gastric bypass dating ick, etc

[sos1971]

Hi guys,

 

I have recently lost about 130lbs through weight loss surgery. I'm quite tall, 5'9 for a woman and I'm about a size 14/16. So I'm no fragile flower. The thing is this, guys look at me and are interested in me FAST these days and I don't know how to deal with lots of it.

 

Ok, yeah, I'm pretty but 2 kids and 130lbs later my body is like, oh my god, I just can't believe it. The excess skin, the flabbiness, my boobs! All things that can be camoflauged easily with clothes but when I'm ready to get busy, I find myself terrified. I wasn't shy 130 lbs ago but I swear in some ways my body wasn't as alarming then. My last 2 sexual partners have BOTH gone flacid when they got a good look at me. We worked things out and neither of them SAID it was me but you can tell. I mean when someone moves their hand away quickly from a particularly flabby or questionable nontoned area...

 

I hate it. For one thing, having been big all my life caused me to miss out on dating around. The weight insured that if a guy was talking to me, asking me out then he was really interested in ME. I still have the self confidence of an overweight girl and having been making poor decisions about WHO to go out with as well.

 

In a few years I plan on having some cosmetic/reconstructive surgery to lift things back where they're supposed to be. In the meantime, I'm just going to have to love this body like it is. My body made my kids, made milk to feed the kids, moves me everywhere I need to go. but seriously, after having sex a couple of times with both of them I had a "friends" conversation. I know there must be a lot of things I'm doing wrong. Ugh. How can I get over being so ashamed when I should be so proud of myself?

[quankanne]

In the meantime, I'm just going to have to love this body like it is. My body made my kids, made milk to feed the kids, moves me everywhere I need to go …. How can I get over being so ashamed when I should be so proud of myself?

 

honey, you've done NOTHING to be ashamed of – if anything, the onus is on the men who treat you this way because they're shallow. I mean, given a real, live woman and a pullout of a Playboy centerfold, who do you think they'll choose to whack off to? I guarantee, it's not going to be the living breathing version

 

so hold your head high as you wade through the pool of the shallow-minded males and know that you've got every reason to be proud of who you are and this accomplishment with weight loss. At some point, you're gonna find a gem of a guy who's there because he sees an inner spark in you and he can't help but be fascinated by that, and by who you are.

 

meanwhile, look up Maya Angelou's "Phenomenal Woman" – I think it should be every woman's credo!

[Lishy]

Oh wow I am so proud of you and I dont even know you!! WELL DONE!!!!

 

I can understand why you feel how you do and flabby skin is not attractive but can be hidden until you can get the surgery done! Next time buy a flattering all in one lingerie set that holds you in and makes you feel good and just keep it on! The thing is not to get naked with a man who has no feelings for you, a man who did would understand your problem and just feel proud of you for your achievement (you should be so proud of yourself hon)

 

Wow imagine how fabulous you are going to look when you get your surgery! I am so pleased for you!

[sos1971]

thanks guys! I am proud of myself and that I had the courage to take this chance. My weight is what I thought was my Achilles heel. Not so. I've done strange push/pull things with both of these guys. It's just a whole lot to take in-- now I have something else to hide, worry about, feel not good enough about. I agree 100% about finding something cute and leaving it on. That's what I did last time and I felt much less inhibited.

 

Thanks for your replies. Hopefully, I'll figure this out just like my obesity. I can't control what another person does. Neither one of those men were bad people- or even superficial. it's just like... getting a disappointing gift at Christmas.

[mark982]

sos, i think you've done a hell of a job. don't let those shallow guys get to you.

[Jilly Bean]

SOS:

 

First off, I commend you for your weight loss! You have taken charge of tour health, and that is fabulous.

 

As far as the topic, don't they offer some type of counseling for weight loss patients?

 

I understand it creates a chasm between how you viewed yourself in your old body, and how you actually look today. Thats not easy. Youve spent a lifetime as a larger person, and I am sure you look foreign to yourself at times!

 

I just think you need to work on accepting your new body, much as you did with the prior one. We ALL have flaws and things we'd like to change. We just learn to accept what we have - play up the assets, and downplay what we perceive as negative.

[Lizzie60]

I don't want to pee on your parade.. but gastric bypass is the easy way to lose weight.. it's NOT a 'yeee I've made it' ... I see it as the fast way for people who do not have the willpower to lose weight..

 

My biggest concern is not your excess skin.. it's how you now deal with your new 'you' .. I can see that you're still seeing yourself as an obese person...

 

My theory on weight loss is that overweight people need to deal with their emotional problems.. what makes them eat so much in the first place..

