wife is seein someone else

[Owl]

This is actually pretty typical.

 

NC rarely takes the first time it's started. She's probably going to go back and forth with this.

 

If you're done...that's fine. Nothing at all wrong with that choice. File for divorce, and end the marriage.

 

If you're NOT done...then set a rock solid boundary with her. And...I'd suggest you consider 'plan B'.

 

That means you break off ANY and ALL contact with her. Set her clear on what it will take for her to become part of your life again. End the affair, NC with OM for life, marriage counseling, etc...

 

Give that to her in a "plan B letter"...and walk away and refuse any further contact with her until she meets those conditions set in the letter...or until you're completely done with her, and are ready to end the marriage yourself.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but what's happened is a normal setback in this kind of situation. You can deal with it if you choose to...or not, if that's your choice.

 

That's the thing...this is all about YOUR choices now...not hers.

[confused71]

So heres an update on my situation.

So basically my wife has been changing her mind frequently as to whether she wants to be with me.For the last month she tells me she has stopped seeing OM only for me to find out she still is.(i think they have an argument or something and then he talks her back round)

 

She had an appointment about sterilisation reversal and was told the best thing for her would be to have IVF.

Now I told her at the beggining of our breakup that I would have a child with her if she wanted.So she decided she wanted to do this over the last couple of months.She started wearing her wedding rings again and wanted me to wear mine.

So I was spending more and more time at the house and she wanted me to spend christmas there.(she worked christmas eve and christmas night)We slept in the same bed a few times and she would let me cuddle her.But gradually she started acting cold again on xmas day and wouldnt let me come near her again.

So boxing night I tried to cuddle her again and she said not too.I asked if there was a problem,was she still in contact with OM.She eventually said yes so I left in the middle of the night.

That morning I get a text saying she wants me to come home for good and she wants me back.

Then by lunchtime she texts me again to say we should spend time apart???

 

I said ok as long as time apart doesnt mean time with OM.

So last night I find out that she dumped off the daughter again round a friends house and went off with OM.

I was so angry and said if she doesnt come back we are completely finished.(I even phoned OM and he seemed to think it was funny that he is helping break up a family)

Of course she didnt come back.

So she texted me this morning to say we are completely finished and If I ever try to ask her daughter about her she will stop me from seeing the child.

So basically my Christmas was one big lie.

[paperchase]

I feel like you had her on the ropes and then kinda blew it by calling the other man and giving her an ultimatum. I don't know the history because I didn't read the entire thread, but given her conflicting emotions I think a dose of no contact would have served you well. Jealousy can be really tough when it involves your wife, but you can't let her see you acting jealous. She was on the fence and you pushed her away to the other side.

 

Now don't beat yourself up because this may turn out to be a blessing. A cheating wife is never a good thing. A wife that threatens to use your children as tools is a discrace. My x wife did both of those things. She slept with mutual friends during the separation, maybe before. She joined once couple we knew for a threesome. She occupied our home and held all of our assests for over 2 years through the most bitter divorce you can imagine. She was filthy rich and I was jobless at the time. She fought for sole custody even though I was the primary caregiver at the time and she took me to court for child support when I had no money. We had two kids who are now 4 and turning 6 in January.

 

I loved her so much and would have done anything to stay with her. I was in the dumps for the past 5 years of the marriage but would have never ended it. She ended things and crushed me when I was at an all time low. She actually tried to destroy me through a number of things she did after leaving me. I'll never understand why. The point is that I survived and I am doing better than I ever did with her...professionally and otherwise. (notwithstanding the heartache I'm feeling from my most recent breakup with my new girlfriend)

 

I'd say just give your wife some space and go completely NC except very short business emails regarding the kids (e.g., scheduling visitation or communicating child related issues). Then start dating. Your wife sounds like the jealous type, but don't date to make her jealous. Date so you can experience affection and intimacy again, and for your own self esteem which takes a big blow when you get dumped. This is your best chance for getting her back and for getting yourself back If she ever does want to reconcile, there's no way you can go down that road without some serious marriage counseling.

