He left her and is now with me but its not all roses around the door just yet!

[Billie63]

I wouldn't broach it tonight. Sleep on it. Tread carefully and try to avoid any tension for now. You don't want to cause a row until you've thought things through. And right now you might say somethign you regret it. Approach this with a cool head.

[Mino]

LC... Does your mm have a job? How can he be there from 10:30 in the morning till 8:00 in the evening every day? My mm picks up the child everyday and goes to the park or something. He does spend a few hours there if its raining.. But she uses this time to run errands. 2 hours max...a day. On his day off he has child, so he can do the bath, dinner...ect. If your mm is spending 10 hours at home with bs, something is up.. He might have left phsically but not emotionally..Just because he does not sleep there, does not constitue a seperation... Being there that many hours give no one a chance to heal, not mm, nor his wife...

[wildsoul]

Hi there LC,

 

Take a breath girl and slow waaaay down. It's going to be okay.

 

I'm in a very similar situation, a little ahead of you:

• Met my guy last Jan (10 months now.)
  
• He was married for 16 years.
  
• No kids, so thankfully we don't have that challenge.
  
• He had a room rental and was spending time away from home since early spring, but he was moving slow on the big separation/divorce.
  
• I'd broken up with him over it at the end of July.
  
• He chose to really move out into a leased apartment 6-weeks ago, and I agreed to get back together with him if he did. My terms were that we had to become a fully above board couple.
  

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS:

Unlike you, I didn't invite him to stay with me. I think you need to get on top of fixing that situation pronto. As others said, he needs to be able to see his child in his home, and it's too early to introduce you.

 

Also, you should have time to see that he is serious about his separation (by him getting his own place) not because you are conveniently there for him. After so many years, it would be good for him to have space to process the life change too.

 

On the upside, when he DOES have his own place, you are going to be so happy. The first time I was driving over to visit him at his home I was beaming a smile a mile wide. At last--our R started to feel normal.

 

MONEY:

You need to back way way off that topic! His finances are none of your business. It's much much too early. I understand that you are looking ahead at your own future, but right now you are a new couple and your money isn't (and shouldn't be) comingled. Let it go!

 

I consider a 22 year R like his to be a M, and I think it's insulting that you would act like it doesn't count because they don't have a piece of paper. He's got 22 years with her. Show some respect. Let him transition. You've got him now. She's losing a HUGE part of her life. Be gracious. Let him help her to transition. Of course she needs a job soon. But give them some time to work it through.

 

I think she should be entitled to whatever a spouse would be. You have to look at this AS IF he was married. Stop pretending otherwise. Also, don't worry that it will go on forever. He won't allow that. After she is transitioned, he'll want to keep more of his money. Let it go for now. Not your business (unless you chose to reject him for being broke, which would be a shame considering that he's broke in order to be single and dating YOU.

 

ON COMING OUT:

That was important to me too and I let my guy know that. Why don't you ask if you can start by introducing him to your friends? Then you will start to get that feeling of being a social couple. Let him know that you want to integrate your lives together gradually. He will naturally start to think about who is "safe" for you to meet first. I'm sure he is proud of YOU, but he might be embarrassed at his friends thinking he is a cheater. That's understandable; it's still very early news.

 

My guy has been integrating with my friends for awhile now, and it's really helped him feel good about us. Me too. It's a step towards becoming US. Last week, he introduced me to his best friend. He has other friends in mind next. He's nervous about his family and in-laws. I'm finding it's best to let him go at his own pace.

 

ON "DIVORCE TIME":

I have many of your same worries. Like you, I noticed that instead of basking in the joy of him being separated, my mind wanted to jump ahead towards working on the next barrier. Jeez. That's not good for me, and it sure as hell isn't good for him. I'm a single woman and am ready to move more quickly. He's made a lot of changes and it seems invalidating to him when I keep trying to move to the next hurdle. He does better when I am appreciative and make sure that we do lots of fun things and bite my tongue on bringing up issues all the time. It's easy to forget that they are still processing a lot of letting go, and be insensitive to the fact that they need to catch their breath.

 

I just finished reading a great book called "How to Survive Your Boyfriends Divorce." It's a must-read. She explains how we can get all caught up in "divorce time," when nothing seems to go fast enough. She cautions how we need to be more reasonable (while also having boundaries.) My fears make me want to have it all wrapped up and in the bag, but that's not realistic.

