He left her and is now with me but its not all roses around the door just yet!

[LadyCakes]

Hi everyone,

 

I posted a thread on this site about half a year ago. To sum up a very long story I became involved with a man who had a very long term girlfriend (22 years), and has a child (2 yesrs old).

 

We started dating and fell in love and like all the other OW on this site I wanted him to leave his GF and for us to be a proper couple. Well after 9 months of dating, and alot of heartache for both of us he (after having alot of counselling) decided that even tho it broke is heart to be a part time dad that he didnt love his GF and wanted us to be together. So about 3 weeks ago he said to his GF that he wanted a trial separtation and moved out and came to stay with me. I said that even tho i was happy that things were moving forward, i still couldnt handle being the OW and needed him to ake his decision. He picked me and told his GF that it was over.

 

I am so happy that we are now a real couple and i know that I am one of the lucky ones. From reading the post on this site it looks like not many MM or men with long term partners actually leave their other halves for us.

 

Anyway, despite being overjoyed that i am now his GF there are still so many issues and things to overcome. I would really appreciate some feedback from people as even tho we are together now, if im honest, the heartache still continues...

 

Firstly, he decided not to tell his ex about me when they spit. He told her that he is living with a friend that lives miles away, when in fact he is living with me until he finds somewhere to rent. Now im not really bothered that he didnt tell her about me (his reasons where that 1 - he didnt want to hurt her anymore than he has done and 2- that he think that if sheknows about me then she will make it difficult for him to see his child). However because he didnt tell her about me he feels that there has to be some sort of "cooling off period" until he can come out and say that he has met someone else without it looking like i was the reason he left. I can understand this. However, because no one knows about us it means that we cant actually act like a proper couple yet. By that i mean that we cant go out to most places that are local to us incase we get seen together. It may sound like a small price to pay at the moment seeing as i have got the man now but its getting really annoying that everytime we want to go out he always says "oh we cant really go there as sometimes she/her family go there" etc. Its really starting to get on my nerves and my question, i suppose, is how long do you think i should put up with this for?????

 

The second issue is slightly more complicated and concerns his child. Now i must make it clear that i want him to see his child! I want him to be a great dad, even tho its only part time now but its the fact that contact with his son always involves him seeing his ex! Now while he does not have his own place and the weather is pretty bad i know it is a bit impractical for him to take his child out all day and not be with the ex during contact but if im honest im really not comfortable about it. Its not that i think they are going to fall into bed with each other or anything like that its just that i dont like him spending time with her when i know she would like him to move back home and for them to re-kindle their realtionship. I have spoken to him about it as we can talk about anything and he says that im being silly and its just he most practical thing for him to do in going over to his old place and spending the day with his child. Am i being stupid and should i just get over this???? I suppose it make it worse because she does not know about me yet and thats why i dont like them spending time together.

 

In addition to the above, how often do you think it is right that he sees his child now that he is a part time dad and is with me (considering that all the contact time also involves his ex being there??). He works shifts and has four days off a week. He spends all of the 4 days he has of (during the day) round there with his child and ex. He also works 2 night shifts a weeks and before his shifts start on those two days he also spends that time with his kid. so, so far we are up to 6 days a week!! Does this seem a litle excessive to you all or am i again being unreasonable by wanting this to be less?? Actually, its not that i want him to see his Child less its that i wish he would just pick up his child and then drop him off at the end of contact! He said that this is impractical due to teh bad weather, him not having a place to take his child, all his toys being at the ex's + his food. What do you all think??

 

The last point is fanancial. He jointly owned the house he lived in with his ex and child. Now that he has moved out he said that he doesnt want to make them move so he is going to continue to pay the mortgage each month, tax and bills so that they can stay there. ery nice of him but he now has to rent somewhere for himself! Plus as his ex doesnt work he says that he needs to contimue paying into their joint accont money for her to live on ie, gas money, food, bills and of course money for his son. Basically is going to be giving her most of his salary and leaving him and untimately us (in terms of what we can do) short. Now, he and her were never married so i dont see why he should continue to support HER financially! He has absolutely no legal obligation to do so! I want him to sell his house and divide the equity (which is alot) so that they can each buy somewhere and make a clean break, and move on with both of their lives. I support him paying his child support but not her! What do you all think? If you were in this situation, some of you probably are....what is right and reasonable??? I suppose i just feel taht while he has all these ties ie the house, joint bank accounts etc...that i still feel like the OW when in fact he is now MY partner!

