Not sure if this is a revelation of sorts on his part? Argh

[KismetGirl]

So MM just left my place. As anyone who's read my other threads knows, Ive had alot of stress lately, and alot revolving him in particular. I'm quite in love with him and torn because I know it's not going to go anywhere but I stick around mostly because its too painful to think about him when im single, and dont have anyone else i like to distract me from the idea of him.

 

So anyway, he just left. Usual shagging and chatting for a couple hours. At one point I start joking and ask him if he's hooked up with anyone else but me since he's met me (aside from his W, I mean....). He's joking back to get a rise out of me and jokes about , of course, he's just hooking up with all these girls at work, wouldn't you know. Then I say, well, I think I'd have a right to know, since Im sleeping with you without using condoms, implying at the very least I deserve to know for the health risk (and yes I've been tested regularly and have not slept with anyone else in a year). So he asks me "why, would you tell me if you'd hooked up with someone?" and I said of course, I would, i have no reason to lie and that Im picky and I havent slept with anyone else since January. Not for lack of options, but rather lack of options I like. Nothing wrong with being picky, right?

 

So then he goes into some mini ramble about how he feels he is the one getting the good end of the deal here in this A, and that he hopes one day I find someone that can make me happy, because Im so beautiful and such a great person and I deserve someone that can do everything I want them to do and not treat me like sh*t. Which I guess obviously implies that he knows he can't do everything I want someone to do, and does feel bad when he has to cancel on me or can't go out when I want him to, and so which implies he's not leaving his W anytime soon, which isn't really news to me to be honest.

 

I know others would beg to differ on his status as a "good guy" due to the fact that he's cheating on his W, BUT, he really is a good guy. He doesn't want to hurt her, he's not going to leave her, and most of all, he's not going to let his three kids grow up without their father home every single day. I have a distinct feeling this last thing is the most important reason holding the rest of it togehter.

 

How can I be mad at him for that? I can be upset, hurt, sad, dissapointed, but I can't be surprised or mad at him for saying what I already know. I think he doesn't tell me how he feels about me because what's the point? He'd sound like an arsehole saying "well, Im in love with you, but I have to go home to my wife now." I think I've learned that love really isn't enough to change someone's life in certain situations, no matter how strongly you feel about someone. Sometimes the "right thing" wins out, and in this case, I guess the right thing is staying with his kids.....just makes me sad, I guess, knowing how such a good couple never had their chance cause they met at the wrong time.

 

I asked him if he'd prefer I stopped seeing him then, and of course he said he'd still love to see me as often as we can until the day comes that I tell him I dont want to see him anymore , but that he really hopes I find someone that can make me happy in the ways that he can't because he hates not being able to do all those things I want.

 

Im not sure how I feel right now. I don't even know if Im asking any question here right now....I just feel very confused, and im not sure why, since he didn't tell me anything today that I don't already know. I wasn't going to ask him to leave his W, and he wasn't going to leave her, his life and his kids.

 

So why do I feel so confused anyway? *sigh*

[jj33]

Kismet I went through that. MM once told me in a rare moment of candor, that he was so in love with me and he lived in fear knowing that one day I would meet someone else and it would be over and he would lose me forever. That it was wrong for me to half a fraction of what I should have in a relationship. That he didnt understand why I would even consider that sort of thing (the affair). A month or so later we stopped seeing each other.

 

Thats what I meant about the guilt. He feels guilty knowing that he cant offer you half of what you deserve. It is also his way of saying he is not leaving. He doesnt intend to be your future. He is your right now. A friend of mine told me that an A like that exists in a void. It exists for as long as it exists but it doesnt exist on any other level other than what is shared between the two of you. I didnt accept that at the time. But in retrospect its true. Its your own private little oasis from the rest of your lives.

 

And that is OK if its ok with you. But the fact is its not OK with you. Its tearing you apart. It doesnt mean you will be ready to walk away now. It will take you time to process it. To think about what it means to you. But you have to stop the rationalizations. It doesnt matter WHY he stays. The fact is he is staying. It feels better to know that if things were different he would be with you in a fuller relationship but it doesnt change the fact that he cant offer you that. And it takes time for that to settle in.