 

FWIW, I think you are gunning too fast and too hard. BELIEVE ME, I totally understand. I fight against that too. Just try to take a breather. It's only been a few weeks. Let it evolve more organically. That is actually a whole lot safer than you trying to push your agenda. Give him some space to do what he needs to do to be with you. He's just taken a big step!

 

I hope you'll post more here, too. I need to hear from others going through this same process. There are a couple of us that are doing so now, and several who've already come thru it. Sometimes it DOES work, and I want to find out how.

[GreenEyedLady]

To all you ladies/guys who have now entered a relationsip with their MM/MW, how are you all coping with the moral and financial obligations that have been leftover from their past realtionships??? Should anyone really have to put up with their partner spending 6 days a week with their ex...regardless of whether they have a child or not? Sould anyone in a long term realtionship have to put up with their partner financially suppporting their ex (not the child) in the long term WHEN THEY WERE NEVER MARIED!!!!??

 

What moral implications? We're together now. We love each other and everyone knows it. We come from 2 different regions with me moving to his. No one really cares. Life goes on.

 

Financially, we both have more money than before. Go figure. He pays the support he's supposed to and sees his child more than before. We spend time as a family, ours together.

 

I don't know why he wants to spend time with his ex anyways. I'm divorced and my XH is the last person I want to spend time with.

[GreenEyedLady]

....in addittion to the above, i guess what im reaaly unhappy about is this:

 

ok, so he has moved out and is living with me (ie. not staying roud there anymore)...but in reality thats all that has really changed!!!!! Its still exactly like when we were in the A although now he sleeps round my housemost nights (when he isnt working). Other than that, im still a secret, all his stuff is still round there, they still technically live together, they still have joint bank accounts.......its no b**ody different! AAAAAAHHHH!

 

LOL!

 

Put a stop to this. He's using you. Don't let him.

[Lizzie60]

Sorry to break it to you ...but yes.. you're stupid (sorry YOUR words)... he is using you big time.. and you're too taken by him to see that.

 

He is a cake eater ..and why would he have it any other way.. this is perfect for him..

 

His W thinks that he's on a 'break'.. alone and sorting things out...

 

He's keeping everything intact with her..so that she has no doubts..

 

He's keeping you on the side ... cause hey.. while he sorts things out .. he needs sex on the side.. and yep.. you're there.. ohh... how convenient...

 

This guy is a player and you're allowing him to 'fool' you..

 

Sorry I have no sympathy for people who allow people do use them... and make their life miserable.. you have absolutely no reason to let him do this to you..

[pelicanpreacher]

Yep. He's either leading a life of crime or living the life of "Riley"! 10 hours a day with her and most nights with you makes Jack a poor boy if he doesn't have time to make his money. Again the question begs, just how much do you know about the financial picture of his GF for this new revelation regarding the chronology of his days/nights should make make you extremely suspicious on what is what on the money front! You follow the money and you'll find all your answers.

[Ronni_W]

in my heart (or call it womans intuation) something doesnt feel right. What do you all think i should say to him tonight,

LC,

If your heart is saying to not trust him, then the wisest path is to not trust him...that is not anyone else talking, it is your own Heart.

 

Just tell him that you are having misgivings and finding it difficult to trust the situation, given how he is behaving; given everything that he is expecting of you; given everything that he is taking for granted from you.

And then wait to hear what your heart has to say, about how/what he responds.

 

(I just noticed that heart is 'hear' except for one letter at the end. I have NO idea if/how that is related to anything that any of us has ever experienced or will ever experience.)

 

Hugs.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Ladycakes,

 

I'm glad your womens intuition is kicking in - listen to it!

 

From one that knows...

 

You sound like a lovely level headed person, giving MM the support he needs. There does sound like an underlying guilt complex (not surprising if you think he has left for your relationship with him, especially if he's in pain).

 

However, this change in his life can be a traumatic time. He will be comparing notes against old life vs new life. He's not burning his bridges. Basically he is:

 

* Keeping you secret

* Returning home for hours and hours where you don't know if he may be sleeping with wife/emotionally attaching with her/negotiating a return home

* Turning his phone off when he knows this is a period of time where transparency for you is extremely important

* Financially putting pressure on your relationship by fully supporting a previous relationship

* Keeping all areas of his life closed (in secret) whilst you are forced to open your doors and your life to him

 

I was once in exactly the same position. I would smile sweetly, support him - after all - he'd left his children for me! How selfish of me if I was to pipe up and share some of my concerns, some of my paranoia!