 

Anyway i have waffled on a bit, im sorry....any responses would be really apprecaited.

 

Lady Cakes x

[jj33]

Hi it sounds like you are on your way and I hope it works out for you all.

 

This is an unusual situation. They were together for 22 years but only had a child in the 20th year? Is that right?

 

So they were together 22 years and only when they had the child, which must have been momentous after all those years together and unless she was a child when the met that puts her in her 40s most likely...

 

so suddenly when the child is one or so he decides he doesnt love her (let me say it again after 20 some years) and that he is leaving??

 

Something about this doesnt make a lot of sense. But OK he has left so there must be some sense to it.

 

1. Perfectly reasonable he doesnt want to tell her about you yet - it adds insult to the injury of leaving her with their young child after they have been together for so long. Thats just something you will have to be patient with.

 

2. Supporting her. hes been supporting her for many years and you think he can suddenly cut her off because he met you??? I dont think so... especially when they have a young child.

 

Not to mention the fact that there are palimony laws and they may have a common law marriage. She may have substantial rights in addition to the right to child support. He should contact an attorney to see exactly what the rules are.

 

That aside you should be happy that he is trying to do the right thing, regardless of how inconvenient it is for you. This man has integrity and principles. He is not just walking away and leaving her high and dry. That says good things about his character.

 

Im sure its difficult. You are finally with the man you love and you want to start your new life together as a couple but he has a history and he is honoring it. He sounds like a good man.

[jj33]

Edited to add: others may say watch out he is there too much etc etc but this is a process. And he probably feels incredible guilt. I would say you need to let him do what he thinks is best you cant force someone to cut or minimize ties because you are feeling insecure about it. You can but that rarely works.

 

Once he gets his own place and feels more comfortable telling her about you which could be a few months, then you will see where you are. I am sure it is difficult. This may be harder really than being in the A because you are so close to having a normal life together but... not quite there. Hang in there. He has to go through this to come out the other side and make a fresh start with you.

[LadyCakes]

Thank you for your post! Your right, he is a good man and thats why i love him so much and am perpared to be with a man with (there is no better way of putting it....alot of baggage).

 

Yes your right, they were together for 22 years and thay are both now in their 40's. Its not really that he was with her for 20 years and then decided he didnt love her anymore, the tragic reality is that he has not been in love with her for many many years. They were like companions, friends to an extent but not like a couple should be. By that i mean there was not a lot of affection and they never talked about anything of any emotional meaning at debth...that just wasnt waht THEY were like.

 

I have asked him why the heck did he have a child with someone he wasnt in love with...and why after 20 years! Your right...it is so strange. He said that although they never really talked about chilren for most of their relationship she started to want one a few years ago (while she still could i guess) and he thought, in a strange sort of way that he owed it to her give her a child. Dont get me wrong he is an amazing father and loves his child so much but it is obvious from the conversations that we have had that it wasnt a mutual desire to really have a child and even tho he loves his child now that the little one is here, he acknoledges that in hindsight it wasnt the best move considering that they were in a pretty love less realtionship.

 

Thank you for your imput on the "her not knowing about me" subject. I have to agree that im going to have to be patient...i just wondered how long waiting is too long? Am i still going to have to be a secret and have to sneek around with my boyfriend for another 6 months?????

 

I actuallu live in England and the laws on cohabitees (no matter how long it was for) are very clear. He does not have to financially support her at all as they were never married (and common law wife does not exsist in england). He only has to provide for his child. At the moment i guess its all none of my business, the financial stuff. However, it just makes me feel like im still the OW and eventually, if we do go the distance...get married/live together or have children of our own then he can continue supporting her...its not fair on me (in my opinion!).

 

Lady Cakes

[jj33]

Still what kind of a person would he be if he said fine I am leaving you go get a job be a single mother to our young child I will pay the minimum I am required to pay under the laws governing child support and what sort of a life would that be for his child.

 

You sound like a caring person. I am sure its tough but hes doing the right thing. And in this job market with record unemployment - where is she suddenly supposed to go out and find a job to support herself - very bad timing. It would be cruel to leave her high and dry

 

I know you think its not fair on you but that is part of hte package he has moral obligations to them. they are not disposable just because he decided to leave regardless of what the law says.

