GrrdGirl Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 I cannot get this off my mind, so hopefully some of you can knock some sense into me! I am a first year Masters student in a field outside of my undergrad degree. I knew I would have to work really hard, and put a lot of extra time in to make the grade. On top of this, I am engaged and work full time. The university I am studying at is over an hour away, so I live there during the week, and return to the home I share with my fiance on the weekends. I also work on the weekends, so my fiance and I spend very little time together and have somewhat grown apart. Ok, enough background. I was having problems in a particularly difficult course and went to the professor for help. A non-descript man at first. He was very nice and encouraging. Not to mention he is very intelligent in the subject and so passionate about it! Well, I end up doing research with this same professor because he is in charge of my speciality. So I am in his office several times a week discussing the course or research. What started as harmless flirting, has gone a little farther each time I talk to him. At first, he touched my arm, now he has touched my leg, cheek and hair. He calls me "his girl" and "his beautiful girl". He does not wear a wedding ring, but supposedly he is married according to other students in the department. Of course he has never mentioned his wife ever. I have never mentioned my fiance either. He has make several attempts to meet me outside of class, but I have not given in yet, because I am afraid someone in the department will get the wrong idea (which I guess is really the right idea). Usually, I would be appalled by this sort of behavior, but I actually *like* the attention. He is not someone I would normally be attracted to, at all. But something about him makes me want him. Of course, I would never take things to an inappropriate level, as he will most likely be my thesis advisor and is married. However, I cannot get him off my mind. Whenever I check my email, I am hoping there is a sweet email from him. I make up reasons to stop by his office, and then we usually end up talking for an hour about traveling and ethnic food, and all kinds of things I love. It is getting to the point where it is disrupting my life. I actually had a sexual dream about him. I know it shouldn't go any further, but at the same time, I don't want the harmless flirting to stop. However, I care about him, and I wouldn't want him to get into trouble. ( A student has mentioned to me that he has noticed the professor putting his hand on my shoulder in class, etc) I don't know if I like it because it's wrong, or because I am lacking something in my fiance. Please help! (Mean comments about home-wrecking, married man crap don't apply because I am not actually planning on doing anything inappropriate, Thanks.) Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 I'm not trying to be mean about this, so hopefully you won't take it that way... but I would be completely devestated if my husband was acting the way your professor is acting right now. Even if you never sleep with the guy, the intimate connection is incredibly strong right now and it is cheating on your partners. You and the professor are denying your partners something while giving it to someone else. I would be on the floor balling my eyes out if I found out my H was doing what your fling is doing to his wife. I know you think it's pretty harmless right now... it's not like you two have had sex, but what you're doing is a lot like an alcoholic standing in front of an unopened bottle of his favortie whiskey. It's an incredibly strong temptation... something I think you are severely underestimating. I cheated on my exH long ago. and it started out as flirting... got to the point where I was dreaming about him at night. I had no intention of ever cheating on my exh. I believed very strongly that it was morally wrong to cheat. But I really wanted, damn near needed, that attention from the other guy. It was addictive. It drove me to create ways to see him. I wanted to hear from him. My attention and time were focused on this guy, and it pulled the little time I had avaiable away from my exh. I didn't attempt to reconnect with my exh during that time. I didn't even want to really. Mostly, I felt I could control the situation. I felt I had a handle on things, and I could dictate how far this "flirtation" went. But the more I invested in the other guy, the less in control I was, the more I became addicted to what I was feeling. The more it seemed like a good idea to go just one step further... a hand on my cheek... a caress of my hair... a kiss on the cheek... etc. It was little tiny steps.. each one built off the last. I think you're a good person, and I know it has to be incredibly difficult attempting to balance everything in your life right now. I definitely couldn't do it if I were in your shoes. But I think you're underestimating how serious your actions are right now. I think you're caught up in how it's making you feel, and it's become a addicting to you. I think you're deluding yourself about how dangerous this game your playing is. And mostly, I think you've forgotten how your actions (and your professors) can cause incredible amounts of pain in the people each of you love. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 How would you feel if your fiance was acting toward another woman the way you are acting toward this man? You have already begun emotionally cheating on your fiance. Is this being fair to him? Link to post Share on other sites