 

Wish I had listened to my gut sooner. He was spending hours on end at home, looking after his children, doing jobs around the house - and being woo-ed back into the marital bed by his wife. He'd then return to me later on. Since it's past tense, I could witness the change in him. But at the time, I put it all down to pressure of leaving etc.

 

When I realised this, I talked with him. He told me that he never realised how hard it would be leaving "the lifestyle" behind. Of being a husband, father, all round good guy. He never realised the guilt he would feel when his wife would tell him how lonely she was and how hard it was for the kids to see he wasn't there.

 

I left him.

 

Leaving him was the best thing I did - because it fixed us. He realised his emotional (and physical) attachment to wife remained, but that was all it was. The relationship was almost like a co-dependency, a mixture of love, duty, guilt, resentment, hate, denial, comfort.

 

He sorted himself out, got divorced and now we're together. My rule? No secrets, no lies. I don't have to hide. I don't have to not ring him when he may be with his kids. He can talk to W in front of me now. Everything is now transparent. And thank god, because I was starting to go insane.

 

Nothing is transparent in your relationship - yet - and only you have the power to make it so. Why would MM force transparency when he has the best of both worlds at the moment? What goes on within those four walls when he is there, you have no idea, do you? That tiny niggle of doubt will start to eat away at you and your relationship and you need to confront him now. And he has to respect that for you to continue your relationship with him, he needs to open up the transparency.

 

I used to think that I had to be the most supportive person, the most smiley, lovely girlfriend, who never had a problem. What I eventually realised is by forcing him to live honestly and confront all of the lies he had told, I unburdened him. He was able to look at his life, not through the dark glasses of secrecy but in the open, for all to see, he can now live his life not dreading the next text message or who he might see when he's out with me. He's a different person for it, and so am I.

 

You're still in an affair. All that has changed for your MM is the mattress. Please consider putting your RIGHT to an honest, open, loving relationship first before his needs.

[LadyCakes]

Hi all,

 

You will be please to know im in a better mood today. Last night when he came over he was in a bad mood as the place he went to look at to rent was awful and it depressed him that "this is what his life had come to". We had a conversation that became a bit heated in that i wanted to talk and be honest etc and he said he wasnt in the mood for talking. I gave him some space and then he came over and appologised. He told me that i was wonderful, that he loves me andhe is so sorry for taking out his frustrations on me. He said that im the one good thing in his life and he apprecaites my love and support. We then had a nice evening and he made me breakfast in bed this morning before i went off to do my exam.

 

Im shattered so thats probably why im just letting everything wash over me at the moment but im feeling a bit better today for some reason.

 

He have been round there all day again today with his kid. Until he gets his own place i guess thats just how its got to be...even tho i dont like it. I will be honest tho and say that if, after he has his own place to go to, he still spends this amount of time round there i wont be happy with it. I expect that i shoudl be able totalk about my feelings and even if he doesnt think they are justified then i expect his to reach a comprimise with me. If he wont value my feelings then i would have to re-evaluate the relationship. Im a nice person and i want to be loved the way i deserve to me and he, if he wants to can be everything to be...as long as he shows me respect.

 

The question of christmas came up last night when we were haveing an open honest conversation and he asked me what i would think is acceptable re; seeing me and his child. He is working during the day so i sugested that he go round there in teh morning, wake his child up, open presents etc and play with the child for a few housr before work...go to work...and then see me in the evening. He said he would like to do that and that this idea sounds fair but he has the probelem of what he would tell the ex. Now i dont really care what he tells her but i see his point. He is supposed to be staying with a mate who lives miles away so she will wonder why on earth he wants to see his mate on christmas day instead of coming back after work to see his child some more at christmas!!!!

I said that i understood and him saying he was going back to his friends sounds a little strange to say the least. I said that maybe by chrismas he may have to tell her that he is seeing someone else as nothing else would explain his absence (i didnt say this in a mean way by the way).....what do you all think??

 

LC

[LadyCakes]

Gosh, sorry just saw how many spelling mistakes and typos where in my last post...sorry its been a long day and im soooooo tired! lol!

