Question about protection.

[blinded]

Not sure if this is the right forum, BUT:

 

 

Multiple people are involved in these relationships (MM, BS, OW, WS, etc). Usually someone thinks their partner is faithful. That being said, I noticed that people could AND have gotten pregnant. Do people not use protection anymore? I know there's numerous methods of birth control, but what about STD's/STI's? How often should I be getting tested?

 

If you're MM/MW is lying to their spouse, how can you trust when they tell you that they are clean? Do you see their reports? Also, how do you know that the spouse isn't cheating?

 

I ask this because my MM and I were together recently. During the heat of the moment, I look over and notice he had taken the condom off. He know's I'm not on any other BC. What was he thinking??? He wasn't!

 

To add to the chaos, I am also a MW. And yes, we had a looong discussion about what he did.

[greengoddess]

Not sure if this is the right forum, BUT:

 

 

Multiple people are involved in these relationships (MM, BS, OW, WS, etc). Usually someone thinks their partner is faithful. That being said, I noticed that people could AND have gotten pregnant. Do people not use protection anymore? I know there's numerous methods of birth control, but what about STD's/STI's? How often should I be getting tested?

 

If you're MM/MW is lying to their spouse, how can you trust when they tell you that they are clean? Do you see their reports? Also, how do you know that the spouse isn't cheating?

 

I ask this because my MM and I were together recently. During the heat of the moment, I look over and notice he had taken the condom off. He know's I'm not on any other BC. What was he thinking??? He wasn't!

 

To add to the chaos, I am also a MW. And yes, we had a looong discussion about what he did.

 

No the question is what were you thinking. You are married and F%^$#% another married person. Birth control is not foolproof. What a mess you will create married with a married man's baby. You need to tell your husband. He does not deserve to be sticking it in you when you are letting another stick it in you with no protection. If this man loved you he would not be sneaking a condom off. He was thinking about his own pleasure only not your life and chance of pregnancy.

[marriedandsad]

You know, I think the same thing. And a doctor once said something to my friend that I had been trying to pound into her head for months:

 

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Friend: Yes

Doctor: Are you using protection?

Friend: Um no, I've been tested and so has he.

Doctor: So you're trying to get pregnant?

Friend: No!!! Of course not!

Doctor: Well you're sexually active, NOT using protection, what else do you call it?

Friend: *silence*

 

I'm married, faithful, and I take Yaz. I can't get pregnant anymore, but if I DO I'll have a miscarriage almost 100% guaranteed. Even if I wasn't married and on the pill, do you know how EASY it is to get HPV? Yeah I have that, and because of it I have cervical lesions and my chance for cervical cancer has skyrocketed. And I have no idea who I got it from, which is the scary thing. Use a condom, every, single, time. And yes, there are latex free ones, my dh and I use those as well. There is a new material that cost the same as regular condoms at Wal-Mart. And they are just as safe. Please please please be careful.

[marriedandsad]

....You really should go in and get tested ASAP. If he has done this with you, you have to wonder how many other women he has done this to.

[blinded]

You know, I think the same thing. And a doctor once said something to my friend that I had been trying to pound into her head for months:

 

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Friend: Yes

Doctor: Are you using protection?

Friend: Um no, I've been tested and so has he.

Doctor: So you're trying to get pregnant?

Friend: No!!! Of course not!

Doctor: Well you're sexually active, NOT using protection, what else do you call it?

Friend: *silence*

 

I'm married, faithful, and I take Yaz. I can't get pregnant anymore, but if I DO I'll have a miscarriage almost 100% guaranteed. Even if I wasn't married and on the pill, do you know how EASY it is to get HPV? Yeah I have that, and because of it I have cervical lesions and my chance for cervical cancer has skyrocketed. And I have no idea who I got it from, which is the scary thing. Use a condom, every, single, time. And yes, there are latex free ones, my dh and I use those as well. There is a new material that cost the same as regular condoms at Wal-Mart. And they are just as safe. Please please please be careful.

 

Thank you for understanding my feelings.

 

I know about the chances of pregnancy. But my fear of STD's are just as important. We've had numerous convos about this and I will continue to enforce it.

