Question about protection.

[KismetGirl]

:laugh:How many years have they been married? Maybe she is biding her time till she doesn't need as much parenting help and till she's been married long enough for alimony for LIFE? LOL a lot of states that is 20 years.

 

 

 

Uhhhhhh yeah. That must be why she keeps having babies with him. Because she's biding her time.

 

She has no clue trust me.

 

And, if she wanted alimony riches, she married the wrong guy. She's a SAHM and he's supporting a new house and a family of five on 70K a year. Not exactly rich by anyone's standards nowadays.

 

Nice try againn, though ,its good to see you are persistant!

[greengoddess]

Uhhhhhh yeah. That must be why she keeps having babies with him. Because she's biding her time.

 

She has no clue trust me.

 

And, if she wanted alimony riches, she married the wrong guy. She's a SAHM and he's supporting a new house and a family of five on 70K a year. Not exactly rich by anyone's standards nowadays.

 

Nice try againn, though ,its good to see you are persistant!

 

Omg it gets better he's with you and making babies with her. Gosh please stop this insanity and get away from this man.

[KismetGirl]

Omg it gets better he's with you and making babies with her. Gosh please stop this insanity and get away from this man.

 

 

yeah, its a little crazy. to be fair, both babies were made in periods o NC that i had with him, so technically he wasn't making babies WHILE he was also seeing me.

 

Anyway it takes time.....cant help who you like sometiems. He shoudl have more will power than me. he's the married one.

[greengoddess]

yeah, its a little crazy. to be fair, both babies were made in periods o NC that i had with him, so technically he wasn't making babies WHILE he was also seeing me.

 

Anyway it takes time.....cant help who you like sometiems. He shoudl have more will power than me. he's the married one.

Why should he have more willpower. Everything is hunky dory at home for him with kids and a clueless wife. You don't deserve this and either will his wife if she ever loses the cluelessness. Could you imagine being a new mom with a baby conceived while your husband was cheating? Why on earth would you respect a man who has lied and pretended everything has been perfect to his wife for the last four years? I have to respect someone to love them and I just could not respect that extreme form of deception. Love and hate are very closely related. I hope you can learn the latter for your own sanity. This man has to be some kind of psychotic to live tis deceptive of a life for this long. To you it's a boyfriend and hey you see him when you can but for him to lead a dual life like this? I don't get it andyou will be hurt big time if his wife discovers. She will blame you hate you and paint you to be the worst person in the world if she discovers it.

[OWoman]

:sick:You told him to take the condom off and then knowingly had sex without birth control and then went out and got the morning after pill?:mad:

 

Exactly what is wrong with that? The condom thing wasn't working. And besides, condoms don't protect against all STIs, or even pregnancy that reliably. Instead, she opted for a more reliable form of contraceptive. I'm failing to see the problem here.

[Geishawhelk]

yeah, its a little crazy. to be fair, both babies were made in periods o NC that i had with him, so technically he wasn't making babies WHILE he was also seeing me.

I'm sorry, KG...Now you're splitting hairs...If you'd never seen him or contacted him ever again, this would be one thing...but 'technically'....? Come on, hun.... the only one you're kidding here, is you......!

 

Anyway it takes time.....cant help who you like sometiems. He shoudl have more will power than me. he's the married one.

No, that's not true. it's no good putting your own shortcomings onto somebody else's shoulders. His willpower be damned...Why should he have, or develop willpower? he doesn't need it! He's got you both exactly where he wants you! cushy number, sorted!

[blinded]

wow all,

 

I am the OP. I stayed out of this for a bit b/c of the backlash that some BS have been writing. While most are insightful and have me truly rethinking ALL of my decisions, there are those that seem to just 'berate and mock'. Sound familiar? Then please re-read the very first thread about OM/OW.

 

That sounds like you have a major chip on your shoulder!

 

Why don't you just file for Divorce and make things right! You don't love your husband, and your not protecting him from anything.

 

With a statement like this can you blame me for being on the defense? I am assuming you are a BS. So did you spouse kick you to the curb? Looking at your logic, he/she cheated so now he/she must divorce you. You were never loved!

