I don't know whether to get married or throw up.

[tex_maam]

Here's the thing: he is, without question, The Man. (Not The Man that oppresses people, but THE Man for me.) That is a given, because no man who was NOT The Man could have put up with me for eight years running and kept me all hot n' bothered over MSN! (N.B.: This is an LDR, and immigration laws being what they are, nuptials are necessary to take the LD out of the R.)

 

So it seems about time we tied the knot and got done with the MSN part - we're now both done with college, got good jobs, gotten on adult terms with our respective families - but although there's no doubt in my mind that he is, as mentioned, The Man... I just want to scream and cry and puke when I think about getting married, forever-like.

 

Kind of like how I want to scream and cry and puke whenever one of our twice-annual visits comes close, and all I can think about is having my nice daily routine totally thrown out the window, and being joined at the hip with this other person 24/7, and having no independent life or ability to go out late on a whim, or stay in and do my own nice quiet introverted things all by myself. It always seems like the absolute end of life as I know it... and then we hook up, and I remember that although I COULD go do my own thing (and sometimes do, with his blessing!)... it's usually so much more fun just to be with him that I really just can't be bothered with the rest!

 

After eight years, you would think I would have gotten this into my head by now - but the old dread always comes back, harder than ever with the big M-word now being tossed around. I'm scared of getting married, and scared of missing out on marriage, and scared of having kids (REALLY scared of having kids), and scared of messing up marriage and/or dying old and alone if I don't, and scared of getting older, period!

 

I got on some anti-anxiety meds a few months back. They've helped me answer the phone without automatically thinking that someone's calling to tell me my whole family's just died in a car wreck, but not so much with the above stuff.

 

I talked to The Man about all this stuff, have leaked all over his shirt many a time about it, and he's been nothing but patient and understanding... but at the end of the day, he can't make me not be an enormous wuss.

 

I talked to my mom, a few of my best friends about it, but KNOWING that one is really worrying much too much about everything is not at all the same as being able to stop worrying about it.

 

So now I'm asking you, friendly Netizens: would you, could you, recommend any sort of Dramamine for the soul?

[iceis44]

marriage and/or dying old and alone if I don't, and ?

It doesnt matter what you do, how hard you try there will be mistakes,

The dying comment is so funny to me, because it is something I thought

 

then my brain reminded me

 

We all DIE ALONE, it doesnt matter if there is no one or 200 people in the room, we all DIE ALONE, no one is gonna jump in front of the bus for us, no one will take our place in line, NO ONE is gonna say "oh shet, I'll just go with you what the heck,

[Geishawhelk]

Absolutely right. Nobody can be born, or die 'with you. It's a lonesome thing, the entrance/exit.....

 

If everything is screaming at you to not get married, then for f-oo-ks sake why do it? - Don't.

Nobody's holding a gun to your head, nobody's frog-marching you down the aisle, nobody's obliging you to do anything you don't want to do.

So don't do it.

I don't know what the big deal is with getting married anyway.

Why do it, if you're happy just living together?

What's the problem - ?

[sunshinegirl]

There is a pretty common theory out there that people who are afraid of commitment seek relationships with built-in distance (ie LDRs).

 

I am astounded that your relationship has survived (thrived?) on twice yearly visits. I wouldn't marry anyone without living in the same city with them for 6 months...and I say this as someone who has had two LDRs.

[Ronni_W]

any sort of Dramamine for the soul?

If you go with the idea that emotions are the language of the soul, then perhaps your fearful feelings are messages from your soul? And possibly there would be a 'Dramamine effect' if you reflected more carefully on what those messages might be?

 

It certainly sounds as if you are being asked to consider...something ~~ your beliefs about marriage, or life, or your Self; your needs, desires and goals; your life purpose and mission. Who knows, exactly, but something.

 

(((hugs))). You obviously are holding a lot of anxiety/fear about all of it...do you have any insights into where/how that started for you?

[Lizzie60]

Then don't.. if it makes you sick like that just thinking about it.. imagine.. what it will do to you after..