[confused71]

I feel like you had her on the ropes and then kinda blew it by calling the other man and giving her an ultimatum. I don't know the history because I didn't read the entire thread, but given her conflicting emotions I think a dose of no contact would have served you well. Jealousy can be really tough when it involves your wife, but you can't let her see you acting jealous. She was on the fence and you pushed her away to the other side.

 

Now don't beat yourself up because this may turn out to be a blessing. A cheating wife is never a good thing. A wife that threatens to use your children as tools is a discrace. My x wife did both of those things. She slept with mutual friends during the separation, maybe before. She joined once couple we knew for a threesome. She occupied our home and held all of our assests for over 2 years through the most bitter divorce you can imagine. She was filthy rich and I was jobless at the time. She fought for sole custody even though I was the primary caregiver at the time and she took me to court for child support when I had no money. We had two kids who are now 4 and turning 6 in January.

 

I loved her so much and would have done anything to stay with her. I was in the dumps for the past 5 years of the marriage but would have never ended it. She ended things and crushed me when I was at an all time low. She actually tried to destroy me through a number of things she did after leaving me. I'll never understand why. The point is that I survived and I am doing better than I ever did with her...professionally and otherwise. (notwithstanding the heartache I'm feeling from my most recent breakup with my new girlfriend)

 

I'd say just give your wife some space and go completely NC except very short business emails regarding the kids (e.g., scheduling visitation or communicating child related issues). Then start dating. Your wife sounds like the jealous type, but don't date to make her jealous. Date so you can experience affection and intimacy again, and for your own self esteem which takes a big blow when you get dumped. This is your best chance for getting her back and for getting yourself back If she ever does want to reconcile, there's no way you can go down that road without some serious marriage counseling.

 

Yeah I know I blew it ,but this was the final straw.After her saying she wanted to get back together and talking about us having a child together and then me finding out she was still with OM and probably only wanted me round christmas to babysit (her nanny couldnt do it over xmas)I just went berserk.Definately NC now.Though I am pretty sure I should never take her back now.But NC will help.Only trouble is,like I mentioned before,I have only been in canada a couple of years and only know people I have met through her.(many of whom seem to have taken her side) Not many friends and no family out here.Its gonna be a lonely New year.

[confused71]

Felt terrible today.Actually told the boss and a couple of guys at work about the seperation for the first time.On top of everything I have had more responsibilty at work over the last few months and It has been hard to cope.Felt like a bit of a failiure telling them.

I did not try and contact the STBXW but really wanted too.I drove past though and she was out again.( I knew I should have moved further away from her)

I just cant get over how she treated me over christmas.It all seems like it was planned now.I am a complete mess at the moment and cant sleep at all or hardly eat.

[Owl]

At this point...I heartily suggest that you do two things.

 

First...start documenting EVERYTHING in your interactions with your wife in a journal of some kind. List dates/times that she's seeing OM (as you know them), when she leaves your daughter with a sitter to be with him, how your exchanges with her go, etc...

 

Second...get this into the lawyer's hands. At this point...you need to take steps to protect your rights to your child. She has threatened to prevent contact...and that is against the law in many, many places. Talk with your lawyer about what can be done here...and talk with your lawyer about what can be done to prevent your wife from seeing OM with your daughter with her as well.

 

Time to protect yourself and your daughter, my friend.

[confused71]

Thanks Owl.Unfortunately she is not my biological child so I probably have no rights whatsoever.I would love to keep seeing her but if the STBXW is capable of hurting me the way she has,she is capable of stopping access whenever she feels like it.I feel sorry for the kid.

 

This has led me to thinking about her past relationship.Apparently they were together 10 years and never lived in the same house.She always painted him out to be an ogre.

Well she also has an older daughter with him who used to live with us,but she went off the rails and the wife refused to discipline her.I tried my best but was undermined every time.So when the eldest daughter started refusing to come home at nights my wife sent her off to her real dad back in UK.

Now one morning he phoned the house when the wife was at work and had a bit of a chat with me.He actually seemed a pretty decent guy and he basically said the STBXW is a complete liar.

Maybe I should have took notice.