[GreenEyedLady]

what do you all think??LC

 

Well, I'm pretty out-spoken and that puts some people off. But know what I say, I say with YOUR best interest at heart. An interest in a loving, honest R, because though others will argue, you can have just that.

 

We're talking over 2 months away and someone who is supposed to be an X is still telling him what to do.

 

What do I think?

 

UNACCEPTABLE.

 

Do you want to live the rest of your life tiptoeing around his X? Why are you afraid to say it needs to be this way? Are you that afraid of being alone? If you continue to go down this road, it will become the norm.

 

GEL

[jj33]

Whoa the problem of what to tell his x in 2.5 months? If he doesnt plan on telling her by then... I would see that as a major major red flag.

 

I mean after 2 weeks its one thing. But after 3 months...

 

Perhaps he needs to tell her now that its not a trial. But he defeinitely doesnt need to spend christmas with them. Hard as it will be for her. If he is committed to being with you he is committed to being with you. If he is not ready to do that, he needs to let you know.

[Billie63]

I think the Christmas thing is outrageous. I also think he's setting the scene now so that he will be spending the evening there.

 

He is not answerable to his ex- spending the morning around there is fine. He can just tell her he's working till late and will be too tired to go round there in the evening plus baby will be in bed.

 

Stamp this kind of rubbish out now - he's getting too cosy with his ex if you ask me.

[norajane]

he's getting too cosy with his ex if you ask me.

 

I don't think he's "getting" cozy; he has not yet completely detached, and may never completely detach since she is the mother of his child and he doesn't harbor any bad feelings toward her.

[Billie63]

I don't think he's "getting" cozy; he has not yet completely detached, and may never completely detach since she is the mother of his child and he doesn't harbor any bad feelings toward her.

 

Well you're abslutely right. it's obvious he and the ex had the xmas conversation yesterday and I would bet a week's wages they have agreed that he will be with them christmas evening. His job now is to convince Ladycakes that this is a great idea.

[GreenEyedLady]

I don't think he's "getting" cozy; he has not yet completely detached, and may never completely detach since she is the mother of his child and he doesn't harbor any bad feelings toward her.

 

Cmon. How many divorced/separated people do you know? And how many want to spend every possible minute with their X? Even if they don't harbor bad feelings. Especially holidays?

 

Hmmm, not a single one I know. And certainly not me.

 

I really wonder what happened between the 2 of them. Maybe she made him leave and he's trying to go back. Whatever the case, this is weird. And what about Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve etc.

[81West]

Something is really off here LC. This is not normal behaviour for a separated person. I think you really need to trust your gut as this evolves, and I think you have to start preparing yourself for a number of outcomes so that you are not blindsided. I do hope for a positive outcome for you, but there are serious red flags here. Don't ignore them.

[LadyCakes]

Hi all,

 

Your right, im seeing the red flags but the christmas thing was sort of my idea...my idea of a comprimise as he asked what i thought he should do. If i had a kid i would want to see them on christmas day so thats why i suggested he go round there in teh morning but i think him spending the eveing with me would be fair...not perfect but fair.

 

I asked him if he had told his work friends if we are together yet (they knew about out A and i met them all on several occasions). He said that he hasnt told them we are a couple yet as he doesnt want it to get round his work that he is they type of guy that leaves his long term partner and child for a yonger woman....even tho thats ecactly what he is and he knows it but still he wants the dust to settle before we come out in the public eye as a ral couple. I sort of get that but at the same time i dont undersand why its ok for everyone to know we are having sex but not that we are in love!

 

I think its fair that everone should know about us by christmas...im going to tell him that tomorrow evening. I dont want to creep around the ex...its not fair and your all right, by then it will be 3 months since they split...enough time i think....well, sort of..lol!

 

Please dont worry about being to the point GEL! I like your input as you have been there and by the sounds of it, have the type of relationship i want!

 

LC

[wildsoul]

I think its fair that everone should know about us by christmas...im going to tell him that tomorrow evening. I dont want to creep around the ex...its not fair and your all right, by then it will be 3 months since they split...enough time i think....well, sort of..lol!

More than fair. I'd like to suggest you change your "coming out" date to before Thanksgiving. My reasoning is that is still an acceptable period before he lets it be known he is dating again, and with xmas following in a month, it is reasonable that he would want to spend xmas with his new girlfriend.

