He left her and is now with me but its not all roses around the door just yet!

[Lookingforward]

Mine moved into his own place but only 5 minutes from the kids, he was there every day - when he finally went back I told him "you never really "left", you just thought you had".

 

Maybe one day when the kids are grown he'll actually move out, not just physically.

[jj33]

LF I am sorry it didnt work out differently for you but I know of a number of people that live just a few minutes minutes away it works really well because custody is so much easier the children can walk back and forth between the parents homes in some cases and the fathers feel that they have not left the children. I have one friend who was living 20 minutes away and moved closer because the neighborhood where he lived with his wife was a better place for the children on the weekends.

 

Staying close for the sake of the children doesnt mean the man hasnt left. It means he feels a desire to remain a part of their lives - he is their father.

[Lookingforward]

jj I know, I moved to where he was so that he wouldn't have to leave his children to be with me.

 

But in my case it just gave her frequent opportunities to "guilt" him into returning once I physically showed up. Before that she didn't seem to care overmuch that he'd left the home.

[jj33]

What a nightmare for you. Sounds like you did everything you could to support his relationship with his family. Sorry you had to go through that.

[Lizzie60]

I will be brutally honest with you.. I think he's playing you for the time being..

 

You've been dating 9 months and he's been with her 22 years.. I know that this doesn't mean that much but I think he omitted one more reason not to tell her : (keep in mind he asked her for a TRIAL separation)...

 

1) he didn't want to hurt her any more than he has done (but he hasn't hurt her as much as he already did for real.. she just doesn't know yet);

 

2) that she will make it difficult for him to see his son;

 

but he forgot a very important reason:

 

3) that if he wants to go back.. she'll take him back, since she has no clue he left for another woman.

 

He's lying to you AND to her.. IMO...

 

How can you NOT see that this guy is NOT being fair to you and to her.

 

Of course he will support her financially, since he hasn't broken up with her yet.. and I doubt he ever will...

 

I think you're in for a ride.. and a painful one.. sorry but this is what I feel from your post.

 

In a lot of countries, common-law is recognized just as much as marriage.. so he could have some obligations towards her..

[Lizzie60]

I also should add.. that, let's say, he does end up with you.. then he will look like the 'good guy' who never cheated on his W.. he left before then met someone.. you see what I mean..

 

Not that it's a bad thing.. but it's exactly what he's thinking.. just not saying it out loud.. and he wants to keep her in a safe place just in case it doens't work out with you..

 

So methink you will have to live as the OW (secrecy) for quite some time..

[torranceshipman]

Unusually :D I really agree with Lizzie here, she made some good points in her last post...

[Angel1111]

I think that's it's really important that he get his own place. That way, he can set up a place where his son can be with him. Also, it will allow the two of you to 'date' after a few months have passed. It's really not appropriate for you to spend time with his son yet because your bf needs to adjust to being on his own with his child. The child is pretty young so I doubt that it would bother him if you were around, though.

 

I think your bf is doing the right thing and it shows extremely good character that he takes care of the people in his life. A relationship of 22 yrs does not disappear overnight and you must back off, not offer opinions and not get impatient with him as he goes through this. There may even come a point when he considers going back to her but you've got to let him go through that process in his mind. I doubt that he'll go back because it sounds like the two of you have a great relationshp. But I can't emphasis enough that you have to be patient, understanding, and non-judgmental as he goes through this. He's lucky to have you and I'm sure he knows that. Just let him handle things in the way he's the most comfortable with. You know that he'll take care of you, too, because he has shown you how he takes care of people.

 

As far as his ex - or anyone for that matter - knowing about your affair, it's not information that you want people knowing, so I think he's handling it correctly. As you know, people can be very judgemental about that and it's just going to create new problems to deal with.

 

So just sit back and don't sweat this. You're going to have ups and downs - just expect that. Just be there to listen to him because he needs that more than anything else.

 

I'm so happy for you and wish you both the best of everything.

[Reggie]

I think you've astutely identified the stressors that may doom this relationship. It's premised on dishonesty and an attempt to maintain the subterfuge of the affair. So, as you point out, you cannot openly enjoy many of the activities that folks in honest relationships can.

I see nothing unfair about his decision to continue supportuing his ex and the child. As another poster points out, this was the bargain they struck and she is relying on it. He has a moral obligation to keep up his end.

