lovejunkie10 Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 So I have written before and I would love some more advice.. background: married 8.5 years, have been separated for 4 mos. Had an emotionial relationship outside of my marriage and that made me rethink where I was at. AFter I moved out, it turned physical. The hubby is controlling and has anger issues and may have alcohol issues as well. THat is what caused the rift over time. So.. we decided to work on the relationship with counseling , tried it a few times, I had a difficult time letting go of the other guy. Finally did it, but still conflicted inside as nothing much has changed with the hubby. He is still the same way when he gets angry- it is always his way or the highway. He is the "captain of the ship","I came into his world", etc. So he had me write the other guy a note saying we are done etc. I did it but I did put in that if my relationship with the hubby did not work out, I would be interested in dating him. Well, the H wanted to see the email and I sanitized it somewhat as he did not need to know some of it. I wrote that I loved my husband and we were going to work on things (that was in the email to the OM).. so: This is the problem (among many) : the hubby has decided that he has the right to read my cell phone and any emails that are on it (I have a blackberry). Because of the trust issues .. So he has read of my confusion and notes to my counselor (personal) and he made me show him the actual text that I sent to the other guy as he knewthat I sanitized it somewhat. I feel like I DID end it with the other guy (I told him to move on with his life and not wait for me) and what with the H reading everything it has really made everything a lot more complicated. Now, after reading the last email where I said I would date him if the H and I didn't work out, he is full steam for divorce. Was I a jerk for writing that? I am trying in my marriage but he has made it worse with reading stuff that is personal. Honestly at this point, I am obviously skeptical that we can work.. He has even read stuff I wrote to my counselor. I am kinda in shock right now as he literally went screeching out of her (I could hear his car leaving the complex). I think that personal stuff is just that and I feel like he is violating my boundaries when he does that stuff. However, I messed up the trust issues so maybe I deserve it? Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 Cheaters always make themselves out to be the victim!! Yes you were in the wrong big time!!! You cheated which is what led you to separate, I know you are going to say that this is not true but it is. You already said that the EA started while you were separated and then turned PA. Once you cheat you lost all right to be trusted and if you want your M to work you need to be 100% in and transparent. You do not leave someone in the background! You talk about your H's problems but you say nothing about yourself. Were you perfect in the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 Was I a jerk for writing that? Not a "jerk", no. Your soon-to-be-ex isn't violating any boundaries that you aren't allowing to be violated. I honestly can't see where you have made a sincere effort to "try in your marriage"...but I can't see why anyone would want to try to resuscitate a dead marriage, anyway. You deserve happiness, success and personal fulfillment. No less and no more. Go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
misternoname Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 Going through something similar with the major exception being that I was a good husband and my wife has always been looking for greener grass. We attempted a reconcilliation. I agreed to let her meet with her boyfriend in person to let him know they were done, no more contact, etc. I found out shortly thereafter that they had NOT ceased contact. Her excuse was that he was just "checking" on her because he still cared about her. We went to our first (and last) counseling session together. I told the counselor that I couldn't even begin the process of working on our marriage until I had 100% assurance that she had stopped all contact with him. The counselor whole heartedly agreed that we couldn't even start the process of fixing us if she continued to keep a foot out the door. She asked my wife point blank if she was willing to commit to those conditions. Her response? "I don't know...you're backing me into a corner." I got up...told her to F herself and walked out. When you've broken trust it's your job regardless of the circumstances to rebuild it. That would require you to be an open book for as long as it takes for your spouse to once again feel comfortable. So yes...it was a jerky thing to do. My advice...leave, don't look back, don't give your husband false hope and let the man have his dignity (although he doesn't sound like he deserves it). Harsh? Yes. But it's reality. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 You cheated. What is there really to expect from him? Of course he's going to be defensive, angry, controlling, and distant. He's reacting to the emotional hell that you've put him through. What do you want? Search your soul and go after it. Stop playing both of these men. Link to post Share on other sites
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