Protective mom disapproves of girlfriend

[Don_W]

Hello everyone.

 

I'm hoping you folks can give me a little help with this issue.

 

I'm 21 years old, living at home, and attending college. The woman I'm becoming involved with (I'll call her Dara, for privacy's sake) is 28, in the process of getting a divorce, and has a five year old daughter.

 

Dara says she loves me, and I have little reason to doubt it. She also says that she is not leaving her current husband for me, but is (in a way) doing it because of me, meaning that our friendship has given her the courage to finally demand the divorce she's been thinking about for over a year now.

 

Mom says Dara's associating with me because I'm "safe." (i.e. I'm a younger male, a student, etc. and therefore non-threatening.) She also believes that it's only a matter of time before Dara attempts to extend the relationship in inappropriate directions.

 

Mom is very intelligent, but she's not quite up to speed in this area of my life. Me and Dara have already decided that we want to be more than friends and, possibly, more than lovers. We're willing to see how things develop, but this is our hope. This undoubtedly falls within the bounds of what mom would consider to be inappropriate.

 

She has never even met Dara (Dara's in a different state right now, so meetings are tricky), yet she's already formed a very negative opinion of her. She says I used to find Dara irritating, and that she had been glad when, a few months ago, she thought I had ceased associating with Dara. Perhaps she's afraid I'll be corrupted, somehow, by the association.

 

This all seems quite strange to me. I used to think it was only girls who had to put up with this kind of suspicion/protectiveness from their parents. Apparently not.

 

I've never disagreed with mom on anything big before. I don't drink beer, smoke, or do any kind of drugs or even want to do any of those things. I eat whole grain bread. I don't stay out late - for that matter, I don't even go out much. I don't want to get pierced or tatooed. I like classical music. I spend most of my free time in my room, writing stories. In case you don't get the picture, my life is tame compared to many people my age.

 

That's what makes this whole disagreement over Dara so strange. It's just not something I'm used to. I intend to insist that my parents respect my right to choose who I associate with, yet, I'm concerned. I don't want to have a big blow-up over this issue, but so far my efforts to get mom used to the idea of me and Dara have come to naught.

 

 

Dara's already said that she wants my parents to like her and approve of her.

 

Would it help if I introduced mom to Dara, so that she could get to know her and stop thinking of her as some faceless internet seductress, come to steal away her eldest son? Or would this just be inviting her to find more problems with the relationship, which she could then throw at me later?

 

 

I'm not sure how to deal with this situation. I know mom's concerned about me (I don't see dad as a problem), but I just feel like her concern is misplaced. I think she's convinced I'll be taken advantage of, but me and Dara have made it a policy to be very honest with each other, both about our hopes and our doubts, and I just can't see myself as a victim in this case.

 

What do you do when a person close to you has formed a very negative opinion of someone else, who is rapidly becoming close to you?

 

Don

[HokeyReligions]

If you and Dara are going to have a relationship, then she and your parents have to meet.

 

It sounds like your mom is trying to protect you from being hurt - in that I can't blame her at all.

 

Perhaps if you tell your mother that you know there is a possibility of being hurt by Dara, and that you accept the fact that you just might be Dara's rebound-guy and lose her and your heart altogether - but you are willing to take the risk because you really care for Dara, your mother might be more apt to realize that you have thought about this with your brains too and not just your heart or hormones.

 

You need to finish college - no matter what. Will Dara give you the time and space that you need to study and do well in school, and the oppotrunity to socialize with other college friends/college activities? Or will she demand more of your time? If she is not totally supportive of you and your education, then you need to re-think the relationship and back away. Your education is important and is probably one of the things worrying your mom.

 

Also, a problem you may encounter is that Dara has been out on her own - married/ and a parent. You are still living at home. That's great for you right now because you are in school, but even though you are an adult, you have to respect your parents household and their rules. You may beging to feel like you are not "equal" to Dara in some way. You may want to move out from your parents and maybe move in with Dara so that you can feel more like a man. That's a pretty natural emotional response when you are thrust into a situation where half of a couple is independent and the other is still dependent on their parents. It's not so much the age thing - just the fact of the circumstances. Be prepared for that and make a commitment to yourself now - write it down like a contract with yourself if you have to - that you will stay at home and finish school. If you get to a point where you are anxious and resentful and wanting to move out - look at that contract again and remember why you wrote it.

 

Mom and Dara need to get to know each other.

[IRULE]

sorry i cant type . the reason your mom does not like her is because she is married and has a child so in a way she sees her as a slut, which is not someone she wants for you. she has baggage and you are just starting out. with ex and kid most of the time there are many problems, in divorces and after when kids are involved .have you thought about how you would deal with that ? doesn't sound like you have a clue about all the problems it causes.