[greengoddess]

I'm not miserable but you will be if you get pregnant. Think about it seriously. You don't like what I said because you know it to be the truth. I only asked you what were you thinking??? So what was it you were thinking? Pleasure only? Obviously your married partner was since he so blatantly put you at risk by chancing a pregnancy. Do you think you could be pregnant now? What will the repercussions be if you are? Will you leave your husband? Will you tell him it's not his baby? I haven't judged you nor have I called you a name. I simply asked what were YOU thinking? You were with him and you are asking what was he thinking. Additionally what will you tell your husband if he gets an std?

[whichwayisup]

I know about the chances of pregnancy. But my fear of STD's are just as important.

 

My question is, what are you going to do if you are pregnant? Or if you get STD from the MM? HOW are you going to deal with your husband?

 

Why are you having an affair?

[JamesM]

Do people not use protection anymore? I know there's numerous methods of birth control, but what about STD's/STI's? How often should I be getting tested?

 

As often as you feel is necessary. Since you are having sex with two men ( I am assuming), then you do have a greater chance of getting STDs. And you are assuming that BOTH are being faithful to you when is it entirely possible, neither is being faithful to you.

 

If you're MM/MW is lying to their spouse, how can you trust when they tell you that they are clean? Do you see their reports? Also, how do you know that the spouse isn't cheating?

 

You truly cannot trust them. And asking for medical reports is one way to end the relationship. Since you do not know if he or she is also cheating on you, then protection is vital.

 

When you build a relationship on distrust, it is hard to pretend that there is actually trust between two people. Even though it is just as likely as not that bot partners in an affair ARE being honest, it is hard to actually believe this sometimes since you know what lies each is capable of committing.

[marriedandsad]

May I just add this, having the conversation with your dh that you have an STD is one of the hardest you will ever have to have. When I found out I had HPV, I had to tell my dh (we were dating at that point) because we had decided (stupidly) to not use condoms anymore, I was on the patch. I had to sit him down, look him in the eye, and tell him I had an STD. He asked me which one, and I said HPV. (I had JUST found out at the doctors). He went to the doctors and got information about it. So far he hasn't had anything bad regarding it, and it's not likely he will. I have had surgery to remove lesions and have constant cramping. Not to mention several miscarriages. I'm telling you, it was easier telling him I was pregnant before we were married.

 

Get all the information you can on the different STD's. If you need help with resources feel free to send me a PM. I've dealed with this upside down.

[lkjh]

Blinded, you sound very selfish! If I were you I would get tested because you are already at risk considering the fact the OM tried to sneak the condom off. I know people that do this and they do it a lot. If he tried this with you Im pretty sure he has tried it with other women and he most likely has done it since he started sleeping with you. If you get AIDS, Herpes, or HPV these do not go away and you will end up giving them to your H. Maybe its time you start thinking about others. By the way you can also catch each of these while wearing a condom.

[JamesM]

Okay, people, slow down. blinded NEVER said that they had sex without a condom. She said that she noticed the MM took the condom off.

 

And as much as we all panic about STDs...and well we should as I do also, not everybody (in fact the small percentage) actually get an STD from one encounter. And the assumption is that if they had sex without a condom, this MM is just crawling with bugs.

 

For some reason, I doubt it.

 

Let this be a lesson.

 

While I in no way condone what you are doing, I think STDs is one of the least of your worries at this point. I think the breakup of your marriage should rank a little higher. Of course, I guess one could argue that while the breakup of your marriage won't give you and STD, getting an STD most likely will cause the breakup of your marriage.

[blinded]

It's difficult to explain my actions and feelings. I feel that I don't owe anyone here an explanation. I love my H. I want to protect him and myself from the consequences of my actions. I wake up everyday thinking I will change and do something different, but my A is like a drug to me. I know I should stop, I know it's bad for me, but I can't.

 

I am selfish- I admit it. I am having my cake and eating it. Is it worse b/c I am a woman? Probably.

[Geishawhelk]

No.

Trust me.

On this forum, it matters not a jot that you are a man, woman, bi-sexual, gay, transexual or a large hairy dog.

 

OK.

I lied about the last one.

 

What does concern everyone is the safety and well-being of all concerned.