[Ronni_W]

LadyCakes.

I agree with much of what JJ said.

It's not that you are being "stupid". But perhaps in your eagerness to begin the next phase of your life with this man, you are forgetting to remember the emotional upheaval that HE is going through?

 

Yes, he made his own decision and, yes, he chose you. But that also came at a huge cost to him. For you, it may even be that you got what you want (him) relatively "cheap" in terms of emotional/mental anguish...and this part here (standing by him through this difficult period that HE is facing and must deal with according to HIS values and principles) is YOUR actual cost, which still may be far lower than his.

 

So. It may be a better strategy to start thinking in terms of how you can best support him to fulfill HIS needs and obligations to his child and ex. He will certainly appreciate your understanding, patience and acceptance of the current, temporary situation much more than if you just keep whining/acting insecure every time he tries to do what HE FEELS is the appropriate, noble, "proper" way that HE wants to act, for the best interests of his child and his ex.

 

There is everything "right" with him being considerate towards her, as his ex, the mother of his child, AND a human being. It's a positive quality of his character, and he likely has a vast supply. (He's not going to "use it all up" on her.) There would be everything "right", if you were to consistently and persistently show how much you appreciate this part of his nature.

 

If you really do feel that you have insurmountable insecurities and/or will end up growing resentful, I'd urge you to take it to a therapist instead of making it part of the baggage that you contribute to your relationship.

 

Hugs, and best of luck. It is temporary. Let HIM make the decision as to when is a good time to start bringing you into that other part of things. He chose you. Everything else is a rather "small price to pay", yes?

[LadyCakes]

I agree...to a point.

 

I am a caring person and i dont want him putting his child in a position where they will suffer because he has left...but..

 

Its not stricktly tue that she doesnt work. She works one day a week (since having the baby from being full time) When they were a couple the money that she earned was, for lack of a better word, pocket money as he paid for everything else. So the money she earned was for her. Now that they have split i think that its only right that she has to accept that things cant go on FOREVER like they have been in the past. I think that her going back to work a few more days a week would be the most sensible option. Then she could afford to pay the bills for example of where she is living as she is the one living there. He is going to continue paying the mortgage and let her stay there which is of course very lovely of him but he doesnt have to do this so she should start looking after herself! She has lots of family support so childcare would not be an probelem!

 

For now i guess its just all part of the process but im just concerned about how long this will go on for. Eventually we would like to live together and buy our own place together and while he still has mortgage obligations on another property, we will not be able to get a mortgage together! Secondly although i am fnancaily independent (i mean i work full time..not that im rich..lol!) in the future i dont want our lives to suffer becuase he is still maintaining her.

 

This is all such a mess, and its even more of a mess because at the moment i know that it is really none of my business. However, i do have to look at the long term picture. I would not be happy with him giving most of his salary to an ex if we were to move in together, get married or have a child in teh furure! Another complication is; what if we do have a child?Because of hsi shift work like i described before and the fact that he is seeing his child every spare moment he gets etc...when would be see his "future family" that we may one day have together???

 

Its strange how there are all these horrible heartbraking things to deal with when you are the OW, but when you fianlly get what you want and become the GF there seems like yet another, even bigger, moutain to climb.

 

Lady Cakes x

[Ronni_W]

when you fianlly get what you want and become the GF there seems like yet another, even bigger, moutain to climb.

Hugs, LC.

Maybe you can look at it as your mind just playing tricks on you? It (your mind) is expecting your guy to resolve twenty-two years (22 YEARS!) in about 4 weeks. That isn't reasonable or rational.

 

There is no "mountain" other than what your mind is creating. And it is that illusion of there being a mountain that is causing you to panic and/or to forget that song that goes, "...ain't no mountain high enough..." .

 

You got what you really wanted. He chose you. Let that be enough to carry you through this. Tell your mind, in no uncertain terms, that it is more than enough for you, for the next few months...because you and he have the rest of your lives.

[jj33]

Lady Cakes you are not a victim here much as it seems to feel that way to you. This is not happening because you were the OW its because he is an adult with a family and he has adult responsibilities towards his family. The situation would be no different if you met him after he separated. It is difficult supporting two families. That is life.

