Commitment phobia: He still refuses to "review" the idea of living together

[watsycakes]

I am a 3 year old female who is in a long-term relationship for the firs time in my life. I have been seeing a 35 year old guy for almost two years. I am from North America and he is from Russia. The problem is, that after almost two years, he still doesn't want to move in with me. I would like very much to be with him as a full partner, making plans for the future. I don't want to get married necessarily, and I don't want to have kids. I just want to live together and conduct our lives in a shared fashion. When we met, he told me that he didn't want anything serious, and I agreed. Within a few weeks, I knew that I was in love with him. I told him after we were together for a few months that I loved him, and after about 9 months, we had the first discussion about living together. He said that he would never live with anyone, he can't handle having people around him all the time and that he is claustrophobic. He also repeats constantly that he has stomach problems and this makes it hard for him to sleep with anyone else in the room at times. This upset me a great deal, of course, but I was hoping to see changes in his behaviour.

 

My bf had a difficult childhood, being an only child with his dad leaving when he was 5 and his mother passing away when he was 15. He has an aunt that he is quite close to and he does keep contact with some of his high school friends, even though some of them still live in Russia. I feel that he is very loyal and considerate at most times.

 

Since we began dating, his behaviour has gone from a steamy sexual demeanor to a playful and affectionate one, where he is much more affectionate than he used to be and somewhat more demonstrative. These changes have led me to believe that maybe he feels more comfortable with our relationship, and therefore may be more open to a fuller relationship.

 

The problem is that after all this time, and what I view to be a considerable change of attitude on his part, he still refuses to "review" the idea of living together. We do see each other on sort of a schedule where I stay at his house Wednesdays and weekends (usually Saturday night only with Fridays thrown in as required by plans and circumstances) and return home on Sunday evenings. This past Sunday, we were at a party thrown by one of his friends a little later than I had intended we would be. When we arrived at his place, I had hoped that my bf would invite me to stay as my ride home on my bike is about 1/2 hr and it was late. He did not. I called him and was angry about this, but he said he was too tired to argue. I called him the next day and said that I would like to talk about it after work. I met him at his place and we had a discussion about it in which he called up our "agreement" around staying over as support for his position and questioned my idea that he should have asked me to stay. We argued for a while, but I got too emotional and wanted to hug him. He hugged me and told me not to cry and said that he was sorry that we would never be as close as I wanted us to be. We had had a similar discussion a couple of months back where I told him that he had a choice: either agree to try to approach living together or I would leave. He said that he would try. This was very emotional and took up an entire night. It was exhausting.

 

OK, finally, my question is: can this behaviour or set of beliefs be "reprogrammed" by consistent loving, accepting behaviour on my part? Can I change how he feels about living together? Is it worth waiting (no more than 4 years, probably) for him to get where I am at in the relationship? WIll he ever get there? Can he? Any help on this subject would be greatly appreciated. I love him and want to be with him, but I love myself too and am torn.

[watsycakes]

sorry, I am a 35 year old female. (obviously 3 is a bit young)

[Strangefruit]

I don't believe that there is any such thing as commitment phobia. I had a long term relationship with a guy who didn't want us to move in together and I put this down to his commitment phobia. Eventually, things happened and we did end up moving in together. It lasted 3 months after a 5 year relationship. So in the end I realised that he hadn't wanted us us to move in together because he recognised that, while we got on/had a good sex life/were very close, we weren't actually compatible as partners and us living together proved him right.

 

I had also spent a long time pondering his family background, psychological make up and so on. I could have given you a long list of very convincing reasons why he wasn't able to make that commitment. The only one that I wouldn't have given you was that we just weren't right for each other and not living together was the only way to make the relationship work. Hard to face but sometimes true. I can't say whether this is the case for you but from what you've written, especially "can this behaviour or set of beliefs be "reprogrammed" by consistent loving, accepting behaviour on my part", I will say that you can't change people through love.

 

Be with the person you want to be with not with someone you think you can make the person you want to be with. If you want a life partner, find someone who wants the same.

