GoGators2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Some History: My ex and I broke up about 4 weeks ago, she dumped me said she doesn't have time for a relationship right now but said we could try to get back together later on down the line. Until yesterday, for about 3 weeks I NC'd her, ignored her phone calls, text msgs, etc. She lives about 1.5 hrs away from me. So I break the NC a few days back via text to let her know that I'll be in town for my friend's birthday and she is very happy. That night as I'm on my way she calls me and asks me why I've been avoiding her, that she's been calling me texting me a lot, so I told her that I've been busy that's all. So I get there we have lunch, it's a little awkward at first but we broke the ice. Chit chat here and there nothing serious. I insisted separate pay VIGOROUSLY, but she insisted VIGOROUSLY that she pays, so she did. We went to the mall, she kept asking me for hugs and kept asking why I'm distanced, not as talkative, if I'm mad at her etc., I just tell her I don't know what she's talking about that I'm completely fine, which I was, it's just I didn't act like her boyfriend all lovey dovey. So later that night, we got out for some ice cream and went for a long walk. I told her basically that as much as I respected ur decision to be single, u have to respect my decision to not wanna be friends with you. It's not that I hate you, I don't wanna care about you anymore. She starts b1tchin like you don't care about me? You don't even wanna talk to me anymore and she's very sad at this point. I told her I think that's the best way is if we minimized contact altogether. I told her I'm not a spineless gutless person like all her ex who stays in contact with her and that I'm not gonna be her revolving door. So I walk her to her car and we get to talking and she tells me all her problems in her life. I figure I'd listen since I'm there anyways, but I must admit I still care a lot for this girl and when she told me her problems, I sympathesized with her. I told her she's a beautiful girl don't let people bring down her self esteem all this ****. So then we start making out like crazy, for a good hour on and off, talking then making out, touching/sucking boobs, no sex though, we were in the car. So it's 3 and she's tired and wants to go home, whatever. The next morning I go over there, sit on the bed, she invites me to lay next to her. So I do and she gives me the go to do whatever I want, and she loves it, so we end up having sex. We hang out some more afterwards, go to the movies, she paid for the movies, the movie was excellent. Depart ways and here I am. My question is: We're not back together but I think I'm still interested in her, not as much as before, but I want her to come to me because I'm never chasing her again, so... Should I go back to NC with her to see how she reacts? Or Keep in touch with her as a "friend"? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Konfuzion Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 So you gave into her and gave her exactly what she wanted, which was to prove to herself that you are still there for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoGators2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Author Share Posted October 16, 2008 So you gave into her and gave her exactly what she wanted, which was to prove to herself that you are still there for her. In a way I guess...but answer my question then. Link to post Share on other sites
SushiX Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Sucking boobs lol. Haven't heard that in a while.. Anyways, it sounds like you still want to be with her. But she's not sure what she wants now. She's probably playing the field. If you don't mind friends with benefits then coo, just be ready when she dumps you for the next guy. Link to post Share on other sites
IrishCarBomb Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Should I go back to NC with her to see how she reacts? Or Keep in touch with her as a "friend"? Thanks. Move on. You're obsessing over her. All you'll do is drive yourself crazy, drive her away, and miss the new opportunities surrounding you. Link to post Share on other sites
Sysyphus28 Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 And the cycle continues. SHe's got ya' bullseye............ throw this one to dogs........ Sometimes women can be awful Link to post Share on other sites
broken_arrow Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 By your talk I suppose you are around 17-20, right ? Seems like you still want to be with her, so why not tell her that and see how it goes. If she refuses but you can still do the "friends with benefits" things without having any more expectations from her, go ahead... Been there, done that with my ex who also happened to have a bf at that time and it was good at first, however it gets unbearable if you start to fall for her again and she is distant (the reason I stopped it). Final words : PROCEED WITH CAUTION ! Link to post Share on other sites
