Let me know what you think

[Confused82]

Hi Everybody,

 

I'd like to let you know my story and I'd like to see what other people think. Because I'm invovled sometimes its very difficult to take a step back and look at it from the outside. Also, by putting all this on paper hopefully it will help me get a better understanding. If anyone can let me know what I could have done better then that would be great.

 

So here's my story, I'm 26 and my girlfriend is 21, we've been together for 3 years now. Last year my girlfriend was having some job struggles so we decided it was best if she went back to college to get a qualification. This would mean that she could at least do a job that she enjoyed. Anyway I'm originally from Ireland and when we first met we were both living in England. I've always wanted to head back to Ireland longer term so we took this as a chance to start 'settling back home' (cheesy! :-)). My girlfriend decided to go to college in Ireland. This meant that I worked in England during the week and then I'd fly back to Ireland each weekend (I run a small business in England so it's not that easy for me to just pack up and move). We've been doing that for a year & overall things were going ok for the past year, it's not ideal being so far away but we were willing to make it work.

 

Recently my girlfriend has gone through a number of family problems, she was living with her family in Ireland (grandad), but her mom & grandad had a fallout. Anyway when her grandad was out of the house my girlfriend packed up and left, my parents were happy to put up her up for a few days because it was a difficult situation. At this time I understand that she was going through a lot of problems, and tried to be there for her but I've also got my own set of problems at work (it's a tough time for a small business) and I'm also flying back each weekend to spend time together so my life is pretty busy. The truth is that I find it hard to deal with other peoples problems as I've got enough of my own to deal with! :-)

My girlfriend isn't really good at solving problems and doesn't know what to do, the usual solution is to run away from it (as she did when her mom & grandad had an argument).

 

Anyway after a few weeks my girlfriend found a place to stay with her friend. A house move is a stressful time, so all was good. . . for a few weeks. After 4 weeks her friend tried to put up the rent (the rent was previously only €250, and she wanted to put it up to €300 - which is still a bargain!) My

girlfriend thought that this was breaking an agreement and so again a big argument resulted. As usual I end up getting all of this on the end of the phone when I'm in work, and then more about this problem when I get home.

 

Anyway, the next day I get a call from my girlfriends flatmate to hear that she has just came home & my girlfriend had packed her stuff and found a new place. I was so shocked to hear that she had moved again & this I when I felt let down and felt real worried that this has happened twice real quick and maybe the same could happen to us? I did say to her housemate that this just happened 2 weeks ago . . her housemate felt like she was helping my girlfriend out by offering cheap rent because she had nowhere to stay (she was in my parents) and the housemate then felt betrayed because my girlfriend just packed up and left. In the argument my girlfriend did offer to pay the next 4 weeks rent but her housemate just said get out now. . . . although I still feel that she didn’t really mean this and I think that she said this in the heat of the moment, but my girlfriend is using this as justification - "I was kicked out, I didn't choose to leave". The housemate now needs to find extra money within 4 days to pay for the rent - Even though she's my girlfriend I don’t think this a

nice thing to do to a friend. When my girlfriend heard all this she felt betrayed and told me that I wasn't there for her she couldn't rely on me etc ., . .

 

. I was off on a lads holiday that evening for a weekend away so I felt let down & I wasn't willing to deal with this bulls**t! You won’t believe it but when we got to the airport the flight was cancelled, so we had a crisis to resolve that evening. We had to find out how to get there without ruining the weekend - I wasn't willing to answer my phone to a moany girlfriend to add onto my own problems.

. . . anyway we got a flight very early next morning & we got there and had a great lads weekend. If I'm honest I did completely ignore my girlfriend because I just wasn’t willing to deal with it on holidays. I sent her a few texts, but that wasn’t enough. Anyway on the Sunday when I had ignored her for 2 days I get a text saying that it - "you're single, not willing to answer calls etc" . . . This was the changing point for me because otherwise I would have come back and apologised 4 ignoring & then got back to fixing the problems. After all of the effort that we both put in I was so shocked that she was seriously willing to break up over this. I gave her a call and basically it confirmed that she was serious, I just hung up and said I'll deal with this **** when I get back.