 

I have a friend who had this surgery.. and she's gaining all the weight back.. slowly but surely.. I tell her to be careful.. she then gets mad at me.. the truth pisses her off..

 

She didn't get all that weight overnight.. but lost it in a few months.. so IMO.. this is NOT the right way to lose weight.. unless you have some kind of 'therapy' to find what your problems are.. otherwise it's a waste.

 

She also wants the operation for the skin.. she will have to pay for these surgeries though.. not like gastric bypass that was all paid for by taxpayers' money.

 

Be careful.. and make sure you deal with the inner problems before you deal with the excess skin.. Just saying...

[sos1971]

I didn't ask for anyone's opinion on my surgery. Lizzie Dear, I'm guessing that's your decollege right there by your uneducated remarks about obesity and weight loss surgery. Those look um, modified. Did you explore your emotional motivation for needing surgically implanted tits? I'm just sayin'...

 

Anyway, my point was that now that I've taken such a drastic step this body is turning into something that looks pretty good dressed. I love me some SPANX! I feel happy and lighter and my voice has even changed, it's more like a girls voice again. I just need to wait and be with men who I trust to tell. It's tough. How I got here isn't really very important. I am here now, still losing. Still not sure about how potential partners will react when they see me naked. I've had 2 kids!

Working out can only do so much, that's true. I am very very pleased with my surgery. I'll just ride this one out. Next time I will wait until Mr Right comes along. cheers!

[Lizzie60]

No ma'am.. these girls are natural.

 

I just happen to think that gastric bypass is an heroic way to lose weight.. it's an easy way on taxpayers' money (in Canada anyway)...

 

I know a few people who had this operation, my friend, another who worked with me..

 

They get obese because they have no willpower to stop eating.. my friend is in a support group and we talk about it.. she said it herself.. they get fat because they love to eat ... simple as that. They constantly eat.. She is still constantly eating, she eats because she,s upset, she eats because she's happy, she eats because she deserves a treat,.. it never ends.. she constantly pushes her limit, since at first, a person cannot eat more than the size of an egg approx.. she pushes it.. pushes it.. eats fries, burgers, candies... you name it.. she is gaining the weight back.. and the percentage of people who gain the weight back is enormous... I try to talk to her but she gets upset.. just like you are now..

 

That's why I think people who get that surgery should first seeks therapy to find out what their eating disorder is...

 

I also been to one of those support group (she's in it) and I've seen that a lot of people, just from the way they think, will get the weight back.

[D-Lish]

No ma'am.. these girls are natural.

 

I can pretty much attest that Lizzie is natural... Not because I have touched them (although she begged) But because I was in the boobie profession for a long time. (erm, I'd guess 38 F).

 

I think Lizzie makes some valid points. She's not trying to be harsh- just stating some possible outcomes and concerns.

 

If you had the surgery- you obviously DID have some issues with your weight before- indicating you were not "truly" as confident as you thought you were.

 

From my perspective- I'ts not about how you lost the weight... you did lose the weight- I am happy for you. You can't do much about the excess skin currently- but you can have that taken care of if you want to.

 

I really don't think these guys stopped being attracted to you once they saw you naked... It could very well have to do with how you might have gotten tense when you got undressed (expecting a negative reaction)... something a sexual partner would sense and react to.

 

I think it's great you lost all that weight, who cares how.

You have to learn to embrace your new self!

 

Good luck.

[sos1971]

Thanks for all the replies, suggestions and advice guys. I had this surgery for my health. I'm 37 and I was beginning to go hypertensive, beginning to have problems with my joints. It's gone. My bp has gone down to about 110/70. It is easier to live like this & I would do it again and I think every fat person in the world should do it too. Sorry to anyone who has a problem with that.

 

I tried everything else and I paid for it myself so... I've also been in therapy--- god an embarassingly long time. Part of my surgical regimne was that I had to meet with a counselor who was skilled in eating disorders. I had to meet with a nutritionist, a personal trainer. I hate support groups. I'm not a joiner upper. So i don't even go to those. But anyway... as an interesting and difficult aside it has made my sex life more complicated. That's it.

[Teacher's Pet]

I had a girlfriend who had gastric bypass.

 

She went from a 280lb sweetheart of a gal, to a 140lb monster within a year.

 

She actually had the audacity to tell me that I "was too fat for her", when she was ENORMOUS at her highest weight.

 

Of all the guys she dated, I was the only one who never put her down for her weight (I'm a big guy myself)... I didn't care, I loved her because she was a sweet, caring woman.

 

I guess I was wrong.

 

I also have a male friend who was 400lbs, and the nicest guy in town. Now, he's a "studly" womanizer who goes around boasting about his sexual conquests.

