Should I Be Honest About This

[Butterflying]

I dated this guy exclusively several years ago. We broke up and over time, we've kept in touch. He has basically come clean about everything he did because it was mainly flirting with other women while we were together which that ultimately went to far and caused the break up.

 

It's been over 4 years since then. Now I realize I did some terrible things to him during the relationship that he suspected me of doing but he never had proof.

 

When we first met, we had a terrible fight. He accidentally left his cell phone at my house. I found it and noticed erotic messages from other woman. I destroyed the phone and threw it in the garbage. He didn't know where he left it. I never told him I found it. And he ended up buying a new phone.

 

Later, I discovered that he was still heavily involved with an XGF. The relationship was too close for comfort. So I manipulated that XGF into ending her relationship with him because I wanted him all to myself. I denied everything. He didn't know rather to belive her or me. He chose me.

 

I had access to all of his personal information (because he gave it to me). I used to check his emails and phone records. But I continued to do that even after we broke up. He had no idea. So I knew everything about his new girlfriend. When they got serious and started planning marriage, I sabbatoged that relationship too. But he had no idea I was the culprit because he had no idea I was still checking his personal info.

 

The final straw came recently, last year. I almost poisoned him when I replaced some whipped cream in his refrigerator with shaving cream. I did it as a practical joke. But then I forgot about it until he ate some of it on a dessert. It tasted bad and he didn't eat enough to get sick. But he questioned me about it later. And I was too afraid to tell the truth.

 

Now he and I are getting along so great. There is a good chance we might get back together. But he has been questioning some of the things I've mentioned above. Apparently, he has been suspisoius for a long time and finally wants me to admit it.

 

It's the past and I just want to let by gones be by gones. I'm afraid that the truth will make him think I'm crazy and he'll never want to be with me again. I also don't know why he wants to focus on the past if we're trying to build a future.

[whichwayisup]

You owe him the truth...And I hate to say it, but you need to seek some counselling because what you've done is borderline obsessive jealously and crazy. This behaviour isn't normal, it's scary..

 

I mean, what if things change between you two? You're going to react and get nasty, do something stupid..

 

He gave you the truth and you owe it to him - And yes, to be honest, you'll probably lose him, rightfully so because you messed in his life in SO MANY ways.

 

I am sorry and I don't mean to make you feel bad, it's just something in you is broken and out of control..That part of you needs to be fixed before you can have a healthy relationship with him, or any other guy.

[whichwayisup]

I also don't know why he wants to focus on the past if we're trying to build a future.

 

He needs to know because of this:

 

But he has been questioning some of the things I've mentioned above. Apparently, he has been suspisoius for a long time and finally wants me to admit it.

His gut KNOWS something isn't right and he won't give up until he knows the truth. He can't ignore the red flags..

[Butterflying]

Thanks WWIU. Deep in my heart, I know what your saying is right. I'm just so scared. Spiritually, I've evolved from these type of things. And I honestly believe that he brought out the worst in me during those times. He would do things to make me jealous on purpose and I was young and naive.

 

Right now, it bothers me that I am struggling with the decison to come clean. Mainly, I don't want him to judge me NOW for the way I behaived back THEN.

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, if you don't tell him, can you live with what you've done and the guilt of it?

 

How long ago did all this happen? And how much time in between has taken place since you two have reconnected?

 

And, what happens if he turns jerkish towards you again - Would you react the same way and malcious? Did you ever seek any counselling to help you learn how to cope with those types of situations?

 

Mainly, I don't want him to judge me NOW for the way I behaived back THEN.

IF you decide to tell him, then there's where you start. Tell him you're not the same person as before and (hopefully) have changed your ways and the way you handle things.

[DeePee]

If you really love him you'll tell him the truth. Acknowledge that you do care about him, that you've matured, and let him understand that. If the two of you truly have grown up, then the past will remain the past and your future will blossom. If either of you hasn't grown up failure is certain either way.

 

If you lie, he'll be suspicious forever. Gut feelings have a way of mimicking the truth or bringing out the worst in us.

 

If you tell him the truth, you're being fair to him. And he can only be thankful for that aspect of you now. Sure, it'll hurt him, but he may be stronger than you realize and let things pass to stay with you.

 

No matter what you do, karma will work its way with you. I vote tell him. Would you want to be lied to?

[whichwayisup]

I'll add this too - NOW is your only time to come clean. You two are just starting out again..If you wait a year or even 6 months - It'll kill everything. If need be, offer to do counselling with him and apart - To prove that you have changed and are willing to work with him, prove yourself.

 

You're scared, we all can understand that, it's just your window of opportunity to tell him isn't that long..

[Yamaha]

You can't base a relationship on lies but your's goes why beyond lies. Your obsessed. Your jealousy will end it if you don't get some counseling.

It's not a matter of telling him. It's a matter of getting you healthy.

[Butterflying]

How long ago did all this happen? And how much time in between has taken place since you two have reconnected?

It's been 4 years.

And, what happens if he turns jerkish towards you again

This is a great question because I honestly don't know. I have had counseling and the men I've dated over the past four years have not treated me as badly as this particular guy did back then.

 

For instance, I haven't had a need to "check up" on anyone because most men are pretty straight forward with me. So I really need to find out where this particular guy is in his life right now. Has he changed? Does he realize the negative impact he played in our previous relationship? This is difficult because he says he has changed. But I can't know for sure until I get back into it with him again.

 

I'd hate to come clean [if he hasn't changed] and then have him use that as amunition to degrade me the way he did back then. That may deter the progress I've made.

 

I agree with all of you, finally, that I do need to come clean. But I need advice on how to know for sure that he has changed before getting "committed" with him again..... and before I let it all out.