As far as what the future holds, I'd say it's very likely that you will not be able to maintain the lie about the inception of the cheating. You'd be surprised(maybe not) about how much his girlfriend proably knows or suspects. Also, others that you may not be aware of probably know of this.

So, you will be dealing with a stepchild that knows you were instrumental in hurting his mom> Youer own children may ultimately come to know of the genesis of the relationship, although , depending on your values, that may not matter to you.

His time may be divided between his child and you and your children. His financial resources will also be spread. You know this going in.

You may also have to deal with trust issues as you have seen, firsthand, that he is lacking in integrity. He has seen the same in you, as you were complicit in this.

I'd give odds that this will not work, although the stats say there is a shot at it, a very long shot, though. But, invariably, each affair partner thinks his or her situation is the exception.

This relationship is fraught with issues of dishonesty, financial burdens, and time division issues. All of these will put enormous stress on the relationship, IMO. I'd bail , despite what your heart says. This is the female equivalent of a guy thinking with his dick.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Ladycakes,

 

Hey - I'm from the UK too!

 

From someone who has walked a mile in your shoes - its a difficult time. Its hard to negotiate your needs and expectations of your relationship whilst striking a balance in supporting him through a traumatic period of change in his life.

 

That said, and I hate to say it because I know how hard it is to hear, I do see red flags in his actions. He spends as much time as he can with his child which is warranted and plausible. However, upon leaving a relationship, if he was to fully have both feet out of the door emotionally and physically, there would be a desire to start afresh and allow his significant other do that also. He should also want to prove to you his dedication to your relationship, not just by leaving but by committing fully to an open for-all-to-see relationship.

 

I'm echoing Lizzie's post here. Maybe I'm jaded by my own past experiences, but I think the reason he keeps you secret is probably similar to most MM who act in the same way...

 

1) He doesn't want to burn his bridges. He has a 22-year-long relationship. Perhaps it has occurred to him that this relationship may be stale, yet not past it's sell-by-date. He may be toe-dipping into your life to see how it fairs him there. If it's good - great! If it's not so good, his SO continues to want him back and no bridges have been burnt, paving the way for his return.

 

2) He's scared - his child is there. How would he feel if another man stepped into his house, his SO's bed and more importantly, as a father figure to his child? He doesn't know how he would feel about that yet. Telling all and sundry about his new relationship effectively releases her to find someone new.

 

3) He's consumed with guilt. His SO is all of a sudden paying more attention to him, to their relationship, to fixing problems. He sees himself as the cause of her pain, her loneliness and cannot emotionally detach from her.

 

There's probably numerous more red flags that anyone could look for, but the above come from personal experience. However, I don't want to scare you. As you say, he's a good, caring man and you love him - and you know him best, better than any of us on this forum.

 

But...my opinion?

 

I feel the biggest red flag is how he is treating you. His SO (whom he cares for but no longer loves) is treated carefully, with kid-gloves to ensure that good relations continue. However, the person who he wants to continue a relationship in the future, the perosn he has fallen in love with, is asked to remain secret, to understand, to trust him while he spends time with his child and SO, to financially support him.

 

He should be giving YOU a preview to an exciting, loving future ahead with him. Even if he needs all the support in the world, surely his main focus should be to ensure the relationship that he left his SO for is a main priority behind his child?

 

Be clear, concise and specific about YOUR requirements and expectations of your relationship with him. Give the structure you require now and let him meet your requirements. Otherwise, I feel the future will be a rocky one for you both.

[GPFan]

Wow, excellent thread with responsive posts from all sides!

 

I have asked him why the heck did he have a child with someone he wasnt in love with...and why after 20 years! Your right...it is so strange. He said that although they never really talked about chilren for most of their relationship she started to want one a few years ago (while she still could i guess) and he thought, in a strange sort of way that he owed it to her give her a child. Dont get me wrong he is an amazing father and loves his child so much but it is obvious from the conversations that we have had that it wasnt a mutual desire to really have a child and even tho he loves his child now that the little one is here, he acknoledges that in hindsight it wasnt the best move considering that they were in a pretty love less realtionship.

I incredulous of his statement, to say the least. Unless she deceived him into getting pregnant, and it is clear she didn't, then he must have wanted this as much as she did. How odd he would wave the wand of doubt over his decision to have this child. Perhaps it is guilt speaking, guilt over leaving the child at such a tender age.

