Lied about my weight - should he be mad??

[rubeegrl75]

Okay. This is quite the story and frankly it can fall under many categories on loveshack.

 

It's a long story but I will only tell the most relevant angles. I am in love with a man who is legally married. Yes, married. His wife is bipolar and was hospitalized after an attempted suicide. They no longer live together nor do they have intimate relations. She lives down the street from him. The reason he has not legally divorced her yet is that she has depended on him financially for the last 12 years, and until she is on her feet financially, emotionally, and psychologically, he hesitates to cut the ties. I support this (at least for now). They have 2 children together. Her family lives in Canada and he is all she has here in the states. They only knew eachother a few weeks before they married 12 years ago, and it sounds like 90 percent of it was a living hell. Despite his marital status, due to these circumstances i dont really consider myself the "other woman". I am a genuinely caring person and have never involved myself with a married man before.

 

Two years ago, he and I met online thru a friend, he had a question about my profession (i am an engineer). At first, he and I were just great friends. The friendship grew and grew. We talked hours on the phone every day. We became each others confidant and soulmate. I had just broken up with a long time bf and was hurting, and he was in a pretty hopeless situation with crazy wife and was hurting as well. Over time we fell in love, and yes, things got pretty hot and heavy on the phone quite often romantically. Phone sex all the time. We read eachother poetry, exchanged our private fantasies and personal lives, our families, and dreamt of a life together with no complications. Even talk marriage and kids.

 

He lives in northern california, I live in southern california. We started trading pictures, then eventually got a webcam.

 

Just before he and i started talking, i was diagnosed with systemic candida and began treatment. It affected my weight big time. My weight ballooned up to 195 pounds (I am 5'6). I hid it from him, especially after finding out from comments he made sometimes, he had a problem with overweight girls. In fact, he complained that his wife got fat from her bipolar meds (of course i defended her, she is sick for crying out loud!). But i knew that if i divulged my weight problem to him he would freak out. He takes very good care of himself. I am also insecure about my weight. Generally people consider me to be very good looking. I'm not vain in any sense, but I used to be a picture model (my face), am very curvaceous, and never had trouble attracting men. But I am also an engineer and the modeling was just a side job. Of course, when i started gaining weight, the come ons from other men sure did dwindle. Gee!

 

After a while he noticed that i was always reluctant to show him my body. Whether it was in photos or on the cam, it was always headshots that i showed him so i could hide my physical problem. He would gently bring it up, but i would always avoid the topic or make a joke. He had to have known i was hiding something. And i was. So what I did was send him bodyshots of me when i was lighter, even a pic of another girls legs (yes, i was that ridiculous), thinking "who cares if i'm deceiving him now, i'm going to make sure i look great when we meet and he won't care".

 

Of course also during this time he kept bugging me about meeting him in person. until things were settled with his wife, i felt uncomfortable meeting him. Also, i wanted to lose the weight before we met but i knew that it would be a tedious process, and we couldnt wait that long. Finally after 2 years. YES, 2 YEARS...of talking on the phone...i agreed to meet him in person. My treatment was done, I could concentrate on losing the weight, but i kept thinking "how am i going to tell him how heavy i am right now? should it matter? would he be mad? doesnt he love me for who i am?"

 

So i broke down and told him. Didn't tell him how heavy i was, just told him that i'm battling a slight weight problem and that its just temporary. He said okay. We agreed to meet in santa barbara. That was 3 weeks ago.

 

We did meet, it was magical (can you imagine finally meeting someone after 2 years!) and we made love multiple times (he was quite the horndog, but i guess 3 years of celibacy will do that to a guy), but i could tell that my size was a huge issue with him. He made little comments here and there, and i could tell that he is concerned about my weight problem. I told him i was only like 20 pounds overweight, when really i am like 50+ pounds overweight. I just couldnt bring myself to tell him. So when we met he was probably a bit shocked, but he hid it well at first.

 

Should he be upset? Is it really that big of a deal? I am losing weight already. I've dropped five pounds and have a lot more to go, but i sense from him a bit of apprehension. He kept saying that once we met he would finish up the divorce proceedings and we could be together, but now i feel like he's waiting to see what happens with me. Could the weight thing be an issue?? Do guys care about appearance that much? I guess if the tables were turned i would care. I'm just kinda confused.

 

We will meet again, he's coming down in november. I know he still loves me, but i could tell by little things he's said since we met that my weight really concerns him.