 

Really? You don't think it messes with the kids when they see mom crying all the time, on the phone all the time with her support system,not paying full attention to them because her heart is being torn out, seeing mom and dad fight all the time, watching dad pack up and move to a new place, watching dad bring his new young toy around? Not waking up to dad in the morning anymore or tucking them in at night.You don't think this affects the kids at all? They call it a fantasy and that is where your head is if you think cheating doesn't affect the kids.

 

Your right, the kids see everything. In fact, they see when mom and dad fight over minor things. They see when mom and dad are not intimate or even friendly. Can all BS out there honestly say that they are completely free of exposing their children from any harm or wrongdoing? No one in their right mind flaunts the A in front of the children.

 

:laugh:How many years have they been married? Maybe she is biding her time till she doesn't need as much parenting help and till she's been married long enough for alimony for LIFE? LOL a lot of states that is 20 years.

 

So you're saying that all BS who find out about the WS affair stay in the M for monetary reasons? No wonder the WS looks for an A. Probably treated like an ATM...

 

The comments I wrote are not my true feelings. I hope some of you see how easy it is to turn a situation to your advantage and at the same time hurt another. Everything in life if not black and white.

[KismetGirl]

wow all,

 

I am the OP. I stayed out of this for a bit b/c of the backlash that some BS have been writing. While most are insightful and have me truly rethinking ALL of my decisions, there are those that seem to just 'berate and mock'. Sound familiar? Then please re-read the very first thread about OM/OW.

 

 

 

With a statement like this can you blame me for being on the defense? I am assuming you are a BS. So did you spouse kick you to the curb? Looking at your logic, he/she cheated so now he/she must divorce you. You were never loved!

 

 

 

Your right, the kids see everything. In fact, they see when mom and dad fight over minor things. They see when mom and dad are not intimate or even friendly. Can all BS out there honestly say that they are completely free of exposing their children from any harm or wrongdoing? No one in their right mind flaunts the A in front of the children.

 

 

 

So you're saying that all BS who find out about the WS affair stay in the M for monetary reasons? No wonder the WS looks for an A. Probably treated like an ATM...

 

The comments I wrote are not my true feelings. I hope some of you see how easy it is to turn a situation to your advantage and at the same time hurt another. Everything in life if not black and white.

 

 

Amen.... ::shrug::: no worries Blinded.... when people are seething in anger and hurt, the only hurt they notice is their own, I guess. Doesn't make it right, but it's understandable. Have to learn to ignore it. This forum SPECIFICALLY, as it states at the top is "The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner."

 

Unfortunately, many BS's or people who have some vehement objection to A's in general come here to vent their own angers at people they don't know, rather than providing any support or useful advice. It's like going to a drug-addiction meeting and telling all the addicts there that they are immoral idiots for doing what they do and that it's wrong and they're hurting everyone and screw them all. It's not conducive to helping them heal or get past their situation, but hell, people don't always want to see the whole situation for what it is- an A is generally difficult for everyone involved, generally most of all the OW or OM who ends up getting hurt the most because most times the MM or MW does NOT leave their spouse, and most of the time to be honest, the BS never finds out. I know tons and tons of people that have cheated, even if it was just once, and their spouses or SO's are none wiser. Eh...c'est la vie....it's mentally tiring to argue the same point over and over anyway.....

[greengoddess]

Amen.... ::shrug::: no worries Blinded.... when people are seething in anger and hurt, the only hurt they notice is their own, I guess. Doesn't make it right, but it's understandable. Have to learn to ignore it. This forum SPECIFICALLY, as it states at the top is "The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner."

 

Unfortunately, many BS's or people who have some vehement objection to A's in general come here to vent their own angers at people they don't know, rather than providing any support or useful advice. It's like going to a drug-addiction meeting and telling all the addicts there that they are immoral idiots for doing what they do and that it's wrong and they're hurting everyone and screw them all. It's not conducive to helping them heal or get past their situation, but hell, people don't always want to see the whole situation for what it is- an A is generally difficult for everyone involved, generally most of all the OW or OM who ends up getting hurt the most because most times the MM or MW does NOT leave their spouse, and most of the time to be honest, the BS never finds out. I know tons and tons of people that have cheated, even if it was just once, and their spouses or SO's are none wiser. Eh...c'est la vie....it's mentally tiring to argue the same point over and over anyway.....

