Married women - Is this typical?

[suubplot]

I have been married for almost 15 years and love every aspect of my life with my wife. We had our first son 12 years ago and that is when I noticed some changes in our intimate life.

 

Before kids, we were adventurous and "fun" with our intimate moments. My wife like to try new things and we enjoyed finding out what made each other tick. She had a VERY strong sex drive and we were intimate about 5 times per week for the first three years. When my wife was pregnant with our first child our sex life got even better. However, once he was born that all seemed to go away.

 

12 years later, our sex life has become less than cold. My wife never initiates intimacy anymore and when we are intimate it is nothing more than a dance of me trying to avoid the things she dosen't like (don't touch my breasts, don't kiss me, that's uncomfortable, don't touch me there, etc). 9 out of 10 times she simply says, "let's just have a quickie" even though we have all the time in the world. It really makes me feel like I am just masturbating with her there...since it is very one sided.

 

I don't want it to sound too critical on her...she was very inexperienced when we got married (she was a virgin and only had a few boy friends before me). The problem is that currently she talks a big talk when the time is not appropriate. If the kids are around or we our in a social environment she will whisper to me what she wants to do to me when we are alone...but every time we finally get alone something comes up. She gets a head ache, she dosne't feel good, she's tired...and the old "let's just have a quickie" comes out again.

 

For me, the biggest erotic pleasure is to know SHE is being pleased. I would have no problem doing anything to giver her an "O" as that is what really turns me on. But no matter what I do or say, she says no to her having an "O". If I ask twice, she says I should just be happy with what I have and that most men don't have it so good.

 

I'm very confused and frustrated. She looks AMAZING and truly becomes more beautiful and appealing every day. Other men notice her (even other women notice her) and I find myself becoming more and more depressed about our intimate life.

 

She sometimes says that her hormones are changing as she gets older and she dosen't know what to do about it. I hate to bring it up because it ends up making her feel bad and me depressed.

 

Are there any married women out there that have experienced this same thing? As I get older, my drive is going up and her's is going down. What can I do to change things.

 

Any honest advice would be very helpful.

 

Thanks

[Geishawhelk]

Google 'lack of libido in women'.

You'll be amazed at the satatistics.

Around 43 - 50% of women go off sex.

It's normal. (or half normal ).

But I understand how frustrating it can be, so you need to really discuss this openly.

The one thing that will help her is to know that you really do understand, and that there's no pressure on her in any way for her to 'come up with the goods'.

Once you manage to get that honestly into her head, it may be easier for her to - come up with the goods.

 

My 2 cents.

[suubplot]

no pressure on her in any way for her to 'come up with the goods'.

 

I work very hard to make sure I am not presuring her. I know that when we are both participating...it is an amazing experience. The problem is she just never wants to participate. She has casually mentioned that maybe she should talk to her doctor...but that has never happened.

[angie2443]

Her hormonel levels could be checked and this would be a starting point at least. How is her energy level when it comes to other things besides sex?

[whichwayisup]

She sometimes says that her hormones are changing as she gets older and she dosen't know what to do about it. I hate to bring it up because it ends up making her feel bad and me depressed.

 

She needs to see her family Dr and just make sure everything is OK, healthwise. It could be hormones changing, or a thyroid problem, or possibly depression as well.

 

Outside of the bedroom, your relationship is good? More or less?

[Lizzie60]

I think this is 'normal' as most women lose their sex drive after a certain age... or being with the same man for a long time.

 

It happened to me with my first ex.. but as soon as I separated.. I went on a sexual rampage.. I got my libido back.. haven't lost it yet..

 

It's hard to say... some things might trigger some sex drive.. (people around, music, all that when it's not a good time for sex).. then when it's time.. the drive is gone..

 

I think, IMO, in her case, it's just gone.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

For me, lack of drive went along with two things: wacky hormones after pregnancy, and simply despising my husband. I was pregnant so much, it's hard to tell when one problem fell off and the other began.

 

I can tell you this, though, that may spark some good news for you: I made a real attempt to have sex more often, and it has increased my drive incredibly. So a seemingly 'gone' drive can be reinstated. 12 years is a long time, buddy. I wish you much luck, and please, along with the suggestion that she see her doctor, also take a look at the emotional intimacy between you two. Women need to feel an emotional connection before physical intimacy, and men typically feel it after-the-deed, and it took learning that to give me the kick in the pants to boff him.

