Friend Likes me? I'm going flipping crazy.

[Owl]

Though I do find this interesting, she told me just today that all of the invites over were here Husband's ideas. Wierd...

 

Not really. When I began to suspect my wife and OM in that situation, I too became more involved in their relationship. I figured it would have two effects...first, he'd see her "with" me, and catch on (he didn't). Second, it gave me a first hand chance to view their interactions...which confirmed my suspiscions.

 

You know what they say..."Keep your friends close, ...".

[BlueHarvest]

Maybe the H isn't as dumb as I took him for afterall.

 

As for the whole situation, it still hurts, and I still get pangs of feelings for her.

 

I had to go into work today to do an order and do some maitenance for an hour. I had promised her the other day I would have lunch with her and another friend. (I don't go to lunch alone with her anymore, I make sure another person is always with us now.)

 

So we went to lunch and it was funny, I was able to look at her mostly as just a friend. Nothing more. It hurt a little but I left that message you told me to give her. The whole thing dealing with cops, and woman's shelter (etc...)

 

I left it on her desk before I left. (I revised it a little so it looked like I wrote it...sorry. And I feel 10 times better. Got myself a haircut this morning as well, clean-shaven...I feel great. And knowing how good I look now, I feel good.

[Owl]

Hey...it should have been in your words...not mine.

 

I wasn't the one telling her this...you were. I simply gave you some understanding (hopefully at least).

 

Doing the right thing may hurt in some fashion...but it also does make you feel good!!!

 

Party on, Garth!

[BlueHarvest]

Well I did do it in my words...I didn't copy it word for word

 

She said today at lunch she had another Marriage Counseling session this evening after work. I said "oh thats good". She responded : "yea another session of marriage reconciliation that I don't want...god I'm bad(for saying that)".

 

She obviously doesn't want to even try to reconcile it, like I said. But I'm not gonna fawn over her anymore....tired of it. IF she wants me, she knows how to get in touch. If not, she can run to that OTHER married co-worker with 1 kid and two newborns...we'll see how far that gets her.

[Owl]

Of course she doesn't want to reconcile, or fix things.

 

Think about it. She's got a husband at home who is FIGHTING for her attention. You've noted it yourself...how "needy" he is.

 

She's got a married co-worker at work that she's carrying on SOME kind of relationship with. He's a 'free ticket'...there's no attachment or commitment likely there. She can easily dictate terms and expect that they'll be met.

 

And she's got you on the hook too. You're the perfect backup plan. The perfect safety net. If all goes down the tubes, she knows full well that you're pining for her, and more than willing to catch her when she falls.

 

In other words...she's getting her emotional needs filled by THREE DIFFERENT MEN. Not by one, which is how a marriage should work...but THREE. Its heaven. She has absolutely no reason at all to want to change this situation...which is why she hasn't.

 

She knows what you want...she doesn't sound stupid. She's not given it to you because she knows that she'll lose her hold on you...she won't be able to balance this three way act if she changes the dynamics in her relationship with you. If things change, you no longer become the perfect backup plan. You'll start making demands...expecting her to end her marriage and her relationships with other men.

 

She doesn't want that.

 

What she wants is for things to stay exactly as they are right now.

 

She doesn't want to reconcile. She doesn't want to divorce. She doesn't want to leave him, and she doesn't want to let him be the only man to meet her needs either.

 

This is a HUGE reason why they say that marriage counselling is worse than useless when one or the other partner is in an affair. Because they have no intent or desire to change the situation at all...and they'll lie through their teeth about the whole situation. And that lying will prevent ANYTHING from getting resolved through the counseling.

 

Think about what I've said...think hard. You'll see how true it rings.

 

This is why you need to get out of the situation in some fashion or another. Because trust me...at the end of the day...she'll throw you under the bus before she'll pursue a relationship with you...UNLESS...that relationship is the only one left. If she gets tossed out on her ear...she'll come crying to you. But even then...you can bet she's going to set some massive limits on things.

[BlueHarvest]

No joke....? Sh e came into work today and cried on my shoulder *(literallY* for an hhour) she confronted her husband thsi morning she told me. I told her I would always be her friend, I confronted her with EVIDENCE of her affair, I went looking for a list of stuff I had to do that I thought I threw away. Instead I found love notes betwen her and the OTHER co-worker. stuff like "when are you going to do me?" etc etc....

 

I guess I always think that people will be good and do the right thing..and I try to guide them to that goal. I think the problem i have is the "teacher syndrome" ...YOu know "Those who can't teach do, and those who can't do teach". I can fix other people's relationship problems but I can't fix my own.

