Too picky or should I just not be dating?

[Kamille]

Events this week have me wondering - yet again - if maybe I have a problem.

 

In the past week, 4 guys asked me out/hit on me.

 

I reported on guy number one, who freaked me out when he told me, on date 1, that he really liked me, that he'd been looking for someone for a long time and that he thought I fit the bill of who he was looking for.

 

He called, ask for a second date and I declined.

 

At an event later that week, I ran into an acquaintance I hadn't seen in weeks. We work on about the same topics so we launched into it. I kept backing into the wall because he was always leaning closer and closer to me. At one point he tried to kiss me and I told him "listen, I don't know why but I freak out easily" and left. He came to say goodbye and I apologized. He said not to worry about it.

 

I got out with friends, meet a friend of a friend, we get along great and he walks me home. I ran into him again this weekend and he gave me his phone number (because I am moving and he wants me to call him when I am back in town)... So far, this guy is the only guy who hasn't freaked me out, but at the same time, I don't think he is physically my type.

 

Tonight, another friend/acquaintance who I think friends are trying to set me up with asked me out to a movie and I agreed to it. I like this guy, find him funny, but again, I don't think I'm physically attracted to him.

 

My question is: what's going on with me? Has anyone else gone through a phase of "close but no cigars"? Am I being too picky? Should I just not be dating right now (which was originally the plan anyways!)?

 

One of the guys (guy number 2 in the list) said something to the effect that he had a hard time figuring out whether or not I liked him. I see this comment in two ways 1) just because I'm nice to you doesn't mean I want to jump your bones 2) maybe I'm sending out the wrong signals.

[Nemo]

I'd be holding out for something bigger than a cigar, but it's your life, and therefore your call. All we can do here is try to make you more self-aware, and facilitate your personal journey of self-discovery. Sure, we get frustrated when you keep coming back with the same issues again, and again, and again, and... well, you know. But we still love you.

[Geishawhelk]

No.

Don't date if you don't want to.

To be honest, I think I certainly for one have reached the stage that, if something floats my boat, I'm pretty quick at recognising it....!

 

By all means go out on dates...

 

Tell them that you're not looking to be in a serious relationship right now....(Note: only tell them this if they haven't given you that familiar "Hmmmmm...I think I'm buzzin'! " feeling...!)

 

If they are expecting something more after this - that's their problem. You were up-front, and told them you weren't into serious dating... So... what, they think you don't mean it - ?

[Kamille]

I'd be holding out for something bigger than a cigar, but it's your life, and therefore your call. All we can do here is try to make you more self-aware, and facilitate your personal journey of self-discovery. Sure, we get frustrated when you keep coming back with the same issues again, and again, and again, and... well, you know. But we still love you.

 

Thanks, narcissism is what I do best.

 

 

No.

Don't date if you don't want to.

To be honest, I think I certainly for one have reached the stage that, if something floats my boat, I'm pretty quick at recognising it....!

 

By all means go out on dates...

 

Tell them that you're not looking to be in a serious relationship right now....(Note: only tell them this if they haven't given you that familiar "Hmmmmm...I think I'm buzzin'! " feeling...!)

 

If they are expecting something more after this - that's their problem. You were up-front, and told them you weren't into serious dating... So... what, they think you don't mean it - ?

 

That's how I feel most of the time. I'm just wondering what's going on with guys coming on strong either on the first date or pre-first date.

 

I'm thinking they've all heard of the friendzone and it's their way to try and avoid it.

 

EXCEPT, I'm a fan of slow growing romance. Before my ex, I was always friends with the guys I knew before feeling any strong sense of attraction to them. I enjoy noticing the butterflies, the uncertainty. Could be I read way too many Jane Austen novels as a kid. But still. What's wrong with getting to know somebody before launching in for the kiss or the I like you speeches?

[Nemo]

Could be I read way too many Jane Austen novels as a kid.

That's impossible. First, you can't read too many Jane Austen novels. Second, too much of a good thing is wonderful. Third, balance is important, but not when it comes to Jane Austen novels.

 

Anyway, when it's right, you won't question it. You only question it when something ain't right. But, most of the time, you don't realise that something ain't right until it's too late. So, in summary, don't think too much. Let your dampness be your soul guide. Or sole guide - whichever.

[Yamaha]

I'm thinking they've all heard of the friendzone and it's their way to try and avoid it.

 

This is my bet. It is common knowledge of the ladder system with women and most guys think if you don't act aggressive and confident soon you will be on the friendship ladder. The knowledge of this and many women's mixed signals have caused men to jump the gun and not take things at a more comfortable pace. They figure if you don't like them enough to want to get horizontal then they might as well move on. Many women get frustrated because some want a real friendship but guys are conditioned to see this as second class and not desired.

[Trialbyfire]

This is the beauty of being a woman. You don't have to date everyone who shows interest.

