Out of the house, how to come back

[whyme393]

Right now I've been out of the house for 2 weeks living out of suitcase and staying at my sister's place. No one in my family knows or mutual friends I think. It pains me to turn my back each time I visit the house and leave the home we had built together.

 

After the 1st week I was asking her, how things were, what had she decided, what I can do to make it better. She said that we act a lot like friends but not married people. She can forgive but not forget.

 

She's has a concept of romance like a soap opera. She wants that and says that how humiliating it must feel for her to even ask for affection. She says we act like two good friends. I admit I haven't been the best husband and I had taken her for granted, admitted all my faults but she doesn't want to see a councillor or even try.

 

2nd week I stopped pestering her about this, everytime she sees me if I come by to visit the house, I can see the look on her face and it says all over why the hell am I still here in the house and wants me out as soon possible. She wants a divorce. But stay friends.

 

I'm thrown aback, time spent alone didn't help in my favour. I brought up councilling for her to not even want to reconcile, not put any effort, to say she's spent, when we talk all we do is argue, she's done trying all she wants to do is have her space, leave and doesn't care about anyone?

 

Prior to coming to this point she was doing things on her own, out of the ordinary like getting a gym membership and going herself, listening to different alernative music, even buying a car on her own. I want to talk to her but it seemed like she has her own agenda and it doesn't include me. I can't even give her a hug. She looks so repulsed by the idea.

 

Right now I have no idea what's going on in her head, what's she's doing, I call no answer, send emails no answer, no response.

 

I live day to day not knowing and this is killing me. You know someone for over 12 years and this behaviour is confusing. I don't think that's fair in a relationship, maybe she knows this is annoying the crap out of me and wants me to make the decision to end it. But if that's what she wants she should should inform me. She wanted to call it quits. I decided to see a councillor myself.

 

I don't want to give up. I love her dearly, but I know that words don't count in her book because promises broken in the past. So I've been trying different approaches, sending flowers, giving her space, sending notes/friendly emails just being patient, kind, and unselfish. But it's hard to demonstrate this change if I'm not around and she can't witness it.

 

I'm tiring of living away from my house, right not it's more easier for me to leave than her. She doesn't want to be in the same house if we're getting a divorce in her mind... she's said she'd leave herself but needs a couple of days to figure that out.

 

What the hell do I do? I feel like I'm damned either way. I stay with my sister it further causes seperation, but eases her mind. I stay at my house, I'm a insensitive brute who doesn't care about her feelings. HELP

[n9688m]

It's a bummer of a situation and you have my sympathies. I went through a very similar situation with my STBXW of 14 years.

 

One comment though - you are mostly focused on the emotional stuff now understandably, but still you need to protect your interests. Why did you move out of your house. If she is the one who wants to leave the marriage, why don't you stay in your house (or move back in) and tell her that you plan to stay there forever and she should be the one to move out if in fact you get divorced.

[2sunny]

too many red flags that point to her cheating.

 

do you have kids? no mention - so i'm unsure...

 

you need to check on your money, her cell phone bill - including texts and her email accounts.

 

find the truth - then we'll know what we're dealing with...

[whyme393]

i left because it was more to do with convinience of living arrangement.

 

my sister lives about 15 mins away. She couldn't imagine the thought of living with her parents, same with myself I don't want to live with mine. For me it's pride and the failure of a marriage. How could it come to this? For her, her parents would literally drive her nuts. We lived there before getting married so I know how they are. Obviously this doesn't happen overnight and I am to blame in this. She knows it takes two for a relationship to work and she is to blame with this too.

 

She has admitted that she can't get over things and seems to overthink quite a bit. Such as an instance of infedelity on my part a year after being married. I had been friends with a girl, and enjoyed spending time and talking because of common interests. Well anyways that girl went ballastic and told my wife about this supposive affair I was leading. My wife has always questioned me to this day about that.