 

 

you should wait until their relationship is over before even thinking about having one with her and then take it slow. I can see why your mother doesn't want you to get involved with her, if you really want to be with her she needs to meet your mom so your mom can decide if she likes her as a person and not just judge her because of her past. good luck.

[maskee28]

You sound like a very mature 21-year-old. You seem to have things together and know what you want out of life. But, at the same time, I can see why your mother is disapproving of this relationship.

 

As long as you are living at home, and dependent on your parents, then you are still a child. You haven't truly experienced independence - i.e. paying your own rent, bills, etc. I disagree that it would be a good idea to move in with Dara as a previous poster suggested...firstly, because she has a five-year-old daughter. I do not think it fair to move in simply so you can 'try out' the living situation with your girlfriend when there is a child involved. She will become attached to you very quickly, and it will be very painful if/when your relationship with Dara ends and you leave. I think it is horrible for those kids who grow up watching their mothers bounce from relationship to relationship, shacking up with a different guy every year. Secondly, I think if you DO decide to move out of your parents' house, then it's always best to live on your own for a while or with a roommate to develop independence.

 

If you do move out and live on your own, then your parents shouldn't really have a say in who you date anyway...you are an adult. But if you do decide to pursue this relationship, I think it best to wait until she's divorced. Separated or not, she is still a married woman until the final divorce papers are signed.

[lurker]

Ok, maybe you wish mom could be more enlightened, etc., etc., but I think it's a rare mom who would be happy to see her 21yo son involved with a 28yo woman who has a child and is getting a divorce. I would suspect that Dara's life is or will be in turmoil. Your mom is probably hoping that you will graduate from college, start a career and, in time, meet/marry a woman with whom you can build a life. She probably has not considered the "instant soup" family that you seem to be heading for. It's also possible that she has some valid insight into Dara's motivations. Frankly, a woman who is leaving her husband to be with you (even under the guise of saying it's not because of you but because you've given her the courage to do what she needs to do) is not a good bet, imo. Dara may indeed love you for giving her the strength she needs at this difficult time, but it is not likely that this is true remoantic love nor that it will last.

 

You mentioned that your mom said Dara used to irritate you. What irritated you and how does mom know about it?

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think relationships stand a much better chance when both partoes come to them without baggage. In your case, Dara is carrying an entire luggage set!

[Don_W]

Thank you for your replies.

 

None of them are particularly comforting, but if I had wanted that I would have asked my friends for advice instead of going to complete strangers in an online relationship forum.

 

I will now attempt to reply to each person in turn, by addressing what I see as some of the points of the messages.

 

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Originally posted by HokeyReligions

If you and Dara are going to have a relationship, then she and your parents have to meet.

 

Understandable. I was partly seeking advice on the most advantageous way of leading up to this.

 

 

You need to finish college - no matter what. Will Dara give you the time and space that you need to study and do well in school, and the oppotrunity to socialize with other college friends/college activities? Or will she demand more of your time?

 

Dara has already demonstrated, to my satisfaction, that she respects my educational goals. She has asked me how far I intend to go in my schooling, and has offered support and advice based on her own experiences in college. I don't see a reason to believe this will change.

 

 

You may want to move out from your parents and maybe move in with Dara so that you can feel more like a man. That's a pretty natural emotional response when you are thrust into a situation where half of a couple is independent and the other is still dependent on their parents.

 

Interesting point. Does a woman experience pressure to move in with some guy on the basis that it will make her feel "more like a woman?"

 

I take it you don't mean that I would be tempted do move in with her in an effort to reinforce my gender identity. I'm guessing that when you say I might be tempted to move in with her so I can "feel more like a man" you mean I may experience feelings of low self esteem as a result of her having more financial capacity and autonomy than I do, and I may see moving in with her as a way of raising myself to her level.

 

 

It's not so much the age thing - just the fact of the circumstances.

 

Good. I did understand what you meant. Me and Dara are both aware of what my circumstances are at this time, as well as what they're likely to be in the future. If, in fact, this turns out to be a greater problem between us than what either of us thinks it will be at this time, that could very well prove that we are not suited for each other.

 

 

Be prepared for that and make a commitment to yourself now - write it down like a contract with yourself if you have to - that you will stay at home and finish school.

 

That is a very solid piece of advice, HokeyReligions.

 

The way I understand it, if a person loves someone, that person is supposed to support his/her love's endeavors. If Dara intentionally interferes with my schooling, then it could amount to a potential derailment of many years of my life. That kind of behavior, on her part, would not be consistent with my view of how a person is supposed to behave in a healthy relationship.

