Just Found Out I have a Half Brother

[Land_Of_The_Lost]

I just found out I have a half brother on my father's side from a relationship he had in Okinawa during the Vietnam War. My parents went their separate ways when we were very young and there was little (pretty much none) no contact with my father after. My father died two years ago (found out from a distant cousin), so I really don't have much information on that end. So for the most part I have nothing to go off right now.

 

I would really like to pursue finding my brother. I do not know if he would feel the same. If not, I would respect his wishes.

 

Before I put in the effort, I am wondering if anyone else here on LS has had a similar experience. If yes, were they glad or angry that you were trying to contact them? Any responses would be very helpful. Thank you.

[Touche]

I can't say much to you other than please pursue it. I don't think you'll regret it.

[jerbear]

Before I put in the effort, I am wondering if anyone else here on LS has had a similar experience. If yes, were they glad or angry that you were trying to contact them? Any responses would be very helpful. Thank you.

I'm still debating that on my end.

 

I would like to meet the other half but it would also involve meeting with the other parent who was not in my life. He chose when to enter when he was low, bored, or single.

[Land_Of_The_Lost]

He chose when to enter when he was low, bored, or single.

 

Thank you for the responses. My thought, regardless of how they (our family) came to be, why should we be denied a family bond that could have a positive impact on our lives? My worry, they are still the angry person that wants absolutely nothing to do with a parent that wanted nothing to do with them ...

[Touche]

Thank you for the responses. My thought, regardless of how they (our family) came to be, why should we be denied a family bond that could have a positive impact on our lives? My worry, they are still the angry person that wants absolutely nothing to do with a parent that wanted nothing to do with them :confused:...

 

Sorry, I don't get that. I really don't.

 

You're right to say that you shouldn't be denied a family bond.

 

What have you got to lose? It may turn out badly but then again it may turn out well. Be prepared for the worst. If it turns out well then you'll never regret it.

[Land_Of_The_Lost]

Sorry, I don't get that. I really don't. .

 

That is a good thing. This means there is a good chance you have not experienced it firsthand since the fear, anger and resentment are typically textbook. I find it interesting that there are probably some people here on LS who have firsthand knowledge of this question, and they have not responded. So, one last time, for anyone that has been on the receiving end of this kind of information, what was your response when a sibling (half or full) you did not know contacted you?? If there is no response, I will know the true value of LS. Thanks.

[Ronni_W]

My worry, they are still the angry person that wants absolutely nothing to do with a parent that wanted nothing to do with them ...

Are you saying that you know for sure that your half-brother was, at some point, angry at your/his dad (I'm guessing for leaving him and his mom behind)?

 

In any event, as you say, his anger was directed at your dad, not at you. No, you can't be sure that your half-brother won't hold you responsible for your dad's actions...but what is your gut telling you are the chances of that actually happening?

 

If you do decide to "put in the effort" as you said in your first post, would it be more to satisfy a curiosity or more with the real hope that you will be given the chance build a strong connection and relationship with this human being who shares your bloodline on your father's side?

[Touche]

That is a good thing. This means there is a good chance you have not experienced it firsthand since the fear, anger and resentment are typically textbook. I find it interesting that there are probably some people here on LS who have firsthand knowledge of this question, and they have not responded. So, one last time, for anyone that has been on the receiving end of this kind of information, what was your response when a sibling (half or full) you did not know contacted you?? If there is no response, I will know the true value of LS. Thanks.

 

Boy, you sure jump to many conclusions here. Don't be so sure about what you're saying, k?

 

Your measurement for assessing the "true value of LS" is absolutely ridiculous by the way.

 

Stick around and see if I'm wrong on that.

[signedin2008]

I have few questions:

 

1) How old are you and how old is this brother of yours?

 

2) Is your brother mixed race?

 

3) Where does he live now?

 

4) Do you have any other siblings or half-siblings?

[The Collector]

I'm adopted. I traced my birth mother when I was 20, and found I also had two full brothers (one of whom has the same first name as me, coincidentally. Which is fun) Everything is cool. I also have two half-brothers I have never met, and possibly never will. Oh well. To answer your question, nobody in any part of the equation was angry or unhappy for contact to be made. I suppose if anyone was worried about bitterness it would have been on my part, as the one who was given up for adoption. But I am very happy with the life I've had, so there is no resentment there - though as I got older I relaised there were maybe a few abandonment issues in there somewhere.

 

Your half-brother, IMO, is unlikely to be 'angry' at you and would most likely welcome any contact from you. Unless he's a real jerk, which is possible. You are as much a missing part of his family tree as he is to yours. You are possibly projecting some guilt, but you have done nothing wrong. Go for it.

[Land_Of_The_Lost]

Boy, you sure jump to many conclusions here. Don't be so sure about what you're saying, k?

 

Your measurement for assessing the "true value of LS" is absolutely ridiculous by the way.

 

Stick around and see if I'm wrong on that.

 

My apologies, after reading my response again it does sound pretentious. My intent (note to self, don’t write anything immediately before bed) was to reference the documented and very predictable responses children have to being abandoned. I can see already that you are correct.

[Chinook]

That is a good thing. This means there is a good chance you have not experienced it firsthand since the fear, anger and resentment are typically textbook. I find it interesting that there are probably some people here on LS who have firsthand knowledge of this question, and they have not responded. So, one last time, for anyone that has been on the receiving end of this kind of information, what was your response when a sibling (half or full) you did not know contacted you?? If there is no response, I will know the true value of LS. Thanks.

Okay. I didn't reply because I didn't see this... plus I'm in the UK and my time is a little off from LS time

 

But... I do have first-hand experience of this. Not of a half-sibling but of an adopted sibling. An older sister.