 

It is unlikely that he will ask you to stop seeing him. He doesnt sound like that sort of guy. Sadly he is not that generous. If you are willing to accept less he will gladly participate. So the onus is on you. When you are ready, to steel yourself and turn away the thing that you love most because it is the thing that is bringing you unbearable pain.

 

My heart goes out to you.

[jj33]

And I dont want to make you feel worse but did he ever give you a straight answer on whether he had been with anyone else.... a mini ramble on how great you are is not the same thing as a straight answer. Its unlikely that he is, but its still important that you get a direct answer. Theres a part of these men that thrives on teh fact that the OW cares and it makes them feel like they hold the power which leads to the jokes about yes sure 50 of them. But the fact is its a serious thing to you and you deserve a real answer.

[KismetGirl]

And I dont want to make you feel worse but did he ever give you a straight answer on whether he had been with anyone else.... a mini ramble on how great you are is not the same thing as a straight answer. Its unlikely that he is, but its still important that you get a direct answer. Theres a part of these men that thrives on teh fact that the OW cares and it makes them feel like they hold the power which leads to the jokes about yes sure 50 of them. But the fact is its a serious thing to you and you deserve a real answer.

 

 

 

Well, he said something about how he likes to get a rise out of me, and then said no no, there hasn't been anyone else, and then that got into the whole question of "well, would YOU tell me if you slept with another guy?" etc etc, which he assumed I had for some reason, which is even more bizarre that hed be willing to sleep with me without condoms not even knowing if im on birht control (which i am) AND thinking i might be sleeping with other guys? Hes a nice guy, but im starting to really be convinced men are just stupid....I know it must feel better for them not to use one, really, wouldn't be be worried about , at the least, getting me preggers? Men....

 

When I said I havent been with anyone else since January and he seemed like he didnt believe it, I told him I wouldnt be sleeping with him without using anything if I was because that would be putting him at risk, so hoepfully he'd get the idea that that concern should go both ways!

[jj33]

With no disrespect to any MMs lets face it in certain respects, we are not dealing with the cream of the crop here. Everyone has foibles but having an A is a sure sign of something not being quite right in their lives.

 

If they had it so together they would find a way to get their needs met without lying to their spouses. They would be in relationships that were more functional or they would face the issues head on - not by finding a relationship that serves as an oasis from their M.

 

Yes some do it on their way out, people change people grow etc. But an A is a symptom of some sort of confusion or feeling stuck or something... its rarely a sign of something good. It doesnt make them bad people but it is sign that all is not as it should be.

 

And of course he thinks you have been with someone else. He doesnt have much time for you and you are young beautiful etc etc why should he think you are sitting waiting for stolen moments with him? He sees you differently than you see yourself. If you didnt feel stuck you would see it differently too.

 

And as for the protection you need to do it for you. Put yourself first. Dont take chances.

[SerenityX2]

Kismet

 

I'm not sure why you feel confused either other than you are so in love with him that you are blinding yourself to the truth.

 

Honestly you are only supposing that he doesn't really love his wife. He'd be a real arsehole if you told you he loved her but he is also turned on by you and loves the excitement and extra attention you bring to his life.

 

He's an arsehole for admitting that while he recognizes that you deserve better, hey he'll keep on shagging you anyway. Hon, that ain't love and it sure isn't respect.

 

And you're right, I still don't see him as a good guy for anyone...even the love for his wife is disingenous but it's what he's capable of, just b/c he's there for his kids doesn't make him a *good* father. Selfishness is never a good character trait to show kids is acceptable. Kismet you can do SO much better.

 

If he really loved you he'd tell you that. Don't kid yourself with your inquistion that he's not realizing how deep you're falling, I think he knows...if it was so casual on your end you wouldn't ask to see him beyond the time you have and you wouldn't get upset with him for not calling or returning texts. You'd just let it be free and easy. Of course it's my opinion only but I think he realizes that.

