NC Really Does work!! For healing

[selena_cat]

Hello everyone

I know this is the break up threads here,and I read alot of people are hurting and wondering like i did, when or will the dumper will ever come back,or what should I do, and if I would never ever get past this.

Believe me my friensds and ffamily has heard it all before

I posted in 3 different websites, about the same thing,i thought i would

Never Ever get over this breakup, ii was soo stuck, if you ever read my post,it was just non stop thinking,and obsessing,and using NC to get his his attention. Even my therapist seemed tired of this! Well guess what,its been 7 months already and I

can actually for all my heart say that I am happy and Glad that I am done with him,no longer need him or that kind of person in my life.

Done with waiting,hoping, analizing to death what went,, we all have been there and done that.

I remember ask so many people, will i hear from him,when when,

well now i can say, haha Who Cares!

I also want to think members here for being there for me, you know who you are, You have helped me sooo much on my healing, just taking that time means alot. I want to do the same for everyone here,

i will tell you that going NC will not stop you from wondering if it ever has an effect on your exes, thats all I could think about for the past 7 months, even before then when i tried to keep away and still broke it/Which kept setting me back

MY lesson is,when you first hear the words, i want to break up, I need a break, its not going to work or there is no future..( you can add more to break up lines,we all have heard it before)

Go on NO Contact right away, Do Cold Turkey and Cut them out of your life,unless you have children, or they owe you money,there are always circumstances. I know,easier said than done, but not doing this will prevent you from healing and moving past this.

.

I dont know what everyones circumstances are, but from what I've ben reading it all seem to have something in common someone walked the other one is left pickin gup the pieces. Theres always something but first things first-take care of YOU, that itself is a Journey.

Someone wrote to me once,When you give your Power away to someone,

it takes a while to get it back, to regain what is lost,it is Hard work,

but its so worth it!!

Just wanted to let everyone know, so share your opinions and experiences,also what you can do to get past this,i'm still learning

i'll still be here for all of you LS!

[EmperorR]

so it took you 7 months to feel this way?

 

only 6 months and 10 days to go yay:lmao:

[selena_cat]

Hi Emporer,

believe me i was not feelin gthis way last week, it goes up and down,

But i honestly can really say i am moving forward,how long has it been for you?

[BCCA]

Everyone is different, and some people take a little longer to get over things, but the important thing is that youre realizing what you need to do to feel better, and thats great. Its easy to fall into self pitty and depression, but it takes a lot of strength to pull yourself out.

 

Im glad to see youre doing better. Take it one day at a time, and whatever you do, DON"T allow yourself to dwell anymore.

 

Be well

[sid3]

Hmmm.... It sounds like you are now truly happy. I am happy for you. Too quickly we forget just how wonderful we really are when dealing with a breakup. Nothing like a mindshagging to leave us feeling broken, disappointed, and stuck, trying to make sense of all the games that were played with our emotions. While I have been staying away from the forum, to avoid the constant reminders about breakups, n/c and such, I thought I'd reply to your post to congradulate you on your newly regained happiness. I can only imagine how nice it must have felt at the exact moment when you came to this conclusion. Hopefully you'll share some details, like, what helped you finally let go? Curious minds want to know..:lmao:hahaha.. I remember telling you that you'd look back on that situation and say 'wtf was I thinking",

of course you deserve better. And just remember, you never need a person like the jerk in your life, it takes some patience, but you just never know when a good guy may cross your path. ............Sid

[selena_cat]

Hi BCCA, Sid3,

thanks for your support,youre right, i dont need a jerk in my life, my mind has gotten enough mindshagging that last a long time, its interesting how someone's persception of you or little regard for you can alter your self esteem!What helped me let go. well i couldnt have done it without good people comming in my life,and letting me know,hey I deserve better

and it also takes time and effort,you have to want to feel better,

believe me there were times when i would just feel awful

those were more often. Like i said it takes determination,

any one whose been through abusive relationships can tell you

how long it took them to work on feeling better about themselves which means Leaving the evil alone,and having good people in my life,

hopefully a good guy:love:

[Jake C]

I went no cotact for 5 weeks, and could tell I was beginning to move on. It still hurt but I was getting better, feeling better. Then I get a couple e-mail forwards from her and it's like I'm right back where I started, obsessing, analyzing, hoping. Now what do I do? I want to respond because I still love her and want her back, but I know it would just set me back again. I'm torn, I don't know what to do. I feel like sh*t again. What do you do if you can't control whether they contact you or not?