 

There have been similar cases from which I had read appear that there is another man involved. I don't know who i would be. But I would have never had thought this could happen. But it's the internet, I guess have to be open to all possibilities. She got a gym membership, starting to listen to alternative music, surf the internet, bought a car without my consultation, (she hated the fact she had to ask to be driven to places). All things I did not expect her to do.

 

I thought it was her trying to express her independance from me as a rebellion. But I will ask her directly whether she is talking/seeing someone. Because that thought did not cross my mind at all.

 

I really want to move in and work things out because I don't think no communication makes the situation any better. But really she doesn't want me to and has told me that it would be weird that two people divorcing living in the same household. I haven't talked to her in a few days, and about us the relationship thing in about a week so maybe she feels different. Doubt it though.

 

She's not a selfish person by any means. She's the most caring loving person I have ever met in this world. I'm serious. And her doing all the above things just throws me for a loop.

 

An example of her unselfishness, she even offered that i keep the house if I can afford it and buy her out whatever she contributed. or I do the same, she keeps the house and she buys me out. Or we just sell the house and go through the hassle of selling the contents.

 

she's always done stuff for me. she's been the most patient, kind, and caring. supported my hobbies but not involved in them. she misses the old me, the times we spent together. but is tired and spent and doesn't want to give it another shot. she has expressed that it has to come to this for you to realize! putting people in misery is not satisfying, it doesn't make you a better person. she doesn't feel she had ever been prioritized and other things have come first before her.

 

we don't have kids, we have pets together. our money is in seperate accounts, was never joint. just kept postponing it. in fact kept it that way for a reason so that I don't spend that much. if the entire mortgage, car and insurance gets taken out of my salary. what left to spend. i was fine with that.

 

i'll try seeking the truth tomorrow. i just can't be living in limbo. i run into her dad on occasion because she's getting him to watch our pets. i don't know if he knows the situation or not, i have a feeling he does a little bit or suspects it. He had asked me a few times even before the split if we were having problems. I guess he could tell that his daughter seemed agitated when talking to him. But now he doesn't even ask me. Make's it uncomfortable because I don't even know if my wife had told others? She's out when I drop by. And I have no clue where and I can't exactly ask her dad, where's she is because I of all people should know.

[Titan]

she's always done stuff for me. she's been the most patient, kind, and caring. supported my hobbies but not involved in them.

 

 

I'm sorry my friend but I am in the same boat as you, and my wife is filing for a divorce. Men who get great woman (like us) always know that they are loved, and appreciate everything their woman does, but we all take it for granted without knowing it until it's too late. Your wife - jus as mine - as been gone emotionally for a long time, and this is nothing new to them. They have been thinking about this, and building up their strength to make the split. You are shocked right now and are wondering how it ever got to this point because you love her so much.. You realize and truley want to make all the necessary changes to be a better husband but it is usually too late. Your wife has been becoming stronger each day and making decisions for herself without consulting you. This is all because she is becoming a more independant person, and she is now ready for a new future without you. My wife wants to stay friends, and she is going out of her way to make this a very clean split, but I'm still having the hardest time because nothing I say or do matters. She just says "this is going to happen".

 

I know how you feel, you can only say so much. You want to show her how sincere you are, how guilty you feel and most of all that you love her more than anything. I know my marriage is to the point where nothing I say matters, and she won't come home to let me prove it to her because she says, "well, people don't change that quick". I'm only 28 years old, been with her since I was 18, and married for 3. Everthing I know is gone and right now my future looks bleak. Financially and emotionally.

 

Hang in there buddy, but It sounds like your wife is stronger now than ever and is ready for a change.

[n9688m]

Men who get great woman (like us) always know that they are loved, and appreciate everything their woman does, but we all take it for granted without knowing it until it's too late.

 

That is just buying into their revisionist history to justify their actions.

 

Communication is fundamental in a marriage. A woman who is so unhappy in a marriage has an obligation to talk to her partner and ask to go to marriage counseling before things are so irreconcilable.

[Maladjusted]

That is just buying into their revisionist history to justify their actions.

 

Communication is fundamental in a marriage. A woman who is so unhappy in a marriage has an obligation to talk to her partner and ask to go to marriage counseling before things are so irreconcilable.