 

I so wish I could save you from this devestating heartbreak you are hellbent on putting yourself through. But I guess the cloud is just too pink for you right now.

 

I'm still sending you hugs and prayers....take care Kismet

[wildsoul]

I asked him if he'd prefer I stopped seeing him then, and of course he said he'd still love to see me as often as we can until the day comes that I tell him I dont want to see him anymore , but that he really hopes I find someone that can make me happy in the ways that he can't because he hates not being able to do all those things I want.

Honey, this is a very common way men/women let the other person know that the relationship is strictly a friends with benefits type of situaton. It's a caring way to explain that they are not able to be your primary partner, but would like to keep it as-is until you find one.

 

The good thing is that he is honest in this example.

 

The bad thing would be if you interpret any more into it, other than what was meant. It means he likes your sexual relationship, but there is no future.

 

Be prepared that if you don't leave first (and really, you should consider that) he may break up with you if you get too clingy. The fact that you're not dating others might make him feel good, but it also might scare him.

 

I have ZERO judgement on sex without committment, if that's what you want. But not many girls can do that well. Really, I know one woman who does that quite well, and she is very clear about how to make it work, "Get a stable of men. Otherwise you or they will get attached. The only way to to the FWB things is with multiple partners." It's not what I want for myself, but I think she's right. If you continue to have him be your ONLY partner, while to him you are only secondary, you're going to have trouble. Either find some other boy(s) to mix it up with, or break up with this one who flat out tells you he isn't available now or ever.

[norajane]

So why do I feel so confused anyway? *sigh*

 

Because he confirmed what you had suspected, and maybe knew deep down, but without his confirmation, could dream a little. But now it's incontrovertible truth without any doubts or room for dreams, so you have to accept and internalize that. He took away the fantasy by telling you straight up he's not going to be yours and he expects you to find another man.

 

And you have to decide what to do based on this now fact that he is never going to leave his family. Do you stay with him, knowing that you'll never really be open to another man while you're still in love with him? Or do you walk away, knowing how hard it will be even though it's the best thing for you.

[GreenEyedLady]

How can I be mad at him for that?

 

Because he's using you.

 

You NEED to get angry here.

 

He pretty much just admitted you're not the only one he's been with. He just did it half-joking-which is half-serious.

 

Until YOU decide that you won't settle, YOU WON'T GET ANYMORE FROM HIM.

 

Except more of the same.

 

He's counting on you being understanding. That's the worst thing you can be right now.

 

After all, it's HIS problem he's married. NOT YOURS.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet

 

I'm not sure why you feel confused either other than you are so in love with him that you are blinding yourself to the truth.

 

Honestly you are only supposing that he doesn't really love his wife. He'd be a real arsehole if you told you he loved her but he is also turned on by you and loves the excitement and extra attention you bring to his life.

 

He's an arsehole for admitting that while he recognizes that you deserve better, hey he'll keep on shagging you anyway. Hon, that ain't love and it sure isn't respect.

 

And you're right, I still don't see him as a good guy for anyone...even the love for his wife is disingenous but it's what he's capable of, just b/c he's there for his kids doesn't make him a *good* father. Selfishness is never a good character trait to show kids is acceptable. Kismet you can do SO much better.

 

If he really loved you he'd tell you that. Don't kid yourself with your inquistion that he's not realizing how deep you're falling, I think he knows...if it was so casual on your end you wouldn't ask to see him beyond the time you have and you wouldn't get upset with him for not calling or returning texts. You'd just let it be free and easy. Of course it's my opinion only but I think he realizes that.

 

I so wish I could save you from this devestating heartbreak you are hellbent on putting yourself through. But I guess the cloud is just too pink for you right now.

 

I'm still sending you hugs and prayers....take care Kismet

 

 

What truths are I blinding myself to, exactly?