 

 

 

He has given up alot for me (a beautiful home, a partner he has had for 22 years and being a full time dad). I in return will give him my support and love...your right, it is a small proce to pay.

You have no idea how refreshing it is to read this on this forum. No idea...

 

 

 

Have you talked about having children together? Do you know that he wants more children? If you haven't discussed it, you might want to have that conversation so you aren't expecting something that isn't in line with what he wants or doesn't want.

 

Seems like your expectations about what would happen after he left his gf aren't in line with his intentions, so maybe you need to make sure this imaginary family you're planning is what he is planning too!

Good points norajane. My fear would be he will repeat, as a pattern, the epiphany of realising once the child is two- or three-years of age that he, once again, made the mistake of bringing a child into a 'loveless' relationship.

 

It can't be said for sure this will be a pattern but until he looks, really looks, at his fears and motivations then it can't be said for sure that it won't be.

[frannie]

I think JNRR makes some great points, having been there herself.

 

I feel the biggest red flag is how he is treating you. His SO (whom he cares for but no longer loves) is treated carefully, with kid-gloves to ensure that good relations continue. However, the person who he wants to continue a relationship in the future, the perosn he has fallen in love with, is asked to remain secret, to understand, to trust him while he spends time with his child and SO, to financially support him.

 

He should be giving YOU a preview to an exciting, loving future ahead with him. Even if he needs all the support in the world, surely his main focus should be to ensure the relationship that he left his SO for is a main priority behind his child?

 

The eternal problem with this is, that the pattern of an affair sets the OW up to be the 'understanding' one throughout the affair and at what point does she get to put her foot down and begin to demand to be put first? Where there are children in the mix (that are not hers) this is incredibly difficult.

 

Of course you're not looking to be first vs. the kids, you're looking to be first vs. the ex. But when the ex and kids come as a package, its not going to be easy. MM might want to put you first, and as you say treat YOU with kid-gloves, but he's actually used to you 'understanding'. And the xW...? Well the xW can do all sorts of things to ensure that she remains the one cracking the whip, simply because of the fears MM has around his children... access, good opinion, love... the one he's not going to want to upset isn't his future love, but his past one.

[greengoddess]

The problem is you are still a secret. You are still the ow. His home at the moment is with you. If he is living with you then he should be able to take his son to your house around you for the day but he won't because you are a secret. He is still lying to you, to his girlfriend.

How long has he been out of the house? My guess is he has not found his own place to live yet because that would be permanently separating from his girlfriend and he's not ready to do that yet. He's not ready to sign a one year lease and make this all real. He's still on the fence and he is still lying.

[Billie63]

I'm in agreement with lizzie i'm afraid. I think there is a real chance he will go back to his ex, I'm sorry to say that.

 

I think the problems started when the baby was born - after 20 years of no responsibility, suddenly this couple in their forties are weighed down with the hard work of a small baby.

 

I do think he's spending too much time round there - not too much time with his child - but around his ex and his "marital" home.

 

I'd be very careful if I were you - he certainly seems to be hedging his bets.

[Ronni_W]

JJ & Ronni,

Thank you so much for your replies.

Glad I could help, LC.

I *love* your fresh attitude and approach . It'll go such a long way in helping to support a positive transition for both of you, for your step-child, and for your step-child's mother.

Of course all major life changes do have their unique hurdles -- it is how we choose to clamber over (or go around) them that counts in my books.

 

Focus on all the good stuff you have right 'NOW', and just keep working on fulfilling all your individual and mutual dreams. I simply don't see any point or purpose in becoming a "nervous nellie" about things that MAY (or may NOT) go "wrong" at some unspecified point in the future. It's futile and thus makes no sense to me, to do that.

 

Support your own happiness by keeping your own happy thoughts, is my suggestion -- don't give away your power to uplift and encourage yourself and your partner!

[whichwayisup]

The problem is you are still a secret. You are still the ow. His home at the moment is with you. If he is living with you then he should be able to take his son to your house around you for the day but he won't because you are a secret. He is still lying to you, to his girlfriend.

How long has he been out of the house? My guess is he has not found his own place to live yet because that would be permanently separating from his girlfriend and he's not ready to do that yet. He's not ready to sign a one year lease and make this all real. He's still on the fence and he is still lying.

