insecurity in LDRs

[Gingerboom]

hey folks,

 

Haven’t posted here in a while but recently things in my LDR have gone from bad to worse and I’d really appreciate some input and support :-S.

 

I’ll try and keep it short but sometimes I can ramble, sorry.

 

I have known my SO for 10 months.

We met on a dating site at a time when I was looking around, feeling lonely and most probably h*rny, if truth be told.

 

I really didn’t know what I wanted.

I hadn’t purposefully intended on getting into a relationship.

I just missed company, someone to cuddle and hold me and to chat to.

 

He was the only guy I felt was interesting, sexy and very different.

 

Anyways, we embarked on an intense and highly sexual online relationship.

I'd never had anything like this before, never used msn in such a way, I didn’t even own a webcam, but it was all so exciting, thrilling, sexy and new!

 

We would chat, yes, but looking back, almost all our conversations turned to sex and we ended up in a pattern of behaviour where sex became pretty much the basis of our relationship.

 

Subsequently, after spending time together in person (he is military type, we have spent 3 leaves together for 3 weeks a time) and in msn conversations I started to feel like there was something missing.

 

I noticed that if we did not talk about sex, the conversation felt very stilted on his side, or in fact he’d barely come on line, compared to 2-3 times a day for hours a time at our peak intensity.

 

He admitted in the past to feeling like a different person on msn, it is partly a fantasy outlet for him and he likes to let off steam, but I am the same person on-line I am in real life or at least I thought I was?

 

So it became, I sat most nights hoping this might be the night we have a normal conversation?!?!

 

What I was missing, as I have taken it from my other relationship experiences was intimacy, sympathy and well, quite frankly, just talking. Some nights I just feel like being silly, anything goes.

 

But I was trying so hard to be loved and desired.

I just wanted to be the girl he’d always dreamt of: sexy, exciting, edgy, witty, clever, pretty, cute, shy yet dirty, everything rolled into one…

 

I ended up suppressing my identity (whoever and whatever that is) in order to be someone I am not. This got re-enforced because he said he loved all those things about me, we seemed to have this sexual bond and because he’d never been truly happy with ex girl friends as they never seemed to like sex as much as him.

 

I just wanted to be THE ONE for him. That’s all.

 

But last weekend it all got too much. I exploded.

Over 10 months I had bottled up everything I was unhappy about in our relationship for fear that if I told him I wasn’t quite happy, he would no longer want me, lose interest, want someone else who is actually all those things I had made myself out to be.

 

I attacked him and blamed him for a lot of how I was feeling, when really it was my own lack of esteem and assertiveness that had stopped me from mentioning my issues when they arose.

 

He agreed, he had been neglecting intimacy and is conditioned to want sex and not making love.

 

He also says he has to be told to do things (it might be the military influence) but I thought some things just come natural to a couple. I’ve never had to ask for intimacy, conversations or tenderness before?!?

 

I feel I’ve ruined everything. Things are now very different between us. It’s just a very awkward mess.

 

I just feel we are so incompatible and I have insecure thoughts every day that he will be looking for someone else to satisfy his sexual urges.

 

I asked him if he is disappointed, would be happier with someone more sexual like himself? He has said no, he is attracted to me for being myself and that sex really isn’t that important, but I don’t believe him. How can he, when he barely knows the real me and we haven’t spent much time working on that side of our relationship at all?

 

He says he would have preferred it if I had just been honest and upfront about who I am and what I wanted and would have respected that a lot more and now doubts a lot of what I have said.

 

He has become distant (how ironic in an LDR lol) and has not said he loves me or has the same amount of passion when we talk.

 

I just don’t know what to think. Any help would be very gratefully appreciated : )

[Wanjiruokwiri]

It all depends on what you wanted in the relationship in the first place. It looks like you were not hoping for a relationship but in the heat of the moment you found something new, refreshing and decided to go with the flow. However, this world works in miraculous ways. This problems would never have emerged if the relationship never went long distance, but i have learned from experience that this things happen for a reason and it is usually to make you question exactly what it is you want in your life, relationships and if the person you are with is a ready to give it to you.The relationship that you have is pretty much a sexual one and sorry to say this but you cannot complain because ultimately you got yourself into it. I once eaves dropped on a conversation between two men who were discussing why they play games with women. One guy said you have your good time girl and you have wife material take home to mama type. The good time girls are there to satisfy your sexual needs, your fantasies and to make you feel like the Don Juan they are the girls you go out with all the time you show of to your friends and only seem interested in them if it involves sex. Its the reason why you will date a man and have great sexual relationship but he will not marry you. The wife material is a the girl next door. She is a plain Jane, respectable almost timid, she never complains and while she might be good in bed she tries to discuss other things with the man. So where do you fit?