 

I don't tell myself he's going to run off with me. He's probably doing me a favour by not telling me how he feels about me in either way. And, I don't doubt that he loves his wife, but there are different kinds of love, and you may think Im deluding myself into saying he's not IN love with her, but I guess everyone has a different definition of these types of love. I do believe he loves her as any human being would love someone they've been married to 7 years, and who is the mother of his three children, and stuff like that, like somewhere in between love for a family member and love for a spouse I guess. But is he IN love with her? I don't think he ever has been. Even before me and him hooked up he never acted like he was in love with her. He'd wistfully talk about what a great person she was and what a great mother she was and never once would he say that he really loved her or that they had any sort of romantic connection. When you are really IN love with someone, you don't cheat on them, because they are all that you want in someone, that's the very definition of being in love with them.

 

But it doesn't matter at the end of the day, does it? He could be in love with me ten million times over, he's not ready to say good bye to his family life, his kids, to give up on watching them grow up and coming home to them every day. There's a different kind of love for children and that will usually win out against a person's own happiness. Whether or not he'd be happier with me in a relationship is almost irrelevent right now....maybe if they were older, but they're all babies. I can't sit and wait for them to grow up and he knows that, he'd be crazy to ask me to wait even until they were teenagers. The youngest one isn't even six months old yet! Men are creatures of stability....underneath it all, they get married because they crave that stability, and don't always consider that they can have stability AND passion. He didn't , at any rate, and got married to a lovely woman that he felt comfortable with.....but thats it.

 

But, he is a guy, and guys are stupid. Most men (and honestly, most people that cheat) convince themselves that if the BS doesn't find out, if can't hurt them. And really, you can say that maybe he'll act different around her, and maybe he'll act weird, and maybe this and maybe that, but to be honest I doubt she notices it that much. For the one or two days a week he sees me for an hour or two, by the time he gets home to three screaming children they're both running around and don't have time to notice that maybe her husband has some weird potentially guilty look on his face if you look reaaally hard. It's not like me and him have overnights, or date nights, or weekends away, or he promises me relationship futures or blah blahblah. She has nothing to fear from me. He gets his missing spark from me, and when Im gone and hopefully have found someone nice and single to date, he'll go back to just being the husband and dad just like he did in that year of NC we had.

 

By the way, the whole not thinking it will hurt anyone if they ont find out, This includes the kids. And to be honest, kids won't think their dad is "selfish", because, for starters, the oldest one is like 5 years old and doesn't think that deep yet, and they wouldn't know anyway unless MM and W divorced and the kids knew the reason was because of an A. Even then, its all about how the parents handle it. I knew my dad cheated on my mom, I don't think less of him or love him any less. My mother has never in my life said a bad word about my father, encouraged us to see him , and that made all the difference. if they had bad words, it was between them and me and my sisters never saw it. They are adults and it was their marriage, not mine. I was upset when i was 13 and they divorced, but it didn't ruin my life or make me hate my parents, and it certainly was not the reason I ended up as an OW. This situation Im in could havent happened to anyone, anywhere. One kiss was all it took , from someone I had been smitten with from the moment I met him months earlier. I don't feel this way about just anyone.....but like I said....

 

It doesnt matter. Of course he'll still see me if I let him. No matter what anyone else thinks, i do believe he at least cares for me. We've been doing this for four years on and off. He likes me, maybe he loves me, who the hell knows, it doesnt matter. He's not tearing his kid's family apart , but while I let him have me, he'll take it, just like I take what he gives me because it's all I'll get from him right now. When I find someone, I hope , that CAN give me what I deserve then maybe one day I'll be able to get over MM. Right now its hard. Im already heartbroken. I was heartbroken the moment he kissed me.

 

Now it's just a matter of waiting until my life brings me in a bit of a different direction. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget about him, or just tell him good bye just out of the blue. The year that I was able to stay away from him physically, I still remembered to email him on his birthday, I couldnt help it. But I was able to stay away, and not think about him every waking moment of every waking day, because I was seeing someone else that I genuinly liked.