 

The thing I would say to you is that you need to be very very careful. You need to think about not only YOUR need to know your brother... but think about what is going on in their life, how they might deal with it. If you know roughly where your brother is, or there are other family members who can help you, I would involve a third party in order to at the very least give your brother a heads up that he has a sibling. That way you're letting him decide at that point whether he wants to take it any further.

 

My sister decided to contact my family out of the blue. She didn't just contact my Mother, she contacted me, my younder sister, my Grandma etc. I can understand that she wanted to know her family. But she didn't take account of the huge great bowling ball it would throw into our lives. I had been sick (very sick) a few years previously - so then to discover that I WASN'T the oldest child... kinda bit hard. Add into that the issue that my Mother treated me pretty badly as I was growing up, had major issues for me - because I simply was never the child she 'lost' (she was made to have the child adopted - too long to go into here). What I'm saying to you is, your brother will know who his father is most likely, he will also know that father is likely to have had a family... so I'd be asking myself, why doesnt HE also want to know who you are..? You need to be prepared for the fact that he may simply not want to know at all. For me, I wish my adopted-sister would have contacted my Mother and left it at that. I understood her need for knowing her birth Mother... but she wrecked my life. My Mother is no longer talking to me because she thinks I'm jealous and attention-seeking when that's far from it. My Mother also pretty much ostracised me from the rest of my family in favour of my older sister. That wouldn't have happened had she not come along strutting into our lives causing trouble. She should have made contact with my Mother and then stayed away... but the thing is, she wanted what she wanted. She had no thought of what her contacting other members of the family would do. Now, there's a huge family rift relating back to when this kid was born and what happened back then. All this could have been avoided if she hadn't been so careless. If she had used an adoption agency and they approached me, I would have simply said 'no, thanks for the offer, but no'. As it was, I wasn't given a choice.

[Land_Of_The_Lost]

In any event, as you say, his anger was directed at your dad, not at you. No, you can't be sure that your half-brother won't hold you responsible for your dad's actions...but what is your gut telling you are the chances of that actually happening?

 

 

I know almost nothing about this half brother except the very few details (about where and when he was born) my sister provided me. I am late thirties and my guess is he would be around mid-forties. My biggest concern is this half brother wanting to know all about his biological father.

 

It’s not a pretty picture to paint for anyone. It has taken me and my two sisters a very long time to come to grips with who our father was, and what he did to his family, before he walked out on us. If asked (and I’m sure it would be) how would you explain that to a son who has never met him? For all we know, this half brother has worked years to deal with his own issues and has built this idealistic image of his biological father to help cope.

 

I have always wanted a brother. I grew up as the only boy (mother and two sisters), currently my wife and I have two daughters (even the dog is female) and my work department is all women??? Not that there is anything wrong with having pretty much only females in your life, but come on???

 

Thank you for the insight Collector. I’m curious, have you tried to find your half-brothers, and would your perception have changed had you found out your birth parent(s) were less than desirable people?

[Land_Of_The_Lost]

Okay. I didn't reply because I didn't see this... plus I'm in the UK and my time is a little off from LS time

 

But... I do have first-hand experience of this. Not of a half-sibling but of an adopted sibling. An older sister.

 

The thing I would say to you is that you need to be very very careful. You need to think about not only YOUR need to know your brother... but think about what is going on in their life, how they might deal with it. If you know roughly where your brother is, or there are other family members who can help you, I would involve a third party in order to at the very least give your brother a heads up that he has a sibling. That way you're letting him decide at that point whether he wants to take it any further.

 

My sister decided to contact my family out of the blue. She didn't just contact my Mother, she contacted me, my younder sister, my Grandma etc. I can understand that she wanted to know her family. But she didn't take account of the huge great bowling ball it would throw into our lives. I had been sick (very sick) a few years previously - so then to discover that I WASN'T the oldest child... kinda bit hard. Add into that the issue that my Mother treated me pretty badly as I was growing up, had major issues for me - because I simply was never the child she 'lost' (she was made to have the child adopted - too long to go into here). What I'm saying to you is, your brother will know who his father is most likely, he will also know that father is likely to have had a family... so I'd be asking myself, why doesnt HE also want to know who you are..? You need to be prepared for the fact that he may simply not want to know at all. For me, I wish my adopted-sister would have contacted my Mother and left it at that. I understood her need for knowing her birth Mother... but she wrecked my life. My Mother is no longer talking to me because she thinks I'm jealous and attention-seeking when that's far from it. My Mother also pretty much ostracised me from the rest of my family in favour of my older sister. That wouldn't have happened had she not come along strutting into our lives causing trouble. She should have made contact with my Mother and then stayed away... but the thing is, she wanted what she wanted. She had no thought of what her contacting other members of the family would do. Now, there's a huge family rift relating back to when this kid was born and what happened back then. All this could have been avoided if she hadn't been so careless. If she had used an adoption agency and they approached me, I would have simply said 'no, thanks for the offer, but no'. As it was, I wasn't given a choice.

 

I am very sorry about your situation Chinook, and this has confirmed my concern... I really like using the third party idea. Thank you for the valuable feedback!!

[Chinook]

I do think everyone's situation is different and I didn't write half the cr@p that went down in my family situ... but my main point was give your brother the choice at the very least rather than simply turning up into his life. He may have things going on which are hard to deal with, he may welcome you with open arms... you won't know which, but you're the one who has control over it... at least give him the time to think and to choose. Also.. if you guys do have contact, take things slowly... don't push or force things because its a huge thing to deal with. We see it all the time on TV programmes long lost siblings reunited, but in essence we have no clue how huge a deal it is, not until it's our turn. I really wish you luck with it. I hope it turns out well.