angie2443 Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 That basically, since in THIRTY YEARS you might have a codger for a husband that you should avoid the love you feel now for him. Sheesh! Nobody can predict the future both good and bad. What if a week after your wedding you get struck by a car and paralyzed? What should he do then? Abandon you? What if this? What if that? Maybe you ought to live your life to the fullest, putting in 100% of your effort to be happy and seeking happiness where you find it. Being ethical in your pursuit of it with whomever it is you connect yourself to. Good luck. These are some big "what ifs". The fact is, this man is much older. It will have certain consequences in the future. The OP wouldn't have come here if she didn't understand this. These consequences she may choose to live with. Maybe the benifits outway them. Still, I think it is good that she is exploring them before making what is to be a life time decision regarding this man. Link to post Share on other sites
ditchingmrwrong Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 I am 10 years older than my wife. First marriage at 42, and we both wanted children. We just celebrated our 5th year anniversary with two beautiful girls (3 1/2 & 2 1/4) and a boy due in March. PRO's- you've truly found someone you love today, and you have a lot of common interests that will survive the test of time. You can look into the future w/o concern that he will break down. You are willing / able to remain loyal and care for him, even if his sex drive or activity level wanes. These are tough questions, and you need to be honest with yourself that you are dedicated to him and the relationship over time. CON's- one of your interests in him is financial security, and you may even find that he has more in common with your parents than you! Do you want children, and can you picture him being a "grandpa dad"? He may even be condescending. You may need to be a nursemaid as he ages. Are you the type that could take in your father and care for him 24/7, compromising the flexibility and potentially quality of your own life? It is the penultimate unselfish act to be in love and potentially care for the life of another. But everyone is not cut out for this uncompromising commitment. Be sure that if you can answer positively to many of these challenging questions, you proceed with your eyes wide open. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 jaydee and ditching: THANK YOU! MA, we're not trying to be naysayers, but pointing out certain truths about having an older partner/spouse. They *do* tend to deal with health issues before the younger partner, and that takes a toll on a marriage when you're subconsciously expecting that person to be at the same level as you are, health-wise. There's no sin (or crime) for those of us who have this experience to point it out. What OP does with this information is up to her – why should we lie when it means helping her better understand certain realities of having that older partner? mags – am truly sorry to hear about your husband's diagnosis with p-cancer. How is he doing now? Link to post Share on other sites
MegaMags Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 Hey Quankanne that's really nice that you ask! Well it was a long time ago now and he had to undergo a big operation and them chemotherapy then about a year of side effects and recovery. It was hell. But I am happy to say he has made a complete recovery from the cancer and yes it left him impotent which presents issues to both of us. But we wanted our marriage to survive and even, if possible, get closer. So we both have the attitude that it is sad he had the cancer and is not the man he was but he is alive and undamaged otherwise and we still love each other and make love to each other despite the impotence. So we have got through it. It was a real test. But when you make those vows "for better or worse" you either mean them or not. In all other respects our marriage has been and remains wonderful. But this does not happen on its own. You both have to be constantly committed to each other's happiness and not your own. It is not always easy by any means. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 glad to hear he's been cancer-free for so long, mags. Though the lack of sex surely sux, I'm dealing with that in my own marriage, too, thanks to DH's screwed up back. It's gotten to the point that I just blow off the whole idea, because thankfully, he's otherwise good about everyday intimacy (hugging, kissing, snuggling). And if it weren't for those little things, I think it'd *really* hurt, because the human person can go longer without sex than they can affection. I read posts by people who say "No sex? No way!" and wonder if they realize what they're limiting themselves to when it comes to relationships – for whatever reasons, libido comes and goes, and if there's nothing else going between a couple (i.e., the intimacy, the affection, the respect), that relationship is doomed from the beginning. thanks for sharing a good example to for OP to mull over! Link to post Share on other sites
Alma Mobley Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 I am pretty supportive of age-gap relationships, as I am in one. But, there is a bit of a line. I can't tell you where that line is, I can only describe it ... It's somewhere in there where there is a loss of power balance... ... where you have no common ground on culture ... you don't know what the other is talking about in terms of film and television -- corallary -- if a lacking in this area, a feeling of superiority or not willing to share ... where there are no shared values ... you can't talk about politics because one partner is ignorant of history IME, this spells death for a relationship, unless the relationship is built on more than the superficial things. Yeah, I know, most of them are built on those things. Sigh. So, it's not really the age or the length of the gap. Link to post Share on other sites
MegaMags Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 quankanne - Thanks so much for this. Its so helpful to hear someone else coming from the same perspective. As you say, when relationships for so many people are so orientated around sex it can make me wonder sometimes what we might be missing. But for me the affection and commitment otherwise are more than compensation. Plus I had more than my share when the going was good so I've always got that to look back on !!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kitty161 Posted October 23, 2008 Author Share Posted October 23, 2008 It’s OK. Celebrities do it all the time. Michael Douglas is 25 years older than his wife Catherine Zeta-Jones. Clint Eastwood is a whopping 36 years older than wife Dina. Link to post Share on other sites
MegaMags Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 Maybe but their reasons for marrying are unlikely to be very real. As super rich celebrity people they don't need to be. Ordinary people are not the same, do not have the same motivation and its' a mistake to think they are the same. It does not make anyone happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Emmie08 Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 hey I have gone through a very good book which has a whole chapter on this topic and can guide you well ........its Ditching Mr Wrong and you can find some info regarding the same on its web........just google ditchingmrwrong.....if and I will search out for the author of this book if he can be invited here to speak and guide on this topic. Link to post Share on other sites
Liza_isin Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 Men mature later than women, particularly in affairs of the heart. Women often find men their own age ill-prepared for relationships and not yet established professionally or financially. Link to post Share on other sites