And the big problem is that safe, clean, or not safe and clean, whatever, at one point, there is pain. to greater or lesser degrees.

usually greater.

 

It's an awful mess.

 

But the only one who can change it, is you.

And you really have to want to change it.

If not, the alternative is to know - without aaaaany shadow of a doubt that one day, in one way or another - there will be consequences.

There WILL be consequences.

 

How much are you prepared to gamble the happiness of four people, on your singular desire for selfishness?

[hotgurl]

I will point out that you can get herpes and HPV while using a condom.

[jwi71]

It's difficult to explain my actions and feelings.

Keep trying. Don't quit now. We have no idea who you are, where you or anything else. If you think this is hard...just wait till you tell him how you devastated his existence by sleeping around. Go to the infidelity section and read how the BS suffers. Go ahead. Read what real people suffered after betrayal. Like yours. Now imagine telling your H. Not pleasant for either of you. So, consider this practice. An anonymous sounding board.

 

I feel that I don't owe anyone here an explanation.

Very true. The one person you owe an explanation to is your H.

 

I love my H.

Ok, that makes me angry.

 

Do you really love your H in that motel room with your lover? Is your love for him foremost in your mind while driving for a quickie? That's how you display your love?

 

You want to love him...then love him. End the A. Go to counseling and confess to your H there. Now that, that would be a great step towards reconciliation and love.

 

As of now, your actions are anything but "love" for him. Don't feed me that load of stinky crap about "loving your H".

 

I want to protect him and myself from the consequences of my actions. I wake up everyday thinking I will change and do something different, but my A is like a drug to me. I know I should stop, I know it's bad for me, but I can't.

I agree, your A is like a drug. An addiction. You know its wrong, you know its destructive and you do it anyway. You obviously cannot end this addiction on your own. So find a MC in your area and go. Go and get some help.

 

Your A offers you something you are not getting in your M. What? What is lacking? What is missing? What needs of yours are not being met?

 

Stop fooling yourself about not hurting your H. You have destroyed his world - he just doesn't know it. Yet. Telling him doesn't hurt...its the affair that hurts. And you are still seeing the other guy. Still hurting your H.

 

You chose to have an A. You and only you. You are 100% responsible for this. And it is solely up to you to end it. To get a MC and heal (if possible) the damage you have wrought. Only you can do this.

 

End your pain. Go get help. Tell your H and face the music. Like an addict, you will need help to quit. The one who can help you the most is the one you betrayed. Gather your friends, your family, a MC and fight.

 

I am selfish- I admit it. I am having my cake and eating it. Is it worse b/c I am a woman? Probably.

Yes and no. Society tends to treat a WW worse than a WH. It doesnt make it right.

 

And yes, you are being very selfish.

 

I hope you do the right thing. Get a MC, confess and hopefully there is enough left to rebuild your M. But you are probably not capable of doing it w/o support. Good luck. I wish you well.

[Lizzie60]

Not sure if this is the right forum, BUT:

 

 

Multiple people are involved in these relationships (MM, BS, OW, WS, etc). Usually someone thinks their partner is faithful. That being said, I noticed that people could AND have gotten pregnant. Do people not use protection anymore? I know there's numerous methods of birth control, but what about STD's/STI's? How often should I be getting tested?

 

If you're MM/MW is lying to their spouse, how can you trust when they tell you that they are clean? Do you see their reports? Also, how do you know that the spouse isn't cheating?

 

I ask this because my MM and I were together recently. During the heat of the moment, I look over and notice he had taken the condom off. He know's I'm not on any other BC. What was he thinking??? He wasn't!

 

To add to the chaos, I am also a MW. And yes, we had a looong discussion about what he did.

 

I've had this done before.. I knew he has taken the condom off because when he came, the sperm was running down on my thighs.. he argued about it.. saying that it was from the condom when he removed it.. yeah right.. what he didn't know is that I checked in the garbage can and here it was, the condom was clean. I later confront him about it.. and he said he was clean.. and he hated condoms..

 

Surprising how many men DO NOT want to wear a condom, eventhough they know you're having sex with numerous partners..

 

They just trust you.. simple as that.