[Sysyphus28]

I went no cotact for 5 weeks, and could tell I was beginning to move on. It still hurt but I was getting better, feeling better. Then I get a couple e-mail forwards from her and it's like I'm right back where I started, obsessing, analyzing, hoping. Now what do I do? I want to respond because I still love her and want her back, but I know it would just set me back again. I'm torn, I don't know what to do. I feel like sh*t again. What do you do if you can't control whether they contact you or not?

 

I was starting to feel good. She called me 3 times last weekend without leavign a message. I am stuck hurting and wonderign. What do I do??

I want to hear her voice again,...but I am afraid that it is going to be disappointing(which it prob will).

I don't know what to do, NC has been so much work, I don't want to go back to where I started! It is almost one month!

[Jake C]

I was starting to feel good. She called me 3 times last weekend without leavign a message. I am stuck hurting and wonderign. What do I do??

I want to hear her voice again,...but I am afraid that it is going to be disappointing(which it prob will).

I don't know what to do, NC has been so much work, I don't want to go back to where I started! It is almost one month!

 

 

Yeah, I don't know what to think either. It sounds like with your situation if she's called you three times she obviously wants to get ahold of you. What she wants or has to say is anyones guess. Could be anything. The fact that she doesn't leave a message might indicate that she's afraid to let you know why she's calling, or at the very least doesn't want to say what she has to say in a voicemail. It's hard to know what to do when your heart and your head are in direct opposition. I would say if you could handle talking to her and keeping it light and friendly then I would answer her to see what she has to say, but they say, no contact is about you healing so if you're not ready then keep to yourself. That's what I'm going to do. Mine was just a couple e-mail forwards, which isn't really direct contact like a phone call or a text. It sucks because I feel like if I ignore the contact that I'll lose any opportunity at a friendship or reconciliation. Sounds like we're in similar boats though, let me know if you have any new developments.

[Sysyphus28]

Yeah, I don't know what to think either. It sounds like with your situation if she's called you three times she obviously wants to get ahold of you. What she wants or has to say is anyones guess. Could be anything. The fact that she doesn't leave a message might indicate that she's afraid to let you know why she's calling, or at the very least doesn't want to say what she has to say in a voicemail. It's hard to know what to do when your heart and your head are in direct opposition. I would say if you could handle talking to her and keeping it light and friendly then I would answer her to see what she has to say, but they say, no contact is about you healing so if you're not ready then keep to yourself. That's what I'm going to do. Mine was just a couple e-mail forwards, which isn't really direct contact like a phone call or a text. It sucks because I feel like if I ignore the contact that I'll lose any opportunity at a friendship or reconciliation. Sounds like we're in similar boats though, let me know if you have any new developments.

 

Dude,

S*** was already ruined. She ruined it. Maybe your relationship had some imperfections, but all relationships do. SHe didn't want to put he work in and make it solid. Lost love is horrible, because you remember how sweet it was when you had it. I think by replying to an email forward(whichis a pathetic way to get your attention),or calling someone back you risk your own dignity. I don't want to be her lapdog, even though I love her. Maybe I am ruining a freindship opportnuty for us right now, but hey, how could i be friends with someone who F-ed me over so bad. She treated me like a piece of crap for the whole summer and all I wanted was another chance. She kept me hanging on while she banged another dude 10 hours away!

GROSS!! She sucks big time. Freinds don't do that to eachother. They are honest with you because they care about you.

By you replying or me replying we are saying "EVERYTHING IS OK".

Is what she did ok with you? DO you feel good about it?

How lame would it be hanging out with my ex at a bar...getting some drinks, getting buzzed, and seeing her chat on the phone to her new man./....and then NOT go home with you.

The freind zone..................if she wants to talk to me she can leave a detailed apology on my voicemail. If it sounds sincere enough, maybe I will call her back.

Just because we loved them doesn't mean we have to be emotional weaklings. Even if the sex was amazing and you had everything in common.....you still have to MAN-UP!