[Owl]

I don't know where you're at, nor the laws where you live. But, if you were in a long term marriage with her, and were raising your step child during that time, you may have some kind of rights here. Again, talk with your lawyer.

[confused71]

Last night was horrible at home alone.After more or less tricking me into going there at christmas I at least expected some contact on new years eve.Nothing.

I made the mistake of texting her to say how upset I was for being abandoned.I couldnt help myself.No reply.

Earlier in the day I left a message for the daughter on MSN to say happy new year.All I got back later was one word.'bye'

[skinman]

Sorry confused71,

 

I feel your pain my friend... I was also alone last night knowing my stbxw and girls were having a party at my old house.... Its tough buddy thinking about how we can be forgotten after so many years together.. I hope the best for you in 2009.... have strength and know that you will come out just fine and be a better man for it...... its hard to think that way myself but as with you we tried to save our marriges... it was them that threw it away !! remember they will have to live with the guilt for what they have done.... we can hold our heads high...

 

best wishes !!

[confused71]

So it looks like this is definately the end of the road:(

Less than a week ago she said she wanted me home and we could work things out.But tonight I have had a string of texts saying how much she hates me,how I ruined her life,how she is repulsed by me and couldnt even hug me,doesnt want to speak to me ever again.

 

This is all because I went a bit crazy on saturday when she went off with OM after saying we would get back together.

 

She says I can still see the stepdaughter but if I ever ask her anything about STBXW she will stop me from seeing her:(

I may as well give her up now.

 

She has apparently even told her family we are breaking up now.(they are all back in UK)

 

I just cant get over the horrible things in the texts.

 

I need to move the last of my stuff out and sort out some financial things.Then I think I will call her family and tell them my side of the story.

I may even call the childs dad back in uk because all the STBXW is doing is dumping her off all the time to go off with OM.

 

Im ashamed that I resorted to begging again at first but then the nasty texts really shocked me.

 

For the minute it feels like a weight off my shoulders .But will probably break down in a couple of hours.

[Gunny376]

rein those horses in my frriend!

 

Anything you say or do!

 

Can and will be used againist you!

 

Be it crimminal court or civial court!

 

Be it England, Austrilian, New Zeland, Canada or the US alll are governed by English common law!

[confused71]

So after all the horrible text messages on new years day hadn't heard anything from STBXW till today.

Basically she sent me a text message telling me to 'come get the last of my stuff from the house' ,ending it with 'hope you are ok' (yeah ,right )

 

Then half an hour later to say a parcel had arrived for me.

 

Then 15 mins later to say 'don't respond then.it is your stuff out in the cold,not mine'

 

I didn't respond to any of them.

 

I am so missing her and the stepdaughter though,I feel like an idiot.

[pelicanpreacher]

The letter or text I would send her would consist of the following:

 

When we first moved to Canada I thought I had someone I could learn, grow, and love with and I thought you did too but now I realize that you somehow feel justified in your perception of superiority even knowing that you made as many or more errors in judgment, be it financial or personal, as I have throughout ouir relationship and therefore have no right to be a pot calling the kettle black. The difference between us is that I know and accept my mistakes in those regards and am vigilant against repeating them in the future which makes me an infinitely better person than you shall ever be. You on the other hand are broken at the core with neither conscience, remorse, compassion, nor morality. You can try walking through this life as a true and utter bi@tch the remainder of your days but I'd advise that you dust off your crystal ball for I see a very lonely life ahead of you and, to quote Prince, "There won't be no water when the fire burns". While you're on your knees crawling about in the mud and muck of your seemingly "Pop Life" I'll skip away unscathed into a future promising wonder, joy, love, and adventure for I've come to speak with many many other women now and all to a "T" have but one phrase to describe you ...

A DUMB BI@TCH WITCH!

