*sigh* ...Not sure how to word this...

[pachucodesigns]

Hi there, everyone. I'm new here. I don't really know how to introduce myself in a place like this anymore, so...I guess I'll just get straight to what I'm wanting to say. This will be quite long, I'm sure of it, so if you don't feel like reading it, I understand. Anyone who will listen to my plight, I appreciate your patience and compassion.

 

It has been 5 years since I was in a relationship, and it ended very, very badly. Since then, I have not had so much as a date or a one night stand. It's not that I haven't tried, it's just...there's some wrench in the gears for me. Whether its my confidence, or my appearance, or something. I don't know. Maybe even a combination of the two, or something else unknown to me...but...

 

Since then, I've come to detest the entire concept of love, and yet...I realize I can't live without it. No one really can. It is in our nature to seek this elusive thing. I'm turning into a bitter troll, and I really don't want to. There are too many things in life I hate, but I feel like if I come to hate the one thing that is worth living for, I'm...just dead inside. Completely.

 

Until recently, I've given up, but I've run into a girl that I used to call my "girlfriend" in the 3d grade. It was innocent, cute and naive, as 3d grade things are. But, somehow, I did love her. And I never really thought otherwise as I grew up, even as my concept of love was warped and changed. Now that I see her again, she is as cute and beautiful as ever. She used to love animals, and had a lot of pets. She's become a wildlife activist, and has such passion. I'm very proud of her.

 

Problem is, she remembers me, but...she doesn't really know me anymore. Of course. It's been 14 years. My lack of confidence stopped me from saying anything (as it always does), so I did as I always do when depression gets to me: I surfed through the personal ads. She was there, to my surprise, and I read her ad: she wants everything I want, and she is everything I want.

 

So...I got the confidence to ask her out. I told her I read her ad, and that she wanted all the same things I did. But...I guess I creeped her out somehow. Not surprisingly, I guess I panicked and said something too strong. She will still respond to me, I guess she can still see me as a friend, but you know...I don't want any more friends. I'm sick of the friends zone.

 

I don't want to put any pressure on her at all, she doesn't deserve that. But I feel like she's my last chance, and that if I manage to scare her away that I will have finally become some unlovable thing that I don't want to be. I'm only 24 years old, this shouldn't happen to me yet. I am quite intelligent, poetic and passionate, philosophical, a writer and an artist, an animator and training film maker. I have high aspirations and dreams. I will amount to a lot, and I know it. I'm not handsome, but I'm not repulsive or anything. I'm caring and loving, and I know that I have a lot more to bring to a relationship than most men.

 

I don't want to rush into something too intense. I don't want to pressure her. I don't want to scare her away. I'm not a stalker, I'm not creepy. I'm just losing hope. I need help... I don't know what to do.

[Angel1111]

Well, when you approach a relationship feeling like it's 'The Last Supper', so to speak, you're already off on the wrong foot. I think you can probably see that.

 

At 24 you are so far from your 'last supper' that it's not even worth talking about. I cannot even believe you're serious about that. And at 19 you had a really bad break up that you have not bounced back from? I think what you need to consider is that being artistic and creative adds a high sensitivity to your nature and if you learn to understand that aspect of yourself, you'll come to realize that you probably create a lot more drama in your life than you need to. Once you learn to understand that about yourself, you can learn to grin at it on occasion.

 

I deal with artists quite a bit in a business I own and I find that they are the most temperamental, difficult people in the world to deal with. I think it may come with the territory but I also think that it's not an excuse to behave childishly.

 

I think if you back away from this girl for awhile and then stick around as a friend. you might find that her respect will grow for you and then you might possibly have a chance at romance. Men are so off-base about this friendship thing because so many great relationships start off that way. It may offend your senses that she's not chasing you around the school yard anymore but women gravitate more to men they feel they can trust. Plus, if she knows you're interested in her but you don't behave immaturely about that, again, her respect for you will grow.

 

So, I wouldn't write her off yet but even if nothing comes of it, you really need to change your perspective and realize that there's a big world out there. When you close off your mind and heart, you close off possibilities. Open up and lighten up and see where that takes you.

