wife is seein someone else

[confused71]

Hi.Here has whats been happening to me.Me and my wife of nearly 5 years moved from the uk to canada about 20 months ago.She has 2 kids from a previous relationship who I love as my own.She came here for a new job which is pretty well paid while I have struggled to fit in as well and my job is not that great.We have had a few ups and downs since moving here.(the eldest child went a bit off the rails and had tom return to england to live with her dad).Anyway ,a few months ago she started acting strange and going out to clubs with some new work friends (she is 38) she would come home angry with me and sleep in the spair room.I would keep asking what was wrong but she would say 'nothing'.Ome night she came home late and i begged her to tell me and she dropped the bombshell that she didnt want to be married to me any more.I was devastated and pleaded for her to give me a chance.She said she had made her mind up .I said was there anyone else and she promised me there wasnt.

She said she i was to blame because she was paying most of the bills and was forever getting me out of debt and that i should take up 2 jobs to help out.I told her I was trying my hardest and that it was difficult to get 2 jobs as i was looking after our youngest while she was at work (she works irregular 12 hour shifts)

A week ago in the car she recieved a cell phone call and I could hear a male voice talking.I asked who it was and she said Just a friend.He then called her back 10 minutes later and I could tell by the way they were talking he was more than that.I asked again and she said 'not in front of the child' .she later admitting to seeing someone else.

Even more devastated.

She is saying I should still stay with her and live in the house and we can still be friends.I said I would forgive her If she would stop seeing this guy.She has refused.I partly blame myself ,Ihave lost a lot of my confidence since coming to canada and started to drink a bit too regurlaly.But I have completely stopped drinking for her and said I would do anything.

She says no and that I can either stay or leave but she still wants me to look after her daughter while she is at work (or for all i know out with her boyfriend)

I dont know what to do.I love her and want her back but feel so betrayed and she says she doesnt want to be married to me anyway.If I move out I will be In a grotty basement suite on my own.I dont really have any friends out here and i cant go back to the uk either because we have a mortgage and joint debts here.what should I do.

[Konfuzion]

Oh boy she wants her cake and wants to eat it too... Must be nice. So I would highly recommend you buy this book and follow the advice within Love Must be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis (From amazon I always buy the used books and I picked up my copy of this book for $2.95)

 

So the best way to handle this situation is to move out, stop talking to her, and do not watch her children for her, and don't support her in any way shape or form, the new man can take all that on. I know this will be kinda hard to swallow but if you really are interested in a second chance with her that is what you need to do. The begging and pleading that you mentioned you have tried will only push her further from you and closer to the other man. You should also work on bettering yourself but do it for you and not for her. If for some reason you do have to talk to her keep it short and on topic, don't talk about anything personal and don't talk about the two of you. I hope this is helpful to you, best of luck to you.

[confused71]

Oh boy she wants her cake and wants to eat it too... Must be nice. So I would highly recommend you buy this book and follow the advice within Love Must be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis (From amazon I always buy the used books and I picked up my copy of this book for $2.95)

 

So the best way to handle this situation is to move out, stop talking to her, and do not watch her children for her, and don't support her in any way shape or form, the new man can take all that on. I know this will be kinda hard to swallow but if you really are interested in a second chance with her that is what you need to do. The begging and pleading that you mentioned you have tried will only push her further from you and closer to the other man. You should also work on bettering yourself but do it for you and not for her. If for some reason you do have to talk to her keep it short and on topic, don't talk about anything personal and don't talk about the two of you. I hope this is helpful to you, best of luck to you.

 

Thanks for the advice mate.I know I should stop talking to her and should of run miles away.Im just lacking in that self confidence and feel that she will laugh in my face if I try and act tough.Like I said before I love her kids as my own and dont want to upset them by abandoning them .That said she may eventualy stop me from seeing them as I am not their dad.

I take a lot of the blame for her going off with someone else but she says its beyond repair.My emotions are going between distraught and angry all the time.