 

It's only been 3 weeks.

[GreenEyedLady]

Ok, different take on this.

 

He was with her 22 years. They have a 2 year old and she doesn't work. What about the other 20 years? She didn't work? Now that they're splitting up, hello, she needs to get a job.

 

I'm sorry how wonderful he is wanting to support his child. But he is moving on from that and with you. Your future is at stake here, too. I don't see anything wrong with them selling the house and going their separate ways. That's what happens when people divorce, they divide property, debts and set up support and maintenance. It doesn't mean you pay the other parties bills for the rest of their life. He needs to do his part. He also needs to do his part for himself. And with you. You're giving him a free ride. Maybe you need to start charging him rent. See what happens when he realizes he actually has to contribute.

 

YOU SHOULD NOT FOR ANY REASON FEEL GRATEFUL THAT HE CHOSE YOU. You should not feel that that reason alone means that you do not have a say in your R. He chose you and this is an equal R. Make your needs known.

 

Quite frankly I see a million red flags here. And I WOULD NOT be quiet about it.

 

I say this because I have lived through my partner's M splitting up. And he did not behave like your guy is behaving at all. He wasn't conflicted at all. And we are happy and things have went smoothly, for everyone.

 

I'd be mad about him being ashamed about me. I'd walk for that though. If he's afraid to go anywhere with you, that would just do it for me. People won't accept you if he won't. That's a red flag because A) it hurts you and he doesn't care and B) it seems like he's leaving the door open to go back home.

 

All the time spent with the X. Sorry another thing he's doing that would get him kicked to the curb. He needs to get his own place and see the child without her. That should be a deal breaker and you are smart to listen to your gut on that one.

 

Don't let him get away with this stuff because you're afraid he'll go home. I'd send him home if I were you anyways right now. 22 years, yeah it's a long time. And how long has he been checked out of the R anyways? If he's so conflicted and guilty, let him go. Until he's ready to accept what he's done, you're going to endure a lot of hurt. Open your mouth and tell him how you really feel.

 

Otherwise, he's going to think doing what he's doing is just fine. And it's not if he truly wants to be with you. Your R should be the priority right now. And it's not. He needs to fix it. And for all those who say no, he's guilty, he's mourning the R, I call bull**** on that. He was just fine when she was the OW. Now that he might actually be called to the carpet for what he has done, he's cowering.

 

You want a man who loves you and shows you. He's not showing you right now. And I KNOW that they can. Because I have one of them. And he takes care of his obligations and sees his children and I never have to wonder if he loves me.

 

GEL

[pelicanpreacher]

Something smells fishy about his life story with his GF. How much do you really know about this woman, their relationship, or her financial picture? What if part of the allure for his relationship with her is that she has independent wealth on which she relys that was used to aquire all of their holdings and has financially sustained their relationship for the past 22 years? What if he needs her for the social connections she and her family provides that sustain his business endeavors? What if he's not been completely honest about the depth of love or level of emotional attachment he continues to maintain with her?

 

It seems odd to me that your BF would remain in a relationship with someone without any legal ties after the emotional aspect has completely dissipated. Any normal person would look at ending this type of relationship in a more businesslike manner by liquidating assets, dispensing with the accrued liabilities, and moving on without emotional guilt unless there was an ulterior motive to stay. Of course, maintaining a relationship with his child is an obvious angle on which to sell the need for patience on your part but, what man in his right mind would purposely impregnate a woman knowing that the relationship they had bore no future and financially obligate himself for 18 years of child support?

 

He might show himself to be a decent and caring man on the surface but something is amiss here and you need to find out exactly what it is or prepare yourself for a long, long, long, LONG road of woe to hoe! I think he's using his son to obscure his ulterior motives for keeping your relationship a secret to ensure whatever he's really hiding from you remains safe and secure from any disruption that might occur by revealing your affair for he may stand to lose a lot more than is obvious if you upset the apple cart! If she doesn't know about you then it's very likely that she isn't aware of his planned lovenest either which allows him to play both sides against the middle for as long as he's amused to do so.

[LadyCakes]

Hi everyone,

 

Wow, thanks for all the replies. Its really great seeing everone's perspective on things.