 

If my internal insecurities were to demand such a thing of me, with or without active prompting from Dara, well, that would need to be dealt with too. Perhaps it is a naive thought, but I think a good relationship is supposed to make one's life better, not sabatoge it, even as an unintended side affect.

 

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Originally posted by IRULE

the reason your mom does not like her is because she is married and has a child so in a way she sees her as a slut, which is not someone she wants for you.

 

This is possibly accurate.

 

 

with ex and kid most of the time there are many problems, in divorces and after when kids are involved .have you thought about how you would deal with that ? doesn't sound like you have a clue about all the problems it causes.

 

I find it slightly intriguing that you would assume I have no "clue" about the potential problems inherant in becoming involved with this woman. Divorce is rather common in the US, perhaps tragically so, but still the point remains that it occurs often enough that the reality of it is scarcely a secret.

 

I do, however, admit to not having first hand experience with this particular problem, so I will take your advice under consideration.

 

 

I can see why your mother doesn't want you to get involved with her, if you really want to be with her she needs to meet your mom so your mom can decide if she likes her as a person and not just judge her because of her past.

 

Solid advice.

 

good luck.

 

Thank you.

 

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Originally posted by maskee28

As long as you are living at home, and dependent on your parents, then you are still a child. You haven't truly experienced independence - i.e. paying your own rent, bills, etc.

 

This is quite true. If it is an insurmountable barrier to developing a relationship with this person then I expect that will show itself in time. I do not, after all, intend to remain a child forever. I have life goals that I intend to pursue, and at the moment the best strategy to reach them seems to be doing what I'm currently engaged in - being a "child"/student.

 

 

I disagree that it would be a good idea to move in with Dara as a previous poster suggested

 

Actually, I don't believe the previous poster (HokeyReligions) you were referring to approved of the suggestion. It was offered in the spirit of telling me what I might be tempted to do. He/she advised against it.

 

 

...firstly, because she has a five-year-old daughter. I do not think it fair to move in simply so you can 'try out' the living situation with your girlfriend when there is a child involved. She will become attached to you very quickly, and it will be very painful if/when your relationship with Dara ends and you leave.

 

I entirely agree with you, Maskee28. It would be entirely unfair to the girl for me to treat her and her mother as some kind of glorified emotional experiment. I would not want to hurt that child in such a way.

 

 

I think it is horrible for those kids who grow up watching their mothers bounce from relationship to relationship, shacking up with a different guy every year.

 

Again, I completely agree with you. Such an environment is not a stable one in which to raise a child. I would not, knowingly, want to contribute to the emotional turmoil that casual relationships between adults can create for the children involved.

 

 

If you do move out and live on your own, then your parents shouldn't really have a say in who you date anyway...you are an adult.

 

True enough. While I live with my parents I am beholden to them for my support, and required to deal with the realities of that situation. If I lived on my own, I would be making all my own decisions regarding this and many other things. As the precise time to move out is a decision that could have ramifications for many years, if not for the entirety, of my life, I intend for it to encounter close and cautious scrutiny.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my message.

 

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Originally posted by lurker

I think it's a rare mom who would be happy to see her 21yo son involved with a 28yo woman who has a child and is getting a divorce.

 

Yes, you're most likely right about this.

 

 

She probably has not considered the "instant soup" family that you seem to be heading for.

 

Most likely not. I had not, for that matter, considered it until recently.

 

 

It's also possible that she has some valid insight into Dara's motivations.

 

Admittedly possible. I am, as of yet, unsure of what harm would come to me even if those speculations were true.

 

 

Frankly, a woman who is leaving her husband to be with you (even under the guise of saying it's not because of you but because you've given her the courage to do what she needs to do) is not a good bet, imo.

 

Either you're saying she doesn't know her own mind, or that she is being deliberately deceptive with me.

 

She wanted to get a divorce a year before we ever met. I may be an important agent in inspiring her change, but that role is shared by another close friend of hers, and in any case, her marital problems began before I ever entered the picture. Some of the things she's caught her (soon to be ex) husband doing recently would, I think, give most reasonable women cause to reassess their relationships. It's not merely a change of taste, but a breach of trust that is driving her away from him.

 

 

You mentioned that your mom said Dara used to irritate you. What irritated you and how does mom know about it?

 

I believe that refers to back when I first met her. We met through a writing group. She initially came on with a kind of arrogant stance, as if she knew so much about her chosen avocation that publishers should be virtually pounding down her doors. After a few months of spending time with other writers of amateur and professional status, she gained a more realistic idea of her own skill level.

 

My experience indicates that this is not at all an unusual thing for beginners in any field, artistic or otherwise.

 

Mom probably knows about this because I remarked upon it at the time. I have often remarked on the people in that group to her, and to begin with Dara was just another member as far as I was concerned.

