never a straight answer, just lies.

[snoopy girl]

I have many questions for my husband and all I get is lies, then he yells at me and tells me i'm sick and need help. I've been married for 25 yrs. and for the last 9 yrs. he has work close with a pretty blonde, just friends he said. He call her all the time talks about her all the time, then said calls are about work, but goes outside to talk. found one picture of them working together in is pocket as trash, he had his arm at her back and both had a big smile, he forgot to trough it away. found a picture on is e-mail of her, that she sent as a joke, he said. I use to go and do things with him at his work all the time and after about one year of her there it stoped. she had called his 2 way and with a sexy voice said goooood morning. he grabed the phone and said he was with me and would get back to her later, than told me she was goofy. when I ask to meet her he just told me I would just get jealous, made me made and told him to nock it what ever it was. after that he would not bring her up to me anymore.

[bobdole]

Are you just venting or do you have a question or looking for some specific advice?

[Al_Bundy]

The fact that he yells at you when you try to tell him your concerns is very telling.

 

He should be holding you by the face, kissing you and telling you that nothing is going on and you have nothing to worry about, in an empathetic way.

 

Not yelling at you. I'd say he is a lying snake.

[snoopy girl]

I was making a thread and pushed the wrong botton and it went through before i was done. maybe venting? I'm not sure but I need to know how to find out if I can get information on text where it goes and where it comes from, My husband has quite his job about 4 months, not because of me but corp. and he calls all his friends he worked with, he does'nt hide that from me, but he said that he has not talk to her at all, I find that hard to believe becuase he work so close to her they were like bf. he told me she was the only one he trusted there, but now he claims he does not talk to her but i found all kinds of text, not on his phone on our statement. he tells me its ring tones and checking the weather. 3 to 4 times a day morning noon and late night and only on the days i work. when i saw this i told him to stop the ring tones and weather. the next month only 2 text were there 5:00 am and that noon on his way to the doctors office close to his old job. Now he has a new job with his own computor and cell from work and he rarely talks on his own cell and never goes on his computor at home, where before you couldn't get him off it at all, always telling me he was checking the weather on it and turning it off when i entered the room. i feel my husband has done something with her i can't prove it but i feel so angry at myself for not trusting him like i did for 18 yrs of our marriage, i was so wrapped up with the kids that i think he needed something more than me. He know if i find out anything bad i will leave, but i can't just give it up because i am jealous of thier relationship, my husband has lots of female friends but her he hides and i find out things they did only by slip ups. help my in anyway about the text if you will and it's nice to hear a loving word from you, you all care. snoopy girl

[IfWishesWereHorses]

When your H calls you crazy and turns your questions around it's called Gaslighting, it's abuse.

 

What is Gaslighting? - Associated Content

 

Your gut instinct is telling you something is wrong and something IS wrong, be it an emotional or physical affair. How many times when raising your kids did you have to question when they had done something wrong? Most of us know it before they do it. Your instinct with your H after many years in no different.

 

Is your question how to find out? First of all, accept that he is gaslighting and stop giving him an opportunity, stop questioning him. What you see is what you see, allowing the gaslighting will set you back further and further, IF what you want is the truth.

 

Do some searches on the internet if you are into high tech stuff, voice activated digital recorders, GPS, ect... There is tons of information out there. If your hair is different lenght and color than hers check his car for hair in, between the seats and on the floor boards front and back.

 

The key is to journal your information rather than confront him until you have undeniable proof. By the way, what kind of phone is his new work phone?

[snoopy girl]

your right gasligting that he is, i have just turned the other cheek to his game trying to let him know i was not a jealous girl to all the things he did in our marriage. His job is was the root of our problems, lots of girls young girls and when we were young it was not to bad but know 20yrs later and the girls are younger it make thing hard for me, like a good wife i stayed supported in all he did, he intertaned customers in bars going out of town on conventions all of which is a small group of them mostly men and one woman. his bf at work, I have never talk to her but seen her at a get to- gether at his work, she was acting uncomfortable and he too, he did'nt want to go,but i made it out that the kids would have a good time and we didn't have anything else to do. He has done so much more and i know there is thing that is keeping me from leaving, just with all that i could leave, well he would leave. i have one child that got married last yr and one child in middle school. I live on family land and i can't aford to stay in this house even with support, my parents are in there 70's not in good health they are next door to me,my oldest lives next to them on family land. if i tell him to leave he will make me sell, i can't do that to my parents, they gave us lots of land that but right up to their land. i gust the best way is to prove something. i feel so bad about this, i love him but also hate him. its all bout ego, being the best having the best.

i will find out what typ phone he has i know he as gps on it.

thank you for your help.

[jwi71]

your right gasligting that he is, i have just turned the other cheek to his game trying to let him know i was not a jealous girl to all the things he did in our marriage. His job is was the root of our problems, lots of girls young girls and when we were young it was not to bad but know 20yrs later and the girls are younger it make thing hard for me, like a good wife i stayed supported in all he did, he intertaned customers in bars going out of town on conventions all of which is a small group of them mostly men and one woman. his bf at work, I have never talk to her but seen her at a get to- gether at his work, she was acting uncomfortable and he too, he did'nt want to go,but i made it out that the kids would have a good time and we didn't have anything else to do. He has done so much more and i know there is thing that is keeping me from leaving, just with all that i could leave, well he would leave. i have one child that got married last yr and one child in middle school. I live on family land and i can't aford to stay in this house even with support, my parents are in there 70's not in good health they are next door to me,my oldest lives next to them on family land. if i tell him to leave he will make me sell, i can't do that to my parents, they gave us lots of land that but right up to their land. i gust the best way is to prove something. i feel so bad about this, i love him but also hate him. its all bout ego, being the best having the best.

i will find out what typ phone he has i know he as gps on it.

thank you for your help.

 

In an earlier post you said he "hid her from you" whereas you know of all the others. Something is different.

 

I get the sense you feel a bit trapped. You're not. Empower yourself.

Start by talking to your parents about your fears/suspicions. Perhaps they will be willing to sell the land for your happiness. And now your H has lost some leverage against you. Alleviate a bit of your fear.

 

Have you considered hiring a private detective? It may be expensive in terms of money but the peace of mind it buys is priceless. Just a thought.

[snoopy girl]

there are so much more about all this, and trying to tell it in a short time, he worked with this girl of 8 yrs. told me all about her the first year then when things started to cross the line, the weekend calls the lies and anything that he did'nt want me to know about his job with her. he just stop talking to me about it never trying to bring her up and when he did it was not the whole truth, he was good at leaving lot of part out of his story. we are friends with people he worked with so they would say things to him infront of me, things i did'nt know went on at work and then he would have to explain. you say to hire someone to follow him or check on him, it would be hard to, he had a wide area of places to go and never in one place long and never a set time, your right in telling me its up to me and that is the hardest part, i guess i want the man i married years ago, but i'm not the woman he once knew, i feel weak and broken, after all of the fight, someone told me to just stay married use his money for myself do the things i want to do, and the hell with him. he make good money and to be on my own it would be hard. i know its not about money but i have seen my friends end up split and can't make ends meet, and are just or more sad and lonely and broke. snoopy girl.