 

Anyawys, I approached her this morning with physical evidence of her "emotional affair" and she just shrugged it off as "we have alot in commmon".

 

Sorry if this is badly phrase, grammar is bad, typing is bad, I've had a few drinks and I am extremely depressed....not like the alcohol is helping or anything. But its bette rthen having unrequited love. I guess I"m not over her.

 

her crying on my shoulder this morning just broke my heart...an d honestly I dont know if it was an act or not.

[whichwayisup]

Blue, stop being her shoulder. She's not being malcious here, but she is being SELFISH and she's using you. Your heart is in it and going to be crushed if you allow yourself to be her therapist, ear, shoulder, whatever.. SHE KNOWS she can come to you for anything, anytime and you'll RUN to her like a puppy dog.

 

You aren't over her because you're too involved, too attached, too much in her daily life, knowing all the in's and out's of what's going on.

 

Step back, take a break. Focus on you and your life. Your friends, family, cousins, whomever, anyone but her.

[BlueHarvest]

I've tried....I've tried to immerse myself in work, jogging, other friends. every time I do i think about her.

 

as for my heart being crushed...I think that happened two weeks ago when I found out she was having an emoational affair with this other ****bag co-worker.

 

I'm trying to get her off my mind and failing utterly. So much for me being "angry" at her, and using that as my antidote to her ways.

 

I don't understan why im attracted to someone like this. It logically makes NO ****ING SENSE!

[whichwayisup]

Because she is someone who is different, taboo and the 'bad girl' ... She keeps you on your toes and interested. She knows exactly what buttons to push with you, and you let her.

 

You're thinking with the WRONG body parts and that is what's going to get you into tons of trouble.

 

I think you see her as a 'victim' in some sense and yes, you want to rescue her from the big bad wolf - The problem is, Blue - She IS the big bad wolf and loving every minute of it.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

The Brain in Love and Lust

[BlueHarvest]

Can you give me the short version of that Limerence stuff? Sorry...a bit too long and too in-depth for my brain right now...

 

guess it doesn't help that i've been listening to kelly clarkson

 

[Owl]

See...you've just seen EXACTLY my point happen on Friday.

 

She confronted her H...about WHAT, EXACTLY?!?!?!?! The abuse? I don't get that...abused people do NOT "confront" their abusers... If he was truly abusive...he would have reacted in anger and shock and it would have resulted in more abuse. That's assuming she actually got up the strength to confront him.

 

See...that's what doesn't add up here for me. She doesn't "sound" like an abused woman by your posts. She sounds like she's the one in control of the entire situation. Her H is needy/clingy...she's not. She's flirting with you, IN HER OWN HOME WITH HIM NEARBY...that's not frightened/scared behavior...that's dominant behavior. She's taking risks, where an abused person would AVOID them.

 

She's got her life compartmentalized exactly how she likes it. She's got you as her shoulder to cry on, the guy who feels sorry for her and tries to protect her. She's got her H who provides income and stability. He's who she 'comes home to'. He WANTS her, NEEDS her (your words, btw). She revels in that. And she's got the OTHER co-worker meeting other emotional needs...as she told you.

 

Its exactly as I described.

 

And its going to stay exactly how it is until one of the three of you (you, her coworker, or her H) force a change in the situation. She won't...she doesn't want to. Regardless of what line of bull she's feeding you, this is just how she wants it to be.

 

The question is...who's going to break the cycle first? And how?

[whichwayisup]

Good post Owl!

 

She doesn't "sound" like an abused woman by your posts.

 

If anything, she sounds like a lonely woman who is unhappy and bored in her marriage and she's turning the littlest of things into bigger issues - FOR ATTENTION from you and the other MM..And whomever else.

[BlueHarvest]

My "worst" fears were confirmed today.

 

I was working and she was off today due to our quarterly inventory coming up soon. She usually works on Mondays though.

 

Her husband called work 3 times for her. I answered two times telling him she wasn't there. She really wasn't, but he didn't believe me. He even asked me to swear on my mother's life the 2nd time. After the 2nd time I got fed up and went to one of her really good friends (she's known this lady for 8 years). I've known her for 2 years. We talked and I just threw it all in the open.

 

The funny thing was the female friend talked to me about it and said she had the same suspicions. She knew that something was going on between the MW and the other co-worker. She said that she has offered many times for the MW and her two children to move in with her while she sorts things out, she's done everything she can. She knows that the MW is going down the wrong path.

 

She knows my feelings on the situation too. I guess I was hoping the MW would do the right thing. The female friend's feelings on the situation were for the MW to at least end her own marriage before going out with another guy.