 

I think you need to rethink the whole package and if you really love him accept that this is part of the package.

[LadyCakes]

JJ & Ronni,

 

Thank you so much for your replies. I agree with you both. Its so nice to get someone elses opinion that dosent actuall know me or him as i think that can sometimes cloud judgement.

 

Well, i am going to take your advice......he is coming over tonight after he has spent the day with him child and we are going out somewhere in London. Im going to tell him that i support what he is doing as i know it is only temporary... that i can see that from what he is doing for his ex and child that he is a good man with a caring heart and thats why I love him so dearly. Its all true, its not a lie...my only concerns are about the future but your right..he did chose me and that should make me very happy and i shoud support him through this very hard, life changing time. He has given up alot for me (a beautiful home, a partner he has had for 22 years and being a full time dad). I in return will give him my support and love...your right, it is a small proce to pay.

 

Thank you girls x

 

Lady Cakes x

[jj33]

A pleasure. Have a great time tonite. Life is rarely 100% perfect in all regards for more than a nanosecond unless you choose to believe that things are exactly as they are supposed to be at this moment in time.

 

This is the beginning of your new life together. Enjoy it.

[norajane]

Did you did discuss living arrangements, the desire to maintain secrecy about your relationship, visiting his child, financial support, etc. before he left his gf? Is he following the plan he laid out to you? If he is following the plan, then nothing that he's doing should be a surprise to you. You knew this is what you would be in for and your expectations should be in line with what he outlined.

 

If you're just now realizing that his plan doesn't work too well for you and makes you uncomfortable, you might want to tell him that's how you are feeling. You don't have to be confrontational, just something like, "you know, when you said you'd be seeing your child 6 days a week, I thought that was such a wonderful dad thing to do. And I still think so, but I'm discovering that I'm really uncomfortable with you seeing your ex that often."

 

If he isn't following his plan, then you need to talk to him about why he's doing things differently than he said he would.

 

The thing to remember is that, for you, when you thought about being together with him, you always imagined it as being about the two of you: his ex would be out of the picture and pretty much out of his life except for child support and exchanging the child during visits. In his mind, however, his child and his ex will always be a part of his life and he needs to adjust to a different life now. It's going to take time for all the adjustments to be made - for both of you.

 

All you can do is be honest with him about how you're feeling. You can make suggestions for what he can do to make you feel better, but he's going through a major change right now, so yeah, give it at least 6 months!

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I can't help but get the feeling from your posts that this is going to be a lifetime issue for you, and although you say that you support his wanting to be there for his child, you sound jealous of the poor kid.

 

If NOTHING changes here, could you live with that?

[LadyCakes]

LonelyandFrustrated> God No! I am not jealous of his child, far from it! I really do want him to be the best father he can be. I have met his little one a few times (albeit for not very long) and the child is a lovely. I hope that in time we will get to know each other and i can one day be a great step-mum, if i am with the child's father!

 

The wonderful thing about this forum is that i can be honest and if im being honest; No i could not live with the situation, as it is, if things never changed. On the financial side or the amount of time he is spending "round there!.

 

I appreciate that becuase he and his ex have a child together that she is not going to dissapear and will always be there in the background. I may not love this but i accept it. I have known from the very beginning that, because they have a child, she will always be in OUR lives.

 

I am being honest tho then i say that i would not be happy for him to financialy support her IN THE WAY THAT HE IS DOING NOW forever. I know that for the time being we are going through a transition period and for the time being he has to support her because he thinks its the right thing to do BUT if we become serious.. ie live together or have a family of our own then no i will not be happy with him supporting her IN THE LONG TERM! This is because it would seriously affect our lives together as a couple. I am 100% happy and ok with him giving financial support to his child forever, but not her....thats not fair on me...in the future! With regards to the time he spends round there, like i said in a previous post, i am ok with it at the mo (other than i dont like him spending so much time with the ex), but if we were to have a family of our own then i would not be happy with him spending 6 days a week round there. After all, we would have our own children and they would need their father, and I would need my husband (hypotetically speaking lol!) I think a good comprimise, if the above was to happen would be that his child comes and spends all the time he wants with us and our family so that my BF coould spend hime with his child, I could get to know my step-child better, and my "immaginary" kids could get to know their sibling!