 

You honestly believe the ow/om get hurt the worst?:laugh:That sounds very naive my dear. That woman will be destroyed if she finds out what you are doing with her husband. Her nice little family with her beautiful young children will all have been a farce since you've been with her husband while she has been conceiving. You knew the score going in. You know he is married. She will be totally blindsided and realize her life has been a lie.

[KismetGirl]

You honestly believe the ow/om get hurt the worst?:laugh:That sounds very naive my dear. That woman will be destroyed if she finds out what you are doing with her husband. Her nice little family with her beautiful young children will all have been a farce since you've been with her husband while she has been conceiving. You knew the score going in. You know he is married. She will be totally blindsided and realize her life has been a lie.

 

 

Why does no one ever actually read word for word....stop skimming people.

 

i said in most cases the BS never finds out, and yes, in those cases, OW gets hurt the most because MM doesnt leave to be with her, stays with the W, and OW gets left in the wind. This is more often the case than MM leaving W or W finding out whats going on. You cant be hurt if you dont know what the hell is even happening. You can argue that she'll notice he's distant some days or some such bull, but in reality, i can guarantee you im hurting alot more than she is right now at this very moment. Because im in love with someone who goes home to HER every night, not the other way around.

 

Yeah, if she finds out it will be worse for her, but maybe that would be better, because maybe she'd find someone that was actually in love with her and didn't want any other woman. I wouldn't want to be in a marriage in which my husband didn't want me, even if he kept it in his pants. How depressing, to be married to someone who looks at you every day and wishes that they could be with someone else if only the two of you didnt have three kids and so much invested already.

[greengoddess]

Why does no one ever actually read word for word....stop skimming people.

 

i said in most cases the BS never finds out, and yes, in those cases, OW gets hurt the most because MM doesnt leave to be with her, stays with the W, and OW gets left in the wind. This is more often the case than MM leaving W or W finding out whats going on. You cant be hurt if you dont know what the hell is even happening. You can argue that she'll notice he's distant some days or some such bull, but in reality, i can guarantee you im hurting alot more than she is right now at this very moment. Because im in love with someone who goes home to HER every night, not the other way around.

 

Yeah, if she finds out it will be worse for her, but maybe that would be better, because maybe she'd find someone that was actually in love with her and didn't want any other woman. I wouldn't want to be in a marriage in which my husband didn't want me, even if he kept it in his pants. How depressing, to be married to someone who looks at you every day and wishes that they could be with someone else if only the two of you didnt have three kids and so much invested already.

If you can sympathize with that then why not do the right thing and tell her so she can have a chance at true love? Maybe if you do the right thing now it won't come back to bite you in the butt years from now when you are married with children.;)That whole Karma thing yaknow.

[JamesM]

This forum SPECIFICALLY, as it states at the top is "The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner."

 

I agree. This frustrates me, and I am not an OW/OM. It is one thing to give some advice about what should be done...which may include negatives about being in an affair, but it is entirely another thing to vent anger because of one's own situation. It seems as if many BSs feel that by posting here, they get back at their own OW/OM who caused them so much hurt.

 

It's like going to a drug-addiction meeting and telling all the addicts there that they are immoral idiots for doing what they do and that it's wrong and they're hurting everyone and screw them all.

 

Agree.

 

an A is generally difficult for everyone involved, generally most of all the OW or OM who ends up getting hurt the most because most times the MM or MW does NOT leave their spouse, and most of the time to be honest, the BS never finds out. I know tons and tons of people that have cheated, even if it was just once, and their spouses or SO's are none wiser. Eh...c'est la vie....it's mentally tiring to argue the same point over and over anyway.....

 

If the spouse never finds out and the MM breaks up with the OW, then yes, I agree. However, I think more spouses either know inwardly/instinctively or do find out after the affair is over than is realized.

 

If the BS finds out, then no, I disagree. The pain that they feel is with them forever in their marriage now or even in future marriages. An OW or OM may feel a lot of pain because they lost a lover, but they knew going into the relationship that the MM/MW was already committed. They knew that this man or woman could not commit to them unless he broke another commitment. When the relationship is over, then the OW/OM can move on and find someone who can begin a new. This is no different than any non married couple would do.

 

An adulterous affair has a completely different impact on the betrayed spouse.