 

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think relationships stand a much better chance when both partoes come to them without baggage. In your case, Dara is carrying an entire luggage set!

 

Perhaps it wasn't the kind of thing I enjoy reading, but you were willing to tell me what you honestly thought, even when you suspected I wouldn't like it, so that is appreciated.

 

As to how much luggage one carries, there's a difference between having a past, which everyone does, and being controlled by it, which everyone does not do. Anyhow, it would have to be our choice as to how much luggage we were able to put up with. Not everyone's tolerances are the same for that kind of thing.

 

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I posted my original question, looking to see if there were any "easy answers" I was missing. Evidently, in this case, as in most cases, there aren't any. I thought it was worth a try, though. It rarely hurts to ask.

 

One thing interesting I've seen is the emphasis on why such a relationship as I've proposed wouldn't work. Very well. I understand that there are a great many technical difficulties involved.

 

Supposing, though, that I was to pursue such a thing in a considered fashion, not allowing it to interfere with my schooling, or to derail other important sections of my life, I still fail to see where the lasting harm would be even if the relationship didn't work out. Obviously I would be distressed by such a failure, but many people have experienced such things, and not been permanently harmed by them.

 

I am not convinced I "can't live without" this woman - I do, however, believe that being with her may prove to make me happier than being without her. If our friendship wanes as a result of the obstacles between us, then perhaps we weren't meant to be together in the first place. If I am not, in fact, happier with her than without her, or if she eventually decides her feelings for me aren't what she thought they were, it seems to me that a natural end to the relationship would appear.

 

I would like to specifically thank Maskee28 for helping to bring up the issue of Dara's daughter forming an attachment to me at a time when me and Dara have not permanently committed ourselves to each other. I had already given the girl some consideration, but not quite in so many words, and not quite with that specific slant. It is definitely something I will remain aware of. Two adults are capable of engaging in a temporary or unlikely to succeed relationship, because they can both give mutual consent to see how things develop, but it isn't right to engage a child in such a thing.

 

Thank you for your responses, everyone. They have been considered.

 

Don

[Curt W]

The reason you've received so many negative replies is possibly that these people have experienced broken relationships that were intended to be long term.

 

"I still fail to see where the lasting harm would be even if the relationship didn't work out."

 

It's not my intention to put you down regarding your age or lack of life's experiences but just because you fail to see it doesn't mean it isn't there. I deal with people daily whose relationships are ending and it's always a bad situation for both parties. If you feel it can be treated so lightly I have to wonder about your purpose for pursuing this. If you feel no harm would come of it then you must at least consider Dara.

 

Divorce is indeed rampant in this country and almost as bad in some others. This doesn't mean that it should be accepted as a norm. If people would educate themselves before beginning even a relationship such as you suggest maybe the tide could turn a little bit.

 

Visit some of the relationship boards that deal with divorce and broken relationships Don. If you can read them, I mean really read them, and not view this in a different light then I'd just have to give up.

[Spacer]

To be honest, from what I have read and the way you express yourself, I am getting the impression that you got your s*** together and are fully capable of making a responsible decision without ignoring any potential risks.

 

Getting closely involved with someone - whoever it is - is an inherently "dangerous" exercsise, as there are no guarantees in life - and frankly, there is only so much that "probability" will let you assess about how things might turn out.

 

So, all I can see is that you are happy with the prospect of developing a closer relationship with Dara and give it your best shot, assuming and relying on the fact that so will she. As far as I am concerned, that would be good enough for me, so I would say, go for it and best of luck. Things might not work out and you might get hurt, but that risk is part of life - and growth rarely comes totally without trial and error

 

As for your mum: She might have to see for herself first over a longer period that you are indeed happy with your life and are not just "throwing" things away - maybe you can clarify this to her, to alleviate any concerns she might have. But then you should also appeal to her to trust and respect your judgement! Based on the level-headedness you have been showing here, I think that would be a fair thing to ask. I am sure she loves and respects you a lot, and if not, she should She might want to protect you all your life, but she got to realise this won't be possible, so maybe it's just taking her some time to get used to it.

 

If she won't get around to accepting your friendship with Dara, then maybe negotiate a "free zone" to take the subject out of the constant limelight, i.e. no further discussions - at the end of the day, you are responsible for your own life and your own choices, be they good or bad Life is exciting, but a lot of people are getting kind of scared to change or even to "risk" anything - playing it safe is something I am seeing around in a lot of people ... - it's up to you to decide which risks are worth taking for you, and which are not.

 

Not even your mum can take that responsibilty off you - and actually, she shouldn't, unless she wants to end up worrying about maybe denying you real happiness .... but as the saying, the proof is in the pudding ... - so you will only find out once you are down that road, if it will work for you ...