Ashbash11 Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 Guys, I really need your help. I've been in a LDR with my boyfriend for 2 weeks now.. I know it just started, but things have been really rough for us so far. There are many many odds against us. First, he's in California, which is 3,000 miles away. Second, there is a 3 hour time difference to contend with. Third, he works nights, and he only has a window of 1 hour free per day to talk. Because he works nights, he sleeps all day. Fourth, he works on a mountain (he's an astronomer, and he's working at an observatory) and he has no cell phone reception out there, so there's no way for me to call him. He calls me everyday, but if I miss his call, I can't call him back. It's incredibly frustrating. When we do actually get to talk, it's very brief and superficial, with lots of awkward silences... He's not much of a phone person, so we usually try to use skype. I'm just feeling really frustrated and sad and I feel like I'm losing faith.... I love this guy to death and I used to have faith in this relationship, but now it's starting to fade. Is doubting like this normal in LDR's? I worry about the future of our relationship, if it's THIS difficult to communicate already and this whole thing just started. My only hope is that when he has time off, we will be able to talk more frequently. I'm just worried. I'm not doing well in this LDR so far. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 Just a thought- the first two weeks of most Rs are usually very happy- even if there are HUGE warning signs, most people in the first flushes of love ignore them. How can you love someone to death when you have only been with them for two weeks in an LDR? Have you met in person? What is this R doing for you? Its only causing you grief at the moment, and unless there is a real chance that you may be living in the same place in the not too distant future, I fear that there isn't much point in continuing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ashbash11 Posted October 20, 2008 Author Share Posted October 20, 2008 Sorry, I forgot to include some important information: We've been dating for 8 months, all 8 of which were in the SAME CITY. We met in Boston and we've been together in Boston for 8 months, but he moved to California for his "dream job." Soo, I am not only dealing with a new LDR, but also the separation from him and the loneliness. I"m used to seeing him everyday. And yes, there is hope of us someday being together. I am currently in graduate school here and if I can transfer out to CA next year, then perhaps I will. I am finished with my program in 2 years, so then I will move out there if we are still together. Does this help you answer my question a bit better? Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 Yes, it makes my answer totally different, thanks for the extra info. LDR's are tough, my fiance and I were in one when we first got together, but the things that got us through were having dates to look forward to of when we were going to see eachother next, having a master plan for the future (me moving to live with him), and of course regular phone and skype contact. We were living in the same time zone which made it easier. Some people aren't phone people- your guy might be more into personal contact than phone contact. Maybe you need to talk to him to arrange a set Skype time every few days so that you know you will get to see/talk to him at a specific, pre-arranged time. Also, it may be hard, but try not talking EVERY day- if he isn't a phone guy anyway, it will keep your phone conversations fresher and you will have more to talk about. You also need to arrange with him a time (even if its ages away) when you will see eachother in person again- so you have something to look forward to. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ashbash11 Posted October 20, 2008 Author Share Posted October 20, 2008 So, my main question is, is some amount of doubt normal in LDR's? I guess sometimes I just lose faith that this is going to work. We're doing everything we can to make it work, but I'm worried that eventually, one or both of us will get tired of putting in so much effort.... Link to post Share on other sites
strongertoday Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 HUGS ash.....doubt is normal in any relationship....LDR are no different. As sad as it is to say you will get used to not talking to him and get used to being apart....it will still be hard but not as hard.... Good advice previous..make plans and dates when you can get to him for a visit or him to you....send cute cards and letters (even if he isnt a writer it will make you feel good doing it).....and remember the good times you have had. Hang in there.... Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 Are you worried about YOU not wanting to make the effort more, or HIM? Those kind of doubts are normal in a LDR. I have had two. The first LDR ended up with the two of us moving in together, and the relationship died a slow death as soon as we did. I had many many doubts about the R and indeed they ended up being founded. The second one, with my fiance, was hard, but not because of any doubts, because we had a master plan, and i just knew he was the one. it was hard because we wanted to spend so much time together but we couldn't He was great in calling and visiting etc too though.. There hasn't been a single day that I have doubted anything about our relationship, and I still get excited about seeing him at the end of the day. I am 31 and had never ever felt like that before, even though I have been in several LTRs. Not saying that your R is in trouble or anything, but if you have doubts then you need to clarify what they are and why you have them... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ashbash11 Posted October 22, 2008 Author Share Posted October 22, 2008 I am worried about him getting tired of making an effort. There's no rationale behind it.. It's all pretty irrational worry on my part. I've never been in a LDR before, and it's proving to be much harder than I had expected, especially because we started out in the same city for SO long.. This is an ENORMOUS adjustment for both of us. I guess I am afraid that our relationship won't be able to sustain itself under such an enormous change. I am also worried that it wasn't meant to be, because of all the obstacles that we have to face- time difference, night schedule, few visits, no phone (he has no phone, so I can't call him) But.. I'm trying to be optimistic. I really am. I think he is the one, but at the same time, all of the odds are against us. I'm wondering how to still have faith in this and stick with it, even through the difficult times. I guess this is something that I will learn during the course of this LDR. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 So do you have a trip scheduled to see him? Are you meeting for Thanksgiving? With proper pre-planning, you should be able to fly cross-country every month for a weekend, or even meet in the middle to do some exploring of new places together (definitely more expensive with two flights and motels - but so much fun). Talking on the phone is important, yes, but f2f is so important, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ashbash11 Posted October 24, 2008 Author Share Posted October 24, 2008 Luckily, he gets 6 days off soon, so he is going to come visit me on Nov. 12!!!!! I am incredibly excited. I thought we wouldn't see each other until at least Thanksgiving. The other good news is that I will be going to California for Thanksgiving. We got everything worked out so that we have at least 2 visits ahead of us! I'm feeling a lot more secure knowing that I will be seeing him in only a few weeks. This whole LDR thing is much harder than I had planned for. I didn't even realize how important it is to have something to look forward to. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 I've never been in a LDR before, and it's proving to be much harder than I had expected, especially because we started out in the same city for SO long.. This is an ENORMOUS adjustment for both of us. I guess I am afraid that our relationship won't be able to sustain itself under such an enormous change. I had never been in an LDR before my husband went back to his country. We were here in America - same city - dated and then lived together. Then he was gone - 5600 miles away and a completely different time zone - they are 20 or 21 hours ahead depending on the time of year. We have been LD for 6 years now (married in 2006) and the end is finally near. I can tell you from experience that it CAN be done. Where there is a will there is a way. We have kept it together through multitudes of dire circumstances including a 6 month period between Oct 2007 and April 2008 where the phone lines were either down or reception was so bad we could not really talk. And since April calling cards do not work so we use his cousins computer to chat over Skype twice a week. You can use the distance to your advantage. The best thing you can do is write -- hand written letters and mail them off - he'll get those surprises in the mail and it will warm his heart guaranteed! That is one thing that both my husband and I are aware of. My "books" (letters that were pages and pages long) allowed him to know me on a whole different level. All the thoughts in my head without interruption or change of subject etc. Make care packages with little things that will remind him of something you did together, his favorite cookies, or whatever will convey how much you are really thinking of him. It takes up time for you to do and he will be enamored I swear. Just don't tell him when the packages are coming and revel in the attention you get from him when they are received. I am also worried that it wasn't meant to be, because of all the obstacles that we have to face- time difference, night schedule, few visits, no phone (he has no phone, so I can't call him) But.. I'm trying to be optimistic. I really am. I think he is the one, but at the same time, all of the odds are against us. I'm wondering how to still have faith in this and stick with it, even through the difficult times. I guess this is something that I will learn during the course of this LDR. Odds mean nothing. Really. Just keep your commitment to your plan as the priority and discuss that with him as well. I can not tell you how to have faith - but I can tell you that letting a great relationship go because of nothing else but distance is a travesty. How many people search and search for a person they are attracted to and are compatible with? Or others that stay in a relationship that DOESN'T work because of compatibility issues? Many many many people. A couple of years apart in the grand scheme of things -- as in the next 50 or 60 years is NOTHING. Just keep in mind there will be an end to the LDR and you do have a plan for your future. Think of the joy you will experience when you are finally together after all of this (and you'll have plenty of time to get sick and tired of him being around constantly! ) and you will more than likely NEVER end up taking each other for granted. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 Sorry for the threadjack but- Islandgirl I am so glad there is finally an end in sight for you! Link to post Share on other sites
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