 

Plus, it sounds like he might procrastinate on telling her. Do you really want to be down to the wire on xmas eve, knowing that he hasn't told her yet, and then having to hear him say, "But it's xmas, I can't tell her now." No, I didn't think you wanted to be in that position.

 

When I got back together w/ my newly separated man in Sept, I addressed the holidays right away. I had told him that that there was no way in hell I was going to be home alone while he spent time with his W and her family this year. If he couldn't promise that he'd spend the holidays with me, then I said I would have rather stayed broken up with him this fall. Then at least my heart would have time to heal. I'd be without him, but I'd also be over him.

 

[My father had violently abused & abandoned our family on xmas eve when I was a teen, so I'm protective against putting myself in a situation where I'd feel that the past was repeating.]

 

Again, you and I are pretty much on the same time line. Expecting that you would spend the holidays with your BF is totally normal in a non-A relationship. Now that you are supposed to be out of the A-dynamic, the 2 of you should have plans in addition to him seeing his child. Your suggestion seems good; it's what a couple who had met post-divorce would do--split the day.

 

Someone else suggested that you are still in an A. There seems to be some truth in that. Make sure he understands that you refuse to be in an A any longer. That you are willing to leave otherwise might need to be stated, if the implication goes unnoticed.

[torranceshipman]

Hi LadyCakes, this sounds awful! He tells people you're having sex but wont tell them you're a couple, only really sees you at nighttime when he stays over (i.e. is only there for the hanky panky), doesnt tell the 'ex' that he's got a new partner, spends the WHOLE day with her and has already planned to spend all significant parts of the vacation period with her? And says he wont even change anything until at least Christmas? This sounds horrible, and she doesnt sound much like an ex! I bet the 'ex' thinks he's just 'on a break', or sorting out his head or something, and sounds like theres something still going on. So sorry to see so many flags but I think he is disrespecting you. Get out now before you see a miserable home alone christmas, waiting for him NOT to turn up, to unfold!

[2sure]

Yours and MM reasons for delaying "coming out" can be justified and accepted by you.

 

The SECRECY is what makes and Affair

As you long as you are secret, you are still the OW. In everyone's eyes. And more sadly, in his. He is treating you like the OW in every single way.

[All Star]

Hi all,

 

Your right, im seeing the red flags but the christmas thing was sort of my idea...my idea of a comprimise as he asked what i thought he should do. If i had a kid i would want to see them on christmas day so thats why i suggested he go round there in teh morning but i think him spending the eveing with me would be fair...not perfect but fair.

 

I asked him if he had told his work friends if we are together yet (they knew about out A and i met them all on several occasions). He said that he hasnt told them we are a couple yet as he doesnt want it to get round his work that he is they type of guy that leaves his long term partner and child for a yonger woman....even tho thats ecactly what he is and he knows it but still he wants the dust to settle before we come out in the public eye as a ral couple. I sort of get that but at the same time i dont undersand why its ok for everyone to know we are having sex but not that we are in love!

 

I think its fair that everone should know about us by christmas...im going to tell him that tomorrow evening. I dont want to creep around the ex...its not fair and your all right, by then it will be 3 months since they split...enough time i think....well, sort of..lol!

 

Please dont worry about being to the point GEL! I like your input as you have been there and by the sounds of it, have the type of relationship i want!

 

LC

 

 

Maybe I missed something, but I don"t see any proof that this guy has ACTUALLY left anyone. I think he's still there sleeping with both of you.

If you look at it, you have no proof that this guy has left. He's some great father spending all that time. That's more time than I spend with moine and I'm a single parent? He's lying.

 

He may have told her that he works different hours or something. Maybe, you threatended to leave him if he did not leave her and so he has invented this separation.

[wildsoul]

The SECRECY is what makes and Affair

As you long as you are secret, you are still the OW. In everyone's eyes. And more sadly, in his.

Thank you for that pithy comment. I hope mine continues to unfold as he's promised, but I'm filing away your words for future reference.

[All Star]

Hi all,

 

I think its fair that everone should know about us by christmas...im going to tell him that tomorrow evening. I dont want to creep around the ex...its not fair and your all right, by then it will be 3 months since they split...enough time i think....well, sort of..lol!

 

 

LadyCakes -You have to get honest with yourself. You know he's hasn't split. You won't admit it because then you'd have to do something about it i.e leave him.