He left her and is now with me but its not all roses around the door just yet!

[NoIDidn't]

Hi LadyCakes, this sounds awful! He tells people you're having sex but wont tell them you're a couple, only really sees you at nighttime when he stays over (i.e. is only there for the hanky panky), doesnt tell the 'ex' that he's got a new partner, spends the WHOLE day with her and has already planned to spend all significant parts of the vacation period with her? And says he wont even change anything until at least Christmas? This sounds horrible, and she doesnt sound much like an ex! I bet the 'ex' thinks he's just 'on a break', or sorting out his head or something, and sounds like theres something still going on. So sorry to see so many flags but I think he is disrespecting you. Get out now before you see a miserable home alone christmas, waiting for him NOT to turn up, to unfold!

 

Maybe I missed something, but I don"t see any proof that this guy has ACTUALLY left anyone. I think he's still there sleeping with both of you.

If you look at it, you have no proof that this guy has left. He's some great father spending all that time. That's more time than I spend with moine and I'm a single parent? He's lying.

 

He may have told her that he works different hours or something. Maybe, you threatended to leave him if he did not leave her and so he has invented this separation.

 

 

The red flags are all over the place and now you are adding to them, LC. It is NOT acceptable to offer your heart up on a silver platter to make him feel better. He needs to come out with the R with you before Thanksgiving because after that, you are looking at almost after Valentine's Day. Seriously. People generally don't make major changes around the holidays. New Year's and Valentine's Day included in that.

 

You are allowing him to disrespect you and your home when he comes back when he feels like it after spending all day with them. If I were her, I would be thinking that we still have a chance of making it, he's spending all day with us, this is just temporary.

 

Don't let this R be a rest stop in his journey back home and get trounced in the interim. Time to set up some boundaries.

[Billie63]

Hi all,

 

Your right, im seeing the red flags but the christmas thing was sort of my idea...my idea of a comprimise as he asked what i thought he should do. If i had a kid i would want to see them on christmas day so thats why i suggested he go round there in teh morning but i think him spending the eveing with me would be fair...not perfect but fair

LC

 

Yes it was your idea but he manipulated you into saying it. When you get into your 40s like your guy (and me) you learn how to ease people into doing things your way.

 

He knows you have a lovely nature and that you would suggest he spend the morning with his child. He already had that "but what shall I tell the ex about the evening" line all worked out. I can assure you that his ex and he talked about christmas earlier in the day and she expects him to spend the whole day with them.

[whichwayisup]

He isn't going to leave his kid on Christmas day and that includes into the evening for Christmas dinner.

[OWoman]

To all you ladies/guys who have now entered a relationsip with their MM/MW, how are you all coping with the moral and financial obligations that have been leftover from their past realtionships??? Should anyone really have to put up with their partner spending 6 days a week with their ex...regardless of whether they have a child or not? Sould anyone in a long term realtionship have to put up with their partner financially suppporting their ex (not the child) in the long term WHEN THEY WERE NEVER MARIED!!!!?? It annoys me that they never got married and now he feels that he has to financially support her as if they had been married for 22 years! If you dont enter the unity of marriage then dont expect all the benefits that marriage gives you when you split up, I say!

 

My MM and his W were together for decades. But the law is quite clear on financial obligations - even split. In fact, if it went to court, she'd end up paying him maintenance as he supported her career and she now earns more than him - but he's happy just to do the "clean break". In your MM's case, the law would probably require some kind of "rehabilitative maintenance" at most - some initial financial help to get her on her feet - unless you're in a country where she has access to social support grants for that purpose? Beyond that, his financial obligations toward his child are 50% of all expenses.

 

Moral obligations toward the child would depend on the custody arrangement - again, without a formal D process to legislate this, you're stuck with informal agreements unless he wants to pursue some formal arrangement through the Welfare?

[OWoman]

He isn't going to leave his kid on Christmas day and that includes into the evening for Christmas dinner.