[orangehose]

This is my bet. It is common knowledge of the ladder system with women and most guys think if you don't act aggressive and confident soon you will be on the friendship ladder. The knowledge of this and many women's mixed signals have caused men to jump the gun and not take things at a more comfortable pace. They figure if you don't like them enough to want to get horizontal then they might as well move on. Many women get frustrated because some want a real friendship but guys are conditioned to see this as second class and not desired.

 

I can understand men not wanting to 'waste' time on a platonic friendship with a female, but I really think this new culture of aggressive pursuit can backfire. I recently turned down a guy I was otherwise attracted to partly because he was coming on too strong, lathering me with compliments and so on. I still have mixed feelings about it, but I just can't trust a guy who comes on too strong and too fast.

 

My ex did the same thing, and as a result, aggressive fast courtships, saying the L word too soon, excessive flattery now just inspire distrust in me.

[lofi_tokyo]

EXCEPT, I'm a fan of slow growing romance. Before my ex, I was always friends with the guys I knew before feeling any strong sense of attraction to them. I enjoy noticing the butterflies, the uncertainty.

 

Me too Kamille, me too!

 

I just got out of a relationship, so my situation is a bit different, but I've already gone on so many first dates, and had so many randoms hit on me or ask me out and I'm just not interested!

 

I think my way of falling for a guy is getting to know him first, and yeah, just building up those butterflies!! Its absolutely no fun if a guy just asks me out, if he just moves straight into dating. Not my style!

 

So, I don't think you're being picky one bit! Theres nothing wrong with wanting that slow buildup! The only problem is it can be kind of hard to like... come across! It seems so many people are just ready to jump into things, and very few guys I run into are really willing to take it slowwww. But we'll see, I know theres a great, slow moving, butterfly feeling guy out there for each of us!

[ed-205]

You aren't picky, you just know what you want and are willing to wait for it.

 

I am the very definition of *picky*, because there's NO WAY that I would ask a woman for a date if I thought she would stoop low enough to go out with a guy like me!

[Terminator]

You aren't picky, you just know what you want and are willing to wait for it.

 

I am the very definition of *picky*, because there's NO WAY that I would ask a woman for a date if I thought she would stoop low enough to go out with a guy like me!

 

LOL, spend a lot of time alone do you?

[Nemo]

I am the very definition of *picky*, because there's NO WAY that I would ask a woman for a date if I thought she would stoop low enough to go out with a guy like me!

:lmao:

 

Self-respect is definitely overrated.

[marlena]

Hi Kamille,

 

I wish I had an answer for you but unfortunately I have been going through something similar. When I was out furiously dating, oh, let's say three, four years ago, I couldn't find a man who combined all the qualities I needed to take that huge leap of faith. There were many men who wanted a relationship with me but I would always find them lacking somehow. Perhaps my expectations were too high. Settling was of the question and so eventually I got so fed up and exhausted that I stopped dating completely. I am no longer willing to kiss a million frogs to find what I am looking for. In fact, I have stopped searching. My thinking today is if it is to happen, it will of it's own accord without any coaxing from me.

 

Interestingly enough, back then, a friend of mine, an old dear friend who knows me well, told me that she felt that I was rejecting each and every prospect because deep down at some undefined level I didn't really want a relationship and all that it entails because I liked and enjoyed my freedom. I would vehemently deny that it was true because I did really believe that I wanted to be in a committed relationship. Today, a year after not dating at all, I think she may have been right. At any rate, I am not stressing over it. If it is to happen, it will. If not, that's just fine, too. Actually, I would probably be best in a relationship where we both maintain separate homes.

 

I am not saying this is true of you. All I am saying is that perhaps a break might help clear up the picture for you.

[Kamille]

Thanks for the replies everyone. It's nice to hear I'm not the only one who struggles with the quick come ons.

 

I used to never date men unless I already felt a strong attraction to them and decided to change attitude a few years ago. Maybe I should get back on the earlier program.

 

At the same time, three of those guys are complete strangers, and like I said, it's very rare for me to feel attraction to complete strangers - so I thought of the dates as ways to get to know them. Who knows, maybe one of those dates could have been a smashing hit.

 

Marlena, I do wonder if I want a relationship. I'm not unhappy on my own and in a lot of ways I think part of the reasons I freaked out on guys 1 and 2 is because a part of them just seemed too vulnerable. I'm not saying that ultimately I want to date a tough guy, but I would like to date someone who at least seems to be comfortable in his skin.

 

Guy number 1 is back on the scene and asked me out again. I thought refusing a date and not offering to reschedule would be a clear enough point that I'm not interested, but I guess not. I guess I will have to meet him and tell him I'm not interested (I have a slew of great excuses so that his ego won't get too too hurt.) Or is there any other way to handle this, short of his ignoring his phone messages?

[Yamaha]

Yes. Tell him it's not him but you. Tell him he's the right guy but it's the wrong time. Tell him he's a really nice guy and there are many women just looking for a guy like him.

 

 

Great womenese talk......:lmao:

[Kamille]

Yes. Tell him it's not him but you. Tell him he's the right guy but it's the wrong time. Tell him he's a really nice guy and there are many women just looking for a guy like him.

