Out of the house, how to come back

[Maladjusted]

Hard as it will be to accept, I suggest you get into her email and/or text messages. The odds are quite high you will discover she is having an affair. If so, any efforts at reconciliation will be futile whie the affair is ongoing.

 

Ditto. Married women don't take flights to see male friends that you have never met before and lie about it. If he was a friend of hers you would have known about him.

[whyme393]

she wanted to get away, i don't think she thought at the time it was wrong. sorted guilted her way to thinking that this situation here was so bad that she had to leave the state. she was just in a completely mad (metally) state

 

she realizes it was reckless and says there is no further contact with that person. i already broke into all her accounts phone/bank/email/messenger that how I discovered all of this. and i promised that i won't break back into them.

 

i believe her, i talk to her daily now. she not up at night surfing like she was before. we're communicating. her notebook wireless doesn't work at her parents place and the desktop machine is in her dad's room. so it's not as convinient to surf the internet like it was in our house.

 

right now she's more at ease that I accept the divorce and proceed with it but remain at friends. she's there for me to listen to all my emotions going up and down. difficult to stay asleep for long periods of time i find myself waking up in the morning too early and can't fall back asleep. that on top of staying up late. not a good combination.

 

anyways, we're communicating. i sent her an article on marriage builder's site to read.

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8115_prob.html

 

it does describe our situation perfectly. we lived together for 5 yrs before getting married.

 

 

Below is an excerpt from the article that applies to us:

 

 

When a couple live together before marriage, they tend to be "renters." By that I mean that they view their relationship much as they would renting an apartment. If something goes wrong in an apartment, the landlord is expected to fix it -- if it needs paint, the landlord paints it; if it needs repairs, the landlord does the repairing. In other words, the renter is not responsible for making the apartment suitable for living -- the landlord is responsible. And if the apartment is not repaired, the tenant isn't expected to fix the apartment himself, he simply moves to another apartment if he doesn't like the one he is renting.

In the same way, couples who live together before marriage do not expect to make many changes to accommodate their lovers. The relationship is a test of how "livable" their relationship is, and if they were to find it uncomfortable, or if one were to complain much, it would mean that they would not be right for each other.

Those who live together before marriage tend to ignore conflicts until they become intensely negative. That's why these relationships are notoriously abusive (as reported in a recent Justice Department study on domestic abuse). If these couples eventually marry, they carry their renter's agreement into marriage, with the same tendency to ignore conflicts until they build up. Since the renter's agreement does not promote healthy adjustment in marriage, or the sustaining of romantic love -- the vast majority of these marriages end in divorce.

On the other hand, when couples marry before they live together, they tend to be "buyers." Much like buying a house, these couples realize that if anything needs fixing, they will have to fix it -- the sooner, the better. Their marriage is not a test of how livable their relationship is, but rather, it's a commitment to make their relationship livable. That means that when a problem first surfaces, they go right to work fixing it, knowing that if they don't fix it soon, it can lead to an even bigger problem later.

This is where my approach to building love in marriage makes a crucial point -- unless you and your spouse build your lifestyle together like a buyer, where you change your own behavior to make each other happy and avoid making each other unhappy, you will destroy the love you once had for each other. The buyer's approach to a relationship helps sustain the feeling of love because each spouse changes his or her own behavior to meet each other's needs and avoid hurting each other. The renter's approach, on the other hand, expects the other person to accept one's behavior as it is, and that, in turn, leads to a loss of love and eventual divorce. So, how soon should you begin in your effort to address each other's complaints? My answer: As soon as the complaint is first made. Why wait for a complaint to turn into a demand, or a disrespectful judgment or an angry outburst? Why not deal with the issue immediately, as soon as it is spoken.

[n9688m]

I don't think it's a "rent" vs "buy" thing - I think it's revisonist history.

 

My STBXW and I never lived together before marriage. We also never fought - ever. Then one day - boom - she claims she was unhappy for years and years. Then I found out about the affair. My story seems not to be unusual at all.

 

Your wife at the least had an emotional affair - and probably still is involved in it. She will do anything to deny this. She is not the woman you thought you knew. You cannot trust her until she comes clean with it all.

[dead-dyke]

I think they are just reaffirming the "don't live together until you're married or you're doomed" religious aspect. Buyer - Renter - whatever.

[whyme393]

n9688m,

 

to an extent yes about the revisionist theory.

 

your experience is different than mine. my wife was happy she admits that, had good times, but I knew she was unhappy for a few years because of lack of affection, and sometimes bitter treatment.