 

I guess any input here would be nice. Thanks thanks thanks!!

[Nevermind]

Yes, he has every right to be upset. You lied to him during the entire time, you deceived him deliberately. And even when you confessed, you still kept lieing (saying you were 20 pounds overweight when it was 50).

 

This would put me off much more than the actual weight.

 

What if he had no hair, was overweight and 4'1 tall? Would you not mind at all?

[Konfuzion]

You dont consider yourself the OW... Keep fooling yourself.

[amaysngrace]

I agree with Never. You lied to him. And that is probably bothering him more than the weight.

 

I would be completey honest about the reasons why you lied now. I think it's the only hope you have to gain back the trust.

[Geishawhelk]

You are the other woman.

You are deceitful, and I would bet a pound to a pinch of salt that he'll make all kinds of excuses to NOT 'come down' in November.

[xpaperxcutx]

The lies and the deceits!!!

 

I sympathize with your weight gain but by having deceived him from the start about how much you weighed may not have played in your favor. But it should allow you to see him in a new light, and how much he prefers skinny women. Also he had celibate for the last 3 years so jumping in bed with you during the first meeting was instinctual. I doubt he will overlook your weight anytime soon. He'll probably scrutinize you in his head until you finally shed the pounds. And until then, he'll try to keep you at a distance until he knows his "investments" in you aren't wasted. Which is to say he'll probably ditch you unless you show any promise of returning to your former figure.

 

Sad, isn't it?

[rubeegrl75]

thanks for the quick input everyone. I can tell that there is a lot of judgement towards me, and i don't mind, really. If you were actually knew me and were flies on the walls of mine and my guys conversations you wouldn't say those things, but what can i expect on an impersonal blog.

 

the main thing i was interested in was if you thought his "secret" worries might be justified. it looks like they are in your view, so at least I know that what he may be feeling is normal. Thanks!

 

And he bought his plane tickets for November, December, and January. At least i know that he likes me for who i am, too.

[Konfuzion]

thanks for the quick input everyone. I can tell that there is a lot of judgement towards me, and i don't mind, really. If you were actually knew me and were flies on the walls of mine and my guys conversations you wouldn't say those things, but what can i expect on an impersonal blog.

 

the main thing i was interested in was if you thought his "secret" worries might be justified. it looks like they are in your view, so at least I know that what he may be feeling is normal. Thanks!

 

And he bought his plane tickets for November, December, and January. At least i know that he likes me for who i am, too.

 

You like to justify all of your actions don't you? You lied to him.. And you are the other woman. This site is full of caring helpful people, dont try to make them out to be the bad guys because you cant be honest to others or yourself.

[Nevermind]

thanks for the quick input everyone. I can tell that there is a lot of judgement towards me, and i don't mind, really. If you were actually knew me and were flies on the walls of mine and my guys conversations you wouldn't say those things, but what can i expect on an impersonal blog.

 

I am sure the conversations were lovely, but keep in mind that they were also, at least partially, tinged with lies. And this is a problem. You even went as far as sending him fake pictures. This is deceit.

 

Don't take opinions personally, that don't agree with you. See it as a chance to understand his position better and to redeem yourself.

 

Sorry, if we made you uncomfortable, but the truth can hurt sometimes.

[Lizzie60]

Do you think he's that stupid.. he knows there is more than 20 lbs there to lose.. come on.. but that's not the issue.. even if it was only 5 lbs.. the thing is HE doesn't like overweight women.. simple.. and I can understand... that's a personal preference.. hard to overcome..

 

Just keep on losing the weight and see how it goes.. 45 more to lose.. keep going.. .

[rubeegrl75]

thank you "nevermind". I asked for honest opinions. Of the dozens of pics he has, i sent one that was not me. What can i say, i didn't want to disappoint him. Yes, i know i wasn't entirely truthful, but i felt my weight was also a private, personal problem. I asked him if he'd like to wait a bit longer before meeting so i could "get myself back together", and he said no.

 

after we met, i apologized, joking "sorry my butt is twice as big as you thought!" and he said "its okay, i know you are working out." and we left it at that. but i'm sure its on his mind. :-)

[rubeegrl75]

And i don't like overweight men. Ironic, huh? thank you Lizzie! can i snap my fingers and have that bod in your picture??

[Lizzie60]

And i don't like overweight men. Ironic, huh? thank you Lizzie! can i snap my fingers and have that bod in your picture??