MissClark Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 Well, I think you really need to reflect on why you and your fiance are together. I realize you are under a lot of pressure and stress right now, but you really should try and see why it is that you are falling so far from the person you claim to want to spend the rest of your life with. I don't mean that in a mean way, it's just that you need to seriously evaluate why it is that you feel the way you do about this professor. Try to find more time to spend with your fiance. You should try to reconnect with him. You both obviously got to where you are because of some kind of connection. You need to determine if it's something you really do what to hold onto. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 Stop it now!!! You say you don't want to cross the line but yet you allow yourself to go farther and farther. You are setting your self up for some nasty business. This will hurt your fiance, his wife, and your future with your masters. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t143591/ Read her thread and other post because it is very similar to yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrrdGirl Posted October 19, 2008 Author Share Posted October 19, 2008 Thank you for being so supportive and helpful. This is exactly what I was looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrrdGirl Posted October 19, 2008 Author Share Posted October 19, 2008 Thank you Walk, your post especially helped me. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 19, 2008 Share Posted October 19, 2008 Of course, I would never take things to an inappropriate level, as he will most likely be my thesis advisor and is married. At first, he touched my arm, now he has touched my leg, cheek and hair. He calls me "his girl" and "his beautiful girl". I cannot get him off my mind. It is getting to the point where it is disrupting my life. You have already taken things to an inappropriate level. Direct this energy toward your fiancee. Start sending him flirty emails and sexy texts. Go out on dates with him and talk about traveling and ethnic food and how you can't wait to get home so you can rip his clothes off. Pay a little extra attention to your fiancee and he'll start paying attention to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted October 19, 2008 Share Posted October 19, 2008 Thank you Walk, your post especially helped me. You're welcome. What will you do now? It's not like you can stop seeing the professor completely. Is there any chance you can talk to your fiance about how you're feeling (without going into detail about the feelings you have for your professor), and see if the two of you can put more effort into reconnecting? Maybe put some checks and balances into your dealings with the professor by explaining to him what you've decided and how that will affect the time you spend with him. Maybe if you tell him how you've realized how important your fiance is to you, and your desire to put more effort into your relationship, he'll get the hint and back off. It might be something to try as a "first step" at least. Ask your fiance for help. You need something that you aren't getting from your fiance at this point. Ask him to give you that... even if it means the two of you will have to bump the second job and give up a couple of material things. Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted October 19, 2008 Share Posted October 19, 2008 You're welcome. What will you do now? It's not like you can stop seeing the professor completely. Is there any chance you can talk to your fiance about how you're feeling (without going into detail about the feelings you have for your professor), and see if the two of you can put more effort into reconnecting? Maybe put some checks and balances into your dealings with the professor by explaining to him what you've decided and how that will affect the time you spend with him. Maybe if you tell him how you've realized how important your fiance is to you, and your desire to put more effort into your relationship, he'll get the hint and back off. It might be something to try as a "first step" at least. Ask your fiance for help. You need something that you aren't getting from your fiance at this point. Ask him to give you that... even if it means the two of you will have to bump the second job and give up a couple of material things. Affairs like yours (Oh! you are in an affair) thrive on secrecy. I'm guessing that your fiance is not going to know what to do. Walks advice towards exposure is the tried and tested antidote. By all means notify your professor after discussing with fiance. However, do NOT enter into discussion with him. Please Google "Anatomy of Adultery" to get a more precise indication of the stage whereto you have progressed. Thank you, on behalf of your betrayed fiance that you have posted when you did. Oh! and you and your husband-to-be may want to check out the article at marriage builders.com. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted October 19, 2008 Share Posted October 19, 2008 I say you separate yourself as much as possible from your professor and whatever time you do have with him; keep it professional. Do not tell your professor about your feelings because as a man I can guarantee he will go after you. Once a girl tells us she has feelings towards us, we immediately feel like we are the most important thing in her eyes. I know it sounds pathetic but it is true. We feel like we can get anything from her and we try. By telling him you will boost his ego and he will get more confident and aggressive with you Link to post Share on other sites
Al_Bundy Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 (Mean comments about home-wrecking, married man crap don't apply because I am not actually planning on doing anything inappropriate, Thanks.) Sorry, you don't get to call the shots on what applies and what doesn't. You are flirting with a married man. You call it harmless, yet want more:confused:. Thats why flirting is never harmless. You wouldn't "flirt" with someone you weren't attracted to. therefore its not harmless. There are intentions there whether anything is carried out or not. Ok, so you claim to be harmlessly "flirting", want more, but say you don't want to do anything "inappropriate". Uh, ok. So what is it that you are hoping to accomplish by writing this here? Who claims to do "harmless" flirting, but seem so obsessed by it that they bother to tell this story on a forum? Link to post Share on other sites
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