 

This is what I think where my wife really fits the description. It her feeling of hopelessness about lost love. She doesn't believe I really love her because the way I had treated her in the past.

 

"When a couple asks me to help them with their marriage, unresolved conflicts usually abound. And they present their marital problems to me as a litany of failures to resolve those conflicts. But as I probe the depth of their despair, conflicts are not usually the greatest source of their hopelessness. One spouse, and sometimes both of them, tell me that it is their lost feeling of love and passion for the other that bothers them the most. They don't believe that feeling will ever return, and without that feeling, they do not want to be married to their spouse. Their greatest feeling of hopelessness is about their lost love, not their inability to resolve conflicts. " http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html

 

 

anyways she's always been 100% honest with me. and has nothing to hide. she answers all my questions.

 

i admit at the time, she was disillusioned to the point that she thought it was ok (thought no one cared) to jump on a plane, leave the state, and believe and stay with her new friend. said that she stayed with his family and went out with them. whether it's friendly or not is just plain wrong and wreckless. she kept this secret from me. now that we're communicating i told her that was completely unacceptable whether this person is just friends or not. i also mentioned to her, that this friend of 2-3 mos, and her other friend who knows about this happenings of 2-3 years doesn't care about you and your welfare. her friend is single and has her own relationship problems, she's not a married woman what does she know about staying married. and for all I know about that other guy. I could hurt him if I saw him.

 

 

 

i know i had been guilty of neglecting the relationship i haven't been the best that i could have been when she needed it most. she gave up during the last couple of months.. but now we're talking. I had realized what went wrong. hopefully will try to attempt to show my affection and build up that trust we once had in each other. I can't force her to love me, but I can definately show her that I'm the man in her life that cares enough to fight for our marriage until the end. She still has some preconceived notions of me, I lie, break promises, not open with everything, thinks she's not attractive enough (she has low self esteem issues by nature and my infidelity in the early years of the marriage definately impacted this relationship -- she never got over it).

 

i think she doesn't want to deal with the marriage. or as she put it tired of trying and doesn't want it any more. she wants to put it behind her. there's no man waiting in the wings but what would one thing when discovering those photos. she thinks that we were not meant to be married. she said that she had put a lot of work into the marriage, i haven't. I want to but it's a little too late.

 

I'm pretty sure she embraces this theory...

"

[FONT=Arial]Couples usually believe that they should be guided by their instincts whenever they have a conflict. "[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

Intuition also prevails in most couples' efforts to resolve conflicts. Instead of resolving their marital conflicts by creating and implementing a well conceived plan, they revert to their primitive instincts -- demands, disrespect and anger -- to try to resolve their conflicts. These instincts not only fail to provide them with long-term solutions, but they also destroy the feeling of love. Because couples don't know any better, they keep using demands, disrespect and anger to try to resolve their marital conflicts until their love for each other turns into hate.

 

I know I tried to solve my problems by just arguing and insulting. That never fixed it. Just kept brewing unitl it blew over..

 

My therapist who I'm seeing is just reacting to what I'm saying to her. I'm going myself to therapy. There's no action plan, no proactiveness. I want to save this marriage. If my wife still consider me as my best friend, and is now we're communicating openly for the first time in a long time. This is a breakthrough and I want to run with it..

 

Now is it possible to save the marriage by yourself?! Anyone done this.

[n9688m]

your experience is different than mine. my wife was happy she admits that, had good times, but I knew she was unhappy for a few years because of lack of affection, and sometimes bitter treatment.

 

Again it is revisionist history.

 

If she was that unhappy, why did she not ask to go to counseling?

 

At the very least she had an obligation to work with you on the marriage before it got so bad she was thinking of leaving.

 

It sounds to me she is exaggerating your history of marital problems in order in her mind to justify her emotional affair and in order to justify her actions in abandoning your marriage rather than working through issus with you.

 

And it sounds as if you are buying into her story.

[TrustInYourself]

It's very possible to save your marriage. I've done it.

 

I read your posts and it's like reading my posts. Our history is very similar.

[Maladjusted]

Again it is revisionist history.

 

If she was that unhappy, why did she not ask to go to counseling?

 

At the very least she had an obligation to work with you on the marriage before it got so bad she was thinking of leaving.

 

It sounds to me she is exaggerating your history of marital problems in order in her mind to justify her emotional affair and in order to justify her actions in abandoning your marriage rather than working through issus with you.

 

And it sounds as if you are buying into her story.