 

Since you'll be "out" as a couple by then anyway, why not invite the kid to join the two of your for Christmas dinner? That way he doesn't have to choose, and can spend the time with the two people he loves best.

[whichwayisup]

Since you'll be "out" as a couple by then anyway, why not invite the kid to join the two of your for Christmas dinner? That way he doesn't have to choose, and can spend the time with the two people he loves best.

 

Seeing as it's been less than a month, that's not such a good idea.

 

Why is it a child should HAVE to meet and be involved with the affair partner so soon after a marriage breaks up? Give the kid time to adjust and heal. His/her little world has been changed and I highly doubt the kid would want to be with daddy and his new girlfriend at Christmas time. It's TOO soon. This will be the first Xmas for the kid not to have both his parents under the same roof, that's hard enough to deal with. And, it should be what's easiest (easeist? lol spelling) and best for the child at Xmas time, not what's best and easiest for the OP.

[LadyCakes]

[sIZE=2]Hi everyone,[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Thank you for your continues responses.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]I'm at work at the moment but I thought I would log on as I have updates etc.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Well what can I say....last night was awful. He promised me he would take me out to celebrate the end of my exams so after work I went home and got ready then he picked me up after he had finished work at 8. I could tell from the moment he walked in the door that something wasn't quite right although he was being nice etc. He took me out for dinner and everything was fine. I was really happy to see him and I was looking forward to a nice evening.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Then it all started to go horribly wrong. We were having our starters and he got a text. He got his phone out and started reading it, then started huffing and puffing as the content of the text must have irritated him. I tried to mind my own business but when your having dinner with someone and they are not talking to you...its annoying. So I asked him, what's up? Without looking at me or talking he just put his hand up in my general direction as if to say "not now, I'm busy". I was pretty disgusted with that as its one thing being rude generally but being rude at the dinner table when your on a date is another thing......sorry, I'm a stippler for manners![/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Anyway, as if that wasn't bad enough, he then proceeded to text back to whoever and ignore me for over ten mins. I know ten mins is not a lot of time but when your sat in a restaurant on a date and your date is not even acknowledging your presence it seems like a very long time indeed. People started looking over in my general direction on the other tables with a look of pity and as if to say "how rude is your date being, you poor thing".[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Anyway, after about 10 mins I had had enough of feeling like lemon so I asked him if he could stop playing with his phone and asked him what the texting session was all about. He shot me a look as if to say none of my business but then told me in a really aggressive tone that it was "her", meaning the ex. I asked what she wanted and why he was texting his ex while we were on a date and he said that she had just text him to let him know that their child wasn't very well so she was going to take the day off the following day to look after him (which meant that my boyfriends dad would not be able to look after the child as was previously agreed). So, he had to text his dad to let him know etc. I said, "Oh, right" and asked if his little one was ok. He said he didn't know but it was probably just a cold. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Then things got even worse. He could tell I was p*ssed that he had ignored me and started turning everything around on me saying "well maybe you should go out with ***** (a guy whom I know who has a crush on me but the feelings not reciprocated), saying that he wouldn't ignore me and he would treat me better etc. So childish, I refused to lower myself to that level by replying. Then he started eating his food like a complete slob and being loud and obnoxious. I said "why are you acting like this?" and he said "am I not posh enough for you, I bet ***** would hold his cutlery properly etc" - I'm cringing writing this as its so pathetic. Its hard to believe sometimes that he is in his 40's and I'm only in my mid 20's.....he was acting like a spoilt brat! I should fill you in that my ex was quite a well off businessman so I suppose he may feel a little intimidated...but that guy betrayed me and I hate him so why he should feel threatened by the memory of my ex just because he went to work in a suit and my new guy doesn't.....its ridiculous...I'm not shallow like that, and the question of money despite what I have said here about my long term concerns it really doesn't bother right now...I just wanted to make sure that if I ever had kids with this guy that he would be able to contribute to our family instead of all his cash going to the ex. Anyway...I digress.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Well it was an awful meal. The food was great but the company was awful. We drove home in pretty much silence. He said on the way back "I need to go to sleep as soon as we get in baby as I have to be up early". Which basically translated as - I don't want to talk about anything that has upset you tonight and I certainly don't want to sleep with you. Charming![/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]We got home and then it went from bad to worse. I told him that I thought his behaviour was appalling tonight and he really upset me but making me look like lemon in front of everyone at the restaurant. I said I didn't think it was right that he was on his phone texting his ex while we were on a date. I said if it was important and about your child then fine, but just tell me that and then text her back and don't leave me sitting there looking like a fool. He want mental and told me that no woman was going to tell him what he can and cant do...not that bit*h at home and not me. He then got up and said he wasn't staying with me and was going back to work to sleep there. I begged him not to go but he just walked out. I tried to call him as he was driving off but he ignored four calls from me. I left it and about 20 mins later he wrote me a text which said "Baby I am sorry for upsetting you tonight I am a bit fu*ked up in the head still regarding everything and really didn't mean to take it out on you. I just get really angry with life sometimes. If you would rather not see me anymore I will totally understand as you can do a lot better. I am going to stay at work tonight, I'm sorry but I really don't want to talk tonight xx". [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Then about 5 mins later he sent me another msg saying "I do love you and I'm really sorry for hurting you". I didn't text back and just went to bed. I text him in the morning and said we needed to talk and he said that he would call me tonight.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Last night was the first time in almost 10 months when I thought to myself that I may not want to be with this man. Then a huge part of me said to my inner thoughts that he is going through such a hard time at the moment and I should be understanding. The real problem is, and like I said to him when we were arguing, was that since we became a proper couple he has not once said to me how happy he is that we are finally together. Whenever I have asked him he just say's " well I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the moment, yes I love you but I'm now broke and a part time father".[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]So here I am at work. I've tried not to think about it too much but I know he will call me in the next few hours and we will talk.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]I don't want to break up with him but at the same time I don't want this either. For us to be together it now needs to be on my terms with me getting the respect I deserve.....the thing is I don't know how to say this to him........I'm so tired and I'm in love with someone who last night made me feel like a worthless little girl. I know this isn't the "him" that I fell in love with and I want him back as I know he and I are so good together .....how do I get this sorted guys...I really need your help...[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]LC[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][/sIZE]