 

 

Great womenese talk......:lmao:

 

How about:

 

It's not you. I'm moving away in two weeks. The timing is wrong and my priority isn't finding a relationship right now.

[Nemo]

I used to never date men

Wow, that's what I call coming out of the closet! It's not that unusual that as you mature, your sexual tastes change. However, I have always been, and will always be, the gayest in my village.

[Kamille]

Wow, that's what I call coming out of the closet! It's not that unusual that as you mature, your sexual tastes change. However, I have always been, and will always be, the gayest in my village.

 

I remember naively thinking at one point that my life would be easier if only I was homosexual. Then I realized I would be dating women!

[monkey00]

 

Guy number 1 is back on the scene and asked me out again. I thought refusing a date and not offering to reschedule would be a clear enough point that I'm not interested, but I guess not. I guess I will have to meet him and tell him I'm not interested (I have a slew of great excuses so that his ego won't get too too hurt.) Or is there any other way to handle this, short of his ignoring his phone messages?

 

I say ignore him..usually it works for me and I get the picture.

 

Anyway I think it's pretty common among women with guys that come on too strong in the beginning or give too many compliments...sets off some kind of defense mechanism. I think it exists in everyone, that if you're too nice/eager that you want something in return, and in women that sets off an alarm that 'it' would be sex, and that they're being too needy. Then of course in most cases both genders look for a healthy balance in courtship.

 

Is it possible that all the guys you listed, you just weren't that into? I think in most cases, if someone has 80-90% interest in someone..there's often little they can do or say to screw things up.

[orangehose]

Okay, I used to believe all the 'it's not you, it's ME' was just BS and 'womanese' , as another poster called it, but honestly, there ARE situations in which you're attracted to someone but don't want to act on it or accept a date, because logic overrides the attraction (example: the dude is your ex's best friend).

 

I don't know why guys find this so hard to believe. I just went through a situation or two like this myself and agonized over it.

[Goss]

give last two guys a shot. You may learn that you like something that you never thought you would.

[ed-205]

Okay, I used to believe all the 'it's not you, it's ME' was just BS and 'womanese' , as another poster called it, but honestly, there ARE situations in which you're attracted to someone but don't want to act on it or accept a date, because logic overrides the attraction (example: the dude is your ex's best friend).

 

I don't know why guys find this so hard to believe. I just went through a situation or two like this myself and agonized over it.

 

It's not just a *womanese* thing, either. For a variety of reasons, I simply don't want to have another relationship, even if I meet a woman I'm attracted to. Sometimes, it's kind of embarrassing when I meet someone who would otherwise be "Mrs. Perfect", and even *I* think I'm nuts for not asking her out, but I'm simply not interested. It's definitely a "me" issue, and not the woman's fault.

[Miranda1]

Thanks, narcissism is what I do best.

 

 

 

 

That's how I feel most of the time. I'm just wondering what's going on with guys coming on strong either on the first date or pre-first date.

 

I'm thinking they've all heard of the friendzone and it's their way to try and avoid it.

 

EXCEPT, I'm a fan of slow growing romance. Before my ex, I was always friends with the guys I knew before feeling any strong sense of attraction to them. I enjoy noticing the butterflies, the uncertainty. Could be I read way too many Jane Austen novels as a kid. But still. What's wrong with getting to know somebody before launching in for the kiss or the I like you speeches?

 

 

I'm exactly the same way - I love those Jane Austen romances, as well!

I watched Pride & Prejudice nearly every night with my mum when I was 16, and I thought that's the way you act around guys - call them every name under the sun, like Lizzy did with Darcy! Haha...Jane Austen has a lot to answer for, with our little romantic fantasies! P&P was a really long novel, and it was amazing that Darcy hung around long enough for Lizzy to change her mind about him! But in real life, Jane Austen turned down a man who wanted to marry her, and she remained unmarried. So, no real-life Mr Darcy for Jane Austen, unfortunately...I'll probably be an old maid, too, the way I'm going!

[Green]

I'm exactly the same way - I love those Jane Austen romances, as well!

I watched Pride & Prejudice nearly every night with my mum when I was 16, and I thought that's the way you act around guys - call them every name under the sun, like Lizzy did with Darcy! Haha...Jane Austen has a lot to answer for, with our little romantic fantasies! P&P was a really long novel, and it was amazing that Darcy hung around long enough for Lizzy to change her mind about him! But in real life, Jane Austen turned down a man who wanted to marry her, and she remained unmarried. So, no real-life Mr Darcy for Jane Austen, unfortunately...I'll probably be an old maid, too, the way I'm going!

 

Why don't you come to the United States

[Miranda1]

Why don't you come to the United States

 

I'm actually going to apply for a Student Exchange program next year, and my heart was set on studying in the UK (probably because of Jane Austen, again!). But the program co-ordinator was trying to encourage me to apply for an exchange at a US university, because he could "guarantee" me a place...I don't know, with my luck, there's probably a man drought in the UK and US, as well!