Building Your Partner's Confidence (First Time Poster!)

[BlossomingLotus]

Hello all! I stumbled onto this forum while searching this topic and I thought I would stop by and see if "real people" could help me out. In return, I promise to stop by some other posts and offer my own advice.

 

So, I am on the marriage/life partnership board because I truly believe the relationship I am in could lead to marriage. I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half. We are both divorced with one child each. I am 30, he is 40. We met online (as dorky as that sounds). He is like the best friend I didn't even know I was missing. We make our friends sick because we are so "in love". I can go on and on about why he makes me so happy... but I want to get to the reason I am here today.

 

Before I met him, I was dating a LOT. And he knows that. He saw me as this "party girl" and in a way, I guess I was. But I had gotten married young and I was just catching up with lost time and experiences. But not kidding - within one week of meeting him in person, I stopped dating anyone else. I had one lingering guy that had basically turned into a "friend with benefits" and I even told him that I wasn't going to see him any longer because I had met someone I really felt like was worth giving a full chance. Now, this behavior was very different from anything I had ever done before. I was almost always dating at least 2 people at once. I was never dishonest about with the guys, if anything, I was probably TOO honest.

 

Now I didn't tell my boyfriend that I cut off everyone immediately because I didn't want him to think of me as some latchkey g/f who was trying to catch my next husband. Besides, it was my decision to do that and I didn't want to force him to make the same decision if he wasn't ready. After about 2 or 3 months, he started asking questions. Come to find out, he really thought I was much more of a party girl than I actually was. At that point, I reassured him that I had not been out on one date with one single person since the first time we met. Since that point we have been in a very committed relationship and we have really grown together.

 

Now, here is the problem - he's gorgeous, smart, successful in his career (he's in sales, he would like to be higher up than he is, but he does very well for himself), affectionate, outgoing... he can be the life of the party if he wants to. But underneath all of that, he has low confidence in himself. I am only 30 and while our age difference has never been a big deal... the one major problem seems to be that "I" am not done with my career. I am not even set in the right field yet. Due to my early marriage and child, it took me way longer to finish my college degree than I had hoped and now at 30, I am enrolling in law school FINALLY next fall. It's a dream I have always had and I am SO excited to finally be heading that way. I have talked to him continuously about the difficulty of law school, how I am going to be a little frantic for the next 4 years but that I promise to love him and make sure to devote time to him... to US... so that we don't end up in a relationship like our previous marriages.

 

Yet, he is constantly saying things like "yeah, you will leave me for some rich lawyer" or "you will end up being a judge, going into politics and running off with your someone else". And many other things like that. I know its because of my past. I am a strong person... I have dealt with a lot of bad things in my life and as a result I have a "keep your head up and move on" attitude. So when I am faced with something painful, something sad... I shoulder it, stand up tall and push forward. It's a good quality I think, but I think in his mind, he is afraid that I will be able to just walk away from him one day and not look back. (Actually, I KNOW that is what he is thinking because he has told me before.) How do I reassure him that I won't? He keeps this wall up in our relationship because of this fear. I have fears as well, but I have put my walls down and allowed myself to fall in love in a way that I never even thought I could.

 

I am really hoping for some male opinions. Are there any men out there who would admit to having these same insecurities and tell me how they either have had their partners help or that they WISH their partners would do? I am willing to try anything to help him feel better. I tell him I love him all the time. I tell him I think he is funny and smart. I compliment him. I never even joke about leaving him because of this insecurity. Help!

[b4jinthenow]

he is going to have to deal with his insecurity on his own, I don't think you can do anything more other than show him for a long period of time that you are not that "party girl" and you can be dedicated and faithful to him, give it some time, if he is insecure it didn't start with you but most likely deeply rooted in his childhood and it could take him longer to see reality than other guys. keep showing him signs that you are commited to him but if that doesn't work then the problem is more with him than you. Guys don't really like it when women are spreading them selves around to a lot of other guys if they are thinking there is long term potential with that woman so he will probably have that in his mind for awhile, but eventually has to let that go and not hold it against you.

[Walk]

My H had the same types of fears your bf is having. I entered college late, and it was after meeting my H (he helped put me through school). He expressed the fear that after I graduated that I would leave him. His exgf did this to him long ago, so it was a valid fear to him.

 

One of the things that helped was consistent actions on my part. Showing him that I loved and appreciated him by doing things for him, giving gifts, treating him to something special. I planned a vacation with him for post graduation to let him know I was planning on sticking around. In addition, I discussed everything with him.. where we should live, if I couldn't find a job in our area if we should move, how I could help to better his life once I got a job in my new field. Basically, I kept reiterating the "WE" concept as often as possible to let him know that I was planning on a long future together.