 

I'll say it again, I went through the exact same thing. Your wife will have you thinking everything here is all of your fault, but n9688m was one of the first ones to call out what was going wrong in my marriage and I denied it, and then found out that he was right, my wife had cheated on me. Take it from people who have been through what you are going through.

 

You are buying into her story because at this point it is easier to blame yourself than it is her.

 

You can't save a marriage by yourself. It takes two to have a marriage.

[TrustInYourself]

It depends on the woman. We all are different and we all have different spouses.

 

My wife started noticing she was attracted to other men. She wanted to date others and see what she was missing out on. She never felt this way before. She wasn't actively dating or seeing someone, but she was definitely open and willing to do so. So in a sense, she was primed for an affair, just not actively in an affair.

 

I chose to invest in making myself better and more desirable. I wanted to be the man she wanted and I decided to take action to be that man. Regardless of if she came back or not, I would be a better, more loving and caring, responsible individual. I made it about my self growth. I searched for my flaws and how I contributed to the end.

 

Behaviors and interactions will play a big role in the way your wife recalls your relationship. If your wife is anything like mine, she lives in the moment and that moment will reflect in all her recollections. Situational recollection, or as some term it, revisionist recollection. They change history to suit how they currently feel and remember situations and memories and feelings that validate current feelings, thinkings, urges.

 

Ask yourself what you want. When you communicate make sure it is purpose driven and that it only contributes to your goals (whether that be reconciliation or peaceful divorce).

 

Use mental judo! It's important to avoid validating her thoughts that a divorce is the answer, unless it truly is the only answer.

 

Relationships take a great deal of work. You are only now beginning. This path is long and difficult.

[whyme393]

well i had started to show initiative of improving myself.

 

i had shown that i am going to a counciller myself to work through problems and improve.

 

i eat less, probably 1/2 or 1/3 less than I used to. i don't have much of an appetite.

 

and had joined a gym to improve my physical appearance. I know I can look much better slimming down.

 

i joined he same gym she started going to, she was surprised when I told her last Friday. I had a new outfit and everything, she smiled at me when passing by at the gym as she worked with her female personal trainer. First time I seen her smile in a long time.

 

thanks for the advice TrustInYourself. I should focus. Right now I'm getting torn between giving up, and self validating the reason why she wants a divorce (just the way I am I guess) because I'm still in shock and denial, and getting it to work.

 

 

 

what i find in the past when she is left in the house alone, she compound and compounds issues. this was my fear when agreeing to leave the house for the first week. I didn't know what leaving her alone with herself would do. Unfortunately it turned out to be the worst thing. Because after the 1st week she decided on divorce!

 

i recall, whenever i go on business trip for a few days or at most a week she's a wreck, anxiety takes over she doesn't know what to do with herself she snaps at her parents and worries that I'll find another woman or something. she's insecure.

 

anyways, I'll get focussed with all my actions, verbage, and try to get this marriage to work. she is so worth it. i want her to be the mother of my future children, if I wanted her just as a friend I wouldn't have asked to marry her.

 

n9688m and maladjusted thank-you. I need that go-ho backup support. yes I know what she did was wrong and I won't allow her to dismiss it as something to be taken lightly. she left the state, told no one where she was really going, took pictures and was enjoying herself so it seems, puts the up online for people to see, what the hell, it's so insulting and embarassing and shameful to me to see those pics. i asked her to take them down. she was leading a secret identity and I called the whistle on it. In some ways I know you guys were right at the start with your suspicions that's why I started my own investigations and hacking. i was going to go even further with some more surviellance but I found enough evidence that was irrefutable.

 

anyways thanks all i will remain focussed to win her back but not to fall into her convoluted thoughts.

[TrustInYourself]

well i had started to show initiative of improving myself.

 

i had shown that i am going to a counciller myself to work through problems and improve.

 

i eat less, probably 1/2 or 1/3 less than I used to. i don't have much of an appetite.

 

and had joined a gym to improve my physical appearance. I know I can look much better slimming down.

 

i joined he same gym she started going to, she was surprised when I told her last Friday. I had a new outfit and everything, she smiled at me when passing by at the gym as she worked with her female personal trainer. First time I seen her smile in a long time.

 

thanks for the advice TrustInYourself. I should focus. Right now I'm getting torn between giving up, and self validating the reason why she wants a divorce (just the way I am I guess) because I'm still in shock and denial, and getting it to work.

 

 

 

what i find in the past when she is left in the house alone, she compound and compounds issues. this was my fear when agreeing to leave the house for the first week. I didn't know what leaving her alone with herself would do. Unfortunately it turned out to be the worst thing. Because after the 1st week she decided on divorce!