[Jake C]

Dude,

S*** was already ruined. She ruined it. Maybe your relationship had some imperfections, but all relationships do. SHe didn't want to put he work in and make it solid. Lost love is horrible, because you remember how sweet it was when you had it. I think by replying to an email forward(whichis a pathetic way to get your attention),or calling someone back you risk your own dignity. I don't want to be her lapdog, even though I love her. Maybe I am ruining a freindship opportnuty for us right now, but hey, how could i be friends with someone who F-ed me over so bad. She treated me like a piece of crap for the whole summer and all I wanted was another chance. She kept me hanging on while she banged another dude 10 hours away!

GROSS!! She sucks big time. Freinds don't do that to eachother. They are honest with you because they care about you.

By you replying or me replying we are saying "EVERYTHING IS OK".

Is what she did ok with you? DO you feel good about it?

How lame would it be hanging out with my ex at a bar...getting some drinks, getting buzzed, and seeing her chat on the phone to her new man./....and then NOT go home with you.

The freind zone..................if she wants to talk to me she can leave a detailed apology on my voicemail. If it sounds sincere enough, maybe I will call her back.

Just because we loved them doesn't mean we have to be emotional weaklings. Even if the sex was amazing and you had everything in common.....you still have to MAN-UP!

 

 

I agree with you 100%! I wasn't aware your break up was so rough. If she totally treated you like hell, and started getting physical with someone else while you were still seperating then, yeah, don't answer her calls, that's just wrong of her. She's probably regretting doing what she did, and is trying to get you back but some things just aren't forgivable in a second chance situation. I agree on manning up and not being a weakling, I'm definitely not a doormat, and no contact is great for restoring dignity. I'm not sure what's going on with my ex if it was someone else or not, but our break up wasn't horrible (no fighting, screaming, arguing) other than her more or less blowing me off and not being very respectful, the break up itself was fairly cordial. And while I'm still mad at how she handled it, and don't agree with it, I still have feelings for her. But you're right by replying to them we are propping up their ego, making them feel reassured that we don't hate them. I heard once that most of the time when a dumper contacts a dumpee, it's not for the dumpee's benefit, but the dumper's. They want to feel better about what they did and can only get that from us. Which are all good things to remember, but it doesn't change the fact that I miss her, and want to get it back.

[EmperorR]

I was starting to feel good. She called me 3 times last weekend without leavign a message. I am stuck hurting and wonderign. What do I do??

I want to hear her voice again,...but I am afraid that it is going to be disappointing(which it prob will).

I don't know what to do, NC has been so much work, I don't want to go back to where I started! It is almost one month!

 

 

 

 

I know the feeling I am twenty days nc, first I was five days nc she contacted me but only to ask something stupid about her new crush, I never knew I could do twenty days no way I'm breaking it and feeling how I did when I just started

[EmperorR]

I agree with you 100%! I wasn't aware your break up was so rough. If she totally treated you like hell, and started getting physical with someone else while you were still seperating then, yeah, don't answer her calls, that's just wrong of her. She's probably regretting doing what she did, and is trying to get you back but some things just aren't forgivable in a second chance situation. I agree on manning up and not being a weakling, I'm definitely not a doormat, and no contact is great for restoring dignity. I'm not sure what's going on with my ex if it was someone else or not, but our break up wasn't horrible (no fighting, screaming, arguing) other than her more or less blowing me off and not being very respectful, the break up itself was fairly cordial. And while I'm still mad at how she handled it, and don't agree with it, I still have feelings for her. But you're right by replying to them we are propping up their ego, making them feel reassured that we don't hate them. I heard once that most of the time when a dumper contacts a dumpee, it's not for the dumpee's benefit, but the dumper's. They want to feel better about what they did and can only get that from us. Which are all

good things to remember, but it doesn't change the fact that I miss her, and

want to get it back.

 

Yup, the nerve of my ex the other day testing me hey you how are you doing?*Let's see she dumped me treated me like dirt, already has feelings for a new guy, I just deleted the text all she wants is to get rid of her guilt or if im still pathetic being a doormat but nope.