[Konfuzion]

You need to keep your emotions to yourself and act cold and complacent around her, that is if you do want to stand a chance at winning her back. And yes its quite apparent that she thinks she can just walk all over you, since she doesn't even have the courtesy to ignore a call from the other man while you are in the car with her. Its time for you to take control back. Please follow the above advice for your own good. Its time to find your confidence

Good luck!

[ed-205]

Konfuzion is 100% right. There is no going back to the way things were, there is only the chance to start over again from the beginning, and the only way to get to that point is to be completely done with her in this relationship. The very worst you could do is find someone who will treat you better.

I understand how you feel about the kids because I've beet there myself, but the plain fact is they are NOT YOUR kids! You have no choice but to let them go, as much as I know it hurts. Do NOT let her control you through them.

 

Good luck to you.

[TrustInYourself]

You want her back? Regain your self respect. Tell her to f-off and move out. You love the kids, I understand, but it's not on you. Best of luck.

[pelicanpreacher]

Your shrewish wife makes more money than you so she sees herself as a financial asset to the marriage while your low paying job and overhead costs as liabilities to the marriage. She has been empowered by her confidence and ability to attract the attention of other men while she saw your drinking, depression, disorganization, and general lack of self-confidence as unattractive and has determined that you are unsuitable for her goals and station in life. She has stipulated in no uncertain terms that your status in the household has been demoted from husband to cuckold and manservant until such time as she has firmly established a relationship with another man with promise for the future. When and if that time arrives you will discarded as you are completely dispensible to her now.

 

Your first move is to seek legal advice as to what your current and future financial obligations will be should you divorce. I would also advise that you investigate schooling as a means to retool yourself to improve your earning potential so that you can sustain yourself financially should you find yourself on your own. I would also suggest that you have her remove your name from any joint credit accounts and have her refinance the mortgage into her own name so that if you should divorce then hopefully you can walk out of the marriage carrying as little of the debt accrued during the marriage as possible. Lastly, you should secure other arrangements to have her child looked after so that your time is free to pursue the self-improvement plans outlined for you. Sell her on the notions discussed by informing her that by taking these steps you will be better able to contribute to the household expenses in the future if all she wants from you is a paying roommate.

[In Like Flynn]

She wants you to be a baby sitter for a kid that is not even yours....while she works and then sleeps with OM!!!

 

After what she said.....it looks like the marriage is done!! Sorry but by yur post it sounded like she is gone already and doesn't care how it effects you. I don't know what you financial situation is but I would leave and make her pay for day care and not enable the affair by watching the kid.

 

If you can't move financially....well you are stuck. Then stay and babjy sit but pay for nothing else. Make her pay all the bills(it sounds like she already does) but give nothing to help. Save up the money then leave when you can.

[confused71]

Thanks for all the advice.I know deep down that all you guys are right and I have to sort myself out.I know its gonna be hard especially as Ive only been here in canada a while.Will keep you posted on what happens.

[confused71]

oh yeah.I forgot to say that I would have been able to earn more money if i didnt have to come home early from work or take days off to look after the child.Plus I paid what I could from my wages towards the mortgage(1200 bucks a month)which left me with not a lot.I paid for a lot of groceries as well.Plus she made some decisions that I told her were going to cause us financial trouble (she bought a car with expensive repayments)but she ignored me but now blames me for having to work so much.The stupid thing is she is probably gonna have to work even more now without my contribution.(she claims she will never move the om into the house ,likely story)

[confused71]

Ok .so i am trying with the cold no emotion thing.If she asks me a question I try and stick to yes and no answers.Trouble is ,she is the master of the not talking thing.I am practically a prisoner in the spair room.Its gonna take at least a couple of months to save up and move out.I felt realy ill at work today ,emotions going wildly between anger and deep despair.I want to tell her to **** off and that I hate her.But i still love her (what a loser).

She has started that thing that she always used to do when we had arguments and that is to be ultra nice to the daughter.Talking in a stupid cheery voice and lettin her have anything she wants.Whenever she used to do this in the past the kids practically used to completley ignore me .Like i was the evil stepdad or something.

The wife also cooked her dinner (i normally do most of the cooking).

I still feel completely messed up at the moment.Hope things get better soon.