 

Marriage is not for everyone..

[jwi71]

You aren't ready for marriage. Don't do it.

 

If his biannual visit makes you nauseous because you must give up your routine - you are setting yourself up for failure and misery. So forget the altar for now.

 

You are not ready for marriage. And I have significant doubts that he is "the one".

[tex_maam]

Thanks tremendously for the replies, you-all - it is awesome of you to take the time, and so much appreciated.

 

And it was way past bedtime when I first posted, so, to clarify:

 

--can't just cohabit, unfortunately. Immigration situation right now means that we either get married or keep on living with an ocean between us. Lame!

 

--on reflection, I don't expect anyone to volunteer to ride shotgun with me when I die and that is fine. But to live all the time between now and then by myself... is a hell of a frightening thing. I get by right now with a roommate and a couple of fish.

 

I guess what's making it hard right now is that I'm afraid of getting married, for sure, but I am also afraid of EVERYTHING ELSE EVER, most especially everything having to do with things changing. It's freaking me out to watch my parents get older, and to think about them getting sick and senile and dying off someday, and to think about my roommate moving out when she finishes her degree, and - oh my pancreas! - I have cried for weeks about turning from 25 to 26, cuz I totally cannot handle the thought of getting older, of an appreciable part of my life actually being over and DONE with, and of having to hurry up and make massive decisions (marriage, kids, etc.) before The Man inevitably gets sick of waiting and my uterus implodes, respectively.

 

So it's hard to know if THIS deathly-afraid feeling relates particularly to "hey, maybe this marital business is a bad idea just now", or if it's just a part of the all-over existential-terror kick I've been on lately.

 

And yeah, I agree, keeping an LDR going for eight years is both bogus AND sad, but I don't feel too bad about that part. We were 18 when we first hooked up (accidentally, through an online game) and had a lot of growing-up to do. Any more than twice a year and we probably wouldn't have been able to stand it... but boy, he has matured like one FINE hunk of feta, and I will feel so bad if I miss out on him because I can't get myself together!

[Walk]

I would feel anxious, agitated knowing a guy I rarely saw was coming to visit. It is a disruption to your normal life. It takes you out of your comfort zone and throws you face first into a serious relationship. For the most part you're single most the year, then for those 2 visits you have to drastically alter your life to accomadate a bf you never see. That would make me anxiety ridden.

 

Then you throw in the thought of actually marrying this man... someone you barely see in person? I'm not sure how long your visits with this man last, but twice a year for 8 years would only be a handful of months "in person". You would never really see his most annoying habits, or get to learn who he is on a one-to-one daily basis. Everything you really know about the guy is filtered through a screen for the most part. When he visits he's on his best behavior for the limited time he's there. Same with you.

 

Both of you can use MSN to filter arguments or issues in ways you won't be able to do face-to-face if living with someone 24/7. Your past experiences in dealing with issues won't apply as well to living together, and wouldn't pack the experience you'll need in order to have faith that you two could work through issues in-person in the future. Especially when neither of you will be able to hide your true feelings behind a screen. And honestly, its the experiences of working through issues successfully that help make people feel confident about making the step to marriage (at least for people who are sane).

 

I think what you're feeling is pretty normal. I'm not sure what to say to help with that, other then maybe moving your communications with him to phone. It's a small step toward closing the gap in personal communication with him, one that will allow you to hear the emotion in each others voices. I'd also try discussing things like how he feels about chores, sharing bills, household responsibilities, family visits, time together and alone... etc. The more you know the less anxious you may feel.

[quankanne]

it kind of sounds like even though you really dig this guy, he's not the one for you. When the one you're meant to be with comes along, all those things you question, that you worry about or that scare you … well, they all seem to fall by the wayside because you realize just how "natural" the idea is to be linked to that person for the rest of your life.

 

at least, that's how it worked for me when meeting DH: I could see WAY down the line, and it didn't scare me like those things normally did. And because I could see how, yeah, the "one and one make one" thing worked ...