[Sysyphus28]

Yup, the nerve of my ex the other day testing me hey you how are you doing?*Let's see she dumped me treated me like dirt, already has feelings for a new guy, I just deleted the text all she wants is to get rid of her guilt or if im still pathetic being a doormat but nope.

 

I won't let her get rid of her guilt and shame! She is probably having trouble justifying her despicable way of breaking up with her "love" and she wants me to say it would be cool to be friends....or civil.

I won't take the demotion. I don't want her terms.

I don't want to be my ex girlfriends friend. She spit on trust and loyalty and kindness and friendship when she embarrassed me in front of every friend I made in the new state I live in(NC). I got cheated on and left.... ignored and belittled....embarrassed...and shamed.

 

3 weeks NC under my belt. 3 missed calls ignored. *** JUst like she ignored my texts and calls!! I'm supposed to pick up when she calls me, like she is Jessica Alba...........or jennifer love hewett?

She is just a confused little college girl who thought that she play house.

 

I made such an A** of myself running after her, I hang my head in shame for being such a DOORMAT.

 

I won't call her back!

[i11]

Sometimes anger could help us in such breakups. But never let the rage take over our mind. We've lost a relationship, which doesnt mean we are bad persons. To get over the sad memory, move on and get our new life started is what NC means to achieve.

[selena_cat]

hello Sys,and Jake C

I cantell (jake) by your posts you are wondring if ever when your ex contacts you then its a door opening,hopefully i ,m right,

unless she is claling to get back together with you then any contact is void, doesnt mean anything,really i see yorue putting yourself thru hell for this. You have to stay firm in NC,really or you'll always be wonding

.

[Katherineos123]

Ok. But what about when you run in the same circle of friends??

 

I mean, me and my ex are "attempting" to be friends **although I want more, and to be honest, I dont know if being friends with him is any good for me!**

 

But we have all the same friends. And Im not about to stay at home all night for fear that he might be there, and Im not about to ask him to do the same... So what then??

[Sysyphus28]

hello Sys,and Jake C

I cantell (jake) by your posts you are wondring if ever when your ex contacts you then its a door opening,hopefully i ,m right,

unless she is claling to get back together with you then any contact is void, doesnt mean anything,really i see yorue putting yourself thru hell for this. You have to stay firm in NC,really or you'll always be wonding

.

 

I think your probably right about all contact being void. Unless she is calling to "hang out" or see eachother all contact from her is fruitless. I have been putting myself through the ringer wondering what the 3 missed calls were about last weekend.

 

I want to talk to her, I think I really miss her(maybe that is just some other wierd feeling)(I don't know), I almost called her the other day, but didn't finish dialing the number. She has not called back to pursue me, and she has not left any message or sent any email. I really think she is a piece of garbage for doing what she has done.

 

Her selfishness, her sneaky/underhanded ways, her betrayal, all of these things way heavy on my decision to give this immature girl(not woman) a call back. I obviously have alot of resentment/anger towards what has happened to me.

 

Is calling her back(after the "missed calls") a step backward?? WHy didn't she leave me a message?

A girl-friend(friend) of mine said that she wants to talk but is embarrassed to leave a message. She said,"if my ex left a message and did not get a call back she will have given up some power she has in this crap situation.

 

It is interesting how relationships...beginnning, middle, and end can be a struggle for power......

we give so much, only to be left with so little

[Jake C]

hello Sys,and Jake C

I cantell (jake) by your posts you are wondring if ever when your ex contacts you then its a door opening,hopefully i ,m right,

unless she is claling to get back together with you then any contact is void, doesnt mean anything,really i see yorue putting yourself thru hell for this. You have to stay firm in NC,really or you'll always be wonding

.

 

Yeah that's the tough part. When she does contatct me, regardless of what form it takes, I think its the door opening. It gives me hope that she regrets what she's done and realizes what she lost (in my opinion, the best thing that's ever going to happen to her). I know, only she truly knows what that is. But you're right, if she wanted it back, there would be no doubt about her intentions.

 

It bothers me that ex's do this contacting thing. Just like Sys's ex calling three times and no messages. I understand that they want to be relieved of their guilt or feel better about themselves. But why bother? If they didn't want the relationship or didn't want anything to do with us, why not just go away? Sure, them feeling guilty shows at least some concern about having possibly hurt you, or that they feel bad for doing what they did, and probably do still care or have feelings on some level, but if they didn't give a sh*t then, then why do they now? What changes? Haven't they done enough damage already?

