Marrying an older man: am I going to feel I have missed out by marrying so young?

[Ms Understood]

I'm due to be married in two weeks to a caring, loving extremely supportive man who I love dearly. We have been together for three years, but since the wedding date is starting to come forward, I have been getting cold feet.

 

We met when i was 16. I am now 19 years old and Jon is 37. I love him dearly and until now I have never had any doubts that we should be together. My friends all say what a good thing i'm onto and that I have a good meal ticket with him. Jon is a millionaire and due to buy a construction comany as well as the company he already runs. In a way, i feel so inadequate as a wife for him. I work as a debt collector for a credit card company and don't earn a lot and in a way we survive on what he earns as I'm on such a small amount.

 

But i don't want him for this. i can't understand why i have suddently become so unhappy with my life, I live in a beautiful house wear designer clothes and for my 19th birthday I was given a Jaguar X type. Am I being selfish? I just feel like I don't need all that I have. I love him for him and would do anyhting for him, but it just seems he won't have the time for me.

 

My family love him, but all they see is how much money he has not how caring he is. they seem to think as long as he has money i will be happy. In a way, i wish he would just quit and be with me. How can I explain this when i can't understand it myself? I should be so happy but deep down in a way I think i am marrying him for the security that marriage to him will provide. I will never want for anything and don't even have to work.

 

I feel like I'd be giving up my life for him. I am so confused and I can't talk to anyone. I know deep down he is the one for me and I love him deeply. But am I going to feel I have missed out by marrying so young? Please help me as I don't know who else to turn to.

 

All replies appreciated.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "I feel like I'd be giving up my life for him. I am so confused and I can't talk to anyone."

 

Oh, not only can you but you better talk to someone....YOUR FIANCE!!! If you can't communicate with him, you're darn right you shouldn't marry him. You need to let him know exactly how you feel about all this and you need to do it right away. That way the two of you can discuss matters and hopefully iron things out. You are extremely young, much younger than most when they get married.

 

I personally feel that if a person has any doubts about marriage, they should not do it. And, you have to remember, that because of your age you will be growing and maturing over the years and a lot about you will change. Talk to your fiance, get some counselling if you need it...that may be your best idea - seeing a qualified counsellor - and get all your doubts settled. Don't let other people tell you what to do.

 

I'd hate to be in your position. If you don't marry this guy now, when you're 35 you'll spend thousands on private detectives trying to find him. If you were that age now, you would probably pounce all over him with no doubts at all. Right now, your age and life experiences are working against you.

 

Everything works out eventually. Good luck! And may I borrow your Jag sometime?

[steffany]

I think it is vital that both people want the marriage for the same reasons. Of course I think it only natural to gat anxcious and nervouse.

 

My bf is 37 also owns his own business and is well off...I am 25 and they still don't like the age difference. And that bothers me. So I don't think I would consider marraige with my man until I can be happy with my family's veiws. I'm old fashiond and the whole screw what your parents think it's your life veiw doesn't fly with me.

 

And although your situation is completely oppisite I think it is still simular. In that you and your family and especially your sweety need to see this in the same light. You need to marry him for love and he needs to marry you for love and your family should feel happy you two have found love. Talk to your hunny and discuss how you feel; even about how you feel about how your family feels.

 

If you can't talk to him about this it isn't a good sign for a lasting marraige.

[HokeyReligions]

Hind sight being 20/20 and all - let me ask you if you have a pre-nup?

 

There is an old saying about marriage; "first time for love, second time for money" and you've got the opportunity for the "2nd time" now. If I ever found myself single and looking to get married again, it would most definitely be for money! You've got it great if you love the guy and he loves you!

 

After having struggled (& still struggling) with finances - even being homeless for a while - I say marry him. You are young, if it doesn't work out at least you won't have to worry about money - you can be fair in the divorce settlement and still come out with financial security.

 

Or, you might get over your fears and be happier then you ever imagined.

 

Either way you get a little financial security & believe that is very important. The straw-filled backseat of a 1973 VW Bug is not a comfortable bed. I can attest to that personally.

[CaterpillarGirl]

If I were you, I would sit down and do some soul-searching. The first thing would be to ask yourself, money aside, why are you marrying this man? Hopefully, it is because you love him. Yes, security is wonderful, but that's really not enough.

 

Secondly, ask yourself what are some of the goals that you have? What will it take to accomplish those goals? You mention that he could financially support you. Have you thought about going to college, opening a business, etc.? If you have a pursuit that inspires you, as it seems he does, this will help with those times when he's busy. Tell your fiance about these dreams or plans. See what his reaction is. Ideally, he's going to be interested and supportive of your ambition.

 

People often say marriage is a 50/50 partnership. To some extent this is true. However, sometimes it will be an 80/20 or 20/80 (that's why they throw in that for better or worse part). You should be prepared to deal with these situations. Does it bother him, or just you, that he makes more money than you? You definitely need to discuss this with him. You say that you feel you'd make an inadequate wife. Why? Because of your earnings? Tell him these fears.