 

I eventually realized that the MW is a grown woman. She has her own choices, and as much as we don't like seeing people take a path in life that will hurt them...sometimes they do anyways.

 

I just feel powerless to do anything. I can't help but feel empathetic towards this situation, but there is literally nothing I can do....aside from getting the MW's Husband to talk to the MM's Wife....

 

That would really get things out in the open, but then I would probably screw myself over in so many ways it wouldn't be funny. So all I'm left with is to just sit by and watch her throw away her life to yet another ******* who thinks with his dick instead of his heart.

 

It hurts...alot.

 

P.S. Just noticed I've become an Established Member!

[Geishawhelk]

Yeh, I also noticed you replied to another lady whose co-worker is coming on strong....

Funny, the experience we gain, huh?

[BlueHarvest]

Oh I did forget to mention in my post above....the reason I was stating she was off today is that her husband called 3 times asking if she was there. Twice to me and one time to the female best friend.

 

We both told him she wasn't.

 

The kicker? The OTHER male co-worker was off today too....

 

DUN DUN DUNNNNNN. (Welcome to Days of our Lives)

 

Hmm, husband didn't know she was off, he knows she wasn't at work, she wouldn't answer her cell phone obviously, wouldn't even answer the cell phone from her best friend calling. Where oh where could she be?

[whichwayisup]

I just feel powerless to do anything. I can't help but feel empathetic towards this situation, but there is literally nothing I can do....aside from getting the MW's Husband to talk to the MM's Wife....

 

That isn't your place to get involved and alert him to go speak to MM's wife. Blue, you're TOO emotionally invested in this, I mean less than a week ago you were calling her husband names and IN her house, flirting with her, letting her flirt and be all over you, while HE WAS SITTING RIGHT THERE. Don't mean to sound harsh my friend, but in all honesty, you getting involved, pushing for the betrayed spouses to talk IS in hopes that she'll come to you.

 

She is NO prize, she's a wounded woman who is lying, deceiving and selfish. Why on earth would you want a woman like that? She has no respect for her own marriage, let alone anyone else's. She doesn't respect herself either, or her kids..If she did, she would be in counselling to fix things, either to help END her marriage peacefully or make it better. And to fix herself! She has ALOT of flaws..She's chosen this selfish path, and I hope you choose to run from her, otherwise you're going to get sucked into her dramatic life and be hurt in the process.

[BlueHarvest]

I saw this and had to laugh though. Brightened my week up.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fQyz_aecNc&feature=related

 

Anyways "up", Yea I know it isn't my place. And I haven't done it...but I thought about it. Yea I know I'm emotionally invested, how can I not be? I've known her for awhile and she started spilling the beans to me 2 months ago. At first I was just ok with it, but it became more and more until I found myself where I am now.

 

I even talked to the female best friend and said to her "Even if she got smart and broke it off with the OM, even if she got through her bad marriage with her husband and left him...how would I....she's just...." (I ended up trailing off, at a loss for words on how to say it...) And then the co-worker spoke up and finished it for me saying "your view on her would be tarnished wouldn't it?"

 

I said yea...exactly.

 

I believe people deserve second chances...and assuming every single thing I wanted to come true did....at this point I don't even know how to react to her anymore. Honestly, how could I ever trust her at that point?

 

I'm using that right now in order to keep my emotions in check and keep me firmly planted in reality.

 

But the truth of the matter is IF ALL THIS DID come true. What would I really do? I don't know...I honestly don't know.

 

I'm done...today's phone calls from the husband, and me talking to the best friend really woke me up. I just can't invest myself into it anymore...it is proving too emotionally painful.

[Owl]

If 'what' came true?

 

You don't need any further "proof" of anything at this point. You KNOW what's going on already...this isn't rocket science at all. Between the emails, coinciding days off, and her H being unaware of all of this...there's no doubt at all what happened yesterday.

 

She's cheating...emotionally with you, and both physically and emotionally with the other co-worker. And she's stringing her H along.

 

This makes me ask...so WHO is really the abuser here????

 

The bottomline now is...what are you going to do from here?

 

If you act like nothing happened, you're going to get sucked right back into supporting her emotionally just as you have been.

 

So what's your plan from here?

[BlueHarvest]

I honestly don't know. I went to another therapy session today and I feel like I got nothing out of it. I came out just as confused as I did going in. I just don't know how to stay friends. And I mean JUST friends, nothing more. I either continue to be friends and she thinks of me as her emotional pillar. Or I do NC (which is hard cause we work 4 feet from each other and realistically I would probably break it anyways) and end up losing a friend and co-worker.