 

I don't always use condoms, especially with long-term partners.. I have argued with some MM about condoms.. especially when I don't know them all that well... I even threaten them... 'no condom no sex' and only then ...they will give in..

 

Ah les hommes!!!

[marriedandsad]

I think the reason so many people assume someone is clean is because they assume the person will tell them first. This is so not the case. There are cases in court where a person has HIV/AIDS and doesn't tell their partner and infects them. The partner is now suing for damages because he KNEW he has HIV/AIDS and chose not to tell the partner.

 

Also sometimes it's just plain old embarrassment. I was misdiagnosed with PID (very common) and had to tell my bf at the time because he needed to get treated so he wouldn't reinfect me. Turns out I really had a kidney infection. Well he went ahead and told his dad who was a doctor and was humiliated. He dumped me because I embarrassed him. If that's the reaction you're going to get, why would you want to disclose that information?

 

Also, some STI's are silent depending on the gender. HPV is pretty silent in men, but is shown in women. Same with Chlamydia. A guy can have it and not notice, but if a woman gets it, it's pretty obvious she has it. So if you don't notice any side effects you assume you're clean. HIV can be silent for I believe 7 years. It's downright frightening. Then there are the minor ones that cause vaginal infections that are cleared up with a week of minor medication, but you STILL have to tell both partners so they can be treated so they don't reinfect you. Be especially careful if you have what looks like a yeast infection. Always get it checked.

[GreenEyedLady]

During the heat of the moment, I look over and notice he had taken the condom off.

 

Ok, a little reality check.

 

Are there really that many people that demand to SEE a report on their partner?

 

In my experience, and of everyone I know, you have the convo. You don't usually whip out evidence.

 

The reality is that most people who are lovers ARE NOT using a condom for the duration. Usually after a certain period of time you have the convo.

 

I have always been tested at my annual pap.

 

Your situation is just more complicated because you're both with other people and putting other's health possibly at risk without them choosing the risk.

 

I know that we stopped using condoms after a couple of months. But he had a vasectomy anyways and I use the Ring for reasons other than birth control.

 

I think if I were you, I'd face the possibility of having to explain something messy to my spouse. If it's worth it, keep doing what you're doing.

[bentnotbroken]

I think this is the one thing that still makes me very angry:mad:about Mr. Messy and other cheaters. I didn't get a choice. I didn't get a say so. I didn't get to make the decision to expose myself to a potentially life threatening situation.

 

Be it HPV(I have already had one family member get cervical cancer because of HPV)herpes, calmadia, HIV or AIDS. All those things have the potential to take me away from my children, my parent, my grandparents, my siblings, nieces, nephews and friends. Not to mention the trouble kids I work with, where I do make a difference. All of that could have been taken away from me because someone didn't have the guts or integrity to walk away instead of screwing around.

 

Who gave him(them) the right to make that choice for me. I could have been robbed of all the important events in my families lives. Graduations, marriages, the birth of my grandkids(not anytime soon, I pray:o)and watching the kids I work with mature and learn to deal with their problems.

 

I know you all(people in A's)keep saying your heart, your feelings, your soul mates, what about my(your spouses)lives? Mr. Messy said he trusted her and believes she didn't cheat on him:sick:Two things, she was still sleeping with her H(who she accused of cheating. That would expose me to anyone he may have slept with). And he wasn't her first, nor she his. So potentially I have been exposed to God knows how many people, because there was no reason for me to use a condom with a man I trusted. He trusted her, but he forgot to ask me if I did.

 

So while love is professed for the BS, and not wanting to hurt them, you already have if you aren't using a condom. Potentially killing them.

 

Now that rant is over, how was your day?