bubblegum Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Why is important to you to "never chase her again?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoGators2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Author Share Posted October 16, 2008 Move on. You're obsessing over her. All you'll do is drive yourself crazy, drive her away, and miss the new opportunities surrounding you. How am I obsessing her? Did you even read what I wrote? By your talk I suppose you are around 17-20, right ? Seems like you still want to be with her, so why not tell her that and see how it goes. If she refuses but you can still do the "friends with benefits" things without having any more expectations from her, go ahead... Been there, done that with my ex who also happened to have a bf at that time and it was good at first, however it gets unbearable if you start to fall for her again and she is distant (the reason I stopped it). Final words : PROCEED WITH CAUTION ! No I'm not 17-20, I'm studying to go to grad school. Anyways...she didn't leave me for other guys, I know that for certain, so let's get that out the way for all the guys who're giving bitter advice because they got cheated on. She's just extremely busy right now and can't put in the time or energy for a commitment and I respected that. I'm not looking for "friends with benefits" it's just when we physically see each other, there's that connection. I'm not gonna fall for her again, nor am I going to ask her for anything because I'm not gonna waste my time if she's not ready to. Also, I'm not gonna contact her until she contacts me first, which is what I did for the last month or so, and she's all of a sudden become real needy/clingy. I'm just gonna drop a few clues here and there that I still care about her to a certain extent but not to a point where she takes it for granted like she used to. Why is important to you to "never chase her again?" Because I'm done with that. If anything I'm gonna let her chase me. I'm not gonna chase her for the sake of my self esteem and because I really don't have to because that crazy love I had for her is no longer there. If she wants to get back together, she'll let me know. Also, because if I chase her, she'll distance herself because chicks don't like needy guys, so like I said before I'm gonna let her come to me and we'll see how it goes from there. I know she still loves me but sometimes every "couple" needs time apart to evaluate their relationship, and based on that we can both figure out if we should get back together or not in due course. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoGators2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Author Share Posted October 16, 2008 Can somebody answer my question? Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 I think one of the hardest things about staying nc with an ex gf is that they'll sometimes dangle sex in front of you, and its hard to turn down. I think one thing I learned from my last ex when this happens is that even though Im sure you feel like in your heart the sex could mean something else, it could also just be about sex. Some girls dont want to feel like a tramp by marching out to the bar when they need a fix, and ex's are the perfect solution. I'm not saying thats it, and she only wanted to get laid, but here is a point I bring up all the time: why would any woman who was interested in a guy let that guy walk and risk losing him forever? I would go NC and see what kind of an effort she makes. Maybe she'll realize the error of her ways, but dont make it easy for her. I'm sure its hard not to give her a call, but she absolutely has to do all the chasing, and I would ignore anything that didn't seem important (forwards, etc). You cant let her have her cake and eat it, too. You want a relationship, she wants friends. Don't let her have her way at your emmotional expense. If it doesnt work for both of you (and trust me, sex aside, this friendship isnt working for you), then what's the point? As soon as she meets someone else, and she will, you'll be left in the cold if you allow this to continue. Whatever happens down the road, right now this isnt a good idea for you. It has to be all or nothing, no if/ands/buts. Right now, she wants to heal by using you as a crutch. You dont need that. Link to post Share on other sites
lofi_tokyo Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 [quote=BCCA;1886467. Some girls dont want to feel like a tramp by marching out to the bar when they need a fix, and ex's are the perfect solution. I'm not saying thats it, and she only wanted to get laid, but here is a point I bring up all the time: why would any woman who was interested in a guy let that guy walk and risk losing him forever? You've got it bang on BCCA! She slept with you because its just less slutty to sleep with someone you know than to sleep with some random from a bar. Furthermore, if you now the person, if you've slept with them before, you get that temporary fix of not only getting sex, but you also get to feel that level of intimacy and closeness you cannot get by sleeping with someone you hardly know. You were her fix. You're not someone shes going to date right now, because if that was the case, she would be dating you RIGHT NOW! If I had a boy totally willing to date me, and we were sleeping together, and I wanted to date him? ID BE DATING HIM! How silly would I have to be? We like eachother, we wanna date, and were already sleeping together! But shes not dating you. So that means shes not willing to date you. Friendship wise, I don't think its healthy just yet. Link to post Share on other sites