 

Its all alot of ifs and busts as we are nowhere near ready or wanting to get married/have kids but i think its only sensible that i think about all these issues as, like im sure alot of us have, I have wasted enough years already on failed relationships and i want to get this one right as we do love eachother so much and we are so great together....i just wish there was not all this baggage! lol

 

Lady Cakes

[Mino]

I agree...to a point.

 

I am a caring person and i dont want him putting his child in a position where they will suffer because he has left...but..

 

Its not stricktly tue that she doesnt work. She works one day a week (since having the baby from being full time) When they were a couple the money that she earned was, for lack of a better word, pocket money as he paid for everything else. So the money she earned was for her. Now that they have split i think that its only right that she has to accept that things cant go on FOREVER like they have been in the past. I think that her going back to work a few more days a week would be the most sensible option. Then she could afford to pay the bills for example of where she is living as she is the one living there. He is going to continue paying the mortgage and let her stay there which is of course very lovely of him but he doesnt have to do this so she should start looking after herself! She has lots of family support so childcare would not be an probelem!

 

For now i guess its just all part of the process but im just concerned about how long this will go on for. Eventually we would like to live together and buy our own place together and while he still has mortgage obligations on another property, we will not be able to get a mortgage together! Secondly although i am fnancaily independent (i mean i work full time..not that im rich..lol!) in the future i dont want our lives to suffer becuase he is still maintaining her.

 

This is all such a mess, and its even more of a mess because at the moment i know that it is really none of my business. However, i do have to look at the long term picture. I would not be happy with him giving most of his salary to an ex if we were to move in together, get married or have a child in teh furure! Another complication is; what if we do have a child?Because of hsi shift work like i described before and the fact that he is seeing his child every spare moment he gets etc...when would be see his "future family" that we may one day have together???

 

Its strange how there are all these horrible heartbraking things to deal with when you are the OW, but when you fianlly get what you want and become the GF there seems like yet another, even bigger, moutain to climb.

 

Lady Cakes x

Hi Lady cakes...Wow , I could have written your story other then my m is married. Mine left 2 months ago and has his own place. The thing you have to reaqlize is that he had this family before you tow got together. What ever reason the r broke is not the issue. He does have a responsibilty to them..I hate to say this but you knew this BEFORE you hooked up with him. Mine also has a young child, the w is a sahm.. You cannot just expect her to get a job right away. I realized and supported the fact that my mm w will and should stay home till the child is of school age. I also took in consideration that if my mm could not handle this finanically that I would help out to make it possible for her to continue staying home. The bottomline is she did not ask for this mess. So why not help support her? Sure you may not go on the vacations you desire, or the dinners out. But you need to realize this is the path that you and him have chosen. You cannot be selfish at this time.. It may take serveral years for her to be able to work. I have the same issues of my mm going to his house to see his child. Usually he takes his child out, he has his own place, but the time spent driving to and from and then back again, is hard. So many times if the weather is bad he visits there. This gives her time to run errands or chores..I think its wrong too, it bothered me too. But wat can you say... I am sure this will get old eventually... (I hope:o) My mm also let her believe we are over... I think its stupid, but for the same reasons yours is doing this. He does not want her to get even more hurt then mad, because she will stop him from seeing his child everyday...and take him to the cleaners during the D. My mm spends more time with his child now then before. After work, he goes and see his child for 2 hours everyday, his days off are spent with the child. Its guilt, no doubt...But again, I had to accept this. I do believe like someone mention in their post before, this phase is much much harder... I have actually stopped our r for now...to give him time to sort himself out, and to hopfully find a balance with his new life.... On the time thing, I figured he will keep this "secret of You' 4-6 months... JUST my op....You need to really have a heart to heart with yourself... because these responsibilties of his will not go away...The child will and should be always his priority... You need to ask yourself if you can deal with this... and the mother of his child will always be part of that, more so in the next few years, and then less once she finds a new love. But they will alway be connected through the child... Good Luck sweetie....

[norajane]

I think a good comprimise, if the above was to happen would be that his child comes and spends all the time he wants with us and our family so that my BF coould spend hime with his child, I could get to know my step-child better, and my "immaginary" kids could get to know their sibling!