 

After the relationship I refer to above, I began a relationship with someone else who wasn't willing to commit to me. Again I spent a long time thinking about how/when things would change but eventually realised that they wouldn't. I wanted out but when he dumped me I cried for days. I kept putting so much effort into relationships but never got what I needed from them. Why did I keep meeting men who weren't able to commit? Why wasn't I able to be upfront and just say 'what I want is a long-term relationship, leading to marriage and kids'? Why was what I wanted so unimportant that I'd compromise it just to keep the relationship going? Why did my needs have to come second?

 

And then I decided to try a different approach. I was going to put myself first. No more compromise. No more waiting until he changes.

 

I'm in a new relationship now. With a man who wants the same as me. It's fantastic. I see my previous relationships in a new light and I know I'll never do that to myself again.

 

Love yourself and see what happens.

[2SidestoStories]

Mine is a story that may help put things into perspective for you. To start off, I'm 25, was married when I was 20, and am now going through a divorce. You may attribute my mistakes to my youth, but frankly, it is a mistake that many people make in spite of their age.

 

My ex and I fell into puppy love after a few months of trials and tribulations (he was in school in another city, and our only form of communication previous to becoming involved was e-mail, which as perhaps anyone could tell you is NOT a way to communicate well!) and as is wont to happen, thought we could easily spend the rest of our lives together. But we had this one major factor working against us the entire time: we both wanted different things out of life. The worst thing is that when we would SAY what we wanted, it was SIMILAR, but never exactly the same.

 

I became pregnant after six months of our relationship had gone under the bridge. Yet I refused to marry him strictly on the basis that I was having his baby, or so I believed. During my pregnancy, he grew more and more distant, and I KNEW he did not care for me in the same way as he had when it had been a question of "just us." In subsequent fights we've had, he's told me he stopped loving me just before our daughter was born. (Lovely, no?)

 

The thing is, my ex was not at all afraid of committment...to me alone. He never actually wanted to have children. And five years later, he has fathered two. It is quite possible that he thought he wanted kids, but did not realize what it meant to have them. A lot of work, sharing of time, etc. Apparently he wanted me all to himself. He's confessed being jealous of his own children! And not in the typical father fashion, where it fades with time...in such a way that he turned negligent to me and to the kids.

 

So I'm seeking a divorce as well as custody of the kids. My problem was not hearing what he was trying to communicate. My problem was hearing what I wanted to hear; latching on to things that "may have meant" something I knew deep down they did not mean. Your man has told you the truth from his perspective. It hurts especially because you so badly want him to turn around and change his mind. But people do not change their minds about things which they have convinced themselves for years. Listen to yourself asking if there is a way to "reprogram" this man you say you love! A HUGE part of love is acceptance. If you cannot accept your bf for who he is, it is time for you to move on.

[HokeyReligions]

OK, finally, my question is: can this behavior or set of beliefs be "reprogrammed" by consistent loving, accepting behaviour on my part?

You cannot change someone else. Get that out of your head. You two had an agreement and he is the only one sticking to it.

 

Can I change how he feels about living together?

No. I repeat. You cannot change someone else.

 

Is it worth waiting (no more than 4 years, probably) for him to get where I am at in the relationship?

No one can tell you what your time and effort are worth except you.

 

WIll he ever get there?

Get where? A relationships isn’t a line with well defined stops along the way that everyone reaches sooner or later. He has already told you that he doesn’t want to live with you. He may never feel the way you do – even if he did decide to live with you he may never love you the way you want to be loved.

 

Can he? Any help on this subject would be greatly appreciated. I love him and want to be with him, but I love myself too and am torn.

 

I know you are hurting and struggling to find answers, but the answers are in you – no one else. You love him more than he loves you. Accept that and stay in the situation the way it is, or move on. You can not change another person, or guide their emotions.

[quankanne]

this makes me think of a well-meaning parent who forces their child to eat certain vegetables because they're healthy for the kid. Their intentions are good, but the kid ends up resenting them AND that particular food item.

 

I'm not sure what the rush is to live with someone, especially someone not interested in that kind of lifestyle. You can't make him want to live with you any more than you can force someone to marry you or to love you. Maybe it's time to ditch the guy since the only options you gave him were "move in or I split."

 

[color=indigo]I would like very much to be with him as a full partner, making plans for the future.[/color]

 

maybe he sees this on the same level of commitment as marriage, and it makes him uncomfortable because he's got a different moral view on living together? Or, maybe he just doesn't see you as the kind of girl to make that kind of commitment to ...