 

Maybe Im cursed. Maybe you really do only fall in love once and after that, it's just a matter of finding someone to be comfortable with and settling. Maybe that's what most people do. Maybe that's what I'll end up doing. I've loved other men, but I've never felt about anyone in my entire life the way I feel about him. And it scares me to think that my chance at true love was missed by wrong time, wrong place.

[whichwayisup]

So then he goes into some mini ramble about how he feels he is the one getting the good end of the deal here in this A, and that he hopes one day I find someone that can make me happy, because Im so beautiful and such a great person and I deserve someone that can do everything I want them to do and not treat me like sh*t. Which I guess obviously implies that he knows he can't do everything I want someone to do, and does feel bad when he has to cancel on me or can't go out when I want him to, and so which implies he's not leaving his W anytime soon, which isn't really news to me to be honest.

 

He's basically telling you as it is. Read between the lines here.

 

He's saying you're the OW and that's it. He's getting the better end of the deal and sooner or later the affair IS going to end and he hopes you find someone who can love you and offer you the world.

 

Sorry K, it's that plain and simple. This man is NOT inlove with you. He's having fun, having an affair - THAT IS IT. You're putting more into it than there really is.

 

GEL is right, so read her post over and over again.

 

i do believe he at least cares for me

 

Yes, he cares about you, he probably has some feelings for you too, affectionate ones - BUT that does NOT mean he's 'inlove' or very attached to you. Sure if you ended it, he'd be upset, for a little while and his ego would be bruised...But not enough to divorce his wife and come chasing after you. He may chase you to continue the A, to keep you as the OW.

 

So, how long do you want to be second fiddle? How long do you intend on sticking around, settling for less? You are wasting time with a man who has NO intention of leaving his family for you.

[whichwayisup]

Now it's just a matter of waiting until my life brings me in a bit of a different direction

 

Why a matter of waiting? Why not DO something about it now? If you hate the rollercoaster ride of being in an affair, of being the OW, of being dicked around (selfishly, not malciously) by the MM, why not take control and end it? Why wait until he ends it?

 

You will NEVER fall for anyone else, let alone let ANY man close to you as long as you're with the MM. You have a choice here so take control of your life and change it up so YOU are happier in the long run, not just day to day and in stolen moments.

[Owl]

That's one of the biggest mindset differences I see on this forum than anywhere else, WWIU.

 

I'm not sure why, and I don't mean it as an insult, but it seems to me that the posters here seem far more willing to passively hope for something better than to take action to make their lives better themselves.

 

KM, to me, this is EXACTLY what you need to be doing...rather than passively hope for a positive change...why not ACT to make one happen?

[KismetGirl]

Yeah, me and him did the no sex thing for a while, he still came around, just to have lunch with me and sit with me and hug me and kiss me, and that was it, very platonic. I get more confused when we do more "relationshipy" things anyway. Keeping it just sex is tough on me to a degree, but its somewhat easier to seperate. Out of the four years of our A, we only have had sex for the last 10 months of it. So obviously, it's not always been about sex for me OR for him.

 

No matter how many times I say he loves his wife and you can have a happy life without feeling complete, people like the above poster feel a need to tell me he's madly in love with her. Because, obviously, ji3 or whatever his/her name is above, knows more about my MM's relationship with his W than I would, seeing as how I've met her and been with him for four years, and this poster above has never met either of them.

 

but i digress, I suppose if im going to vent on a public board, I've got to accept that some idiots will come along to try and make me feel more horrible than i already do instead of trying to help me get past things. But Ive known a long time most people are judgemental without knowing any real details about situations, so really i shouldnt be surprised.

 

His wife's not gonna find out, his kids aren't gonna find out, no one is going to know anything. Eventually I'll meet someone else, I'll find the strength to tell him good bye, and that will be that. Easier said than done and for now I can't do it. Neither can he, apparently. He didn't say goodbye for three years without getting ANY sex from me, so I don't give a s**t about anyone who says that's the only reason he bothers to talk to me. If that's all he got out of seeing me, he wouldn't have bothered for the first three f**king years. Just because he doesnt hate his wife doesnt mean he's in love with her either, and he isn't totally unhappy in his life in general, but people who cheat generally are missing some emotional connection with thier spouse. Go read any book or study done on the matter. most men say that the main reason they cheated wasn't the sex alone, it was the emotional diconnect they felt with this wives, and instead of addressing the problem, they found something to fill that void elsewhere while still keeping their family togehter.

