dozer4444 Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Its been 3 weeks since i was told "im done". Married 10+ years with small children. 1st week lots of begging , and I love yous and all the pathitec crying and passive aggressiveness. Still living at home I have to keep cool around my small kids....they have no idea. So I said to myself and thru much thought..Act like nothing is going on...be happy when im there and be nice to my wife...at all cost. Im torn up inside and am dying inside thinking that my time is short and sooner or later she is going to drop the bomb..legal papers...or whatever. So far nothing has been said about the relationship..except for little jesters like do what you want because im gonna do what i want. Which hurt very much. Quick conversation that was. .....there has been no more I love yous from me and no pressure, quite frankly I have not mentioned anything about US in 2 weeks. We talk on the phone during the day 1 or 2 times about the kids in a friendly and civil manner. My question is? Do I write her a letter...telling her that Im sorry for the things I did to cause this breakup and ask for forgiveness? And remind her how much I miss her and love her? or do I just wait it out and see what happens...continuing our routine of just getting by day by day without nothing said relating to us. I think im giving her space respectively ...but I dont want her to think that im moving on .... Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Write her a letter, but don't fawn, crawl or be too humble. It takes two to make a discussion... Maybe you didn't do right by her, but then again, she has to at least give you a chance and meet you part way to discuss stuff. By all means apologise. Step up to the mark. But also suggest counselling. Tell her the counselling would not be to necessarily keep you two together, if that's the way she's made up her mind. you just want to open channels of communication to clear the field..... Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Bird Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 What were the issues that lead to her stating "I'm done."? Was this said in heat of an arguement? I would not advise writing a letter. I would suggest getting a babysitter and sitting down for a face to face conversation where the two of you can focus on the discussion. Look into MC (marriage counseling) and offer that as an opportunity to begin working on your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dozer4444 Posted October 16, 2008 Author Share Posted October 16, 2008 Yes there was an intense argument and dumb things were said. Below the belt stuff like shape up or im going fishing. if you know what i mean. Just desperate fight stuff to push buttons. Did not mean it of course. After that "Im done for good". downhill from there. Im scared of a face to face , I think it would blow up into another fight. I thought a letter would allow me to express my feelings for her and give her time to have the info sink in before ...lol..she call me and lets me have it or..just does not say anything but is reminded of how much I still cared about her. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Its been 3 weeks since i was told "im done". Married 10+ years with small children. 1st week lots of begging , and I love yous and all the pathitec crying and passive aggressiveness. Still living at home I have to keep cool around my small kids....they have no idea. So I said to myself and thru much thought..Act like nothing is going on...be happy when im there and be nice to my wife...at all cost. Im torn up inside and am dying inside thinking that my time is short and sooner or later she is going to drop the bomb..legal papers...or whatever. So far nothing has been said about the relationship..except for little jesters like do what you want because im gonna do what i want. Which hurt very much. Quick conversation that was. .....there has been no more I love yous from me and no pressure, quite frankly I have not mentioned anything about US in 2 weeks. We talk on the phone during the day 1 or 2 times about the kids in a friendly and civil manner. My question is? Do I write her a letter...telling her that Im sorry for the things I did to cause this breakup and ask for forgiveness? And remind her how much I miss her and love her? or do I just wait it out and see what happens...continuing our routine of just getting by day by day without nothing said relating to us. I think im giving her space respectively ...but I dont want her to think that im moving on .... Ok, it's fine to communicate and write letters. Just don't expect anything from them. Do not, I repeat, do not do so to establish your need or create an attempt to convince her that things can work out. Your absolute number one focus should be your life and your kids. There are numerous facets to being alive. Your wife/marriage is just one small facet. Focus on rebuilding your self worth, remember what made you happy before your marriage, who you were, what dreams you had, how much stronger and self-reliant you were. That should be your absolute focus. As far as your wife being done. Nothing is set in stone. You can focus on what is within your realm of control, or you can freak out, let your emotions rule you, and lose any chance you have at creating something anew. Also, she may have someone else in her life. What's your take on that? How are you prepared to handle that? Can you handle that? If you can love your wife past that, it's time to confront and build on that communication in a positive manner. Do you have a plan? A goal? What do you want? How do you plan to achieve this goal? Those are things you should consider. Positive indifference and self reflection are keys to making it through this. Do not validate her desire to end it. Reinforce her positive perspective of you. You have strengths and worth to her as a man. She married you. You have something of value as a life partner. So have some faith, just be rational and come to grips with the pain, loss, guilt, anger, etc. Rule your emotions rather than be ruled by them. Best of luck. Read up and work out. Go out, talk, socialize, etc. Open up to friends and family, rather than her. She's done. Respect that. My two cents. I hope it works out for you and your kids. You're not alone either! Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Yes there was an intense argument and dumb things were said. Below the belt stuff like shape up or im going fishing. if you know what i mean. Just desperate fight stuff to push buttons. Did not mean it of course. After that "Im done for good". downhill from there. Im scared of a face to face , I think it would blow up into another fight. I thought a letter would allow me to express my feelings for her and give her time to have the info sink in before ...lol..she call me and lets me have it or..just does not say anything but is reminded of how much I still cared about her. Bingo, your emotions are ruling every interaction you have. You have to limit that. Only you know the way through this. No one else can tell you. She probably knows you were pushing buttons. She knows how you can be. That's the problem. She is all too familiar with the status quo. What needs to happen on your end? What do you need to do to be able to communicate and get your wife back? Now understand, she's not going to care about your feelings. Your feelings!? LOL! This has to be absolutely about her feelings. This has to be about you being in control of your emotions and proving to her that you are worthwhile as a spouse. That's on you. Are you up to that challenge? Psst, who cares about your feelings for the moment. Are you done? Are you done with the marriage? I'll give you rough love if you want a chance. If you want coddling, let me know. I can do that too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dozer4444 Posted October 16, 2008 Author Share Posted October 16, 2008 thank you for your insight. Its so tough thinking it could actually be over...and that im in denial. false hope is killing me....thats all i can think about...that this is going to pass if I can play my cards right so to speak Link to post Share on other sites
Author dozer4444 Posted October 16, 2008 Author Share Posted October 16, 2008 rough love is greatly appreciated. Im so confused. As times goes by..the more she thinks im getting a grip on the break-up. All I want to do is tell her I miss her and love her. Or just shut-up and just be strong and wait it out. by the way ...Im pretty sure there is no other. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Then leave her alone. Totally alone. Ignore her, unless she's talking directly to you. Cold shoulder, cold heart, sleep in a different room. Don't lift a finger to help her with anything. Give her a taste of what life is going to be like without you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Bird Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 I still say find time where there are no distraction to have a one on one conversation. Don't be drawn into an arguement, hold a discussion if things get heated then stop and pick up again when you both are calm. Fight fair, words said in anger can be explained (not accepted or excused) but they can never be taken back. As you've said false hope is killing you, it's the unknown so talk about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Sorry Moose...I gotta disagree. Marriage counseling. RIGHT NOW. The two of you have massive communication issues to work out. Going "no contact" on her isn't going to solve those. Its also not going to convince her that you really do want to change the way things are. Don't ask...just go out, do some research, and find a good marriage counselor in the area that can help the two of you work through things without fighting and arguing. The goal would be to resolve the marital issues AND to learn how to disagree without treating each other horribly. Don't ask her if she's willing, or want to. Make a decision to fix things...and show her that you mean it by taking the initiative to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dozer4444 Posted October 16, 2008 Author Share Posted October 16, 2008 well ive suggested marriage counseling 2 weeks ago in the heat of begging her back to me and she refused stating ...that i needed it AGAIN... if that be the case. I have made my own effort to find couseling on my own..and for some reason did not sit well with her when i told her about an upcoming appoint. Still nice conversations on the phone...still happen. I disagree with moose...tried that in the past...passive agression..doesnt work with her..only makes things worse. But on the other hand, not pleading, begging, wishing, or I love yous seem to be taking the edge off. Back to my Question? Do i write the letter to insure my love to her? Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 I agree with OWL.. MC. BUT, becareful with "how" you get her there.. Maybe in the letter you say something to the effect that you realize that things arent as they should be or could be, and the "could be" could even mean in the future IF you 2 decide to go seperate ways, but the parents of these wonderful children, and more importantly, the children themselves are OWED this.. You BOTH will be these childrens ONLY mother and father.. AGAIN, even if you two split up... MC's arent always there to SAVE the marriage.. They are there to open up communication between to people who are married and get down to what the issues are, and sometimes they help one or both decide that the marriage can not be saved.. Again, be VERY careful how this is worded to her.. Cause I can promise you, if it comes across like she owes YOU something, she will never go! Write the letter, maybe write it like you were writing it to a friend, "Dear Joe the Plumber... My wife and I and our family are in dire straits.. I love her, and I have hurt her. Our marriage may be over, and that would break my heart, but what would break my heart even more is that if WE didnt do what we should do to "salvage" as much of the "Children's Parents" as we could.... Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 well ive suggested marriage counseling 2 weeks ago in the heat of begging her back to me and she refused stating ...that i needed it AGAIN... if that be the case. I have made my own effort to find couseling on my own..and for some reason did not sit well with her when i told her about an upcoming appoint. Still nice conversations on the phone...still happen. I disagree with moose...tried that in the past...passive agression..doesnt work with her..only makes things worse. But on the other hand, not pleading, begging, wishing, or I love yous seem to be taking the edge off. Back to my Question? Do i write the letter to insure my love to her? Pointless. What is the intent. To help her feel better or to help you feel better. What has her reaction been when you tried to convey your feelings in the past? Doing the same thing expecting different results = insanity. That being said, if you feel like you have to say something/communicate something. Odds are, you are going to communicate it regardless of what pain and misery comes of it. I feel for you! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 well ive suggested marriage counseling 2 weeks ago in the heat of begging her back to me and she refused stating ...that i needed it AGAIN... if that be the case. I have made my own effort to find couseling on my own..and for some reason did not sit well with her when i told her about an upcoming appoint. Still nice conversations on the phone...still happen. I disagree with moose...tried that in the past...passive agression..doesnt work with her..only makes things worse. But on the other hand, not pleading, begging, wishing, or I love yous seem to be taking the edge off. Back to my Question? Do i write the letter to insure my love to her? I've got to tell you...this raises some concerns man. She's vehement that you're the sole cause of the state of the marriage...but REFUSES to let you fix the marriage?!?!?!! She's got ulterior motives for not wanting to go to MC. As in...she doesn't want to go into a situation where SHE will be under scrutiny. You might wanna give that some thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Blunt question...has she ever cheated on you (or someone else), or have you ever had ANY reasons of any kind to suspect that she has? Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Blunt question...has she ever cheated on you (or someone else), or have you ever had ANY reasons of any kind to suspect that she has? what took you so long? Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Bird Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 While I will agree with Owl that it does raise concerns that she doesn't want marriage counseling I have to respectfully disagree that it could be she's cheating on you. It could be a combination of things to include how she was approached with the idea. I would suggest that you keep your appointment and get advice on how to bring or include her into the counseling. If it happens that she doesn't want to participate there are activities outside therapy that your counselor can offer to you for the both of you to do. The letter idea seems too impersonal to me, I'm a face to face type a gal that wants to see your expressions and body language as you speak the words. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 I see you're trying to break the ice and can't come up with a way in. I say lighten the mood and break out the barbeque cuz barbeque makes beggars of all of us. Your wife's gotta eat and I'll bet she loves barbeque so fire up the grill and put a grin on hers. Now you at least may have an opportunity to talk to her without tension. You might even reach her with some sincerity while her guard is down! The worst thing that could happen is you enjoy a night eating barbeque. Remember to keep the vino on chill! Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 I see you're trying to break the ice and can't come up with a way in. I say lighten the mood and break out the barbeque cuz barbeque makes beggars of all of us. Your wife's gotta eat and I'll bet she loves barbeque so fire up the grill and put a grin on hers. Now you at least may have an opportunity to talk to her without tension. You might even reach her with some sincerity while her guard is down! The worst thing that could happen is you enjoy a night eating barbeque. Remember to keep the vino on chill! and if that doesnt work, call us, and we'll swing by and throw down with ya! Link to post Share on other sites
Antax Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 well ive suggested marriage counseling 2 weeks ago in the heat of begging her back to me and she refused stating ...that i needed it AGAIN... if that be the case. Just from my experience stay away from the MC unless its her idea. Mine went after I had asked her and she used the 45 mins as a bashing session on me. Problem was that I wasn't in there. The counselor wanted to talk to her alone first. That was probably one of my biggest mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
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