 

I know at this point she is leaving her husband. And I know she is interested in the other MM. I'm not gonna play the game anymore. I'll be her friend, but I can't be her father and tell her what's right and wrong, cause she'll do whatever she wants anyways.

 

I'm just having issues on how to distance myself back to the point of being just her friend.

 

My plan? I dunno....i'm lost right now trying to figure it out.

 

Oh and as response to the "what if" came true. If she left her husband, realized she needs to stop messing with this other MM and came to me. I would really never be able to trust her even if all that transpired I have TOO much knowledge now.

 

I never used to believe in the term "ignorance is bliss" until these past few months.

 

The one thing that really pissed me off the most is her flirting with me, saying how she would like to get to know me better, then going to the other guy even more. I asked her where I stood in her life a few weeks ago (like i stated in the other threads) and got a bull**** answer that kept me right there hovering uncertain in the realm between friend and boyfriend.

 

I just want straight answers....guess that's wishful thinking.

[Geishawhelk]

Yes, unfortunately, it's called "Keeping her options open". Looks like you fell into the plan B category.

Think of it this way. She sidelined you too. You've been kicked into the touchline, emotionally, like her H. She's opted for the other guy, and your opinion of him is not high.... so what does that say about her, and her choice of men?

If you just look at harsh reality, she's a crazy mixed-up player.

 

I think you tell her that whatever you say, she'll do her own thing anyway, because in the end she will do what she believes will bring her happiness.

All she's doing though, is pleasure-seeking.

 

Pleasure is not Happiness.

 

And pleasure is all you would have gotten out of getting involved. Not happiness.

And hey... so you lose a 'friend'...... what friend?

[BlueHarvest]

well...before all this ....****...Happened. She was enjoyable to be around, I enjoyed her company as a co-worker and friend. I guess if she goes back to being happy then it can return to normal somewhat. I guess I considered that as the part of her that I could be friends with.

 

And yea. I realize that pleasure does not equal happiness. Unfortunately she doesn't seem to be seeing this. And I don't think she would like it if I said that to her.

[Owl]

You're about to learn another harsh lesson, Blue.

 

You CAN'T go back. You can't act like the recent past never happened. You can't put the genie back in the bottle.

 

You can't act like you don't know what all is going on, nor are you truly going to be able to act like you don't care.

 

You've LONG since crossed a boundary in your relationship with her.

 

Once that boundary is crossed, going back to "just friends" and acting like nothing ever happened just doesn't work out.

 

Really, the only way you're going to start to heal is if the ENTIRE relationship with her is severed...friendship and all.

 

Otherwise you're going to have a part of you that ALWAYS pines for your 'what if' scenario...you won't move on. And she darn sure DOESN'T want to move on...as I've said...she's got this whole situation lined out where she wants it to be...with three different men fighting to be 'the one'.

 

And as long as you're in her life in ANY fashion...you're going to be one of the men she's striving to keep fighting for her.

 

See what I mean here?

[Owl]

So how has it gone this week, Blue?

[BlueHarvest]

Meh....I dunno. Bit rough somewhat for me but better overall in the grand scheme of things.

 

Our work schedule was wierd this week so I've ended up only working 4/7 days with her rather then 6/7.

 

So the less exposure has been nice. We planned to hang out tonight as just friends but I think I was fooling myself on that. She cancelled on me cause her husband wanted to talk things over and was home. I know she had a rough week and I kinda thought we would just play with the kids and sit down have pizza and watch a movie.

 

I realized that I need to move on and I sorta-kinda set up a date with another girl I work with (whom I think is single). It was a loose flirtatious thing like "Well, we'll have to go see that movie when it comes out then won't we?"

 

She is cute but I'm still trying to get over this (currently still) MW. It's just rough. I don't want to use this other girl just as a rebound because she doesn't deserve to be a rebound person.

 

On the flip side I don't want to just wait around to see IF the MW will ever divorce her husband...but on the flip side of that coin I keep thinking that if I do seriously start trying to date other women then I'll find that the MW all of a sudden is available. Kinda catch 22 right now (in my head at least it is).

 

I'm just trying to find ways to distract myself and not be so "heavy" into her. And just be friends....which gets kinda hard when she does things like put her hand on my cheek or play with my pants pockets on my cargo pants at work.

 

I feel like every time I take a step foward in the right direction something else pulls me back a step at least (sometimes even two steps back.) I can't tell if I'm making personal growth or not.

 

Edit: And thanks for looking at my myspace page Owl.