 

Marriage vows are meant to be until death, and when someone is betrayed by their partner, the BS loses all faith in anyone's words of commitment. This pain goes much deeper than the breakup of two lovers. The words "I am sorry" mean nothing. And after the supposed reconciliation, never again can the BS trust the MM/MW completely. There is always the doubt in the mind. And the anger at that spouse can be minimized, but it is hard to forget.

 

Trust CAN be rebuilt, but the pain of the dishonesty can never be forgotten.

[KismetGirl]

If you can sympathize with that then why not do the right thing and tell her so she can have a chance at true love? Maybe if you do the right thing now it won't come back to bite you in the butt years from now when you are married with children.;)That whole Karma thing yaknow.

 

 

I can sympathize, but its not that easy is it. I don't have the right to disrupt the family. If they end it between themselves, then that's their decision. It's not up to me to go tell her everything. She's in ignorance right now and she's happy. He's never going to leave her for me because of their family, their kids, etc. So I guess i dont want to be the one to bring it all in the open, its not my place to do it.

 

Dont believe much in karma im afraid. Been a good, caring person my whole life, sacrificed for people my whole effing life, only to be put in this situation where im miserable every day. Karma has screwed me and made my life difficult my whole freaking life. Ive worked hard, done everything the right way, and still nothing is ever easy for me. Never. If that's what karma is, then it obviously already hates me despite every good thing ive done in my life. So with all due respect to karma, f**k it.

 

He's not leaving her. Eventually this thing with me will be over and he'll go back to his monotonous existance, raise his kids, and no one will ever know it happened but me and him.

[SueBee3490]

I just don't understand how you can be an OW and in love with someone and watch them go home to their W everyday. I won't ever understand this. If he truly loved you, he'd leave his W (I don't want to hear excuses of children, finances, etc.). There is such a thing as joint custody and if his W is as awful as many of these MM claim they are, he could file for sole custody. There's other options instead of living a lie or betraying someone.

 

This is a weird situation in that it is that the OW's know the MM are with another woman (their wives) and you just have to suck it up and live with it because he's calling the shots. I don't understand how anyone can live day-to-day knowing he is with her.

 

He's not leaving her. Eventually this thing with me will be over and he'll go back to his monotonous existance, raise his kids, and no one will ever know it happened but me and him.

 

You say you have 4 years invested in this relationship and you are willing to just say someday it "will be over" and you'll just go on your way and he back to his wife/kids? You don't have strong feelings/love for this man especially after sharing so much time together? Again, unbelievable.

[bentnotbroken]

Why does no one ever actually read word for word....stop skimming people.

 

i said in most cases the BS never finds out, and yes, in those cases, OW gets hurt the most because MM doesnt leave to be with her, stays with the W, and OW gets left in the wind. This is more often the case than MM leaving W or W finding out whats going on. You cant be hurt if you dont know what the hell is even happening. You can argue that she'll notice he's distant some days or some such bull, but in reality, i can guarantee you im hurting alot more than she is right now at this very moment. Because im in love with someone who goes home to HER every night, not the other way around.

 

Yeah, if she finds out it will be worse for her, but maybe that would be better, because maybe she'd find someone that was actually in love with her and didn't want any other woman. I wouldn't want to be in a marriage in which my husband didn't want me, even if he kept it in his pants. How depressing, to be married to someone who looks at you every day and wishes that they could be with someone else if only the two of you didnt have three kids and so much invested already.

 

You may not marry a man like that, but you have been willing to participate in an A with him treating you the exact same way. He isn't with you all the time and he is thinking of her to keep her satisfied and not suspicious. That does take time. And you spoke of him having babies with her during NC, the problem with that is he could have had sex with her without impregnating her, thus tying himself even more closely to her. Not one, but two times.

 

There is a such thing as a vasectomy, that he could have without her consent or knowledge. How depressing to have sex with someone you say you love, yet he goes home and continues to make babies with the woman he says he doesn't love. That is just confusing to me.

[KismetGirl]

I just don't understand how you can be an OW and in love with someone and watch them go home to their W everyday. I won't ever understand this. If he truly loved you, he'd leave his W (I don't want to hear excuses of children, finances, etc.). There is such a thing as joint custody and if his W is as awful as many of these MM claim they are, he could file for sole custody. There's other options instead of living a lie or betraying someone.