 

I agree.

 

To the OP, I'd bet my bottom dollar that this "strength" that she all of a sudden has is being given to her by another man.

[whyme393]

damn i just lost all that i typed in my reply.

 

here we go again...

 

today I woke up restless wanting to talk to my wife and to see where our relationship lie. I left my sister's place at about 9am this morning to drive to my house.

 

But what do I see in the drive way, not her car but her dad's car. From what I observed it had morning dew on it. So I suspected he had spent the night at our house.

 

I opened the door and asked him what he was doing here? He said, he was watching our pets. I'm certain that he knew that something was up between his daughter and me. Since I didn't come to the house last night and she asked him to watch our pets.

 

News to me, because of course she's not communicating with me at all during this time. Anyways I skip straight to the point and ask him where she was? Reluctantly he replied that she's was staying with her brother 2 states away and was going to be there few days. I suppose really she wanted to get away from here.

 

Anyways a I was a little shocked and upset by the news. It explains why she's didn't answer the phone when I called the house or answer the emails I sent.

 

Though leaving the state and not telling me demonstrates she doesn't care. And she must surely know that I may happen to drop by the house and meet uncomfortably with her dad.

 

 

When I hear the term, I need some space. It gather it either one of two things . 1. her emotional needs are being met by another man. 2. she is discovering what could of been if I wasn't in her life.

 

In my case I think it's no 2. All those things she's done which is out of the ordinary. She trying to break free from the cycle. I'm all all for personal independance as long as it includes me. I think I am fairly independant of her. She knows that, I have my own network of friends and things I do. She doesn't, she clingy and sad about it. Seems like the neglect, the hurt, the as you put it made her stronger, her resentment towards me and looking towards a better and happier future not so grim and ending up in argument, she found happiness but that's without me.

 

Well I want to let her know that independance is okay with me,

but I also want to be together and I have internalize these issues for the past two weeks we've been apart, Things I aim to work on is namely the lack of affection, the selfishness, the lack of her consideration when I make any decisions.

 

Whether she takes me as I am all fault and all is up to her. I gotten beat down and guess I deserve it in a way. But I hate to learn from my mistake by losing the one I love and one to grow old together.

 

I had reminded her in the first week of seperation that marriage is a lifelong commitment and the vows good times and in _bad_ are applicable. This is not a contract, it's a commitment where you give yourself completely.

 

Admittly I can't really talk as righteous as I sound, because I messed up. Big time, I think I know the fundemental reasons what caused our downfall. And am now prepared to own up to it. Before I used to shelve it, and say yeah, yeah to make her stop complaiing but each time I did that it brought her closer to the brink of losing it, moving on without me. Which I'm experiencing now.

 

So I wait here until she arrives in the home alone, unsure of her reaction. But I can't just leave it lie any longer. I don't think it's fair that I leave a house we pay for together, let me wait around in limbo until she makes up her mind.

 

 

n9688m,

 

I think communication is essential. I just brushed it aside. I listened but not truly listened. She has commented, it takes this for you to change! I know that she has a lot of resentment for me and is just so damn angry. That whatever I say or do, just didn't help. That's the only reason why I agreed to seperate, in my mind to allow her to calm down.

 

Maladjusted.

 

I'll find out tonight when I confront her, if there is another man involved.

 

Titan,

 

That's sad to hear. Let's pray we can work things out with our spouses with a good plan and mutual understanding. If she's completely gone out of love for me, I guess I have no choice but to let her go.

[Maladjusted]

 

Maladjusted.

 

I'll find out tonight when I confront her, if there is another man involved.

 

 

Confronting didn't work for me. You should have proof before you confront.

[TrustInYourself]

Well call me a misguided, hopeful fool. Don't confront. Overcome.

[whyme393]

I was reading some articles online and she does have all the tell tale signs of going wayward and having an affair, either emotionally, physically? I'm not sure.

