To Tony. What do you think?

[Aaron]

Hey Tony.

 

I have read some of your responses to other posts and you seem to know what is up. Your answers are to the point and not a load of B/S. So if you would tell me what you think about my situation. In an earlier post I spoke about it somewhat. My girlfriend of two years and I broke up a little over two weeks ago. She told me that she thought we might need a break and that she was not sure if she wanted to be in a relationship with me. It took a bit of thinking, but I understand her situation. We have been a long distance thing for almost a year now. I did see her about a week and a half ago however. At that time we talked about our situation she reinforced the fact that she was not sure what she wanted, she told me she loved me dearly though. We did talk a few times since then, however, the last time I told her two things. First I asked her if the truth was that she wanted to break off all ties, and just did not know how to tell me. She asked me if that was what I wanted, I told her that she knew what I wanted, but that I was pretty sure i could not handle just being friends because I knew that would come up at some time. Also i told her that the next time we talk, whenever, that may be, that it would be up to her. I am not going to call her, or email her or anything. I know that time and lonliness may be the only thing that can help. Am I right? What does this sound like to you. I know I can move on, and I will if I must. It is hard though, I know she loves me, and that things like school stress, a recent bout with sickness and the distance may be taking its toll on her. I have seen the pain this is causing her roll down her cheeks from her eyes. All I want is for her and I to be happy.

[Tony T]

Aaron:

 

I hope you encourage others besides myself to respond because I think you won't particularly care for my take on this issue.

 

First of all, NO lady who really loves you, cares about you and wants a relaationship with you, no matter how geographically undesireable you may be, is going to tell you she needs a break and is not sure she wants to be in a relationship with you. After two years, that's stuff you just know, assuming you are pretty normal.

 

If she really wanted a continued relationship with you, when you asked her if she wanted to break off all ties, she would have responded with a resounding NO rather than ask you if that's what you wanted. (She may have been hoping you would say yes.)

 

My gut feeling is that over the year she has been away, being human, she has found someone and probably has been seeing him...either casually and she wants to take it to the next step...or dating someone and she feels very guilty. So you asked if time and loneliness would handle things and, yes it would if there was nobody in the picture. But she would not have the attitude she has if nobody else was out there.

 

As a practical matter, unless there are fierce arguments or abuse in a relationship, things don't break off unless other parties have already entered the picture for at least one of the individuals.

 

This girl does not want to hurt you but right now her attention is on school and what is happening within her reach. The best thing you can do is not call her, make your encounters brief, move on and start dating people who are in your area and who are not planning on leaving soon. If she has something else in mind, you have been relegated to more of an annoyance than anything. Sure, she's going to say she loves you because she just doesn't want to get into the deep of it. She just wants you to go away for now.

 

If your relationship with this lady who is away at school is meant to be, it could rekindle at some future time. But for now, be kind to her, be nice because she sounds like a nice lady who cares a lot about your feelings. In her situation, the pain she is feeling is for you. She is in total control and, if she wanted, she could be back with you and her pain would immediately cease. The source of her pain is figuring out how to let you down the easiest. This shows she has a heart...so do your part and let her know you understand, that it's OK (even if it isn't). Don't tell her you won't be talking to her anymore, just don't.

 

I don't think you need to be committed to a lady who after two years is not sure about you. A break-up is a break-up. You did this mutually because it just wasn't working. If you get a flat tire, do you sit in your car and wait for it to reinflate? There is no particular reason or factor that I see here that would cause your relationship to spring back, under the circumstances, any time very soon.

 

Also practically speaking, time and distance put a wedge in any dating relationship, particularly if the parties are exposed to other people and opportunities. Celebrate the good times you had together, get out there and have fun, and if she comes back later and you are available, it was meant to be...and if she doesn't, don't give it a second thought.