 

Good luck to you!

[jalexy]

i just want to know what the hell a dude that is 37 wants with a 19 year old?!?

[Tony T]

jalexy WRITES: "i just want to know what the hell a dude that is 37 wants with a 19 year old?!?"

 

I don't think you would have to make too many guesses to come up with the right answer.

[Ms Understood]

Thanks for all your "Help". i say that because reading your replies you all seem to think he is after a trophy wife because he is older and I'm younger. So much for this website being any help. i thought the point of giving advice was being able to see things from all angles, and not let age race or gender affect the advice you give. This should go for personal situations as well

 

In case you are interested we have talked things over and I am going through it because I love him and want to be with him. I'm going to go to college and train in beauty therapy and hairdressing and maybe open my own business. And if you all ready my first post correctly you would see I'd prefer it if he didn't have any money because thats all anybody seems to think I'm with him for which is upsetting because i truly love him

[Tony T]

Well, it seems like you took the advice I gave you in my first post above and talked to him. That was very good...and something you should have done long ago and something you should continue to do all your days. I also read your original post above and I still think the two of you have lots to resolve before you get married. I would hope you would consider counselling. Your original post indicates there is a lot you aren't real happy with here. I personally think you got some excellent advice here. Did you even read it?

 

YOU WRITE: "i say that because reading your replies you all seem to think he is after a trophy wife because he is older and I'm younger."

 

I don't think so. I didn't read that into but possibly one reply. Again, I don't think you took the time to read each reply. There is only one reply that by stretching it out very broadly you could have gotten that impression. However, that you got this out of our posts for some reason is a good indication that this possiblity may be bothering you subconsciously.

 

In any case, your age differences don't mean a lot now but later on when you are still young and vibrant and he's mostly doctoring is aches and pains, you may find this to be a bit annoying. At that time, I think the money will hopefully take some of the edge off. Be sure to save some for that time.

 

I truly wish you luck. I want this to work for you. The tone of your post directly above does not sound like it comes from somebody who is real sure of what she is about to do. Way too defensive!

 

And, by the way, the point of giving advice is giving advice. Each person gives advice from his own angle, his own perspective and the person seeking advice accepts what he or she wishes based on his or her feelings. The problem here is you only want to see advice from YOUR angle. And where did anybody say anything about race or gender...although the genders of two parties is an important consideration when it comes to marriage?

[Ms Understood]

We are due to be married in a week, and the other night we talked all night and even went to work! We sorted out exactly what we both wanted from our marriage, we sat down together and made a list and ticked off what we could and couldn't do.

 

We both want love and security that marriage brings. We both want children. One thing we did fall out about was I don't want him to buy another business, because how could a marriage work if he is working all hours, and I don't want any children we have wondering where their dad is all the time

 

He wanted me to give up work and be a stay at home wife but he realised I am too independent for that and plus, despite what everyone thinks his money is irrelevant, although it is a very nice bonus. We are going ahead with the wedding and I am sure about it now. I am very happy. I do appreciate everyones advice, even if i didn't take it to heart. Is what we did right? Do you think we could be happy now?

[Tony T]

1. "Is what we did right?"

 

Yes, communication on a continuing basis is essential to a relationship. I'm glad you decided to start doing that less than two weeks before your marriage. It's never too late to start a good habit.

 

2. "Do you think we could be happy now?"

 

I think anybody can be happy anytime if they make the decison to be so. However, this is a very odd question coming from somebody who wrote the original post above (please scroll to the top of this thread and read it again for yourself) and who is hell bent on getting marriage in just over a week. I think it would be much sweeter if you could say "We are going to be a very happy couple."

[Ms Understood]

You're right!

 

WE ARE GOING TO BE VERY HAPPY NOW!!

 

And I feel happier being able to say it knowing its definitely true! If it doesn't work out, (it will though) everyone has permission to say I told you so!

 

Thanks Tony, you're very sweet

[moimeme]

It sounds like you have a terrific guy - he listened to you. He heard that you wanted to be independent and agreed without a fight. One of the problems with inexperience is that you may not recognize a good thing when you have it because you haven't been around long enough to find out how many bad things there are out there.

 

If you're asking if you've got a good guy - it sure sounds like it. A lot of people would LOVE a man like yours. You were able to negotiate for both your needs together - you wouldn't believe how rare that can be in relationships. You say he is loving and more. So let me quell your doubts; you are unlikely to find many more men like him; you truly do have a treasure and you should thank your lucky stars you found each other. As the years go by and you see others and how their relationships play out, you'll realize this more and more.

 

The very best of luck to you both.

 

By the way, to everyone who goes on and on about age and who might get sick or die first; don't be ridiculous. Life does strange things. My perfectly wonderful healthy father-in-law died in a car crash at age 50. My ex's grandmother has outlived her own daughter and is 103; her husband was quite a bit older than her but died forty years ago. NEVER make a marriage decision based on some thought that the older of you may become ill or die first.