 

You need to accept that you are used goods and not fit for return to the shelf so you might want to rethink the high and mighty pedestal upon which you've placed yourself. Cast a more longing eye toward the city dump instead for there be your destiny where you shall hollow out your new abode to plant a sign by the entrance hailing "Home Sweet Home"! Too bad your daughter is stuck with a crappy mother like you but, who knows, maybe she'll grow up smart enough to see you as I and the rest of the world sees you and abandons you to your lonesome just as I have when she's old enough to strike out on her own. I'll pray with all my heart that she finds her way away from your selfish and wicked misery into a life worth living. "Let hope spring eternal" for today is a new day as this be the day the Lord hath made to mark the beginning of the rest of my life and I shall "Praise the Lord for he is my SAVIOR and he is always Good"!

 

Any pot shots YOU respond with are deflected for I shall be protected by the embrace of GOD"s dominion from here on out!

[LakesideDream]

OK confused, are you fed up with being a doormat yet? Everytime I check in with this thread I am amazed at the abuse you allow to be heaped on you. Of course the whining and begging on your part doesen't help either, it encourages your W's behavior, still it's no excuse for the games she's playing.

 

As everyone else has told you the best course of action left to you is to get get on with your life. Jellyfish are not attractive, you are not presenting an attractive alternative to your wife with your wheedling.

 

Somehow the balance of power in todays socitety has shifted way past the middle ground towards females. The ladies are being allowed to make the rules, change them as it pleases them, and push their personal agendas without regret. Beware, it's not getting better any time soon. Walk away wives are all the rage, understand it and roll with the punches. There is no "truth out there" anymore.

[Mountains10]

OK confused, are you fed up with being a doormat yet? Everytime I check in with this thread I am amazed at the abuse you allow to be heaped on you. Of course the whining and begging on your part doesen't help either, it encourages your W's behavior, still it's no excuse for the games she's playing.

 

As everyone else has told you the best course of action left to you is to get get on with your life. Jellyfish are not attractive, you are not presenting an attractive alternative to your wife with your wheedling.

 

Somehow the balance of power in todays socitety has shifted way past the middle ground towards females. The ladies are being allowed to make the rules, change them as it pleases them, and push their personal agendas without regret. Beware, it's not getting better any time soon. Walk away wives are all the rage, understand it and roll with the punches. There is no "truth out there" anymore.

 

I think he just needs to find out for himself. I continued to let myself be a doormat for the last 2.5 months. I realize something though, when NC is established, it allows you to see yourself for who you really are. I mean, even after just 2 or 3 days in NC I feel 10x better than I did being a doormat. No matter how much you want to believe that the person you talk to, text with, email, etc. is the one you married, you are fooled by looks. The person on the inside has changed for the worse and you cannot allow yourself to be dragged down with them, at any cost. Go for the NC and watch and see that you will most likely feel so much better, Lakeside is dead on with this post. Eventually you will grow tired of the doormat syndrome and want to feel better. I wished I had gone to NC the day she moved out, I'd be on top of the world right now had I done it.

[LakesideDream]

I think he just needs to find out for himself. I continued to let myself be a doormat for the last 2.5 months. I realize something though, when NC is established, it allows you to see yourself for who you really are. I mean, even after just 2 or 3 days in NC I feel 10x better than I did being a doormat. No matter how much you want to believe that the person you talk to, text with, email, etc. is the one you married, you are fooled by looks. The person on the inside has changed for the worse and you cannot allow yourself to be dragged down with them, at any cost. Go for the NC and watch and see that you will most likely feel so much better, Lakeside is dead on with this post. Eventually you will grow tired of the doormat syndrome and want to feel better. I wished I had gone to NC the day she moved out, I'd be on top of the world right now had I done it.

 

 

Mountains, There has been a huge shift in the last ten years in Western society. Men are spending large amounts of time and efforts after a break up (wives walking away from LT marriages, usually now) in a "poor poor pitiful me" stage. This was unheard of just 25 years ago. Back then men just put their big boy pants on and forged ahead. They didn't go to support groups, didn't beg, didn't whine, didn't mope around like abandoned puppies. They may have wanted to, but there was no positive reinforcement for doing it, so they didn't. I have often wondered if more people just said "f**k" it, and tried to move on, more relationships might have realistic second chances.