bubblegum Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 I don't think broken arrow was suggesting that she left you for other guys, I think the point was that if you do the FWB thing and she suddenly ends that with you because she's met someone that she's interested in dating/developing a relationship with, you might get hurt again. As for your questions, you don't want to be friends with her, so why act like you do? If the reason you put quotes around "friend" was because you were implying FWB then go for it, if you can handle it, but seeing that you said that you're still interested in her, even though not as much as before I'd say go slow with it and pay close attention to your feelings when you see her. It's hard to tell if she's just checking to make sure you were there for her IF she wanted you (ego thing) or if she's interested in reconciling. If you want reconciliation, then NC or very, very LC might be the way to go, since she reached out to you after some NC, and more important, since NC seems to have given you some needed distance and growth (you're not so clingy and over the initial hurt). Link to post Share on other sites
Federica Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Threads merged. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoGators2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Author Share Posted October 16, 2008 I think one of the hardest things about staying nc with an ex gf is that they'll sometimes dangle sex in front of you, and its hard to turn down. I think one thing I learned from my last ex when this happens is that even though Im sure you feel like in your heart the sex could mean something else, it could also just be about sex. Some girls dont want to feel like a tramp by marching out to the bar when they need a fix, and ex's are the perfect solution. I'm not saying thats it, and she only wanted to get laid, but here is a point I bring up all the time: why would any woman who was interested in a guy let that guy walk and risk losing him forever? I would go NC and see what kind of an effort she makes. Maybe she'll realize the error of her ways, but dont make it easy for her. I'm sure its hard not to give her a call, but she absolutely has to do all the chasing, and I would ignore anything that didn't seem important (forwards, etc). She wasn't dangling sex in front of me, we were in the bed cuddling, one thing led to another, I initiated sex cuz I was horny lol but she didn't resist whatsoever so. BTW, my ex is not the type of girl that meets guys at bars, in fact, she hates even dancing with guys that she doesn't know. She's very conservative with that stuff, so the whole she just wants you for sex thing is not even close to what happened. I am going to take your advice and go NC and see what effort she makes. She knows that we're more than "friends" as she admitted to this already, however, I'm not going to be her revolving door either like I said before. I will never do the initiating, but I kinda felt bad going NC for 3 wks but it works because for once she missed me more than I missed her, like she called/texted/asked me to spend the night/etc. People always want what they can't have. You've got it bang on BCCA! She slept with you because its just less slutty to sleep with someone you know than to sleep with some random from a bar. Furthermore, if you now the person, if you've slept with them before, you get that temporary fix of not only getting sex, but you also get to feel that level of intimacy and closeness you cannot get by sleeping with someone you hardly know. You were her fix. You're not someone shes going to date right now, because if that was the case, she would be dating you RIGHT NOW! If I had a boy totally willing to date me, and we were sleeping together, and I wanted to date him? ID BE DATING HIM! How silly would I have to be? We like eachother, we wanna date, and were already sleeping together Completely wrong and I'm not saying that cuz I'm in denial, it's just she's not that type of person. We are out on "dates" you could say cuz we hold hands and do everything a normal couple does, and we're more connected than "friends with benefits" emotionally. Not really sure what we are, all I know is I'm not chasing her, I'm gonna let her chase me, I'm never gonna initiate a conversation, if she wants to get back together, we can talk, in the meantime if I find a girl I like, nothing will hold me back either. I don't think broken arrow was suggesting that she left you for other guys, I think the point was that if you do the FWB thing and she suddenly ends that with you because she's met someone that she's interested in dating/developing a relationship with, you might get hurt again. As for your questions, you don't want to be friends with her, so why act like you do? If the reason you put quotes around "friend" was because you were implying FWB then go for it, if you can handle it, but seeing that you said that you're still interested in her, even though not as much as before I'd say go slow with it and pay close attention to your feelings when you see her. It's hard to tell if she's just checking to make sure you were there for her IF she wanted you (ego thing) or if she's interested in reconciling. If you want reconciliation, then NC or very, very LC might be the way to go, since she reached out to you after some NC, and more important, since NC seems to have given you some needed distance and growth (you're not so clingy and over the initial hurt). I don't wanna be friends with her, but maybe have very little contact because we've been together for over a year and I do care about her and I can't just say "oh f u" when she calls or texts, although I can say I was too busy lol. I will definitely go slow and see how she reacts and how I react. It's really hard to see if she's checking up on me or is interested in reconciling because it wasn't just a "hey how u doin," I mean there was some of that too but she also called me because her house was empty and she wanted me to come and spend a few nights there. NC has definitely given me not only distance and growth but I was also able to regain some self-esteem that I'd lost when we "broke up." I'm doin very LC or NC...depends on the situations and how things play out. Link to post Share on other sites