[All Star]

Wake uP!

 

Married men pick fights just to get out of the house for the night and cheat with wife or whomever. He's texting so that you can't hear the conversation. OR to start this whole thing and piss you off so that he could get out of the house that night and have sex with someone else.

[All Star]

Wake uP!

 

Married men pick fights just to get out of the house for the night and cheat with wife or whomever. He's texting so that you can't hear the conversation. OR to start this whole thing and piss you off so that he could get out of the house that night and have sex with someone else.

 

 

You know all this because why won't you call him back on his phone immediately once you get the text? You know he won't answer and you know why. If he is just at work, he can get calls on his cell phone.

[Mino]

I think he is feeling sorry for himself.. Broke and a part time dad...He has not had the time to go through the grieving process.. He knows he is not capable of giving back to you now. More guilt. He might slowly be resenting you thats why the bad tone, and the disrepect. He may want you to break it off so he wont be the bad guy...Best thing to do at this point is back off.. Let him do his grieving and sorting out...Time will tell..And if your out to dinner again, or in any other situation where he becomes moody and disrespectful, just get up and leave... you dont need to put up with that. Tell him you will not put up with his bad behavior...

[Mino]

Wake uP!

 

Married men pick fights just to get out of the house for the night and cheat with wife or whomever. He's texting so that you can't hear the conversation. OR to start this whole thing and piss you off so that he could get out of the house that night and have sex with someone else.

sex with someone eles??? Your kidding right? That is just crazy, the man is greiving, why do you think of stupid crap like that? Geeezzzz

[wildsoul]

Awww...that really sucks. You must be exhausted today.

