappy.

Things were so good just 3 weeks ago, now they have come crashing down. Im desperatly unhappy. I dont want to break up. I just want things to be the way they were

He is doing the same thing with his bestfriend also. Just treating him like crap at the moment and refusing to talk to him for no reason.

 

I tried my very best to talk with him the other night and got out of him that he really cares for me but he can see hes hurting me and it in turn kills him.

We talked more and in the end agreed that I would stop being insecure and he would inturn give me more attention.

I felt so much better and slept the best I had in ages.

Following that he ignored me for 3 days straight.

 

What now? I think I have reached the end. I just dont know how to go about this.

[You'reasian]

Knock on his door. When he opens, grab him and smooch him as passionately as you can.....

 

usually gets me distracted......

 

 

for a while.