[EmperorR]

gah I feel like a drug addict and she is my drug 22 days nc I just want to txt and say hi but there is no turning back. Everything was good now I can't stop thniking of her. If it wasn't fir this forum I'd cave right now

[Sysyphus28]

Yeah that's the tough part. When she does contatct me, regardless of what form it takes, I think its the door opening. It gives me hope that she regrets what she's done and realizes what she lost (in my opinion, the best thing that's ever going to happen to her). I know, only she truly knows what that is. But you're right, if she wanted it back, there would be no doubt about her intentions.

 

It bothers me that ex's do this contacting thing. Just like Sys's ex calling three times and no messages. I understand that they want to be relieved of their guilt or feel better about themselves. But why bother? If they didn't want the relationship or didn't want anything to do with us, why not just go away? Sure, them feeling guilty shows at least some concern about having possibly hurt you, or that they feel bad for doing what they did, and probably do still care or have feelings on some level, but if they didn't give a sh*t then, then why do they now? What changes? Haven't they done enough damage already?

 

Nothing has really changed. She still F-ed someone else all summer and broke my heart. She still moved out of our apt and dumped me.....that happened. If she wants to talk to me she can try harder.

God knows I tried......!! ANd tried, and cried, and begged for her back. That's how much I loved her and how addictd to her "love" i was!

With "friends" like her who needs enemies. serioyusly

[Jake C]

gah I feel like a drug addict and she is my drug 22 days nc I just want to txt and say hi but there is no turning back. Everything was good now I can't stop thniking of her. If it wasn't fir this forum I'd cave right now

 

I hear ya bro, it does almost feel like an addiction. You've just got to remember if you were to send a text how sh*tty you'd feel when she didn't respond. Then you'd be wondering and obsessing all over again. You're better off just trying to stay busy and keeping your mind off of her. Wait till you actually do hear from her, that'll really cook your noodle. Do you answer, do you respond, what do you say, what does it mean? If she does you'll almost wish she hadn't cause it'll throw you right back. I'm not saying it's going to happen but no contact is the only way it might happen. Just stay strong, it WILL get easier.

[Jake C]

Ok. But what about when you run in the same circle of friends??

 

I mean, me and my ex are "attempting" to be friends **although I want more, and to be honest, I dont know if being friends with him is any good for me!**

 

But we have all the same friends. And Im not about to stay at home all night for fear that he might be there, and Im not about to ask him to do the same... So what then??

 

I would say, to just invite a couple of your friends out with you for a fun night. Don't say anything about your ex to them just try to hang out and have fun. If you're not over your ex and still being around him then it's not healthy. It's probably holding you back and making you hurt even more, delaying the healing process. Don't sit at home all night, but try to get your friends to go out with just you. If you make the plans and don't invite him then you're all good. But if you're not over him then you should find methods to stay away. I would have a hell of a time being around an ex if I weren't over them.

[EmperorR]

I hear ya bro, it does almost feel like an addiction. You've just got to remember if you were to send a text how sh*tty you'd feel when she didn't respond. Then you'd be wondering and obsessing all over again. You're better off just trying to stay busy and keeping your mind off of her. Wait till you actually do hear from her, that'll really cook your noodle. Do you answer, do you respond, what do you say, what does it mean? If she does you'll almost wish she hadn't cause it'll throw you right back. I'm not saying it's going to happen but no contact is the only way it might happen. Just stay strong, it WILL get easier.

 

 

Thanks and yup I know I'll feel good when I hit that send button then 30 seconds later I'll be kicking myself. I just have this feeling inside when I finally get over her and I'm totally healed, that's when she will contact me. Like when your looking for a job apply to ten places no replies then you get a job and suddenly there all calling you for interviews.

[Sysyphus28]

They can sense when you have moved on. Fake it until you make it.

Force them to think you don't care by utilizing NC. Eventually you actually don't care....which has to be awesome.

SHe called three times I didn't call back.

I Win.

She doesn't.

I resisted the urge. I am healing from this because i can do better!