[Aaron]

Aaron: I hope you encourage others besides myself to respond because I think you won't particularly care for my take on this issue. First of all, NO lady who really loves you, cares about you and wants a relaationship with you, no matter how geographically undesireable you may be, is going to tell you she needs a break and is not sure she wants to be in a relationship with you. After two years, that's stuff you just know, assuming you are pretty normal. If she really wanted a continued relationship with you, when you asked her if she wanted to break off all ties, she would have responded with a resounding NO rather than ask you if that's what you wanted. (She may have been hoping you would say yes.) My gut feeling is that over the year she has been away, being human, she has found someone and probably has been seeing him...either casually and she wants to take it to the next step...or dating someone and she feels very guilty. So you asked if time and loneliness would handle things and, yes it would if there was nobody in the picture. But she would not have the attitude she has if nobody else was out there. As a practical matter, unless there are fierce arguments or abuse in a relationship, things don't break off unless other parties have already entered the picture for at least one of the individuals.

 

This girl does not want to hurt you but right now her attention is on school and what is happening within her reach. The best thing you can do is not call her, make your encounters brief, move on and start dating people who are in your area and who are not planning on leaving soon. If she has something else in mind, you have been relegated to more of an annoyance than anything. Sure, she's going to say she loves you because she just doesn't want to get into the deep of it. She just wants you to go away for now. If your relationship with this lady who is away at school is meant to be, it could rekindle at some future time. But for now, be kind to her, be nice because she sounds like a nice lady who cares a lot about your feelings. In her situation, the pain she is feeling is for you. She is in total control and, if she wanted, she could be back with you and her pain would immediately cease. The source of her pain is figuring out how to let you down the easiest. This shows she has a heart...so do your part and let her know you understand, that it's OK (even if it isn't). Don't tell her you won't be talking to her anymore, just don't.

 

I don't think you need to be committed to a lady who after two years is not sure about you. A break-up is a break-up. You did this mutually because it just wasn't working. If you get a flat tire, do you sit in your car and wait for it to reinflate? There is no particular reason or factor that I see here that would cause your relationship to spring back, under the circumstances, any time very soon. Also practically speaking, time and distance put a wedge in any dating relationship, particularly if the parties are exposed to other people and opportunities. Celebrate the good times you had together, get out there and have fun, and if she comes back later and you are available, it was meant to be...and if she doesn't, don't give it a second thought. Hey Tony,

Thanks for the response, and I have sought the advice of many other people on this one. Let me tell you a couple other things she said. When I asked her if she wanted to break off all ties, she did give me a rather adamant NO. I have however, done as you suggested, I have went out with other friends and actually met a rather interesting person in the process. My heart is still with her, but I will not let that consume me. I have been in a few relationships were another person came into the picture, this one does not seem like that type of situation, I am not denying the fact that it may in fact be, but I know she is sincere. Of course in the beginning I asked her if there was someone else or if she wanted there to be, and as expected she said NO with vigor, but I am pretty sure she would have said that in any case. But I believe her, not because i am stubborn but because I know who she is and what kind of young lady she is, even though I may not fully understand what she is thinking or feeling. I know that in time I will find out the truth, whether at that time it is oemost on my mind or not. I know that being in the environment she is in and the fact that she is only 20 provides a multitude of alternative options instead of me, I am just not sure that is what she wants. Thanx for your thoughts more than likely they are pretty acurate, even though part of me hopes they are not.

[Tony T]

I'm not going to tell you she has been dishonest with you, but telling you there is no one else is part of the process of sparing your feelings. I have been told this a number of times myself in the past...but a short time later, it was a different story. So don't put a lot of stock in what she says here, regardless of her history of honesty. In these circumstances, with what she is going through, the last thing she wants to see you do is crash because she wants to see someone else.

 

But the fact remains that your heart may be in this relationship but her heart is not. Therefore, by definition there is not a romantic relationship. So you need to find another home for your heart.

 

I am not being insensitive here. I know all to well what you are feeling now. It is not a party. I have been where you are many times and wish there would have been someone to help get it through my thick skull that it was over. A person can waste years of life waiting for romance to rekindle. If you give CPR to a dead person, can you bring them back to life? NO!!!!!!!!!

 

You are a great guy!!! Go for the best.