 

i recall, whenever i go on business trip for a few days or at most a week she's a wreck, anxiety takes over she doesn't know what to do with herself she snaps at her parents and worries that I'll find another woman or something. she's insecure.

 

anyways, I'll get focussed with all my actions, verbage, and try to get this marriage to work. she is so worth it. i want her to be the mother of my future children, if I wanted her just as a friend I wouldn't have asked to marry her.

 

n9688m and maladjusted thank-you. I need that go-ho backup support. yes I know what she did was wrong and I won't allow her to dismiss it as something to be taken lightly. she left the state, told no one where she was really going, took pictures and was enjoying herself so it seems, puts the up online for people to see, what the hell, it's so insulting and embarassing and shameful to me to see those pics. i asked her to take them down. she was leading a secret identity and I called the whistle on it. In some ways I know you guys were right at the start with your suspicions that's why I started my own investigations and hacking. i was going to go even further with some more surviellance but I found enough evidence that was irrefutable.

 

anyways thanks all i will remain focussed to win her back but not to fall into her convoluted thoughts.

 

Totally focus on yourself. It takes time to remember how awesome you are as an individual. There's a reason this woman was drawn to you and it's not a change that can happen overnight.

 

You have to be careful about worrying about her thoughts and feelings when she's alone. That's out of your control. Let it go and allow her to do some self growth on her own. I'm not saying allow her to see other men and date, but come to an understanding with her that this is time for both of you to grow and understand and realize what you both want out of life.

 

Stay positive and I'm sending you my best.

[Maladjusted]

Totally focus on yourself. It takes time to remember how awesome you are as an individual. There's a reason this woman was drawn to you and it's not a change that can happen overnight.

 

You have to be careful about worrying about her thoughts and feelings when she's alone. That's out of your control. Let it go and allow her to do some self growth on her own. I'm not saying allow her to see other men and date, but come to an understanding with her that this is time for both of you to grow and understand and realize what you both want out of life.

 

Stay positive and I'm sending you my best.

 

I agree. I wish during my situation I could have done the same but it was extremely difficult being tied down to the house the way that I was.

[whyme393]

thanks again. i'll keep positive and do the things for my own personal growth not just reacting / dwelling on the negatives from the relationship. i think think therefore i am mentally.

 

i will update you guys on how things progress.

[whyme393]

Well guys this is really tough, my wife dropped by today and said she had gone to the lawyer again today and it appears they will serve me divorce papers, choices are either I pick them up or get served with an officer present and court official.

 

I reminder her divorce is not what I wanted, but if I were to choose between picking the papers up at her lawyers office or getting served. I would select getting served.

 

She said that I am being stubborn, I clarified this is not being stubborn. I would throw up at the thought of myself picking up my divorce papers, I compared it to like as if I was going to myself to sleep. She said she could drive. I refused.

 

Anyways I spoke to my councilor today and she mentioned about the various stages of divorce and how it like a coping wih a death. My wife has definately moved on with her life without me; she is far ahead to living her next life. Her eyes were tearing when she couldn't convince me to just pick up the papers. So this decision definately affected her.

 

It is very hurtful to divorce, and I want her to realize it doesn't make it easier. I've taken a lot of hurt already from her, I don't think anymore can hurt me, so I explainwhy I'm getting served in front of co-workers it doesn't makes any difference to me right now. This is what she wanted.

 

I am still being patient and kind and tried to change the topic to something more pleasent but also listening and answering her questions in regards to this in an intelligent and calm manner.

 

I got a call from my friend and excused myself to go out to drop something off around the corner. I mentioned that I would be back in 5 minutes but she didn't want to stay any longer and left.

 

It's a tough struggle and very discouraging but I will keep at it, at least I know in my heart I have tried and not thrown in the towel in our marriage. I will keep positive and show my love to her in even the worst of times.

[TrustInYourself]

Well guys this is really tough, my wife dropped by today and said she had gone to the lawyer again today and it appears they will serve me divorce papers, choices are either I pick them up or get served with an officer present and court official.

 

I reminder her divorce is not what I wanted, but if I were to choose between picking the papers up at her lawyers office or getting served. I would select getting served.

 

She said that I am being stubborn, I clarified this is not being stubborn. I would throw up at the thought of myself picking up my divorce papers, I compared it to like as if I was going to myself to sleep. She said she could drive. I refused.