 

I don't feel that telling someone you won't do something (i.e. fall for a rich lawyer) is all that helpful. If you can cite reasons why that isn't a possibility then that's fine, but the fact is... it is a possibility. You believe you wouldn't choose to pursue that possibility in the future. He believes you're just saying that.

 

Your bf knows there's going to be men out there who are more intelligent, funnier, more successful. He's looking at that and he's wondering how he can compete against those types of guys. Telling him he's funny doesn't give him anything to combat those fears with because other men are funny too. Other men are intelligent. For my H, I cite specific examples for why he's what I want in my life, things he's done for me that have really meant something to me. Like, how he'll go out and start my car after a heavy snow and brush it off so it's all warm and clean by the time I have to leave... or how he always makes sure that I eat even when I'm too busy to be bothered... or his sarcastic dark humor that is very uniquely him. I try to point out how the combination of traits that are uniquely him are the things I love and value.

 

And lastly, any time he got really insecure I'd just sex him up and he seemed much happier and calmer afterward.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I am really hoping for some male opinions. Are there any men out there who would admit to having these same insecurities and tell me how they either have had their partners help or that they WISH their partners would do? I am willing to try anything to help him feel better. I tell him I love him all the time. I tell him I think he is funny and smart. I compliment him. I never even joke about leaving him because of this insecurity. Help!

 

Here is a quick male opinion.

 

Your battling his perception of you. That is something you should fix. There is something about you that does not inspire trust in him. Perhaps you act too independant.

 

As a guy I can tell you that I never, ever let that wall down unless I feel safe doing it. Part of that is feeling needed, or important. Part of me says that if he can't fully trust your future intentions, you may still have some walls up too?

 

When he make comments like that he is actually searching for reassurement.

[BlossomingLotus]

Thanks to everyone for the replies. A lot of the stuff you guys said I am already doing. I do cite specific examples of why I think he is great for me. I talk about the future, about OUR future. As for something in my behavior still not allowing him to trust me, I can't imagine what that could be. I have literally gone out of my way to include him in everything, practically eliminate all my male friends unless we are going out as a group, etc. And I know when he makes comments like that he is searching for reassurement... at least I finally figured that out! I didn't realize at first, but now I have that down. Thanks again for everyone's response. I am sure I will be back for more help!

[Tony T]

Thanks to everyone for the replies. A lot of the stuff you guys said I am already doing. I do cite specific examples of why I think he is great for me. I talk about the future, about OUR future. As for something in my behavior still not allowing him to trust me, I can't imagine what that could be. I have literally gone out of my way to include him in everything, practically eliminate all my male friends unless we are going out as a group, etc. And I know when he makes comments like that he is searching for reassurement... at least I finally figured that out! I didn't realize at first, but now I have that down. Thanks again for everyone's response. I am sure I will be back for more help!

 

I hope you one day find someone who trusts you enough not to make you feel you have to terminate friendships.

[Deanster]

I have a somewhat different POV on this.

 

It's REALLY hard to change someone else's feelings. He's insecure for whatever reasons, and perhaps about you in particular. This is the sort of thing that can ruin an otherwise excellent relationship. Another poster said that "There is something about you that does not inspire trust in him. Perhaps you act too independant."

 

It's possible that he just has the wrong idea about who you are, and what you're about, and if you explain where you're coming from, he'll 'get it'.

 

The other possibility is that due to his insecurity, there's nothing you can ever do to make him feel comfortable and secure in your relationship, and that he can relax and not be jealous and concerned every time you go out with the other law students for drinks.

 

Long story short - IMHO, you REALLY need to have this resolved fully before you get married. Most likely, he really likes and cares about you, which is why he's so concerned about losing you. Unfortunately, my observation is that marriage makes this WORSE. You'd hope that the clear and unequivocal commitment would add security, but for the insecure, it simply means they have more to lose, and a bigger lever to try to change your actions to ones that are less 'dangerous' - this often means trying to get you to stay home, avoid social activities, members of the opposite sex, etc.

 

Be careful out there - explain who you are, and why you're committed to him, and then let him figure out what to do about changing his attitude.

[signedin2008]

Why is he picturing that you will have a bright future in law? It is not like you've been accepted to Harvard, are you?

 

What schools are you applying to and which do you expect to get into?

[You'reasian]

If you guys got together too quickly, he might be unsure of who you are.

 

Try to do things together as a couple. Whether they are little things like going to the grociery store together, watching tv or dressing up for a night on the town. Time together will bring you closer together and indirectly build trust.

 

Show him that you are trustworthy. Live your life in a way that shows him you are - be "his" party girl, but only his. I'm sure it will make him feel special.

 

With persistence, he will see that you are trustworthy.

 

Good luck!