salinedreams Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 I started seeing my boyfriend of about five months close to six months ago. I was involved in a bad, borderline abusive relationship at the time, and was looking to get out of it. A good friend of mine introduced me to a friend of hers, and we immediately hit it off. Unfortunately, I was still involved with "Robert", my ex. Robert did not want to let me go, and I had a difficult time breaking it off with him. I didn't start dating "Sean", the new guy, for about a month. I had to get some things back from Robert, and while I was with him the first time trading back things, he pinned me on a couch and forced me to do things with him. I told Sean about this, but after that things got strange. Robert wanted me to be friends with him, and on several occasions convinced me to come and meet him somewhere so that we could talk or take care of things that we still had *i.e. each others things that we still had, or to discuss the about $200 that Robert owed me*. On these occasions, Robert came onto me in a sexual way strongly, and I went along with it. This happened before and after Sean and I were officially dating, from the time I broke it off with Robert until probably a couple months into the relationship. I know that I cheated and that it was wrong. I told Sean about the things that went on and he knows most of the details. He was very hurt at first, and I'm sure he still is, but he hasn't said any more about the situation since then unless i brought it up, and I am concerned about resentment issues that may crop up. This isn't to say that I don't deserve these feelings from him, because I do, but i want to know if there is anything that I can do to regain trust in the relationship. I am very committed to Sean, and I want to make things right again. I know that things can never be the same way they were before the cheating, but I want to get to a point where things are trusting and positive. Sean and I have had a lot of stress in our relationship lately also because of housing issues on my part, and things in that department have just been resolved. I now have a permanent place to stay *i.e. not his car* and am going to school. I feel like this should solve some of our problems. We both have talked, and we both feel like things are different between us, but neither of us know how they are different or have any idea how to fix things. I love Sean very much, and I see a real possibility of a very long term relationship. I just want to fix things before they get any worse. Thank you for your insight, and hopefully it will help me. ~Mary P.S. Please don't be rude or mean just for the sake of being mean and hurtful. I can deal with hard truths and difficult things, but there is no reason to be unnecessarily hurtful, as I have seen many people do on message boards like these. Thanks! ~Mary Link to post Share on other sites
AAlike Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 I started seeing my boyfriend of about five months close to six months ago. I was involved in a bad, borderline abusive relationship at the time, and was looking to get out of it. A good friend of mine introduced me to a friend of hers, and we immediately hit it off. Unfortunately, I was still involved with "Robert", my ex. Robert did not want to let me go, and I had a difficult time breaking it off with him. I didn't start dating "Sean", the new guy, for about a month. I had to get some things back from Robert, and while I was with him the first time trading back things, he pinned me on a couch and forced me to do things with him. I told Sean about this, but after that things got strange. Robert wanted me to be friends with him, and on several occasions convinced me to come and meet him somewhere so that we could talk or take care of things that we still had *i.e. each others things that we still had, or to discuss the about $200 that Robert owed me*. On these occasions, Robert came onto me in a sexual way strongly, and I went along with it. This happened before and after Sean and I were officially dating, from the time I broke it off with Robert until probably a couple months into the relationship. I know that I cheated and that it was wrong. I told Sean about the things that went on and he knows most of the details. He was very hurt at first, and I'm sure he still is, but he hasn't said any more about the situation since then unless i brought it up, and I am concerned about resentment issues that may crop up. This isn't to say that I don't deserve these feelings from him, because I do, but i want to know if there is anything that I can do to regain trust in the relationship. I am very committed to Sean, and I want to make things right again. I know that things can never be the same way they were before the cheating, but I want to get to a point where things are trusting and positive. Sean and I have had a lot of stress in our relationship lately also because of housing issues on my part, and things in that department have just been resolved. I now have a permanent place to stay *i.e. not his car* and am going to school. I feel like this should solve some of our problems. We both have talked, and we both feel like things are different between us, but neither of us know how they are different or have any idea how to fix things. I love Sean very much, and I see a real possibility of a very long term relationship. I just want to fix things before they get any worse. Thank you for your insight, and hopefully it will help me. ~Mary P.S. Please don't be rude or mean just for the sake of being mean and hurtful. I can deal with hard truths and difficult things, but there is no reason to be unnecessarily hurtful, as I have seen many people do on message boards like these. Thanks! ~Mary well, depsite the urge, I won't ask you why you did what you did, because there's really no point. As far as whether or not your current relationship can get past it - that's going to be very difficult...if it was only once or twice and/or it happened in the very beginning or your relationship with the new guy you might be able to grasp at a straw and preserve things...I do think that going back to an ex is a different type of "cheating" - not that its any less deplorable - but the fact that it was ongoing and persisted well past the initial stages of the relationship does not bode well. And not only that, all cheating aside, and maybe even more importantly, I'd really be wondering why you would agree to have discreet meetings with someone that had previously forced themself upon you, whether it was cheating or not. I'd be questioning your stability in addition to your commitment. so I don't know...this is a tough one. I don't know the guy...but I'd really be hard-pressed to believe that this could turn out OK in the long run. Unlike others on here, I think that an isolated episode of cheating, can be gotten past if you really want to (now, whether you'd WANT to get past it is another story), but an ongoing thing like this I'd really think would be tough to move on from. Link to post Share on other sites
Author salinedreams Posted October 16, 2008 Author Share Posted October 16, 2008 I understand where you are coming from. I am very committed to trying though, so I want to keep going. I guess the only thing that I am concerned with is that Sean has a track record of staying with people after they cheat on him, and I don't want him to stay, but be semi-unwilling, or just staying for the sake of having someone. Is there a way to tell if this is going on? ~Mary Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Love is built on trust - which has been severely damaged at best. Can you sit and talk to Sean. At an emotional level I mean...discuss your feelings? I suspect it will prove very difficult for him so you may have to open up first...can you take that risk? Would you and Sean consider coupes therapy to discuss your cheating and his reactions/responses to it? Link to post Share on other sites
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