 

Just to answer someones question about whether he and I have talked about children. Yes we have, and he said that he definately wants to have more kids but not with his ex (obviously)!. He said that the tought of us having a child, some day, makes him really happy but like i said before its just a day dream as there is no way we are ready for that. Plus im not going to bring another life into this mess unless its all sorted out and he and I are both really happy...which at the moment, because of the "situation" neither of us 100% are.

 

Well he is "round there" at the moment seeing his child. He is coming back tonight but im starting to really question whether i can, in reality, handle this. I mean what the hell are they talking about now and everyday he is round there? Nothing has been finalised regarding their finances so they are not talking about that. He said they never really talked about anything before they split up but i just find it hard to believe (maybe because i am a chtter box) that they just sit there all day making small talk and playing with the baby and not talking about the fact that they have split up or anything....he says "thats's just her" but it doesnt wash with me.

I dont think for a second that anything physical is going on if you get my meaning but im finding myself once again getting really really stressed out about it. Oh by the way, incase you hadnt gathered in in a bit of a bad mood today and this is probably why im geting so stressd when yesterday i was quite calm (then again we did spend the whole day together yesterday).

 

To top it all off I called him earlier to ask him what he wanted for dinner as im cooking tonight and the call went to voicemail (not straight away but eventually). Then he text me back and said he was busy with teh baby. I didnt reply and he called me to see if i was ok and ask what i wanted. Anyway it just annoys me that he wont take calls from me while he is there. Then again i know whay he isnt and thats because his ex is there and she doesnt know about me! I know that i know the logic ...so why is it annoying me so much. I also text him earlier and the text is still pending meaning he has turned his phone off. I know the reasons but it still hurts me and in any "normal" realtionship this wouldnt be and shouldnt be an issue!!!!! God that Destiny's Child song "Say my name" springs to mind! lol!

 

He went to see a property today to rent. It was a "no" as apparently it was awful which is fair enough so we will have to keep looking. So he is trying to get a place but its just taking a bit longer than i thought....which if im honest does make me think he is dragging his heels.

 

To all you ladies/guys who have now entered a relationsip with their MM/MW, how are you all coping with the moral and financial obligations that have been leftover from their past realtionships??? Should anyone really have to put up with their partner spending 6 days a week with their ex...regardless of whether they have a child or not? Sould anyone in a long term realtionship have to put up with their partner financially suppporting their ex (not the child) in the long term WHEN THEY WERE NEVER MARIED!!!!?? It annoys me that they never got married and now he feels that he has to financially support her as if they had been married for 22 years! If you dont enter the unity of marriage then dont expect all the benefits that marriage gives you when you split up, I say!

 

Im taking the advice of people on here and being supportive on the outside. But i must admit that on the inside, im screaming!!!

 

It was interesting reading about these red flags! it is the flags which are causing me so much grief. I wish i was a fly on the wall right now!!

 

The reality is, there is nothing i can really say at the moment bacause he is trying to find somewhere to live and while he hasnt got anywhere to take his child during contact he has to, i guess, go round there! If i say "I dont like it" I have to be able to come up with a comprimise to teh situation and at teh moment i dont have one!

 

Financailly too he is getting really pissed off tht he is going to be broke when he gets a place...im finding it really hard to not say "of course your going to be broke your planning on giving your ex all your money!". Why oh why he doesnt sell his house is such a frustrating question. I know the market is bad at the moment but he could sell and divide the large equity and they could both buy their own small places outright! But no, he wants to continue to pay the mortgage on a place he isnt even going to be living and rent a grotty flat and pay through the nose for it!

 

Sorry everyone im really really stressed today. Im supposed to be writing some exams tomorrow and i have got no studying done asall i can think about is him and this stupid situation!

 

Any replies would be great.....you win a prize if you can calm me down...lol!

 

LadyCakes.

 

Ps..sorry about the spellings im angry and typing fast! lol!

[LadyCakes]

....in addittion to the above, i guess what im reaaly unhappy about is this:

 

ok, so he has moved out and is living with me (ie. not staying roud there anymore)...but in reality thats all that has really changed!!!!! Its still exactly like when we were in the A although now he sleeps round my housemost nights (when he isnt working). Other than that, im still a secret, all his stuff is still round there, they still technically live together, they still have joint bank accounts.......its no b**ody different! AAAAAAHHHH!