[Al_Bundy]

One other possibility, especially since she doesn't want you to "touch her there", etc.

 

Do you suspect she may be having an affair?

[suubplot]

She needs to see her family Dr and just make sure everything is OK, healthwise. It could be hormones changing, or a thyroid problem, or possibly depression as well.

 

Outside of the bedroom, your relationship is good? More or less?

 

Outside of the bedroom our relationship is great. We have lots of fun together and enjoy things quite a bit. However, I am having a harder and harder time keeping the intimacy issues from affecting my day to day outlook. I am a VERY upbeat and outgoing personality and just love life. But I've noticed that after so many years of this it's just starting to weigh my down.

 

It's kind of funny, but I remember when I was in college hearing a professor in one of my classes (human sexuality class) say that men hit thier primes in their early twenties and women in their early thirties (in terms of sexual desire). I guess I'm just worried that she never hit her's and that this is something I will just have to come to grips with.

 

I love her very much and I know she does me as well. Emotionally, we have an outstanding relationship. I know she is not having an affair (one poster mentioned that) and that she loves me very much. It just seems that this one portion of her life has gone away. I would very much like to get it back for her (I know...men are always trying to be the "fixer").

[suubplot]

I can tell you this, though, that may spark some good news for you: I made a real attempt to have sex more often, and it has increased my drive incredibly. So a seemingly 'gone' drive can be reinstated.

 

We read an article about a book that is out where the author and his wife had sex for 101 days straight...it was a very interesting article. We decided a couple of months ago to try and have sex every day for 30 days. She was very much on board with the idea and, in fact, is the one who brought it up. After day 10 she was clearly not into it anymore and made a comment that "that much sex made her want it even less".

[2sunny]

you are acknowledging many areas of your life together - both good and bad - and i commend you for this honesty.

 

when you say that other than sex, things are good... but can they be better? from a woman's perspective, at times we are completely overwhelmed but don't want to ask for help or admit that we aren't perfect. then we don't have any energy left for the fun stuff.

 

there are so many mundane daily tasks that have to get done - is there any way to help her out without her asking you? she will appreciate it - i guarantee it. do laundry, sweep/vacuum the floor, do the dishes, take out the trash, make dinner, stop at the market/ dry cleaners, take your child to his sports or after school obligations, work in the yard or pick up a mess you see as you walk into the room.

 

other than that... try giving her a backrub without initiating sex, or just massaging her feet while you're watching tv, give her a card with a nice note you've written or some perfume you like.

 

these may seem trivial, but it's a start... and a new start is what you need. if you need to - just ask her straight out what she needs help with... then be happy to do what she says.

 

does this even make sense? it would be easier if i knew what your day to day life was like...

[Moose]

I guess I'm just worried that she never hit her's and that this is something I will just have to come to grips with.

Welcome to my world friend.

 

You will have to come to, "grips" with this.....but it really isn't that bad....trust me.

 

I was like you, (before I came here) and in all honesty, I've just accepted that our drive differs, but only from time to time.

 

There may be days, weeks and sometimes months in which we won't have sex, and she never does initiate.....ever.

 

Our relationship outside of the marriage bed FAR out weighs the problems I feel we have inside the marriage bed.

 

She doesn't love or respect you any less than she always have. Our bodies change, and literally every seven years every molecule, (aside from some neurological systems) is replaced by totally new ones.

 

Continue to love her the way you always have, but focus on the little things that she holds important.

 

If you don't know what those are, I would suggest the five love languages by Gary Chapman.....

 

Hang in there.....I know how important sex is to us men, but the women we've chosen to love and will support for life change in time. She could actually wind up being the horniest 70 year old you've ever seen!

[angie2443]

We read an article about a book that is out where the author and his wife had sex for 101 days straight...it was a very interesting article. We decided a couple of months ago to try and have sex every day for 30 days. She was very much on board with the idea and, in fact, is the one who brought it up. After day 10 she was clearly not into it anymore and made a comment that "that much sex made her want it even less".

