Lovelost978 Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 Not sure if this is the right forum for this...it was hard to find a place for it...it is family related. Sooooo...I am an only child and my parents were divorced, and it was nasty, when I was 5. I repeatedly saw my parents fight physically and mentally. My father moved in with another woman immediately upon moving out and she was a lot younger than my mom and didnt have any kids. My father was the kind of person who wanted to be your friend but not your dad and hes very irresponsible. He eventually married the woman he cheated on my mom with and I know she wanted to have kids cause she always wanted me to call her mom but couldnt understand why I wouldnt ...duh. They broke up 4 years later and she went on to marry someone else and have children. As I grew up I always thought I was the perfect catch, from watching my parents I readily put forth in my mind that I never wanted to marry or have children and that all guys would love me because guys didnt want kids or to get married (based on my experience with my father). I dated people telling them this all the time...I really thought it was a good thing...until an ex once told me "it really turned me off that you said you didnt want to get married". I was 23 and it hit me like a brick in the head. I had convinced myself this was what I wanted and now maybe it wasnt what a lot of other people wanted like I had thought...how could I have gotten to 23 thinking this??? Over the next couple years I tried to relax my thoughts and accept that other people might want these things and I might meet someone who wants them and would it be worth it to want the same things. I tried hard and looking back it always felt kinda fake when I said I wanted those things. More recently I have started to vehemently go back to my original beliefs even though I know they may ruin relationships...I cannot make myself believe anything different. I feel as though many years of negative thoughts about marriage etc has made me really believe what I think and I cant get around it. I know there are probably people out there who dont want to get married and have kids but they seem few and far between especially as I get older and everyone is pressured to settle down and start families. Anyone else out there feel the same way? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 You deserve love and a healthy relationship, but because of your parents divorce and how they handled it infront of you, the OW and her being forced into your life so quickly, sadly, you have alot of pain and mistrust about marriage and committment. I hope you seek some counselling to help you grieve and deal with your past.. And, if you DO choose to not get married, that's OK too. Not everyone gets married or has kids. Many people have common-law marriages, kids or no kids.. Don't let anyone make you feel pressured, it's your life and you live for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Trojan John Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 My wife was had a very similar childhood. Her father cheated and left her mother. They are four siblings, and each one of them has had relationship problems and does/did not want to get married or have children. It took me about three years to convince my wife that we could be married and not end up like our parents did. It's all about knowledge of self and each other, confidence and trust. That being said, don't get married or do anything unless YOU really want to. Do what is in your best interest always. Link to post Share on other sites
vintagecat Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I didn't want to have children for a number of reasons due to events in my childhood and I didn't have them, and won't ever (going through the change) and I have never regretted it though I was warned often enough that I would. Yes there will be questions and occasionally pressure regarding your decisions not to live according the the commonly travelled path. Just make sure that not getting married and not having children is something that you really stand by, that it will meet your needs and that it's not the product of an overreaction or an "I'll show them" mentality. You can best sort out the issues of your real needs/wants with some counseling as others have suggested. Certainly you can live a happy life without marriage and children but be sure that if this is really what you want, to not to mislead anyone that you are intimate with in order to keep the relationship. FWIW after a really bad first marriage and divorce, I was pretty set on not remarrying again. My present husband who knew this going in to the relationship, really changed my mind about the possibilities of happiness with another human being. I ended up living with for him 3 years waiting for the other shoe to drop, married for another 17 and the shoe hasn't dropped yet. You might change your mind later on, which is okay too. Good luck to you. I can relate but not for the same initial causes. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted October 26, 2008 Share Posted October 26, 2008 I feel as though many years of negative thoughts about marriage etc has made me really believe what I think and I cant get around it. I know there are probably people out there who dont want to get married and have kids but they seem few and far between especially as I get older and everyone is pressured to settle down and start families. Anyone else out there feel the same way? I say leave the door open and do not say anything about marraige/having children for a while to yourself or others. Messed up childhoods have a way of robbing us of different 'somethings'. I went for the no marraige, no children thing for a while too. It is my belief that we have many options of partners out there in the world and can actually end up attracting the ones most simular to aspects of ourselves which we fight the most. Obviously I cannot prove this, its just my own personal belief and analysis of couples who I see who are always trying to change some aspect of the other person. I think that you need to bury some old ghosts and set yourself free. Who knows, you may actually be a really good mother but are denying that aspect of yourself? Also, parenting is the hardest job in the world. I cannot provide any excuses for your Parents but really you will not fully understand what they experienced until you have children of your own. Hopefully you will have a greater sense of responsiblity if that time ever does come.. we are all in the same boat in that regard! Take it easy on yourself. Who knows whats around the corner? Link to post Share on other sites
MN randomguy Posted October 26, 2008 Share Posted October 26, 2008 I know what you mean. My parents stayed together but it wasn't always pretty. For now, +1 on the counseling. Not to have a goal of changing your opinion one way or another, but, just to deal with the pain and be able to better make decisions in your life based on a more accurate perception of the world. Be honest, right now the truth is that you don't know if you ever want to settle down. Not an uncommon position. Try to have friends who are in healthy relationships. Ideally if you had a mentor that was a happily married 40 something. I've spent time with one of my best friends and his family. His parents are this happy late 50s early 60s couple that hold hands and go on walks and that type of stuff. Being around their family is a little strange for me, but I think its good. There's a lot yto learn from them. There are good and bad marriages. I would ideally like to have a good marriage, but think that no marriage is better than a bad one. Link to post Share on other sites
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