lofi_tokyo Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Completely wrong and I'm not saying that cuz I'm in denial, it's just she's not that type of person. We are out on "dates" you could say cuz we hold hands and do everything a normal couple does, and we're more connected than "friends with benefits" emotionally. Not really sure what we are, all I know is I'm not chasing her, I'm gonna let her chase me, I'm never gonna initiate a conversation, if she wants to get back together, we can talk, in the meantime if I find a girl I like, nothing will hold me back either. Maybe I made her sound sluttier than intended. You may be out on dates, but you're not together, and shes sleeping with you. Shes getting her cake and eating it took. She gets that emotional and sexual fix but does not have to give you anything in return. So yeah, its definately more than friends with benefits, but its not a healthy relationship. If you were dating, you and her would be together, but you're not. You're not sure what you are? The answer is simple: not dating! You're broken up! Yup, you can throw in all the great breakup sex you want, or the cute things you're doing together, but if she wanted you I think she'd say so... so lets hope she says something soon. Otherwise, walk away, though its more than just sex, its definitely not not NOT a committed relationship. Ask yourself what you want out of her - probably something more than how shes treating you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoGators2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Author Share Posted October 18, 2008 Maybe I made her sound sluttier than intended. You may be out on dates, but you're not together, and shes sleeping with you. Shes getting her cake and eating it took. She gets that emotional and sexual fix but does not have to give you anything in return. So yeah, its definately more than friends with benefits, but its not a healthy relationship. If you were dating, you and her would be together, but you're not. So I don't get that emotional and sexual fix? And what do you mean not give me anything in return? Is there more to relationships than emotional and physical bonding? So I don't understand what ur saying. People that go out for 2 weeks consider themselves "dating" so "dating" is a very relative and useless term in my case. You're not sure what you are? The answer is simple: not dating! You're broken up! Yup, you can throw in all the great breakup sex you want, or the cute things you're doing together, but if she wanted you I think she'd say so... so lets hope she says something soon. Otherwise, walk away, though its more than just sex, its definitely not not NOT a committed relationship. Ask yourself what you want out of her - probably something more than how shes treating you. Well, she says she loves me more than as a friend, but is not ready for the commitment of being in a relationship cuz she's so busy; works 6 days a week, full time school, etc. I'm gonna give her all the time and space to think about it, in the meantime I'ma go NC from my end at least for a few weeks, see how that works out. Link to post Share on other sites
bubblegum Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 Well yeah, there's commitment. Security. Future. "dating" does not equal a "relationship." Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoGators2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Author Share Posted October 18, 2008 Well yeah, there's commitment. Security. Future. "dating" does not equal a "relationship." Commitment - I know she's not sleeping with other guys, she won't have sex with somebody unless she is in a relationship and I know that for sure, so that's not the reason for the break up. Security - I don't need security. If anything she's the one that seeks it. Future - To be honest, I'm too young to settle down anyways. And I'll be leaving to another state for graduate school. So as far as future goes, only time can tell, I wasn't planning anything crazy serious anyways ie wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
bubblegum Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 Commitment isn't just about having sex with other people. You're smart enough for grad school, shouldn't you know what commitment is by now? Security, well maybe that's the thing, she needs it and you don't want to give it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoGators2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Author Share Posted October 18, 2008 Commitment isn't just about having sex with other people. You're smart enough for grad school, shouldn't you know what commitment is by now? Security, well maybe that's the thing, she needs it and you don't want to give it? I know she's not ready for a commitment for a relationship due to her crazy life schedule, and I respected that. But the reason why she can't commit is not because she wants to see other people is what I'm trying to say. And she said a part of the reason why she broke up with me was because she hated us being apart, distance