 

If a person (man in this discussion - but works for the gals too) has been wronged, betrayed, cheated on what is the point in an extended period of months or more feeling sorry for yourself? Bitter, betrayed, angry, I can understand. The Poor poor pitiful me stuff I can't understand. My ex had a super long term affair. She decided she "needed space". The affair came to light. She wanted to move on, I didn't want her anymore. I was angry as hell that I had wasted 25 years of my life married to her, given her my effort, love, health, and youth. Bitter? As a tap root. Feeling sorry for myself, and lonely? Certainly. Moping around, whining and crying for months and months, hell no. I didn't have the time or effort to waste. I had to make a living, pay my bills, and figure out how to survive in a brand new situation. "Woulda, coulda, shoulda, and what if's" weren't on the agenda.

 

When the ex gave herself emotionally and sexually to someone else, and I found out about it, I was done. The kids were grown and out. I was over 50, I had no time left to give her. I couldn't afford to beat myself up. What's the point after all is said and done?

[dannydrifter]

Good post LakesideDream, thanks. Can anyone recommend a good book for helping people move on from a divorce or cheating spouse? I read posts like this every now and again and they give me short burst of energy and hope. I'd like to read something in depth dedicated to the topic.

 

I know there are tons of book suggestions throughout this site, but since this is a discussion forum and we are on this topic I thought I would ask.

[Mountains10]

Mountains, There has been a huge shift in the last ten years in Western society. Men are spending large amounts of time and efforts after a break up (wives walking away from LT marriages, usually now) in a "poor poor pitiful me" stage. This was unheard of just 25 years ago. Back then men just put their big boy pants on and forged ahead. They didn't go to support groups, didn't beg, didn't whine, didn't mope around like abandoned puppies. They may have wanted to, but there was no positive reinforcement for doing it, so they didn't. I have often wondered if more people just said "f**k" it, and tried to move on, more relationships might have realistic second chances.

 

If a person (man in this discussion - but works for the gals too) has been wronged, betrayed, cheated on what is the point in an extended period of months or more feeling sorry for yourself? Bitter, betrayed, angry, I can understand. The Poor poor pitiful me stuff I can't understand. My ex had a super long term affair. She decided she "needed space". The affair came to light. She wanted to move on, I didn't want her anymore. I was angry as hell that I had wasted 25 years of my life married to her, given her my effort, love, health, and youth. Bitter? As a tap root. Feeling sorry for myself, and lonely? Certainly. Moping around, whining and crying for months and months, hell no. I didn't have the time or effort to waste. I had to make a living, pay my bills, and figure out how to survive in a brand new situation. "Woulda, coulda, shoulda, and what if's" weren't on the agenda.

 

When the ex gave herself emotionally and sexually to someone else, and I found out about it, I was done. The kids were grown and out. I was over 50, I had no time left to give her. I couldn't afford to beat myself up. What's the point after all is said and done?

 

 

Good point, I only see that now after breaking contact with her, that yeah, my wife gave her emotions and body to another man and I look like a sucker sitting around doing nothing about. I'm with you, I spent a month really upset about and then now I'm more angry, but no point in trying to fix what I didn't break, let's get it over with so we can both move on, whatever direction that may be.

 

Great post about the older times, with good perspective.

[sumdude]

Mountains, There has been a huge shift in the last ten years in Western society. Men are spending large amounts of time and efforts after a break up (wives walking away from LT marriages, usually now) in a "poor poor pitiful me" stage. This was unheard of just 25 years ago. Back then men just put their big boy pants on and forged ahead. They didn't go to support groups, didn't beg, didn't whine, didn't mope around like abandoned puppies. They may have wanted to, but there was no positive reinforcement for doing it, so they didn't. I have often wondered if more people just said "f**k" it, and tried to move on, more relationships might have realistic second chances.

 

 

And ya had to walk to school in the snow for 5 miles uphill... both ways!

 

I'm not minimizing anything but I don't think any of the guys here aren't still living their lives as they have to, making a living and doing what's necessary to keep going. In general I think broken hearts haven't changed in most of human history, just read some Shakespeare. Every man has his own way of handling things. The difference in the last ten years is right in front of our faces. The internet and LS... a place where men can anonymously find some support for a bit, let those frustrations an pain out as well as get solid advice from guys who've been through it before. So all in all I say it's a good thing. Does seem to magnify things a bit though.