 

He is pushing you away with his obnoxiousness, either consciously or unconsciously. But in either case, he's sabotaging your relationship now. Trying to sort out why seems like a waste of time. You can decide based objectively on his actions. He was being a real prick last night, goading you into a fight then talking about you dating someone else. Ugh.

 

Maybe a time-out is in order.

 

Did you ever look up that book I told you about?

[wildsoul]

sex with someone eles??? Your kidding right? That is just crazy, the man is greiving, why do you think of stupid crap like that? Geeezzzz

Because this one likes to punish OW by playing on their fears and kicking them when they're down.

[child_of_isis]

He is living a double life. This is not going to turn out well.

 

 

Maybe I missed something, but I don"t see any proof that this guy has ACTUALLY left anyone. I think he's still there sleeping with both of you.

If you look at it, you have no proof that this guy has left. He's some great father spending all that time. That's more time than I spend with moine and I'm a single parent? He's lying.

 

He may have told her that he works different hours or something. Maybe, you threatended to leave him if he did not leave her and so he has invented this separation.

[BettyBoop]

These things stood out...

 

[sIZE=2]

Last night was the first time in almost 10 months when I thought to myself that I may not want to be with this man.

 

...was that since we became a proper couple he has not once said to me how happy he is that we are finally together. Whenever I have asked him he just say's " well I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the moment, yes I love you but I'm now broke and a part time father"...

 

... I know this isn't the "him" that I fell in love with and I want him back as I know he and I are so good together

 

Remember, you fell in love with a man you never had to see this side of. You fell in love with the side of himself that he choose to show you. His childish behaviour, rudeness and lack of manners...this might be the real him - but you never saw it before because he chose not to display that side to you.

 

Instead of saying "YES I am happy that we are finally together...BUT I am now broke..." etc he just tells you "...I love you but...". I would myself be offended by this. He is either happy about it or he isn't. Despite things going around in his life.

 

I don't know about you - but I prefer men who can take a break for 20 min and then get the hell back and talk things over. Not going to sleep with feelings of hurt and resentment!

[LadyCakes]

Hi all,

 

Wow, what an exhausting day.

 

Oh by the way i ordered that book...how to survive your boyfriends divorce...hopefully it will help.

 

Well, we didnt talk all day. hen he called me at 8pm and we talked for an hour. Told him how hurt i am etc and he said he was sorry but is feeling a little suffocated at the moment because we have become "like a married couple" as we are living together. I said i understood that but we are only living together as im trying to help him. We agreed that he needs to move into his own place asap as this isnt working.

 

I think im going to back off. Dtart seeing my friends more and getting my own life back instead of it revolving arond him like it has for almost a year. He needs to sort his **** out and i cant take this disrespect anymore.

 

Im going out with one of my girlfriends tomorrow and im going to dance my butt off and have a laugh. He and I asre seeing eachother on Sunday. Im going to suggest we go for a long walk in a nice park near me and im going to tell him that im going to give him his grieving space and in the meantime when we do see each other then i am not going to take being spoken to like that. I will tell him what i expect from a realatinship and all the things we have spoken about regarding us comming out and then i will see his response. Maybe he isnt ready for the type of relationship i want???

 

He said to me on the phone that he wasnt sure that I was mature enough to handle this situation. Im pretty narked at that as even tho im in my 20's i am very mature and have been through alot in my life so its not be that isnt mature enough....its him.

 

God, i do love this man...the one i have got to know....i hope this new side of him is not the real him....im not sure i can love this new man.

 

I dont think he left last night to have sex with someone else. But i see why you might think that nonetheless.

 

Right, im going to bed.

 

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

LC

[Lizzie60]

Poor guy.. give him a chance.. he's grieving.. for pete's sake..

take all the anger and bitterness he will spew on you.. just smile and say 'It's OK hon.. I love you you can treat me anyway you want.. I will always love you.. poor you..'