 

http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/7-surefire-signs-of-a-cheating-wife-want-to-know-432948.html

 

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Tell-if-Your-Wife-is-Cheating&id=432489

 

She didn't arrive home yesterday, so early this morning I drove by her parents house and see her car parked there. She was suppose to arrive last night. But she probably saw my car in the driveway and kept driving or her parents probably called her after she left her brothers place.

 

Why she didn't come home? Well she may be feeling guilty or doesn't want to deal with the problem and avoid me completely. I still haven't heard from her zero communication from her side.

 

She already packed her things from her trip to her brother's so if she's going to avoid me she's armed and ready to do this for at least a while plus her parents know she's having problems they will shelter her for as long as she wants.

 

She took her computer, phone, camera with her so nothing to tamper except for a computer she used previously about a month prior. She changed the password on this machine, said she was working on a story for the longest time. This was a couple months ago, she would be on the computer for long hours surfing. VERY ODD and strange of her.

 

That computer was very slow so she discontinued using it. Once I got another one working. I recall one time I wanted to use that slow computer because I had left mine at work. She was like no, don't use it, you can use this one, why don't you bring your home, you'll ruin the story . She was so protective of it.

 

Well at this point this had gone to far, with her ex-communications.

 

So I decided to hacked into the machine. I snooped around. Unfortunately I may have disabled the history log on Internet browser so no records there, but looked on the cookies and found some MSN live trackers, looked into the received files and what do I see a photo of some guy, and a picture of a guy touching his crotch. WTF!

 

I really hoped to have seen a chat log, but I had a feeling she was chatting even when I present. Spending time on the computer, typing like mad, when one surfs you're doing keyword searches not typing.. all the while in front of me.

 

 

Let's she if she finally makes contact with me. If it's going south, then I'll bring this up. I know some people can go wayward, and I have the ability to forgive.

 

My lack of attention, then her seeking emotional needs from another person would definately cause her stress. I really am blind sided by this. I would have never predicted this in my wildest dreams.

 

Well if it's true, have to be in some extent, pictures of guys don't appear on a received files folder for no reason. Anyways her emotional needs being attended to by other people combine with my lack of attention, for all I know they are egging her on to seperate and have a divorce. In her moment of weakness I think that why she wants to call it quits.

 

I'm going to do a sector by sector data recovery on that machine to see whatelse I can dig up.

[whyme393]

Well she finally came by unexpectadly this evening and we had it out.

 

Full blown full glory she was enraged and in tears when I told her I decided to stay at the house instead of leaving. She said she wanted a least a little notice, well where was she for the past 5 days as I tried to contact her. She had 2 weeks to figure things out. She really had nothing to say, besides that that was the plan and that's what we agreed upon. Well that _was_ the plan and now this is the plan. I'm staying at the house. I have every right to stay there, it is her choice to leave.

 

Asked where the relationship lie. She answered codosendingly I told you last week I want a divorce. She doesn't appreciate any of the attempts of my sincere contacts, the notes I left her, the flowers I sent to her.

 

She said she doesn't trust me. And does not want to reconcile. I asked her point blank, so you are ending this, she said yes.

 

Okay well I will always feel a little guilty because I played a part of driving her to this, but I had tried to save the marriage by offering to improve myself, seek marriage councilling but she plainly doesn't want marriage anymore. I can't force a person to love me back.

 

In haste she left the house, and she forgot her purse, I rushed to the driveway to give it to her, and I also wanted to confront her with what had found on the computer upstairs. Those picture of a man from her MSN account.

 

She denied it and wanted to see what I was talking about. I had copied the picture files on my other computer and showed it to her. She stared blankly at me denied knowing who that person was, and said she didn't know how they got on there. Said that her friends also had used the computer. Listed off why I thought this, change in clothes, interest in different music, staying and chatting on the computer for hours, etc.

 

Anyways I just had to get it out there. She dashed out of the house with clothes in a bag I asked her where the computer was, she told me it was upstairs, and guess what she lied and took it with her. If that wasn't an act of guilt right there. There's more she's hiding or guilty of.

