cheated, in a long distance relationship... how to tell, when to tell?

[onemorecupofcoffee]

My boyfriend Josh and I got back together not too long ago after dating long distance for a little over a year... a year ago. We've always been long distance and we broke up because we both couldn't take the long distance anymore.

 

Well we decided to try again a few months ago, and we're planning to see each other sometime very soon. We are both incredibly in love with each other, and even though we had absolutely no communication when we were apart, somehow we both were still thinking of each other and got back in touch. Long distance is difficult, but I'm very happy with him and confident we will make it because we have that connection.

 

That is, I was, until I did a very, very stupid thing. I hooked up with somebody (details don't matter but in a nutshell no sex, I stopped him from making me climax, but he climaxed, it was all kissing and handjobs). It was a 15 minute affair, I was drunk, and I exited the room right after and didn't call, though he didn't want me to leave and wanted me to spend the night.

 

There are no justifications, I know - alcohol being the least of them, not having seen Josh yet and beginning this relationship, blah blah blah. To me, we made an agreement to start again, and that's the agreement I broke.

 

I realize I need to make changes to the way I act around guys, and that I know I have a side of me that can be described as "player." I stopped all contact with the guy, who wanted to meet up again and says we have a connection. I've always been forgiving, and giving in general, and would consider myself upstanding in every other way...

 

Which brings me to my point-- my character won't allow me to keep this secret forever. And yeah, some people say it's selfish to tell because you're only relieving your own guilt (let me know if you are in this camp), but in the end it's about having no secrets with the guy who becomes your husband.

 

But knowing Josh, he is very against cheating. He wouldn't give any girl that cheats a second chance. However, I know how he feels about me. And I know that telling him would hurt him so much, not just in the deed itself, but the fact that he would be torn between wanting to keep me and wanting to stick to his ideals... He's never loved anyone the way he's loved me, and I know I'm not "some girl" that he would instantly kick to the curb about this without a second thought. But after a third and a fourth thought... I know he might end up breaking it off, which I would deserve.

 

So the question is, when should I tell? I know I'm going to see him soon... and I haven't told him already because to be honest I am scared to lose him again. I know I could be good for him and I know I will never, ever want to do this or anything LIKE this again. The only other people that know are my two girlfriends, and they both say to wait a few years before I tell. Something about that sounds wrong to me, like I am trying to build the love as a cushion around the harshness of this act-- but they said that I shouldn't kill something that would otherwise be a beautiful relationship. I should bring it up later... and here's some exotic food for thought: if I truly learn from it and do become this beautiful person, why not have him be the one to benefit from it?

 

Girlfriends, go figure.

 

Anyway, I don't want any secrets between us, but I don't want to lose him. Age old question, what should I do?

[Angel1111]

Well, I would say don't bother telling him this information but you seem committed to that, so I won't say it. But, if the two of you weren't even talking at the time, how was it that you were in a relationship anyway? Seems pretty dumb to me, to expect either of you to be faithful in a non-relationship situation.

 

And, yes, whether people like to admit it or not, there can be such a thing as too much honesty in a relationship.

[onemorecupofcoffee]

We are talking. We got back in touch, and have been talking online and over the phone. That's when we decided to start up again.

 

This incident happened after we decided to not see other people. =\

[Angel1111]

Then there must be some reason why you did it. People's clothes don't just fall off their bodies by accident. Are you sure you really want to be with this guy?

[onemorecupofcoffee]

Yes, there is a reason. Insecurity. Vanity. Attention. I was drunk, enjoying the flirting, took it too far.

 

I am positive I want to be with this guy... otherwise I think I would be looking at this a different way. The long distance adds to my certainty-- why would i be stressing over this and doing long distance to begin with with I can get plenty of physical gratification in my own city?

 

I've examined whether there is anything wrong with our relationship, and it really just boils down to my own state of humanity - I had a weak moment, I'm a very physical person, and I broke a promise...

 

It would be incredibly out of character for him to pull this same stunt. Me on the other hand, not so out of character, but I know this and am working on it. And for him... he makes me want to be a beautiful person for him, and for myself.

[Nemo]

I'd keep it to yourself. If the guilt starts to get to you, then tell him you have always fantasised about getting together with another girl, and having a threesome.

[Angel1111]

I doubt he's as perfect as you might think but he is probably going to be very unbending and judgemental about this.

 

Again, I wouldn't tell him because first of all, you didn't have sex and secondly, it's truly going to screw up your relationship with him. If you know for certain that you'll never let this kind of thing happen again, then that's all you need to know. He will make way more of this than it actually is. And then you'll be paying a huge price for something that meant nothing to you and actually went nowhere.