[Owl]

Kismetgirl...nothing in your situation will change unless YOU FORCE a change.

 

He has no reason to change the dynamics of this at all right now...as has been pointed out to you, he's got everything EXACTLY where he wants it.

 

He has you for a few hours each week, and his wife and family the rest of the time.

 

Its exactly what he wants...but the real question here is....WHAT DOES KISMETGIRL WANT?

 

If this is exactly what YOU want too...there's no need for advice or support. You should be happy, ecstatic with how things are going.

 

But you've clearly stated over and over that you're NOT happy with this situation.

 

Given that...what are you doing to force a change? What are you doing to get what YOU want out of this?

 

If the answer is "nothing"...then how can you expect anything different than what's already been going on?

 

If you want something different...you need to do something different to get it.

 

Or you need to do as you've suggested in another thread...and completely change your expectations.

 

FAR FAR easier said than done, I'm afraid.

 

The bottomline is this...are you hurting badly enough to change the situation?

 

Until you decide the answer to that, there isn't a lot of advice or 'support' that can be offered here.

[GreenX]

KM, I feel for you, I really do. With that said, I think (and you do too but you're not willing to do it just yet..) you need to take a break from him in order to clear your head. You are dealing with a lot and this relationship you're having with your MM isn't helping any. You are pushing your 'true' feelings and thoughts aside each and every time your MM comes around. Then, once he leaves, you start to rehash these thoughts which end up making you even more upset.

 

You may not want to admit it because you're trying to see the best out of this situation but remember, you yourself said in other threads aside from this one that it is affecting your health (you're not eating), your schooling (you've set aside studying because you can't concentrate long enough to absorb what you need to), your job (you want to take time off - a months leave iirc to figure out what to do), and your everyday life. You spent a whole weekend agonizing, being depressed, wondering when he'd call next and why he didn't call when he said he would.

 

After seeing him yesterday, your tone has somewhat changed from before. You were angry and confused and now you're back to defending him and his actions/emotions (of which, he doesn't openly share with you) at all costs. You deserve SO much more.

 

I do have a couple questions for you of things you've mentioned before in other threads. Firstly, you wrote before that you were upset that you and MM didn't spend time together (going out to the bar, having a few beers {before you became intimate}) - did this all start to dwindle down after you both became involved sexually? Secondly, it's been brought up over and over in your threads about how your MM must still be in love with his W else he'd leave her.. I'm wondering tho, does she even know that her H is unhappy with her at all? Has he ever (if he's revealed this with you, I've no idea) mentioned that he went to her to try and 'work' out whatever it was that he was missing, i.e., the spark?

 

Also - I read in another thread (so much free-time at work today, yay ) about using protection in A's and you had posted something along the lines of: if you were to have sex with another man other than MM, you'd go back to using condoms so that you would not jeopardize the MM or his W's health. This I agree, smart thinking! But, I couldn't help but think - if you were to have a relationship with another person you'd still consider seeing MM too? With that train of thought I do not see how you can ever heal from this. I hope this was just a general thought and not what you see for your future. It'd certainly be unhealthly and infair for your next partner to continue with this A. With that said - the only TRUE way to move on and hope that someone else comes along that can make you feel the way MM does is to completely separate yourself now from him. It will prepare you for the future and your next catch.

[jj33]

Kismetgirl...nothing in your situation will change unless YOU FORCE a change.

 

He has no reason to change the dynamics of this at all right now...as has been pointed out to you, he's got everything EXACTLY where he wants it.

 

He has you for a few hours each week, and his wife and family the rest of the time.

 

Its exactly what he wants...but the real question here is....WHAT DOES KISMETGIRL WANT?