 

This made me laugh. I think most of need a break once in a while. To even just go for 7 days straight might make you sore and/or exhausted

[angie2443]

Can't edit my last post so I wanted to add this here.

 

I wasn't laughing at you guys. I was just laughing at the idea of having sex for 100 days in a row.

[angie2443]

It's kind of funny, but I remember when I was in college hearing a professor in one of my classes (human sexuality class) say that men hit thier primes in their early twenties and women in their early thirties (in terms of sexual desire). I guess I'm just worried that she never hit her's and that this is something I will just have to come to grips with.

 

 

This may very well be true, but plenty of couples are able to have satisfying sex lives past these ages. I still think she should see a doctor before you go crazy racking your brain trying to figure what the problem is.

 

Is there a chance she is embaressed by this? Could that be why she hasn't seen a doctor yet.

[Geishawhelk]

Is there a chance she is embaressed by this? Could that be why she hasn't seen a doctor yet.

 

There might be a chance she's embarassed... it's probably more a catch 22 situation...

She doesn't feel like sex, and doesn't want to go to see whether there's a biological reason, because it might be true...but she doesn't feel like sex. And she doesnt want to feel like wanting sex. so she doesn't want to know if theree's a reason.

 

It's aaaaaall so much easier this way......

She would also feel as if she's pandering to someone else's desires, and why should she? She doesn't want sex, dammit, why should she go and get seen to simply because it might satisfy someone else's sex drive? Humph!

[whichwayisup]

Question is, does she want to try to figure out what's going on with her so you two can have intimacy again? Or, is she so put off of sex, that she has no desire to get herself checked out?

 

When you talk to her about getting a full physical done, make sure SHE knows it's not just about sex and what could be preventing her from feeling sexual, make it more about her general health - That you're concerned about that. If she feels you're asking her to see the Dr just so your sex life will be better, than she probably won't want to go.

[michelangelo]

it got to the point that she would not be interested in intimacy unless i went to go get her a starbucks coffee. Yeah, pathetic.

 

I went through all the sensitive husband routines, the angry husband routines, all of it. Then it finally made sense. She was still sexual, just not with me.

 

It took a long time to figure it out and still longer to try to repair things (ongoing).

[Jo78]

When and how do you try to initiate it?

 

I love my bf dearly. But when I've just woken up next to a scratchy guy with morning breath who shows me he's ready to go by taking my hand and laying it on his privates - not getting me hot!

 

Neither does it anything for me when I come home from an 8 hour work day and a 1 hour commute, hungry, balancing grocery bags, bills tucked between my teeth, thinking of how the bathroom needs to be cleaned and he never noticed that the dish washer could be emptied - and here is my relaxed SO pulling himself away from the video game he's been playing all day and putting his hand down my pants after a little kissing. No, not going to happen.

 

Now if he pours me a glass of wine at the end of the day, asking me about how my day was, and wants to cuddle, being all fresh showered, shaved and smelling of that after shave that I like... then I'll probably jump him.

 

Alternatively, the baby clothes isle at Target has a similar effect on me. Might not work on your wife anymore though.

[MizzBlue72]

OK Suubplot -

I can relate to your wife. Sometimes I am so tired that I don't want to and the fire has died.

 

One thing your wife may like - have you ever tried giving her an orgasm using your mouth on her? Some women may be timid at first about this, but even if she is tired, etc., you are doing the work, and she will LOVE it.

 

Maybe try romancing her also throughout the day - little love notes here and there, texts that say 'I miss you', etc. Women like that too.

 

Just suggestions on how to get the mojo going again!!

[BentSpine]

I think she never lusted after your body. What she actually wanted was to produce a little copy of herself.

[Mr. Lucky]

Emotionally, we have an outstanding relationship.

While you seem to sincerely feel that this is true, I would question whether her honest answer would be the same. Some aspect of her perception of your marriage is reflected in both her lack of desire and unwillingness to address the problem. There has to be some resentment at work on her side here, otherwise why would she turn her back (no pun intended) on something that was previously so enjoyable for her and currently so important to you ? I mean, you're not suffering in silence, right? She knows how you feel about this?

 

There's a piece of the puzzle missing here...

 

Mr. Lucky