[pelicanpreacher]

Stay the course and begin detaching yourself emotionally from this toxic marriage. The children are her children alone and, even though it pains you, you must begin your detachment of them as well. You must get yourself into school, if even on a part-time basis, to put youself into a career that will comfortably sustain you on your own so get cracking with it. Buy time to remain in the marriage until you've met your goals so that you can take wing and fly when the timing's right. Patience with a plan is what will serve you best for if you fail to plan then plan to fail!

[confused71]

:(Things started off ok yesterday(got a pay rise at work) but went rapidly down hill from there.Still feel ill all day at work and feel like I will burst into tears at any moment.Trying to act cool in front of the wife but it aint working as i said before she is the master at that sort of thing.

Suspicious brown envelope arrived in the post for the wife.Googled the adress on it and it was from one of those online divorce places.Felt physically sick.Actually took the letter with me to work this morning planning on destroying it ,i havent even got the energy to do that so bought it back and will give it to her tommorrow.Cant take much more of this.Found her cellphone bill and rang a number on it who I suspected of being the OM .It was definatly him.(recognised the voice from when he rang the wife in the car)Wanted to ask him If he knew he was contributing to a marriage break up.Couldnt do it and put down the phone.

Got home from work today and no one was there .Was expecting to look after the daughter tonight as I new the wife was going out.Rang her to ask what was going on and she had taken the child to her friends house instead of leaving her with me.Feels like she is deliberatly trying to hurt me now.Why do I still love this nasty piece of work.

[confused71]

The hardest part is not really having anyone to talk to about all this.Since moving to canada I havent really bothered to make my own friends (only people that my wife knows from work .Other brits) Couldnt mention it to anyone at work because everyone would know within minutes.I normally speak to my parents every week back in the Uk but I cant say nothing to them yet as they would be worried sick>

[Konfuzion]

Move back to the UK, phone your family up for support and leave your ex to figure out what to do.

 

Right now you are doing exactly what she wants you to do, spy on her call the OM, and check on her and where the child is. Really you are 100% better off without her.

[pelicanpreacher]

This sudden turn of events makes me suspicious. Does your wife have the savvy to research your online activities? If so she may be reading your posts and is taking a pre-emptive stance on outmanuvering you in her effort to nail you to a cross when she divorces you. She has definately moved on in her emotional transition to a single life status and is beyond indifferent to your feelings or pain. I also suspect that any financial shortfall that you think she might experience has already been accounted for with the income her OM is slated to bring in when she moves him into your abode.

 

You have just entered into the mean season so now everyone is fair game. She does not see you as a father to her children so she has no compunction about using your empathy for them to manipulate you into doing what she wants when she wants. You need to setup a seperate bank account for yourself immediately and begin socking your paychecks away because you'll need it. You must immediately search out seperate lodging arrangements and speak with a bankruptcy attorney to liquidate your liabilities in this marriage asap! Although your bankruptcy will ruin your credit, it will also very negatively reflect upon her credit for any joint holdings you have with her as well! Since she doesn't care whether she harms you in her actions then you may as well reciprocate the demeanor of her actions in kind.

 

If she thought she had something to complain about before then the longterm effects of taking the actions I've outlined will really give her a reason for the "mule-face" look she'll get on her mug when she finds out just how badly she got scr#wed!

[confused71]

Move back to the UK, phone your family up for support and leave your ex to figure out what to do.

 

 

I did think about moving back but its not really an option.The recession in the uk would mean I would struggle to get a job.I would be a 37 year old living with my parents,and england is just a dump now with crime and cost of living skyrocketing.I would feel like a complete failiure moving back and facing everyone.Plus I had a mix up with some tax I owed before leaving and would be in debt as soon as I reached there.

I do prefer it here but thinking about being on my own worries me.

[confused71]

ok.She is trying to get me to sign this mutually agreed divorce form she sent off for.I have given up on the fight and asking her to reconsider even though I truly love her and want her back.

We had an argument and she basically admitted that the OM has more or less got her to rewrite our marriage history in her mind like I was some terrible abusive husband.