 

If this is exactly what YOU want too...there's no need for advice or support. You should be happy, ecstatic with how things are going.

 

But you've clearly stated over and over that you're NOT happy with this situation.

 

Given that...what are you doing to force a change? What are you doing to get what YOU want out of this?

 

If the answer is "nothing"...then how can you expect anything different than what's already been going on?

 

If you want something different...you need to do something different to get it.

 

Or you need to do as you've suggested in another thread...and completely change your expectations.

 

FAR FAR easier said than done, I'm afraid.

 

The bottomline is this...are you hurting badly enough to change the situation?

 

Until you decide the answer to that, there isn't a lot of advice or 'support' that can be offered here.

 

I hate to say it (not that I hate to agree with our Wise Owl) but i think Owl is right. Everyone does what they need to do in their own time but I think usually when you start posting its because you want to make some sort of change.

 

People who are in the honey moon phases of an A dont post. How often do you see I am new here I am dating the most wonderful MM in the world and life is great. You dont. Or if you do the cases are rare.

 

Even when people are in the its getting difficult phase I have fallen for him phase they dont post as much or they do but mostly in the hopes of reconfirming their belief that their situation may turn out differently that they will beat the odds.

 

By the time someone is posting alot its usually because they want to make a change or know deep down inside that they should. Particularly if they are posting on LS where its not just other OW and OM who are all lovelorn cheering each other on that each and every one of them will be a success story...

 

So... based on your posts it seems that you are in extreme pain over this. And that while there are circumstantial reasons for staying in it... you love him, your life is incredibly stressful and he is an oasis from the stress or as I used to call it the little ray of sunshine in a world otherwise full of clouds...

 

the pain in your posts belies that. He has become another cloud. I am repeating myself to you but I think it bears repeating:

 

1. There will be no good time to cut this off. You have your internship, your residency etc etc you have put yourself on a course where there are going to be very heavy demands for years to come.

 

Do you want to wake up in another 6 years and say I am still with a MM. His children are growing up. Maybe now maybe when the children leave the house.... maybe maybe... It can be embittering being in an affair. It changes you. Perhaps for the better in some ways if you are very very lucky. But it also changes you for the worse. You lose your innocence. And you may say its already gone but the longer you are in it the more it eats at your self esteem.

 

2. Doctor heal thyself. You are going to have to do the same things your addicts do when they go cold turkey.

 

You will eventually have to steel yourself against the thing you love most because it is the thing that is bringing you unbearable pain.

 

Its like you are a diabetic and he is a vat of cotton candy.You may love it. But its bad for you.

 

I am not saying its easy. And truth be told MM was the one who walked away from me when it ended. Yes he has tried to come back several times since then, (but again on the same terms in an A). But he did the unthinkable he walked away because he did not have enough to offer me and wanted to give me a chance to move on...

 

I was in a haze for weeks. Couldnt sleep couldnt think (can always eat sadly). It was incredibly hard. I am suggesting you do something that I didnt have the strength to do myself even tho it was tearing me apart.

 

I was you a year and and some months ago. Devastated by the fact that I was in an A that wasnt meeting my needs but unable to let it go. Crying depressed etc. Checking my phone all the time able to think about nothing much other than him in the weeks before it ended when I realized it wasnt ever going to offer me what I wanted.

 

And then right after we split up he came back and started talking about leaving and marrying me.... and then he decided he couldnt ... and then he came back again... and then he changed his mind again...

 

When I started posting it was because we had put it all aside 5 months earlier and he was still acting like we were together but just not having sex... and then I called for as total an NC as I could manage given our work situation. And then things started to change. And yes he tried to come back again... but I nipped it in the bud within 5 minutes....

 

You have to start somewhere KG. But you have to be ready. Until that time you are where you are.

[whichwayisup]

Eventually I'll meet someone else, I'll find the strength to tell him good bye

Honestly, how do you think you'll do that when you're inlove with the guy? There is NO way you'll find another man to steal your heart as long as you're with the MM.

[Ronni_W]

I just feel very confused, and im not sure why, since he didn't tell me anything today that I don't already know.