 

Have you talked about having children together? Do you know that he wants more children? If you haven't discussed it, you might want to have that conversation so you aren't expecting something that isn't in line with what he wants or doesn't want.

 

Seems like your expectations about what would happen after he left his gf aren't in line with his intentions, so maybe you need to make sure this imaginary family you're planning is what he is planning too!

[Mino]

Lady Cakes you are not a victim here much as it seems to feel that way to you. This is not happening because you were the OW its because he is an adult with a family and he has adult responsibilities towards his family. The situation would be no different if you met him after he separated. It is difficult supporting two families. That is life.

 

I think you need to rethink the whole package and if you really love him accept that this is part of the package.

I agree, and I will also say this, if you complain about all these issues now, they may come a point we he will just go back home, because he saw this a a lose/lose situation..You knew going in this man had baggage... you either accept it or you let him go.you cant be wishy washy on your support... Remeber the mom and the child did not ask for this... She is a sahm, she is doing her job, until the child is the age of school... I was a single parent never had the luxury of staying home, I went to work 1 year after the birth of mine...So I can understand where you are coming from...But you will get nowhere trying to fight this with him.., He has too much guilt... So you can only accept and support, or walk away...And like everyone says, he is trying to be a good decent person, if he left her High and dry, I would worry about him as a human being..Let him do the right thing...

[81West]

Sigh. I just had a big long post and lost it.

 

LadyCakes, you're not crazy. His many real financial and moral obligations to his 'ex' do not include spending endless days essentially living with her. This is fair to no one, except the guy who is smoothing his way forward (or keeping his options open) at everybody else's expense.

 

If he's a decent man just trying to figure out how his post affair life is all supposed to work and feel, he does deserve your compassion and patience. It's easy to have empathy for a guy who has made a huge life decision and is trying to figure out if it's one he can live with. However, you matter equally and should not be made to bear unnecessary burdens. What you describe are unnecessary burdens.

 

If either the situation or your approach doesn't change, in short order you're going to be reduced to a very insecure person who spends paranoid days simmering in resentment. If it were me, I'd say "I love you. I understand that this is difficult for you on many fronts and that there is no playbook on how to navigate this. You have obligations to three people now, and that will take some time to figure out. But the current situation is not acceptable to me, nor would it be acceptable to any one. You need to figure out soon how to be a good parent to your child and a good friend to your ex in a way that allows you to do most of your parenting as a separated person, and outside the home you shared. I have faith in us. I believe in you. I want us to succeed."

 

And then don't say another word about it unless he wants to talk through solutions. Don't take on the burden of nagging, strategic silences, eye rolling, tense body language etc. etc. Have a long conversation with yourself about what a compassionate, empathetic, clearheaded, realistic person with an equal measure of self respect looks like, and then be her. Try to keep a full and satisfying life at all times. Stay beautiful. Stay interesting. Decide what your limit is, and draw a hard internal line in the sand.

[torranceshipman]

It sounds like he's either trying to negotiate his way to being a good father and dealing with his guilt - or, he hasn't 'left' his ex yet. I mean, he's physically left, but doesnt seem to have 'emotionally' left. That might be normal or it might be a red flag.

 

I think that if you are supportive through these times, you might have a good future, but do bear in mind that he might go back to her too. Its possible that he spends all that time there and keeps you secret because they're reconciling. Hope not, but it really sounds like it might be the case, as much as it could be the case that he's just dealing with this big life change best as he can.

 

I hope it works out!

[NoIDidn't]

I disagree with those that have posted that you are well on your way in a R with this guy. Too many red flags to consider.

 

Now, like 81West, I agree that if he is a decent guy and truly intends to move forward, he should be met with patience and not nagging - but I go even further. He should be given a timeline.

 

I would suggest a timeline to him if I were you. And it would start with giving him 30 days to find an apartment and move out of my place ASAP and NON-NEGOTIABLE. I would NOT want to be caught in the middle of parenting spats between them two. I would NOT want or need your presence to cause the child or its mother anxiety.

 

So much to be concerned with in this.

 

1. He lied about who he was living with.
   
2. He lied about even having a girlfriend - of omission - still a lie
   
3. He is basically setting himself up to leave you in the lurch financially by stating that he is still helping her to pay the mortgage because he doesn't want them to give up the house. What? Does he want it to still be there in his name should he decide to run back to it?
   