 

But if you still must tell him, the pick up the phone tomorrow evening and tell him that you have to tell him about something that happened because you feel it's important that he know about it. Tell him that you know he's going to hate you for it and that you don't blame him, but that you still must tell him because you cannot stand not being honest with him. Then spill the beans and let him know that if he wants to end it with you, you will respect that. And that if he needs a few days to think, you'll honor that. It's all his decision from that point on. And let the ashes fall where they will.

[onemorecupofcoffee]

Your advice is very on point - and a compromise between your two pieces of that advice is what my girlfriends suggest - to wait a few years.

 

What are your thoughts on that? How would a guy feel after years of what could be a great relationship... when a girl confesses to what I've described above?

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect him to be honest and truthful to you? Either you have a relationship based on trust and honesty or lies and deceit. The choice is yours. You made a promise to him and you broke it. You need to be honest with him and I think you know this. He has a right to know that you broke this promise to him. Please stop trying to rationalize lies and deceit. You made a mistake and now you need to take responsibility for it. It is called being a grown up. I wish you luck.

[Angel1111]

Your advice is very on point - and a compromise between your two pieces of that advice is what my girlfriends suggest - to wait a few years.

 

What are your thoughts on that? How would a guy feel after years of what could be a great relationship... when a girl confesses to what I've described above?

 

This would be a dealbreaker - but I don't think that's what Nemo meant. I think it was a tongue-in-cheek remark saying that if it starts to bug you too much over the years, then instead of telling him about it, offer him a threesome to make up for it. hee. hee.

[onemorecupofcoffee]

Angel, that post was actually meant for you... haha. YOUR advice was on point, while Nemo's was... welll... not. I wanted to know your thoughts on waiting before telling (versus not telling versus telling right away).

 

And Nemo - I am up for that and we've already talked about it. (see what I mean when I say I'm not a girl he would immediately kick to the curb?

[Nemo]

YOUR advice was on point, while Nemo's was... welll... not.

My advice is always what people need, but not what they want to hear. Still, I'm in this to help, and not to be popular. I don't expect any thanks, because my wisdom is reward enough.

[onemorecupofcoffee]

Nemo, that made about as much sense as your last post. But then again, I don't think sense is really your priority on these forums

 

Thanks for the comic relief though. And while you may not have been completely serious about the threesome idea, I was.

[Nemo]

And while you may not have been completely serious about the threesome idea, I was.

Well, threesomes should always be taken seriously.

 

I'll take his back door, and together we can give him one wild ride.

[Angel1111]

Angel, that post was actually meant for you... haha. YOUR advice was on point, while Nemo's was... welll... not. I wanted to know your thoughts on waiting before telling (versus not telling versus telling right away).

 

And Nemo - I am up for that and we've already talked about it. (see what I mean when I say I'm not a girl he would immediately kick to the curb?

 

Actually, I think I would tell him about it. It's kind of a grey area...but not. Just tell him. But be prepared to lose him. You may not lose him but you need to be prepared for it.

[lkjh]

I say you tell him now otherwise you are just setting him up so you can get what you want(a stable relationship). I also disagree with people who say this falls under the category of too much honesty. Too much honesty is telling your partner that you hate their shirt not hey babe I cheated on you the other night. You did something very bad but at least have the self-respect to do the right thing, also you never know how someone will act in a situation like this. He is going to be hurt but that does not mean he will rid himself of you.

[onemorecupofcoffee]

I came clean. And he was shocked, hurt, sad, angry...

 

But he forgave me. I'm a lucky bitch. And he didn't forgive me with any other conditions than these: don't mention it again. don't do it again.

 

I'm dating an angel... and I'm never going to forget that.

[Angel1111]

Hey, that is so great! I'll bet you feel better to have gotten that off your chest.

[Nemo]

I'm so relieved.

 

My guess is that he's hanging out for that threesome.

[muse08]

I'm so relieved.

 

My guess is that he's hanging out for that threesome.

awww. NEMO that's funny, but don't get her all paranoid about that now.

 

however, the reality of it all is that karma is real...

[Untouchable_Fire]

I came clean. And he was shocked, hurt, sad, angry...

But he forgave me. I'm a lucky bitch. And he didn't forgive me with any other conditions than these: don't mention it again. don't do it again.

I'm dating an angel... and I'm never going to forget that.

 

Yes, a very nice guy!

 

It sounds like he has put his trust in you. Just rememeber to be honest when things happen, he may not like what he hears, but he will be very happy with the honesty.