wise, because we used to see each other every single day and her becoming emotional of missing me drove her crazy so that's why she wanted time apart. Security of having somebody is prolly her issue because she wants to talk to me about her life and she wants me to talk to her about my life and I just don't do that anymore because I'm no longer her bf and I don't feel like she deserves that really. I don't miss her as much as I did before when we first broke up, I mean I still think about her a lot, not like I wanna be with her, but more like I wonder if she's doing okay, but I think she thinks about me like I wish he was here because she told me when I was NC'ing her (told her I was *busy*) she called me to come spend a few nights with her cuz her house was empty cuz her folks went on a vacation...why the hell would u do that if we're just friends u know? Girls are hard to figure out...BUT every one of em is different too. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 I don't know what you should do - that's kinda tough. Did the two of you not discuss it at all while you were there? I can totally see how this happened but you're so cool and reserved about it that I don't know if you should see her again. It's understandable because she hurt you and break-ups will cause us to disconnect because we're forced to, and because we're going to be protective of ourselves. Which is what I think you're doing and I think that's fine. I think you should just sit back and wait until you hear from her. But I do think the two of you need to talk about it - about whether that weekend meant anything in terms of getting back together. The thing is, I'm not really sure she broke up with you because she felt something was wrong with you, or something was wrong with the relationship. I think she needed to get herself together and she had to make a choice. I'm not sure, just my sense of things. I think there's probably still a lot worth salvaging with her but she has to be ready this time around - and she may not be. And you need to be certain that you're not going to end up right back where you were before. I hope you'll keep us posted as to how you're doing and how you're feeling about things. Link to post Share on other sites
broken_arrow Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 I don't think broken arrow was suggesting that she left you for other guys, I think the point was that if you do the FWB thing and she suddenly ends that with you because she's met someone that she's interested in dating/developing a relationship with, you might get hurt again. Exactly ! I never got cheated, BTW, (not as far as I know anyways) ! Link to post Share on other sites
Danielle46 Posted October 19, 2008 Share Posted October 19, 2008 I am in a similar situation with my boyfriend. We had been dating for a little over 4.5 years. He just recently told me that he has a lot going on and is very stressed. If you read my original post, all the explanation is there. Anyway, because of everything crazy going on in his life right now, he decided that we should just take a break..."break up"...so he can just focus on school. We're both in college and nearing the end of our undergraduate work, so I'm in the same point in my life as you. We're both very stressed with school and so I do understand his point, however I just feel that if he loved me the way he says he does, then he would be trying his best to make time for me. So, like you said, you quit all communication with your girlfriend and she came crawling back once she realized you wont always be that "safety net" she's looking for. I have also come to the conclusion that I'm going to do the same thing with my situation...as much as it will kill me to break current communication with him, I'm thinking maybe it will be for the best, that way he really has time to think everything over. I'm telling you this because I really understand what you're going through. It hasn't been as long for me, as it has for you, but I know the difficulty of enduring this. I believe you when you said that people always want what they can't have...I have so much history with him that it's hard to just drop everything, but I'm sure if I somewhat do, he'll realize that. I don't know that I'm fit to give advice to you because I am pretty distraught myself, but I did want to let you know that you're definitely not alone in this type of situation... =( Link to post Share on other sites
Danielle46 Posted October 19, 2008 Share Posted October 19, 2008 One other thing... my (ex) =( boyfriend feels the same way in terms of feeling guilty not being able to commit the time to me that he used to be able too. For all the time we were dating we pretty much either saw or spoke to each other every day...and now that his life is so hectic, he feels bad and guilty when he can't see me how he used too. And, no matter what I said, how understanding I tried to be, nothing could relieve that guilt from him...so he is basically thinking a long the same lines as your ex, that to just sever all commitment ties will make it easier... Also, like you said, neither one of us are just going to run out to meet new people or whatever, we're both conservative in regards to sexual things. Our break up also did not include the condition of "meeting new people"...so I'm really just as confused as you are. Hopefully knowing that we share a common situation can bring some sort of comfort. =/ Link to post Share on other sites
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