 

Anyways I spoke to my councilor today and she mentioned about the various stages of divorce and how it like a coping wih a death. My wife has definately moved on with her life without me; she is far ahead to living her next life. Her eyes were tearing when she couldn't convince me to just pick up the papers. So this decision definately affected her.

 

It is very hurtful to divorce, and I want her to realize it doesn't make it easier. I've taken a lot of hurt already from her, I don't think anymore can hurt me, so I explainwhy I'm getting served in front of co-workers it doesn't makes any difference to me right now. This is what she wanted.

 

I am still being patient and kind and tried to change the topic to something more pleasent but also listening and answering her questions in regards to this in an intelligent and calm manner.

 

I got a call from my friend and excused myself to go out to drop something off around the corner. I mentioned that I would be back in 5 minutes but she didn't want to stay any longer and left.

 

It's a tough struggle and very discouraging but I will keep at it, at least I know in my heart I have tried and not thrown in the towel in our marriage. I will keep positive and show my love to her in even the worst of times.

 

 

This is rough news bud. I feel for you. Take care and keep your head up.

[Chinook]

I'm sorry you're going through what you are. I've read all of what you have posted and nothing you have posted has convinced me that she wasn't/isn't cheating on you. You say she had nothing to lose by not fessing up once you split. Of course she had something to lose... the bare truth would hurt you, the bare truth would paint her as a bad person, the bare truth is not something SHE can deal with. That's what she had to lose. You say she has moved forward without you, she has... don't be surprised if there's a new beau around the corner.

[whyme393]

Chinook and TrustInYourself thanks for your support and comments.

 

I'm suspicious of course because she had led a different life and who knows what else she's doing right now. She's not sharing with me her thoughts and feelings. She's blatantly lied and denied in front of my face. She's a different person and so distant. She just pops by and visits and I try to have a friendly conversation with her but she doesn't appear that all interested like she has her own agenda to fulfil and put the checkbox on the list to consider that task done.

 

I cannot bring myself to hack into her stuff again, because I did it when she had stopped communicating with me.

 

Now she's communicating with me I had promised not to hack her accounts. I'm not going to break her trust. After that confrontation and our heart to heart, I promised that I would be completely open and honest and I cannot lie.

 

 

It doesn't accomplish much anyways at this point, it doesn't bring her back.

 

 

Why does she want to give up and have NO desire at all the reconcile or go to councilling. It like she was just living this way for a long time and being with me was torment.

 

Says she's tired of trying. By giving up, she giving up on loving for person.

 

She can't accept who I am and my faults. She doesn't want to deal with who I am or have the patience to see me change.

 

That why I thought I knew her, the most caring trusting person. Yes I took for granted but now she's bitter and can't let go. The wall she built around herself is mighty thick.

 

Today I woke up and couldn't believe it had come to this; it took so much time to build up where we were for 11 years, and it seems so little time to to have it all smashed.

 

I think it would be awkward being just friends because our relationship evolved.

 

We began as strangers in high school, then friends, best of friends, lovers, then husband and wife.

 

 

Chinook,

 

Yeah she may not be able to handle the truth of what she had did or is doing that's true. It would hurt very badly if there was something more.

 

So very ironic. The internet, this tool and msn messenger. in my own infidelity I used this, I got caught up in the excitement, just stroking my ego that I can get the girl, but when it came down to it. I ended it was my wife or this flirt. I chose my wife but she never got over it.

 

2 months ago she started using the computer heavily 6-7hrs, (she never touched a computer for more than using MS word for work or searching for reference material for work.) admitted she started using MSN only when i confronted her 2 weeks ago. The the thing she damn me for using MSN messenger and she herself ended up using it. Talk about being hypocrit.

 

Now she does the same I think because she's a woman, it gets in her head emotionally I think it goes in a different level. MSN or the computer was the demise.

 

Then I look back at this as a third party, she's making the concious choice of chatting with others herself, in this electronic world it's too damn easy to be unfaithful and to seek selfish desires. I so much want her back.

[whyme393]

well guys I blew up at her, just saw some phone records and accused her of having an affair. I'm so weak from this. I think I have to accept it's over because with this pining for her is making weak and distracted from concentrating on myself.

 

I can't do both, cope and hope. I have to move forward.

[Navin_R_Johnson]

I had to learn the hard way that snooping, checking social network profiles, questioning others about her activities, etc. do NOTHING for me but set me back. So I quit. I no longer find "hurtful" things, and it makes me care less about things I might hear incidentally.