 

Anyway, when I got back I wasn't sure what I wanted to do so we had very little communication for a few days. Then I found out about this guy who she got close to. They were in the same social circle but they were never friends before. He's a dodgy guy and has been a criminal before, but is now a reborn Christian. I guess that my girlfriend enjoyed spending time with him because he was going through & tough time and she was also going through a tough time so they could both share their problems. Anyway it would have been ok if they were just friends, but he brought out for a Chinese & drinks one night & tried to hit on her. To be fair my girlfriend (at this stage ex-girlfriend) said no, so did tell him to go away. I guess I think that since he tried to hit on her she should stop spending

time with her as he's after one thing (my ex-girlfriend is a very good looking girl). I wasn't please that she was getting friendly with this guy, but her answer was we're not together so I can do what I want. I said ok, you can do what you like but please remember that it hurts me when you get close to him & spend time with him. She said shes got no sexual interest in him so there's nothing wrong with it . .

 

I feel that packing up and moving on the same day is a bit of an overreaction. It puts doubts in my mind that if we had an argument she could pack up and leave before I even get home! Also, I think it's fair to say that I help her out financially (she' a student & I'm doing quite well in work). Previously I was happy to help her out because I believed that I would help her for this year, but since she would be qualified after this year that in the long term things would even out. I was told by her housemate (but I can't tell if this is true) that when my girlfriend moved out she said that my boyfriend will help me. . . I'm always there for her, but this feels like she believed that she can make whatever decision she wants & I'll bail her out.

 

Anyway the next day I hear that this dodgy guy who she is getting close with has asked her to help him out with importing some cars and she can make some quick money. This sounds very dodgy so I ask her to promise, even though we're not together that she won't do this. She agrees & says that she promises and won't do it behind my back.

 

A few weeks later we were back on talking terms and I was explaining how I felt so let down because of her real quick decisions and how it makes me really worried that the same will happen to me. Her mom has had a number of different boyfriends, so I want to make sure that I can build a real long term relationship with this girl. I know she's only 21, but I'm thinking about 4 or 5 years down the line. Anyway we were chatting and we both explained how we felt & I apologies for the hurt I caused and I apologised for ignoring her. But I explained how my trust in her was real low & we'd have to work on rebuilding that . . then she drop the bombshell she's decided to work with the guy to import the car and he's given her €1000. When I hear this it shattered my trust & I just feel so let down. After all I've done to help her, I'm only trying to look out for her best interests, but she's just on a self destruct mission.

 

Well this is where we are now & she's asking me if I want to work through the problems & start afresh. I'm really struggling to figure out what I want. We've always worked & talked through problems in the past. We usually try to use them to make us better but this problem feels like its just too big of a mountain to climb. My main issue is am I willing to put the effort in to fix the problem if we're going to have a long life together, but when I have learnt how quickly my ex is so willing to break up . . . . I'm confused, so please let me know what you think.

 

 

Her story

To be fair I should probably try to put a fairer story by saying things from her point of view.

She feels that she's moved to Ireland for me, and she felt that I wasn't there for her when she needed to move house. She felt that I ignored her when I was on holiday and she feels that I didn't even care enough for her to give her a call. She has very low self confidence. She feels betrayed because I talked to her housemate. She feels that I'm telling her what to do by telling her not to spend time with the dodgy guy. She feels that I'm a weight because she has to consider how I will feel because of her decisions. I guess she feels that I'm being controlling & telling her what to do . . and to a certain extent she's probably right I do want her to make the correct decisions.

 

I guess people are going to say let her go make her own problems, but then where do I stand? Do I go stand by her when she didn’t; stand by me?

 

Mainly, I'd like to get some insight on both of our behaviours and what other people think. Please let me know what you think – I’d like to hear from as many people as possible!

 

Thanks