[joybean72]

My stbx has Hep C...something I found out about after finding out (6 months in to our marriage) that he had a drug problem. Think he told both his OW this?...Nope. (Just like he hid his drug use from me those years) Yes, I do admit that I told the second OW this when I found out about her....(Yes, I was in that "WTF? angry stage!)....she got pissed at me and said, "How can you live with yourself lady?! He should be the one to tell me about his medical contitions..." (Blah Blah).....and I'm sitting there as I'm reading her words thinking to myself, "Yeah, he should HAVE shouldn't he?! It's not something that should be taken lightly NO MATTER WHAT "SIDE" YOU ARE ON...BS, OW,...whatever! I have a young daughter (Not stbx's from a previous relationship) that "I" HAVE to to take care of....(The OW has 3 of her own!) Do you think he thought about THAT when he was getting is rocks off from both of us?....I'm thinkin' NOT! (Oops....sorry for the vent! Not directed at anyone here, I've just been dealing with a whole other breed of FKTARD is all! Keep yourselves protected! (As will I....hopefully in the near future! LOL!)

[joybean72]

I hear ya bent!!! It's the lack of having the choice that pisses me off most!

[OWoman]

Do people not use protection anymore? I know there's numerous methods of birth control, but what about STD's/STI's? How often should I be getting tested?

 

If you're MM/MW is lying to their spouse, how can you trust when they tell you that they are clean? Do you see their reports? Also, how do you know that the spouse isn't cheating?

 

HIV infection rates are very high in my country, so this is a serious matter for me. I've always been heavy about insisting on protection, though - as has been pointed out elsewhere - nothing protects you against everything, and there's no such thing as safe sex. Because of that, I test comprehensively every couple of months and yes, I fax the results through to my lover/s. Reciprocally, they test regularly too and send/show me the results (if we're not testing together for whatever reasons). Since we've both been sexually exclusive for some time now, though, and have had clean tests throughout, we've chilled on the raincoats. We still test for STIs and keep a wary eye lest the pregnancy fairy strike (I fell pregnant on the Pill, and have had several scares on other methods too) though it's more out of habit than real concern now.

 

On the spousal fidelity issue - odd you should mention it. Evidence has now come to light to suggest that my MM's BW has had an OM of her own on the side - though of course she denied it at the time... It's really lucky that BW and MM were not having sex as she would likely have refused to use protection with him and I'd have been doomed to a life of rubber.

[lovestruck818]

Not sure if this is the right forum, BUT:

 

 

Multiple people are involved in these relationships (MM, BS, OW, WS, etc). Usually someone thinks their partner is faithful. That being said, I noticed that people could AND have gotten pregnant. Do people not use protection anymore? I know there's numerous methods of birth control, but what about STD's/STI's? How often should I be getting tested?

 

If you're MM/MW is lying to their spouse, how can you trust when they tell you that they are clean? Do you see their reports? Also, how do you know that the spouse isn't cheating?

 

I ask this because my MM and I were together recently. During the heat of the moment, I look over and notice he had taken the condom off. He know's I'm not on any other BC. What was he thinking??? He wasn't!

 

To add to the chaos, I am also a MW. And yes, we had a looong discussion about what he did.

 

wow i hope you are not still with this guy. Clearly he ahs no regard for your feelings.

[Reggie]

Bent's post points out one aspect of cheating that can never be justified. No matter how bad a cheater's spouse is claimed to be, a cheater can never justify exposing another person to life threatening/altering diseases. This is where the justification mode fails and the true selfishness of a cheater is revealed. They are willing to risk the health of others to satisfy their own desires.

[JamesM]

Bent's post points out one aspect of cheating that can never be justified. No matter how bad a cheater's spouse is claimed to be, a cheater can never justify exposing another person to life threatening/altering diseases. This is where the justification mode fails and the true selfishness of a cheater is revealed. They are willing to risk the health of others to satisfy their own desires.

 

Then based on this logic, anyone who has sex with more than one person ever is being selfish and is risking the health of others. If a single woman decides to have sex with a man that she loves and yet she breaks up two weeks later, then if she decides again to have sex with her new partner, she is exposing him to the diseases of her past if she has never been checked for STDs. This reveals her true selfishness.

 

I disagree. The assumption here is that whenever a person cheats, he has a greater likelihood of either carrying an STD or having sex with someone who has an STD. The assumption is also made that anyone who cheats does not cheat with only one person besides his or her spouse. These assumptions are not even logical let alone true.

 

Actually, the likelihood is that two married people cheating with one are less likely to have an STD when compared to two single people who are having sex with one another.

 

The exception would be someone who is visiting prostitutes.