[Maladjusted]

well guys I blew up at her, just saw some phone records and accused her of having an affair. I'm so weak from this. I think I have to accept it's over because with this pining for her is making weak and distracted from concentrating on myself.

 

I can't do both, cope and hope. I have to move forward.

 

Well, she is having an affair. I think that one is pretty plain to see.

 

Yeah I think you do have to accept it is over because she seems to feel justified and not remorseful over what she has been doing.

 

I am truly sorry to hear about this and I wish you the best.

[TrustInYourself]

well guys I blew up at her, just saw some phone records and accused her of having an affair. I'm so weak from this. I think I have to accept it's over because with this pining for her is making weak and distracted from concentrating on myself.

 

I can't do both, cope and hope. I have to move forward.

 

 

I was going to suggest the same. You want your wife back. That's cool. Just don't neglect your own self worth and happiness. Once I realized that life goes on, I was capable of moving forward with my life. I started living life for myself and socializing and working out and being happy. I started to feel confidence and happiness about my life. This allowed my wife to remember me as I was before all of our problems and my addiction to the computer.

 

Sometimes the hardest lessons come from the most difficult and stressful times. Just use the moment to grow and better yourself. If you do that, you will find happiness, even if it's not in the form you wish. Best wishes.

[whyme393]

I move forward then I regress again.

 

I was tempted today and snopped into the accounts. I know the person name who's she's seeing, my soon to be ex has hidden facebook account now, she has changed her status says she's in a relationship with this person.

 

My god do people really move on. Emotional relationships are the ones that kills marriages. If they are weak and find someone to reach out to they fall into someone's arms.

 

Unbelievable, they truly do the revisionist thing where they rewrite history and everything was so bad to suit their needs.

 

Well guys you were right all along. Denial from the start. Only after a confrontation did she fess up and reluctantly. Still insists just friends. But of course where does that lead. Male friends that was her first male friend. My gosh was I so stupid. When she flew out of state and stayed with the guy's family she was getting to know her new family. Talk about believing her and my self denial.

 

I don't believe a word that comes out this woman's mouth anymore. I don't consider her my friend. I was completely betrayed. She threw in the towel to our marriage without her and I giving an honest effort of trying.

 

Everything she did, I did when I fooled around. Who does she think she's kidding? Denying the text messages, the change of habits, from 0 computer time to hrs of computer time, the new interests of music. She's a liar. You have to put time in a relationship. Basically it was difficult to lead two lives. One where she was unhappy with me. And one where she was happier with another person.

 

She hid this secret affairs and confided in friends who are not mutual. Ones that I don't trust and have no experience of a marriage or a long term relationship. They are single themselves.

 

She made up an excuse 'we need time apart' all the while it was a ploy to figure out how break the news of divorce. Not to reconcile. My understanding was different that I could find myself or she find herself in the weeks apart, her motives were completely different to distance herself in the weeks we spent apart.

 

I consider the wife I knew as dead.

 

Because in a million years I would have not expected this. I guess you really don't know a person. This person turned out to be so different a person who changed so much I don't knowrecognize her and have no desire to know her. .

 

Now I will continue to move on with my life and find some closure. Wish there was truth revealed but had to find out the hard way. But I guess that is a lot to expect from someone who used to be your best friend.

 

Peace out. Hope you guys find true happiness.

[skinman]

so sorry for your pain. Your post so as if I could have written it my wife of 16 years up and told me one day she no longer was in love with me and didn't beileve in marriage. She asked me to go see a therapist while still living at the house. She said many times she didnt want me to leave and she would never leave but only wanted pleasantries in front of the children. Well I tried to give her space but it was hard. Some days we would hardly talk then others would be great day where she would show affection and my hopes would be lifted only to be crushed the next day.

 

after 2 months of walking on eggshells around her she finally went off and asked me to leave that "she" needed space. She said so many vicious things to me while she was asking me that have broken my heart. I know exactly what you mean. I have been the one trying to save my marriage I have been the one going to counseling I have been the one kissing A$$ hoping she would start to feel different about things and would see a change in me.

 

I wish I had some advice for you but i'm only in my 4th day of being out of the house.. I will prey for strength for you and courage to be strong in this difficult time. Know that you are not alone in this my friend..

[n9688m]

I can empathize with you skinman - I have been there very recently.

 

Why are you moving out of the house? Why not ask her to move out?

 

Both morally and legally you are putting yourself at a disadvantage by moving out.

[imagine]

Ho hum...

 

This is really quite routine.

 

There is still hope if you want it, but it will be painful.

 

Get "Surviving an affair" Dr Harley -read it.