4. He didn't have a real plan. He just felt he needed to make good on his words by his actions. You need a plan. He has to untangle their finances in a reasonable time and manner. He needs to arrange for the support of his child beyond the mortgage - she may very well take him to court for child support one day.
   

None of this sounds positive. Sorry about the digs at him but he doesn't have his sh*t together and is going to cause you a world of hurt if he continues to fly by the seat of his pants. Get clarity on those issues and then the red flags are fixed but if he hems and haws, fugetaboutit.

[jj33]

NID I would have to agree with most of what you said. Could he go back to gf good chance based on these facts very possibly, but I think that is true in most cases.

 

Its very very early days and it seems to me that she does herself more favors giving him the benefit of the doubt at least for a little while.

[whichwayisup]

No matter what, he is going to put his child first and it is best for him to find a place of his own asap!

 

You two need to SLOW DOWN and date. Allow him time to get things in order, make arrangements when it comes to his child.. He also WILL be grieving the loss of his relationship with his girlfriend, like it or not - He's human and I'm sure even though he loves you, he is hurting about breaking up with her and also changing his child's life as they are no longer under one roof together.

 

You can't expect him to focus on your relationship right now because he's just 3 weeks new into this change. Don't put demands, expectations on him, he can't give you all that you want so quickly, which is WHY I'm suggesting you two DO NOT LIVE together, he SHOULD be staying at a friends house, not yours during all this. Date him, get to know him, do it the proper way.

 

He shouldn't have to tell his ex about you, she needs time to grieve the loss and get used to being on her own, him telling her is just pouring salt in her wounds.

 

Also, she IS going to be in your life forever so it's best not to make waves and force him to tell her about you..This needs to happen on his time frame and most of all, for his child too.

[NoIDidn't]

No matter what, he is going to put his child first and it is best for him to find a place of his own asap!

 

You two need to SLOW DOWN and date. Allow him time to get things in order, make arrangements when it comes to his child.. He also WILL be grieving the loss of his relationship with his girlfriend, like it or not - He's human and I'm sure even though he loves you, he is hurting about breaking up with her and also changing his child's life as they are no longer under one roof together.

 

You can't expect him to focus on your relationship right now because he's just 3 weeks new into this change. Don't put demands, expectations on him, he can't give you all that you want so quickly, which is WHY I'm suggesting you two DO NOT LIVE together, he SHOULD be staying at a friends house, not yours during all this. Date him, get to know him, do it the proper way.

 

He shouldn't have to tell his ex about you, she needs time to grieve the loss and get used to being on her own, him telling her is just pouring salt in her wounds.

 

Also, she IS going to be in your life forever so it's best not to make waves and force him to tell her about you..This needs to happen on his time frame and most of all, for his child too.

 

You know, I was going to suggest that he tell the ex about her, but decided to delete it for the reason that you stated and the fact that it really doesn't matter if things are really over between them on his end.

 

He needs his own place so his child can visit him without the weirdness of a strange woman around Dad. His ex shouldn't have to have her anxiety level raised because of his living arrangements when it comes to her child.

 

When the OW starts demanding that the ex knows that she exists, it smacks of "marking" ones territory and stating "ownership" of the man in question. I am not stating this to start a posting war between the two factions. Just to state that its not a good idea to do it as the relationship that you want will not be achieved when you start it by encouraging acrimony. An ex has no choice but to accept that the man will have someone new in their lives one day (maybe sooner than they knew or would have liked, but that's no matter once you are an ex). But what's sorely missing often is the acceptance from the current partner that the man has a past that includes the ex and likely always will when children are involved.

[whichwayisup]

I agree. The child should NOT have to meet her yet..This has to happen in time, I mean the kid JUST lost security and home as he/she knows it. I really hope this guy shields his child and puts him/her first and doesn't introduce and involve the OP in his kids life, not for a long time.

 

When the OW starts demanding that the ex knows that she exists, it smacks of "marking" ones territory and stating "ownership" of the man in question

 

I agree again with you on this.

[Mino]

I will also add into the mix that he needs his own place... to grieve, to be depressed, and to have the child for overnight stays. My sm moved out twice. and within weeks, moved back home. The wife would not allow me contact with the child, which she can do during the seperation. This is the third time of him moving out, but this time he has his own Place.