 

Beyond that 25 -50 years ago women were more dependent upon men for basic means so it was a whole different ball game.

[confused71]

I have been an idiot to myself for putting up with this crap for so long.All you guys are right.I need to distance myself from this person who used to be my wife.

 

She basically kept calling and texting me till I gave in and responded.Only to be told again 'nothings changed,just want you to move your stuff'.

 

She then repeated to tell me how her having an affair is all my fault,and how she will stop me seeing her daughter if I ever question her about STBXW business.

 

I need to start getting my affairs in order.Though cant afford to see a lawyer at the moment.

[Mountains10]

I have been an idiot to myself for putting up with this crap for so long.All you guys are right.I need to distance myself from this person who used to be my wife.

 

She basically kept calling and texting me till I gave in and responded.Only to be told again 'nothings changed,just want you to move your stuff'.

 

She then repeated to tell me how her having an affair is all my fault,and how she will stop me seeing her daughter if I ever question her about STBXW business.

 

I need to start getting my affairs in order.Though cant afford to see a lawyer at the moment.

 

Confused,

 

You're hardly an idiot, you didn't chose this and you got thrown into it when you least expected it I'm sure. Don't be too hard on yourself, you were living life with your wife, then she dropped a brick wall on your head and changed your life forever.

I would try and limit contact with her for the sake of your emotions and work on getting your finances in order as best you can. Don't give into threats and ultimatums, she sounds despearate. I don't know anything about child custody, since I have no children, but try and see out some free legal aid in your area. Also, some lawyers will give you some free consultation time, you might try calling around and seeing who will give you some free time. Hang in there my friend, you're in good company, we're here for you.

 

Mountains10

[confused71]

Ok so my STBXW has definately gone completely mad.

So remember over december she was investigating having IVF and said she wanted a child with me.

Well through a bit of snooping I found out she is going ahead but with OM.

Remember this is the guy she has known less than six months.The same guy who had a fiance ,the same guy who she has been off and on with for the last 3 months and she has basically admitted he is a liar.The same guy who laughed when I asked him what it felt like to help break up a family.

 

I am actually not even slightly upset.This is the reason she has suddenly said I cant come round and see my stepdaughter.She must be having some sort of mid life crisis.She is going to completely ruin her life and her childrens.

I am well rid of her.

[skinman]

Ok so my STBXW has definately gone completely mad.

So remember over december she was investigating having IVF and said she wanted a child with me.

Well through a bit of snooping I found out she is going ahead but with OM.

Remember this is the guy she has known less than six months.The same guy who had a fiance ,the same guy who she has been off and on with for the last 3 months and she has basically admitted he is a liar.The same guy who laughed when I asked him what it felt like to help break up a family.

 

I am actually not even slightly upset.This is the reason she has suddenly said I cant come round and see my stepdaughter.She must be having some sort of mid life crisis.She is going to completely ruin her life and her childrens.

I am well rid of her.

 

Well confused71,

sounds like your doing well buddy... Keep up the positive thoughts.. your sotuations sounds pretty messed up man good to hear that you have accpeted it for what it is over... I wish I had the same strength....

 

Keep strong man... Best wishes to you..

[Sands_of_time]

I have been an idiot to myself for putting up with this crap for so long.All you guys are right.I need to distance myself from this person who used to be my wife.

 

She basically kept calling and texting me till I gave in and responded.Only to be told again 'nothings changed,just want you to move your stuff'.

 

She then repeated to tell me how her having an affair is all my fault,and how she will stop me seeing her daughter if I ever question her about STBXW business.

 

I need to start getting my affairs in order.Though cant afford to see a lawyer at the moment.

 

Confused-

 

Hang in there. After doing some research and viewing posts on LS, I found out what gaslighting was. Never heard of it until I logged on here. Gaslighting is so powerful that it can knock you to your knees. It is someone you love/care for telling you that you are at fault; you are the bad person; you are the one who is doing all wrong. BS 100%. Do not let her do that to you. Accept your 50% and move along. Never accept more than your share. Stay strong.