 

She's staying with friends so I found out through them -- that's good. Hopefully she will be more rational next time.

 

She also said that since I'm in the house I take care of the mortgage and our pets. She absolving all responsibility.

 

So it's over.

 

I'm going to seek legal council tomorrow to see where my options are. She can't absolve all responsibility in a drop of a hat.

[n9688m]

It's a bummer for sure - I've been through almost exactly what you describe - but at least it is definitive and you have started the process of moving on. Yes, her denial seems extreme and will continue that way.

 

And yes, your staying in the house no doubt will stoke quite a bit of anger in her. So be it - you did the right thing. Adultresses should not get to keep their homes. Let the world know that loud and clear.

 

P.S. This may depend on your locality, but I suspect if you are staying in the marital home then you are indeed now obligated to pay the mortage. That is fairly typical.

[whyme393]

n9688m,

 

Thanks. I try reading your story.

 

This is not pleasent. I can only cope at this time.

 

I don't think there's any harm to being prepared for legal proceeding ahead. But surely will I be the one that serves the divorce papers, I want her to do that since she wanted to end it.

 

Her denial is something that she has to live with. I just had to get that info off my chest form of her possible infidelity. Whether it affect her or not, which I think it would if true is what matters to me. It is to bring her into reality that I am not a bad guy she has distorted in her mind to bury her gilt of seeking emotional/physical comfort elsewhere.

 

You know it would be difficult if she wanted to come back and she had this possible affair. But I knew her divorce intentions a week ago, and from how the meeting was going this evening (down with the ship would be appropriate words to describe) I might as well throw this possible infidelity case out as the boat is sinking.

 

We'll see what legal council says about my rights and obligations. Will stay in the home until it's sold or until I can find a home that can accomodate my pets and I.

 

It's a bummer for sure - I've been through almost exactly what you describe - but at least it is definitive and you have started the process of moving on. Yes, her denial seems extreme and will continue that way.

 

And yes, your staying in the house no doubt will stoke quite a bit of anger in her. So be it - you did the right thing. Adultresses should not get to keep their homes. Let the world know that loud and clear.

 

P.S. This may depend on your locality, but I suspect if you are staying in the marital home then you are indeed now obligated to pay the mortage. That is fairly typical.

[n9688m]

But surely will I be the one that serves the divorce papers, I want her to do that since she wanted to end it.

 

If you earn more money than she does, then you might want to file the papers yourself to firmly establish a separation date. The clearer you establish separation the sooner your earnings are "yours" instead of "ours."

 

I might as well throw this possible infidelity case out as the boat is sinking.

 

Depending on your location and your financial situation, it may be beneficial to prove adultery. Adultery probably will not affect division of assets but in some states adultery is a factor against awarding alimony.

[dead-dyke]

Holy Christ.......

 

When I start to miss my wife, all I have to do is come here. So sorry you're experiencing this. You've got a lot of decent advice here, so I will give you my sympathy instead. You're in for a rough ride, even if you already thought you were in one. This is just way, way, too common. Marriage means nothing.......

 

Again, I'm sorry.

[whyme393]

I have no more questioning.

 

MY WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR.

 

Emotionally involved for a few months for sure that when I saw the drastic mood swing and change of attitude. Had all her needs met.

 

Found a receipt on a trip itinerary she made to visit this person. Dispicable.

 

And photos confirming. I'm what you can saw devestated beyond words. I knew it from my gut after someone here mentioned it. I never thought she was capable.

 

What now?!

[2sunny]

I have no more questioning.

 

MY WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR.

 

Emotionally involved for a few months for sure that when I saw the drastic mood swing and change of attitude. Had all her needs met.

 

Found a receipt on a trip itinerary she made to visit this person. Dispicable.

 

And photos confirming. I'm what you can saw devestated beyond words. I knew it from my gut after someone here mentioned it. I never thought she was capable.

 

What now?!

 

i'm so sorry... my gut said it early on... too many things pointed to an affair... it was just a matter of asking you to dig deep enough to find the evidence. a person doesn't change things in their life so much unless there is specifically a reason for it.