 

This is a weird situation in that it is that the OW's know the MM are with another woman (their wives) and you just have to suck it up and live with it because he's calling the shots. I don't understand how anyone can live day-to-day knowing he is with her.

 

 

 

 

You say you have 4 years invested in this relationship and you are willing to just say someday it "will be over" and you'll just go on your way and he back to his wife/kids? You don't have strong feelings/love for this man especially after sharing so much time together? Again, unbelievable.

 

 

This is the same argument, day in and day out. Divorce is not some easy thing like you can just end on a whim because you like someone else. Children and finances are a huge concern, whether you agree or not. He doesn't hate his W, either, she's a nice enough woman, but being in discontent is not enough for most men to upheave their whole lives and be a part time dad and go into financial ruin.

 

So, they find what they are missing part time instead. and that makes the balance easier for them

 

I hate seeing him go home to his W every day, doesnt make it easier for me to break things off with him.

 

You people will never understand unless you are in this situation what it is like on either end. never. Im so tired of trying to explain its like a broken bloody record. unless you ARE the MM/MW or the OW/OM you have NO idea what is or is not easy to just get up and do.

 

No one likes divorce, no one likes conflict, and just because people are not happy with everything in their lives doesnt mean they will just up and change everything "just like that". Be reasonable people. Morality doesn't make a decision like divorce even one iota easier for anyone.

 

I love him more than Ive ever loved anyone in my life and I still wont ask him to leave his children and family for me, because he'll end up resenting me if I MADE him do it. If he wants to leave, let him do it because he's unhappy enough with his marrriage to do it. if he never does it, what can I do. Im not forcing anyone into anything. That's the least beneficial way to get a relationship going.

 

So, eventually things will end if it keeps going like this. I can't be an OW forever. I'll go off to medical school and meet someone new hopefully, someone nice and single, and MM will stay with his family, and maybe that's how its meant to be. I'll never regret loving someone, its an experience , but I wouldnt want to be an OW ever again. its not something anyone WANTS.

 

but again,....banging my head on a wall.

[KismetGirl]

You may not marry a man like that, but you have been willing to participate in an A with him treating you the exact same way. He isn't with you all the time and he is thinking of her to keep her satisfied and not suspicious. That does take time. And you spoke of him having babies with her during NC, the problem with that is he could have had sex with her without impregnating her, thus tying himself even more closely to her. Not one, but two times.

 

There is a such thing as a vasectomy, that he could have without her consent or knowledge. How depressing to have sex with someone you say you love, yet he goes home and continues to make babies with the woman he says he doesn't love. That is just confusing to me.

 

 

Just because you don't understnad sometime, and come up with what you think are better options, doesnt make the situation any less viable, or make anyone else think of your options. Maybe during NC he thought having another baby would bring them closer together. Who the hell knows, I wasnt there, and neither were you. There are a million reasons and things people can and can't and won't do and just because you think of one option doesnt mean it occurs to someone else as a viable one.

[Geishawhelk]

So, eventually things will end if it keeps going like this. I can't be an OW forever. I'll go off to medical school and meet someone new hopefully, someone nice and single, and MM will stay with his family, and maybe that's how its meant to be. I'll never regret loving someone, its an experience , but I wouldnt want to be an OW ever again. its not something anyone WANTS.

 

Ok I'm really trying to get my head round this, truly I am...I've been getting it so far, but here's the thing - and this is what I don't understand.....

 

if you really believe what you have just written in the above paragraph - Why don't you cut loose and end it now....?

Why wait?

What for?

 

What is stopping you from knocking this on the head, going to medical school, and finding someone 'nice and single' now?

and this - "its not something anyone WANTS." - is not strictly true.

you didn't go into this with your eyes wide shut, did you? You knew you'd be going in as the OW - so why didn't you not want it in the beginning?

It's a choice! It's all a choice!!

 

I don't - really I don't - understand....

 

See...I had the choice of being an OW - and I walked right away from it.

It broke my heart and I went into recluse mode for three months or more. but I chose to not do it.....

[KismetGirl]

Ok I'm really trying to get my head round this, truly I am...I've been getting it so far, but here's the thing - and this is what I don't understand.....