[Mino]

Because this one likes to punish OW by playing on their fears and kicking them when they're down.

Wildsoul. all star said he is picking a fight to have sex with someone eles... which I think is absurd

[frannie]

He said to me on the phone that he wasnt sure that I was mature enough to handle this situation.

 

Wow. That's rich, isn't it?

[BettyBoop]

he said he was sorry but is feeling a little suffocated at the moment because we have become "like a married couple" as we are living together.

 

I'd say this shows he doesn't think it's fun anymore when it's not the "thrill, secrets and passion" - perhaps he thought it was going to be oh so different? I'd say that line of his is a big warning sign...but maybe I'm wrong?

[LadyCakes]

[sIZE=2]Hi everyone,

Well, things have calmed down a lot since I last spoke to you.

We managed to have a chat on Sunday when we were driving to the cost for the day. I told him what I expected from a relationship, how he had hurt me and what I wouldn't put up with. In turn he told me that he isn't ready for marriage, babies etc...just yet and wants us to have fun....but wouldn't rule it out in a few years time. This is good, as I don't want any of that until our relationship is as close to perfect as it can be.

He has seen a flat and has now put down a holing deposit and is hoping to move into that at the end of November.

So all in all things are ok.

He had a day off today and of course has gone round there to see his child. He text me earlier to say he would be back to mine late (between 8.30-9pm tonight) as he wants to bathe his child and put them to bed. Sounds fine I guess but I just have a question for all those people with kids.......what time does a 17month old child usually go to bed????? I don't think when I was little I was allowed to stay up until 8.30 when I wasn't even 2 years old! Should my red flags be going up again or is this around a normal bedtime for a kid these days??????

LC

[/sIZE]

[jwi71]

My kids (5 and 3) are in bed at 8:30 and if I recall...at 17 months they were in bed at about the same time. For me...seems ok.

 

Of course, being in bed and actually being asleep are two totally different things....

[Angel1111]

JUST LEAVE IT ALONE AND STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT!!!!

 

Don't worry about his kids, their bedtime, when they have dinner, or what time they wake up in the morning. You're not their mother and you're not HIS mother. Just step away from the insanity!!!! I can't empahsis this enough. What he fell in love with in you is that you didn't represent all the stress that goes with his current marriage and you were the calm in the midst of a storm. Don't forget that. Yes, your marriage with him will probably be totally different. But just DATE him for now and forget about his other life. Let him work it out. Men are totally insulted by women constantly stepping in and questioning their every move. Let him figure out how to deal with his ex and his kids. He'll totally LOVE you even more for it.

 

I went through a LOT more stress when I divorced the husband that I had a child with. It was incredibly confusing and the guy I was dating at the time decided that I didn't love him as much as he loved me because of how distracted I was. Well, he was dead wrong. But I COULD NOT focus on him the way he wanted me to and it broke us up. If you stay on this path you're on, the same thing will happen because you bf will not be able to deal with added stress in his life. I'm trying to tell you that you cannot comprehend what your bf is dealing with. And here's the funny part - neither can he. He may even tell you he's fine but he won't be. Just let him handle this and be his friend, supporter and lover. That's all he wants from you - just listen and be there for him.

[Billie63]

Ladycakes, although not a mum myself, 8.30 sounds about right. Once they've had a bath, it can take a couple of hours for them to get off to sleep - depends on what the child is like - my great nephew likes to fight sleep!

[All Star]

LadyCakes,

 

I don't understand!! Why are you wasting your time? He's dosn't like you making demands about what you expect like a real girlfriend,wife or human beings in general.

 

You're going to need to keep this lite or he's going to really stay home with wife. You were fun and now you're not. If he wanted more of the real life stuff, he could just stay at home with the family. I'm not trying to knock this b/c he is married. This is jsut some married guy cheating you aand making a fool of you. I don't like that part.

 

My 7 year old is in bed by 8pm.