[pachucodesigns]

You know, honestly, I'm trying. But I think childish is the wrong word to use here for the description of an affliction of over-sensitivty; possibly even condescending. I know you believe 24 is young, and I'm sure you're right. I know I'm young, that is why I feel urgency about this. I would like to enjoy my youth while it is still here without having to suffer failure after failure. And here I've already lost 5 years in what seems like the blink of an eye.

 

I get nowhere with women. Nowhere. And I fear that history is doomed to repeat itself. You need not attribute my lack of patience with the friendship thing to all men, as it is a gross generalization. I can do friendship, that's not a problem, but I hate feeling like I'm being kept in that friends zone out of pure rejection of anything further, and that is what tends to happen all too often. It feels like I need to wait for some ill-defined green light or something, and I cannot tell you how stressful it is.

 

I hate people thinking that I want to rush in and have a fairy tale romance right away. No, that's not it at all. All I want is the affirmation of the possibility without having to hear the presumptuous "Whoa there, cowboy!" I'm sick of being treated as a hopeless romantic with no common sense. I understand the necessity of a friendship, but I do not understand the need for vocalized restriction. If I ask a girl on a date, I'm not asking her to be my girlfriend or my wife, just to spend time with me and to see what happens with the open mind to possibility.

[Angel1111]

Then maybe you're coming on too strong or doing something to turn women off. And if you're not doing that, then maybe you're focusing on the wrong type of woman. I don't know really, just speculating.

 

I didn't mean to say that you in particular were childish - I meant that the people I work with are childish and unprofessional - and it gets really old. It was a comparison as to how things can be read into things that aren't there. I don't know if you're like that or not - I'm just taking a stab as to why you may be running into problems.

 

I know it gets tiresome looking and waiting for love but there seems to be so little we can do about that. And I agree that women are very silly who tell a guy who asked them on a date that they're happy to be their friend. The guy didn't ask them out for that purpose and that would be an insult. But I think in the case of the girl you went to school with, that's a little different because of how long you've known each other.

 

It just seems to be the law of the universe that when we stop looking for it, love sneaks up on us. Maybe that's the thing to do - just drop it and see what comes your way.

[pachucodesigns]

No, I most certainly am not like that. It's been 5 years with consistent results across the board. I'm reading into something that is most definitely there, though I'm uncertain what that something is. All I know is that it's a something that needs to stop.

 

I just don't get what I could possibly be saying that's so strong. I mean she was willing to place an ad to strangers listing, and I'm quoting, that she does not want a fling, she wants a serious relationship with a strong foundation, and something with more meaning beyond physical attraction. I told her in so many words that I saw what she said and that I was looking for the same thing. I wouldn't expect that would bring relief, but why does it make me look creepy? Am I seriously not allowed to show appreciation for someone who looks for what I look for?

 

And here's the thing, I haven't known her for that long. I knew her for several years, but that was 14 years ago. We were children. We're both essentially the same people we were, but on a more mature level. But I don't really know her anymore, and she doesn't know me. We've missed too much of each others' lives. I mean, maybe I'm naive, but...I sorta find it romantic that way. Potentially, at least.

 

Ugh...I'm at a loss. If I knew what the problem was, maybe I could remedy it, but I just don't.

[Angel1111]

No, I don't think you did anything strange and I don't know why she acted that way, or why you have such bad luck with women across the board. I can only guess that either you're selecting women who are wrong for you, or you're giving off a negative vibe that is keeping anyone from wanting to get involved with you.

 

Honestly, since this is such a problem, it would probably be a great idea to start seeing a therapist. I think he/she will be able to shed some light on your problem by talking to you and seeing you in person. I hope you get it worked out soon and find the love you're looking for. But, whether it's this girl or not, learn to trust in life a little more and believe that she is not your last hope. Because she's not. There is someone out there for you. Forget about her for now. Your absence may make her re-think her reaction because she'll see that you've moved on. In the meantime, start resolving this problem by looking on the inside first.

[pachucodesigns]

Make her rethink her reaction? It's clear to me that she's not even considering that I'm a living, breathing human being. To her, I'm like a shining star at high noon: out of sight out of mind. I somehow doubt that my disappearance would be any motivating force to her reconsideration.