 

if you really believe what you have just written in the above paragraph - Why don't you cut loose and end it now....?

Why wait?

What for?

 

What is stopping you from knocking this on the head, going to medical school, and finding someone 'nice and single' now?

 

and this - "its not something anyone WANTS." - is not strictly true.

you didn't go into this with your eyes wide shut, did you? You knew you'd be going in as the OW - so why didn't you not want it in the beginning?

It's a choice! It's all a choice!!

 

I don't - really I don't - understand....

 

See...I had the choice of being an OW - and I walked right away from it.

It broke my heart and I went into recluse mode for three months or more. but I chose to not do it.....

 

Jus tbecause you know what the better option is, doesnt mean you always take it. Plenty of people in dead end relationships stay there for various reasons, alot of the time they love the person even though they knew he or she is wrong for them, and its hard to leave. I think most of the time, there is some small glimmer of hope that is hard to die off that keeps them hanging.

 

i'll admit that many days I have this small sliver of hope that one day he'll realize what kind of happiness he could have , but in logical rational thinking I know its probably never gonna happen. That doesnt stop my irrational hope from making it hard for me to say goodbye.

 

You know, out of sight, out of mind? When im in med school, lets say, i'll be out of this area, i'll be so busy i wont have time to think about him or see him. Right now i do have some time to squeeze for him, i do speak to him,, he calls me, he comes by, i hear his voice, i hug him , i smell him , i kiss him, and all my resolve to say good bye flies out the window.

 

as they say, easy to say whats the right thing to do, but things are easier said than done.

[Geishawhelk]

"'Tis part of the cure to wish to be cured."

 

You're staying then, because you want to. Your desire to stay, is greater thsn your desire to move on.

 

Ok.

[pelicanpreacher]

To the original OP I think the question that begs is "can honor amongst thieves poach the pooch"? I find that most people seeking an affair while living in an otherwise stable relationship elsewhere do so for the adrenaline filled rush that comes from the thrill, danger, and naughtiness of the illicit. Imposing rules of conduct might dampen the romantic ardor so you find AP's taking risks that they otherwise wouldn't just to support the illusion necessary to maintain a charged atmosphere of unbidden lust. Ergo, if you impose restrictions to the affair that thwarts the high your AP is seeking then there's not much motivation to continue the affair unless both partners are seeking true love from one another. JMO!

[Owl]

"'Tis part of the cure to wish to be cured."

 

You're staying then, because you want to. Your desire to stay, is greater thsn your desire to move on.

 

Ok.

 

That's what I've gotten to. And that's fine if that's what she wants.

 

I think the problem is that while she's decided that she's not going to change anything...she's still suffering due to the fact that he's split between his wife and her.

 

I don't see anything changing until the pain becomes greater than the fun. That's pretty typical from what we've seen here.

[Billie63]

This is going off topic somewhat - it was originally about using protection. I think I'll never get round the idea that a OP would forgo contraception, knowing their MP is sleeping (albeit rarely) with the spouse bare back. I mean, what if the wife had a bad case of thrush?

 

And how can OP be sure their MP is taking a shower in between assignations? Putting it crudely, I don't want to taste some tart's ***** on my husband's knob!

[KismetGirl]

This is going off topic somewhat - it was originally about using protection. I think I'll never get round the idea that a OP would forgo contraception, knowing their MP is sleeping (albeit rarely) with the spouse bare back. I mean, what if the wife had a bad case of thrush?

 

And how can OP be sure their MP is taking a shower in between assignations? Putting it crudely, I don't want to taste some tart's ***** on my husband's knob!

 

 

wELL, at least MM showers after seeing me, I guess. No tart **** on knob going home to W here.

[Owl]

In the time I've been on LS, I can remember a couple of times where that was exactly how someone was caught cheating.

 

Where they'd try to jump into the shower the moment they walked in the door...so that they wouldn't get caught. And then the spouse...suspecting something...would 'start' something to find out for sure.

 

Not to mention, we've had a few busted with "detection kits"...

 

Add to that the fact that you never really know for sure the truth or not as to whether or not the spouses are sleeping together...its a huge risk for everyone. The only ones KNOWINGLY taking that risk are the WS and OW/OM...the BS is often totally unaware of the danger they're in.