 

I've seen similar "changes" in other WLS patients I've known/been friends with.

 

I now have a fairly strict "no dating WLS patients" rule. If you can't accept your "new hot look" with an attitude that you are still the same person on the inside and not better than the rest of us, I don't want to bother.

 

My ex-gf may have lost 100+ lbs, but she's still just as unaccomplished a person as she was when she was over 250.

 

Same brain, new ass.

 

-tp

livin' larger

[ProudToBeMeAgain]

SOS, I completely understand your reasons for having Gastric Bypass Surgery. Being healthy and feeling healthy is something NO ONE can put a price on.

 

I do tend to agree with Lizzie and the general population here, you cannot get Gastric Bypass without first dealing with your "overweight" issues.

 

HOWEVER.... I do have to make one point: Gastric Bypass is NOT the easy way out. I don't care what anyone says, this is not a surgery that can be compared to a walk in the park.

 

Understanding the reasons one person may have to actually chose to have this surgery is the same as understanding being overweight. No one understands it unless you've dealt with it yourself.

 

I do have to urge you to find a support group SOS! If you don't have the support system you need through this journey, you will fail at the end. Like many others, you may gain the weight again because you failed to deal with your original problem: what exactly made you overweight??

 

Now... as far as going out and loving your body the way it is.... I have to say, you don't need to beg love from anyone. It seems to me like you're a pretty intelligent person and someone who loves herself enough to do something about "staying alive" for many years to come and NO ONE should make you feel any less of a person for that.

 

You already know that you're worth more than that. So I won't say it.

 

In Dealing with all the attention??? ENJOY IT!!!!!!!!!!

 

I don't wish you luck because it's not a matter of luck. Instead, I wish you strength.

 

Chin up!

[strongertoday]

SOS....well done.....It isnt the easy way to go...it is still darn hard so I applaud you.

 

I have lost about 100lb with a combination of diet and stress (divorce) and while most of my body has bounced back well my tummy has not...it hangs and sags and is disgusting.

 

I dated a few times....most guys were ok with it...then met a wonderful man, fit and trim and 9 years younger....

 

He would prefer it wasnt there, will exercise with me to help tighten it over time...but loves me for me. He is moving in next week....so trust me that it should be no barrier when the right man comes along....

 

Be proud, stand tall, have fun....Mr Right will find you...any man that wont date a wonderful woman cause of that is very very shallow.

 

Good luck

[AriaIncognito]

There are some very valid points in this thread. While you don't like her points, Lizzie has a point in telling you that you definitely want to deal with the psychology behind why you were eating. It can easily happen again.

 

I have a friend who had lapband surgery. A year and a half later, she's lost maybe 40lbs. So since she didn't respond (supposedly) to this, she now is hell bent on gastric. Personally, I can tell you for a fact that she will be dealing with the same issues after gastric. She still eats like crap. And emotionally.

 

Just please try to make sure you stay on the right path mentally when it comes to your WLS. Gastric is no easy road, neither is lapband. It takes recovery and then it takes willpower to change your entire lifestyle. People think that because you're restricted, that won't change, but it's not true. The stomach stretches back out, and weight comes back, if you're not careful.

 

As for your skin issues right now, I'd love to tell you that it's easy to be comfortable in your own skin, but honestly, I know that isn't the case. I myself am not the most confident person, clothed or not. I'd say that you should make sure these men value you for who you are before you even let it get to a point where you would be in a naked situation with them. If they value YOU, your skin won't matter.

[BentSpine]

I don't buy into the "if he really cared about you, what you look like wouldn't matter".

 

Sexual attraction is such an early evolutionary phenomenom that its location in the brain is situated in it's most primitive parts. Being attracted to someone had to work before man had developed speech, for example.

 

Although I do believe in compensation: If the woman has a physical feature that attracts the guy very strongly, that feature might overshadow possibly existing turn offs. The guys who were turned off weren't shallow, they simply didn't feel the compensating feature.

[Mary3]

Clinical studies have shown an overweight person actually moves less , walks less , . On the food side , they eat for many reasons , actually overeating , eating fast before their brain signals they are full , they eat large portions and need the food to satisfy emotional needs.

 

So with all this , if you have a very overweight person who used food all their life and moved around less, then how is lapband surgery or GBP surgery going to address the fact that they use food for comfort ?

 

I am the opposite. Many things take away my appetite. Stress , fear , nervousness , sadness , depression , busy , ect.

 

I always eat slow ,. Always have.

 

Never use food as comfort although when I am stressing I notice I like crunchy things to chew on.

 

The point is : I think the reasons and solutions for overeating should be addressed before surgery is performed.