 

what now? take care of protecting yourself and your future. you won't feel like it with the destruction surrounding you - but you have to find the strength to do certain things and you can grieve after things are in order.

 

check on your money, move any money available to your name only. if you don't do it asap - she will (i promise she will). see an attorney. stay in the house (possession is 90% of the law), don't give her anything she asks for, change the locks on the house and any surrounding gates or you may come home one day to no furniture, make sure the windows are secure. change the garage door opener code... make sure she doesn't have the spare opener. print out any evidence you have - including phone records or receipts you spoke of, any jewelry or cameras you have - it all goes to a safe place that she can't get to. i put mine in a safe (i had the only key) and other things in my best friends attic. my best friend was also on my new bank accts in case anything happened to me, she could pass the money to my boys.

 

after you see the attorney you will have additional things to discuss and consider. be smart with your decisions... trying hard to set emotions aside... this is a business transaction now.

 

again, i'm sorry. take good care of yourself by eating right and a few moments for positive energy each day. things will get better after this is behind you, i promise.

 

keep posting... there is good support here and a lot of folks that care - they will help.

[whyme393]

i talked it out with her, that person is not her bf but just a friend. she really didn't have anything to lose at this point and was 100% honest. she had to get away from here.

 

after talking to her heart to heart finally instead of arguing

 

i feel so rejected, unwanted, and such an outsider to the one I love. she lacks the trust in me, so much so she has to found it elsewhere. it appears her new group of friends makes her feels so more. i don't know if i have the strength to make it, i don't know what to do. as I'm writing this I'm choking up almost throwing up with tears rolling down my face. My chest hurts.

 

i told her that I would change, that things would be so different. demonstrated this by going being more honest, open, no secrets, she asked me for more details of an infidelity incident she often wondered about and could NOT get over, and I told her the truth completely. once and for all instead of denying or leaving out details.

 

She had the most bad last impression of me, that when she had decided to call it quits a couple weeks back. I could tell she had make the worse assumptions of me, and the way I treated her in the couple of months whne we were fightened only emphasized this and my behaviour is predictable, a lier and one who would blow up get angry if I had a differing opinion on things. She said she had to walk on eggshells. Of course the people surrounding her now this new group who don't know me at all are probably are telling her get out while you can!

 

I pushed her away and although she says that the last thing she wants to do is hurt me, I told her this hurts no matter how you look at it this will hurt.

 

I can't make her return the love for me,I really am so sorry for the misery that I put her through. She was really unhappy and very lonely during our marriage and just wants to put it behind us. Says wants to be friends still. The world revolves around my wife I will always be in a constant struggle of wondering what could of been.

[You'reasian]

Time for you to move on, my friend. So she's been having an affair - given the pictures you found and she denied - her crying and breaking down is the contrasting feeling of guilt and denial.

 

Let it go. Take time to heal. Find a new woman - one that's gonna be good for you.

[n9688m]

She was really unhappy and very lonely during our marriage and just wants to put it behind us.

 

Did she ask you to go to marriage counseling before having an affair?

 

Why not?

 

Why do you believe this revisionist history?

[whyme393]

right now we are speaking terms, she's at her parents house, i can call her up and she's talking to me.

 

i think she's a little less stressed now.

 

i'm trying to get myself together by keeping myself busy and stop staying at the house alone and going out with friends and in a long time had joined a gym. i talk to my friends about this matter they and supportive and it helps a little. my councillor said that all my feelings are normal to go through in a seperation, especially for one who's at the receiving end. (getting dumped)

 

i told my wife that i will agree to a divorce because she wants it - she knows that I don't want it.

 

I feel she's afraid of going back to me, she was so sad and hit a big low in her life. The things she in the past few months were out of the ordinary and damn right dangerous. I was upset she lied about where she was going I don't want to hear that she's dead from meeting a person.