Should I be signing this form though baring in mind she cheated on me?I dont really want any long legal battle (dont have the money for it anyway) .What I have paid into the mortgage (1200 amonth for the last year) I probably wont see any of because i think the house is now worth less than when we bought it a year ago.It just doesnt seem right to sign it though.

Still on a rollercoaster and feel tired and ill most of the time.The stepdaughter seems to be doing ok though I think she knows whats going on and she says 'i love you daddy ' alot .But then some days she kind of ignores me.

I still want to see the kid but I dont want to be made a fool of.

[dannydrifter]

I take a lot of the blame for her going off with someone else but she says its beyond repair.My emotions are going between distraught and angry all the time.

 

No, don't blame yourself for this. She crossed the line and betrayed your marriage vows. A wife isn't supposed to commit adultery or have affairs with other men. Plain and simple. But now that she did, she is pretty well in another dimension mentally. She is going to treat you like you don't exist, and the pain will be unbearable at times. It's a bloody shame when a spouse cheats. Hang in there my friend.

[pelicanpreacher]

You need to seek out free legal aid centers in your area to find out what your rights are. Signing a blank document or contract you don't fully understand can have some serious legal repercussions so be careful putting anything in writing right now.

 

As to her rush to get divorced I'm suspecting that something has created urgency in her personal situation that requires immediate action on her part. She may be pregnant with this OM's child for all you know so keep your eyes and mind open to any possibilities as to the motivation for her actions!

[confused71]

Thanks for all the help guys.I would have gone mental by now if it wasnt for finding this forum.

[confused71]

 

As to her rush to get divorced I'm suspecting that something has created urgency in her personal situation that requires immediate action on her part. She may be pregnant with this OM's child for all you know so keep your eyes and mind open to any possibilities as to the motivation for her actions!

 

She has been sterilized .But to add to the mystery I found something she printed off of the computer yesterday for a place that reverses the sterilisaton.(i may be jumping to conclusions.She could have printed it off for someone else)This confused and hurt me even more (got to stop snooping around but cant help it) We only ever joked around about her having another child .It never bothered me because as I said I treated hers like my own.I even offered to try for a kid when she mentioned divorce and she more or less laughed at me.

Has she gone mental or is the OM so great she wants kids with him .WTF this gets worse by the second.

[dozer4444]

hey man, listen if you want to be cold with all that do that. Her seeing the other person must really suck. You feel trapped and lonely and I know you must feel like the biggest loser. She does not like who shes with (you). Making her not like you more and more is not going to help the situation. If you really think there is no chance then move on. By all means dont be a dick at home, it only validates her actions. Be f....ing nice a pie to her and you'll see how she changes. I know her being with someone else kills you, but try to understand women..they sometimes will not shut that door completely. Im having my own problems and tried everything under the sun like being mean and cold and passive aggressive. Just be nice civil and youll see the change. try try ..I know you want to tell her to f ...offf but this is your last chance what do you have to lose.

[confused71]

I can honestly say this has been the worst months of my life.So throughout october,i have been on a rollercoaster.She gets angry if I try to talk to her about things.I am still in the house but will be moving out december the 1st.We go from getting on ok to her saying she hates me.I have been nice to her (basically doing everything for her) but this makes me feel used.we had an ok week last week(strangely we had sex once,even more confusing) but then she blatantly goes out for a night with the other man and i blow my top.She just doesnt seem to care about any hurt she is causing.She expected me to carry on looking after her daughter when I move out while she is at work.I wanted to say yes because she will probably limit contact now.She is getting a live in nanny now for when i am gone.She treats me so bad but the minute I try and stand up for myself she wont even talk to me.I hate myself for still loving her.Building up to a sad and lonely christmas(no friends or family out here)plus our 5 year aniversary is soon.Dont see any light at the end of the tunnel.

[SingleDad]

You don't have much of a chance to reconcile if she admittedly has a boyfriend and a husband. Fight with her and she has good reason to leave for greener pastures. Love her and and you support her affair and "having cake and eating it too". Read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. William Harley and "Divorce Remedy" by Michelle Weiner-Davis (Last Resort Technique)