Well, he *kind of* did, perhaps? At least, seems he gave you confirmation of some/most/all that you have been thinking.

 

Kind of, if there was a part where he was trying to snow you/string you along before, he's not doing that any more.

And if there was a part clinging to some faint hope that he may leave his wife sometime soon, that part now knows how highly unlikely that is.

 

So, it's "new" in that now it is your 'information' instead of just your nagging suspicion -- if that makes sense?

 

Hugs.

[KismetGirl]

Honestly, how do you think you'll do that when you're inlove with the guy? There is NO way you'll find another man to steal your heart as long as you're with the MM.

 

Argh, i really dont know what to think anymore. When me and MM started the NC thing, I found someone else, within a few months I guess, on one of my frequent trips to London, and we got on so well that the guy pretty much flew back and forth to see me every couple of weeks, and it was going good for nearly most of the time I had NC with MM and was the first time in over 2 years that i was able to go more than one day without thinking about MM. Coincidentally, or not, just like MM the guy I found was also same age range, also English, also smart and funny and had similiar features....but alas, was not MM. But I reallly liked this guy very, very much, and I think we might have still been dating had he not lived, well, in England and I coudlnt promise Id move over there anytime soon at the time.

 

But even when I had NC with the freaking guy (MM) I was still subconsciously looking for someone like him. It's like he's ingrained himself into my heart, my head, my everything. I tried, I really did. didn't speak to him for a year other than a two line email to say happy birthday. You're going to think I am an absolute nutter, which is probably right in some ways, but every guy I've dated in the past five years almost has been English. Im smart enough to notice this is an obvious ploy on my subconscious' part to find an MM replacement, but I swear, I havent been really attracted to one guy from my own country in ages. I mean, don't get me wrong, i always had a bit of anglophilia, but it was never like this before I met MM.

 

So in some ways youre right , he does prevent me from being as open to other guys, but I am open to it , it just doesn't happen very often I must admit. Dunno what to do anymore sometimes. How long is it spposed to take? One year or a bit more of NC wasn't enough to make me get over him completely before we both came falling back to each other. That's why I keep saying I wish I had someone else to distract me. at least when i was seeing the other guy in England, even though he wasn't HERE with me all the time, I really liked him and so I was able to sort of forget about MM on a conscious level. When me and England-guy broke up, however, guess who was the first person I thought of and decided to call to say "hello", and the one "hello" turned into him asking me to lunch and there you have it, 10 months later and we're at it full force, more than we ever were in the past. Its effin torture....how can one person have such a hold on you?

[Geishawhelk]

Argh....how can one person have such a hold on you?

 

By you giving them control.

Take it back and run your show the way you'd want to.

[GreenX]

During that year of NC with the MM, did he ever try to contact you? Or, was the 2 lined e-mail the only contact that you two shared?

[2sunny]

Not sure if this is a revelation of sorts on his part? Argh

 

what did the MM have a revelation about?

 

i don't understand how this question fits into the original post.

 

seems that you are searching for your own revelation... not him. if you're not searching for the revelation - it may be a good place to start.

 

he's not leaving his W

he's not in love with you

he will use you as long as you allow it

 

maybe that's enough to start with... good luck.

[KismetGirl]

During that year of NC with the MM, did he ever try to contact you? Or, was the 2 lined e-mail the only contact that you two shared?

 

yeah....he emailed me on my birthday, which is four months before his , to tell me he's sorry he couldn't be there with me on my birthday this year, but that things were still "really f**ked up at home". (Earlier that year, his W had found evidence suggesting he might have cheated, it wasn't concrete, but enough to make her pissed off, I guess. He had told me, after she found out, that they had had a talk of some kind and realized they had issues to address in their marraige. Apparentl, their discussions didn't do much, cause here he is again....

[Owl]

Hmmm....did he ever spell out exactly what that evidence was? I ask, because since the two of you were NC, it makes me wonder if he WAS cheating with someone else.

 

I agree with all the advice you've been given about taking back control.