 

really i have to believe her that she didn't have an affair. she insist it was just friends. though never did she have a male friend in our marriage. there was no way she would be comfortable that i have a female friend. when she said she would have not mind, that was such BS but I looked away I didn't want to argue.

 

Anyways, now she's being taken care of by her parents. She has less responsibilities of maintaining the household, our pets, and no stress of seeing me. This is the time she heals.

 

So lets see if she gets better and maybe come around. If not I think you have to love someone enough to let them go, if they come back then they have thought about it and care enough about you to make it work.

 

What she doesn't realize is there's two options. change oneself, or leave.

 

She's doesn't want me to change because she believes I shouldn't change for anyone or for us especially. Well after many broken promises of change from me she has no faith/trust in me.

 

So she's choosing to leave.

 

WTF I know I can't do this overnight, and she'd never believe me if I did. But step by step I think I can earn her trust.

 

Hopefully I don't get served these divorce papers before I make any more progress. I think I have made tiny crack of the shell she had built around herself.

 

n9688m,

 

She never asked for marriage councilling. I should of when the times were rough, past 2 months. We were basically in the same room but hardly ever saying a word to eachother and it was just madness. Anything would cause the otherone to be irritated. Myself especially, I just blew up when she would ask me or insuiate I did something.

 

 

You'reasian,

 

She never cried and broke down about the pictures. I don't believe she was having an affair. She told me straight up no. Though the pictures I discovered do sicken me. I would like to pulverize that guy.

[imagine]

Do you still want to try to save your marriage?

 

Google "marriage builders". You've wasted a lot of time. Start reading the articles. There is still hope.

 

You NEED a plan.

[whyme393]

i feel a lot of repressed anger inside of her by the hints she drops, i still question why the breakup to her, to self validate what I did wrong. this upsets/annoys her because she says we've gone over this already and continuing discussion like this she doesn't want to hurt me.

 

and this feel there is a wall she built up to protect herself against getting hurt. because there's no emotion when she responds, and that's strange because she's such an emotional person. says that she hides it. but she's allowing me to talk as friends is hopeful. she does not question we are best friends. (i just hope i'm setting myself up for a big hurt) but I have to try all that I can.

 

this woman my wife I have known for 12 years, married for 5, she is my first love, i was her first love, I just can't imagine she can't forgive me and move on. she admits she has a problem of not forgetting the things I promised to do and the intense fighting/arguing that went on for the past few months.

 

i think in her mind, she accepted who i am (and drawn negative conclusions of me) and I can't/doesn't want to change who I am.

 

She thinks that our marriage was not meant to be. because if it was meant to be then people wouldn't need to be told to what to do or behave. that why she tells me when I say I'm going to change, change for yourself not for us.

 

we're keeping it civil and friendly. she just sets out a boundary i can feel that where she doesn't want to be close.

 

i realize all that i lost only at the end. i did take the relationship for granted and didn't put more in it than I should and didn't realize she was hurting for a while. She is my rock my security. i suck at communicating especially at the emotional level, (now I am so in touch with it) and i know she's upset to why it had to come to this for me to realize. there's more pain/and fear that's telling her own self not to accept me, she refuses councilling though, I think that would help a lot instead of her trying to council herself.

 

this weekend i told my parents. they were devasted and reassured me that everything will get better and help me get back on my feet. that good that I have somewhere to go if this does not work out.

 

all those divorce plans are in motion she contacted the lawyer and I started to lose hope. I'm glad imagine you remind me of the marriage builder site.

 

 

imagine,

 

i've read some of the marriage builders articles. are there any particular ones you would recommend for my case. thanks for the reminder I will revist them again.

 

you know what i will try anything. her head is now screwed on a little bit better than before now that she's at her parents house. way more sane and more patient and most importantly communicating with me.

 

 

A question to all,

 

 

Since my wife does not want to councilling should I direct her to marriage builder articles? she is more receptive and may/may not read them.

[n9688m]

Hard as it will be to accept, I suggest you get into her email and/or text messages. The odds are quite high you will discover she is having an affair. If so, any efforts at reconciliation will be futile whie the affair is ongoing.