 

LOL!

[Ronni_W]

I dunno, LC. Will it help to NOT think of him as your "partner" just yet? Cos that is almost closer to the truth, is it not?

 

That is. Is most of your stress and anxiety coming from the fact that it is your "partner" acting this way (or, from more of a victim mindset, "putting you through all this")? Or is it more that you are too delightfully anticipating all the good stuff that you will be sharing in the future, and just getting too awfully impatient about getting 'started' with that?

 

IMHO, it is NOT a "normal" start to a relationship, so the expectation that it ought to 'look' normal is, perhaps, not too logical or reasonable?

 

That said, I do understand the feelings of impatience and as if you aren't in personal control of the when/how of your happiness. But. It IS in your control to love and support how HE feels he needs to do things, right now. (Even if we can't totally see his logic and/or what is driving him, it is still the 'right' thing...for him. If that makes sense?)

 

Hugs and good stuff. Your complete happiness and fulfillment of your desires is JUST making that last turn...hang in there...you CAN do it!!!

 

EDIT: Well, what I'm seeing as the difference is that he IS, in his own way and perhaps at a slower pace than you would want/prefer, but he REALLY is working towards extricating himself. Isn't that a worthwhile enough difference...given that it's only been 3 or 4 weeks since he made this decision?

 

EDIT #2: Sort of. You are *totally* ready. And he is just starting to *get* ready. Different goals and wavelengths. He needs your patience and understanding of what page he is on (because he has more stuff [practical matters] than you, to sort out and transition through.) More of...your turn to give right now, and his turn to receive. That'll get balanced out, in the future.

[Billie63]

Does he spend whole days round there? ie, what time did he get there today and what time will he leave? the reasons I ask is that most two year olds at some point in the afternoon will take a nap for an hour or so. what are they doing meanwhile? talking things through? taking a nap. get the picture?

 

No, they probably are not getting up to any naughtiness. But if I was in that woman's position and wanted him back I'd be doing my best to get him into bed. And she probably has a good suspicion about you too.

[LadyCakes]

Billie63> Yes he spends the whole day round there.He got there around 10am this morning and i guess he will be back around 8-8.30 tonight. He said that he wants to bath his child and put the little one to bed so thats why he will be that late. TI understand that he wants to do this but this amount of time spent round their cant be fair on me...or can it...am i being stupid??

 

You know when i read that post you wrote (even tho i have the same thoughts myself) it made me get that horrible sick feeling in my stomach and i got all hot and paniky. But your so right, if i were he I would be trying to get him into bed. And your right, the child will have naps so what the hell are thay doing/talking about when the little one sleeps?

 

Im sort of consoled by the fact that he told me (and i believe him) that they havent slept together for a very long time (since around the time the child was concieved...so about two years) so maybe that should ease my fears...maybe not.

 

My texts still have not been delivered so his phone is still off...not a good sign! He should be back in a couple of hours and i suppose i just dont know what i should say...should i say anything????

 

Usually i just ask if he has had a nice day with his childand what they got up to. Occasionally i might ask how things were between him and the ex. He will usually reply "Ok i guess, a bit awkward, but just small talk" and that their little one was a good distraction.

 

LC

[Billie63]

I think you need to get an idea of what the routine is when he spends 10 hours there. For example is it just the three of them there or are friends and family coming in and out?

 

Does your man take the baby out on his own for some bonding time? Does he take baby off to see his family for example.

 

It may be entirely innocent and maybe she is not around that much - she may be taking much needed naps while your man looks after the baby. Or she's getting on with housework or goes shopping. Try to get a well rounded picture of what their day is like.

[LadyCakes]

I have tried to do this and from what I have learned I know that he does take his child out and about and there are family members popping in throught the day and he does take his child to see his family so its not like its just them three all day every day. However, there must be hours during the day when it is just them. They must have lunch together etc. Im being paranoid I know but in my heart (or call it womans intuation) something doesnt feel right. What do you all think i should say to him tonight, if anything, when he comes "home".

 

God, im having a bad day. I just want to know the truth! I know that throught an A the OW only gets half the story and at the and of the day if a man breaks up with a woman that he has just has a child with after a very long relationship it seems very strange that its all hunky dorey beween them.....where's the big fall out???

 

LadyCakes