 

Are you smoking?

 

and this is not my body in my avie.. I will change it to one of mine now..

 

when there's a will there's a way.. that's my motto.

[Konfuzion]

Are you smoking?

 

and this is not my body in my avie.. I will change it to one of mine now..

 

when there's a will there's a way.. that's my motto.

 

OMG put them away!!!!

 

BTW Much better than the old pic.

[Jilly Bean]

You dont think he has a right to be pissed? Were not talking about fudging 5 or 10 pounds here, hon. 50 is a huge amount of weight.

 

Thing is, he doesnt know that you *recently* put on 50 pounds. For all he knows, you have always been a very big girl, and lied about it from the get-go. Im sure he's questioning what else you would consider a "private issue" and not share with him.

[Art_Critic]

I am sure the conversations were lovely, but keep in mind that they were also, at least partially, tinged with lies. And this is a problem. You even went as far as sending him fake pictures. This is deceit.

 

I'm with nevermind and amaysngrace...

 

The bigger issue with the deceit is that once you came clean and told him about the lies you then lied again...

that is HUGE...

 

People make mistakes.. we all know that.. but what distinguishes one person from another in an instance of those mistakes is how they fix their mistakes..

 

The only way he can look at you is thru those lies..

 

I think you need to stop covering the lies and have a frank discussion with him about it..

 

You said he has already bought plane tickets.. remember that you are having sex with him and if he isn't getting any sex elsewhere then a plane ticket is an easy way of guaranteeing that he at the very least gets laid..

I wouldn't gauge the purchase of those tickets as to whether or not he is okay with your lies..

 

As far as the dating a married man thing.. I won't comment on that since this thread is in the Physical Fitness, Health & Weight Management forum and not the OM,OW section but I do think you have an idea on how people summarize those type of relationships...

[rubeegrl75]

Okay, gotcha. Guess i needed a dose of reality, i'll find a way to fix things, thanks!

[rubeegrl75]

Are you smoking?

 

 

 

when there's a will there's a way.. that's my motto.

 

i agree, thanks Lizzie.

[whichwayisup]

This guy is a dolt and isn't worth your time. If you stay with him, the weight thing will ALWAYS be an issue. He does not like bigger women. I'm not saying you're big, but if your weight goes up and down, you're going to be emotionally exhausted trying to fit HIS view on how you should look.

[rubeegrl75]

Well, i can see how it may be perceived as shallow, but at the same time, doesn't physical appearance matter at least to some degree? I mean, at least at first. It's not like i'm only a few pounds overweight, i have some serious weight to lose. What do you think? I feel bad about withholding the information, but he didn't want to wait to meet.

[xpaperxcutx]

Well, i can see how it may be perceived as shallow, but at the same time, doesn't physical appearance matter at least to some degree? I mean, at least at first. It's not like i'm only a few pounds overweight, i have some serious weight to lose. What do you think? I feel bad about withholding the information, but he didn't want to wait to meet.

 

He's already made it clear that he has a thing against overweight people. If that doesn't make him shallow, I dont see what it makes him. Also you lied to him about your weight, so he's expecting you to lose it. In the coming months when he visits you, do you honestly believe that he won't continue to bring up the issue?

[rubeegrl75]

I never said I wanted or expected him to drop the issue. I am just curious on how much weight really means to people in general. When we met he wasn't as tall as he said he was or as buff, but i didn't care, it was still him.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah but it seems you dont' have the same issues as he does. Weight IS an issue for him and some people just get turned off bigger women. He may be one of those guys.. I mean, what happens if you lose the weight, feel great, look great.. Then you gain it back, or more.. He gets turned off and makes smart ass comments here and there about it, acting passive. That is NOT something you want to deal with, especially since 'right now' you KNOW he isn't attracted to larger women. That's all my point really is.. Can you handle it?

[allina]

All the mess (his marriage, your weight, lies) aside I think that if you want to keep his interest you need to lose weight asap and make sure he knows you're losing. Maybe is he sees that you're losing a good 15 lbs a month he'll feel encouraged and won't stress about getting stuck with a fat girl. I'm not trying to be mean, I think heavy women can be beautiful but it seems like he doesn't, and it's his opinion that matters here.

[rubeegrl75]

Hmm, all good advice...much to think about. Yes, I am losing weight, but is 15 pounds a months excessive? how do i do it??