ditchingmrwrong Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 Hi......I am 27 years old and planning to marry a guy who is significantly older than me? What do you all say.. Kitty, several aspects to consider. Think about people you know in and out of long term relationships, how many of them are actually happy? It may be better to find true love with time boundaries, and enjoy the quality years together, than not at all. Recognize in advance limitations of your significant other, the burden placed on you as a result. A woman born today should live to ~81-82 and a man ~78-79. Given the math and comparable health, you may spend 18 years alone at the end of your time on earth. The last few years together, you may be the primary caretaker. If you are signed up for this, and your love is deep and uncompromised, then you enter this relationship with your "eyes wide open". Family planning is another aspect. Are you and your love in sync? My wife is 10 years younger, and we were wed at 42 / 32, and have 2 beautiful daughters 3 1/2 and 2 1/4, with a boy due in March. Do you desire to have children, and does he have any children from a prior relationship? Be sure that you agree unequivocally on this matter, since you are at a prime age to start a family. Can you depend on him to support you, and have you discussed placing your career on hold? The other element is your "effective age". There are tests you can take to determine this based on your physical condition, habits, family history. RealAge.com, Eons.com and Men's and Women's Health are good areas to find some of these tests. I computed much younger and have longevity on all 4 sides of my grandparents, so my wife had a good chance of keeping me around longer (if she can take it or doesn't kill me off sooner). You can take some compatibility tests at www.ditchingmrwrong.com, they are free of charge to download. The fact that you are asking a public forum for input, means that you should conduct some due diligence. Making a selection of a significant other for the long haul is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life- your happiness and lineage is dependent upon this selection! Link to post Share on other sites
Meet 4 Coffee Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 I agree. I am 40 and men over 45 really just....are too old and unattractive to me. My 29 year old friend (who is attractive) just married an unattractive 45-year old and although he is nice I just think...what the hell is she thinking? He looks more like 50! She'll get to be 40 and he'll be an even more unattractive 57 year old. I'm here thinking 57 year olds are like dads to me, no sexual attraction for me there. When I'm 55 I'll get it, though. It wasn't for money she married this guy, either, she's still stuck working through her 60's probably (they're both teachers.) I think a lot of the reason significantly younger women marry older men is that they pamper them and make them feel so special and the woman is blown away by the attention and thinks she can't do better. The older man often gives her reasons to think that way (brainwashing at work, the daddy effect) That's the only thing I can think of. I think that, at your age, a 15-yr age gap is no big deal... The problem is when you both get older.. I had almost 12 yr with my first ex.. he was older.. at one point... we became soooo different... When he'll be 60 and you'll be 45..you will find him to be too old for you.. because you'll be able to have guys in their late 30's.. I might be wrong.. but I think it's very improbable that you will have a long-term relationship with him.. but then I don't believe in long-term even for people the same age.. SO!!! go for it.. enjoy every second... life is too short.. Nevermind what people think... it's YOUR life.. and you're happy .. right? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 As soon as people hit their late twenties, there's more likely the chance that a large age gap relationship/marriage will work. It's when they're younger and continuously morphing at a rapid pace, where it becomes a major issue. As for 27 and 42, go for it, if you love each other and are at the same stage in your lives. If you want kids and he's already had them, this should be factored in. The oldest I've dated, was 9+ years older. Great guy but not the right one for me, regardless of age gap. Most often, it's been gaps of around 5 years. Link to post Share on other sites
morelaugh Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 I’m not totally against age-gap relationships, but I’m always concerned about the guy’s motives and intentions. Does he want a trophy wife? Why isn’t he with someone his own age? Will, in 10-15 years, he look to trade you for someone even younger? There are so many guys over 40 looking for something younger – it’s hard to respect a man who believes women his age are not worth looking at. Admittedly I might be influenced by my own situation – my mom married my dad when she was 25. He was 17 years older. It didn’t work. As for 27 and 42, go for it, if you love each other and are at the same stage in your lives. If you want kids and he's already had them, this should be factored in. That’s just it – they are not! The age difference is such that they never will be. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 11 years between my parents. Just celebrated 55 years together. Link to post Share on other sites
redsoxfan84 Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 My husband and I have a 13 year age difference. It's never posed a problem between us. I don't think it should be an issue if you love him and feel that you can spend your life with him. If the only problem you have with him is his age, I don't think it should matter. It's not something he can change. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 Hi......I am 27 years old and planning to marry a guy who is significantly older than me? What do you all say.. When you are 40 and still fairly young looking, you will look at your husband and think you are married to your grandfather when he has a wrinkly, saggy butt. Once he starts getting a subscription to AARP, it won't be pretty. Link to post Share on other sites
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 What most of the naysayers are talking about are all preferences. Superficial limitations that the mind creates to find viable partners and/or mates. In the end, if your happy or not, if you find him attractive or not, if you two work out or not... It all has to deal with how YOU TWO handle yourselves. How well you two work towards being one of mind, body, and spirit. I hear a lot about looks and sex, for all people know, you are not a highly sexual being. And most people as they grow together rarely see the flaws or imperfections, they only see the person the feel in love with all those years ago. In the US, divorce is like 65% at this time and many people are on their third marriage. This how cheap we treat love, the vows, and each other. Age, race, likes/dislikes, financial status, height, weight, etc. all these things are just limiters. Limiters are NOT a bad thing, but they are individualistic and should be treated as such and the only concern we should have is if they are really going to love each other and treat each other with respect and honor. So, if you are sure you are ready to work on this marriage, you give it all you got girl. God's blessings to you and the lucky man. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Please, lets not use celebrities as a baramoter for our real lives. If Micheal Douglas was your average joe, taking away the money and power, he never would have scored Catherine Zeta Jones. Even taking away her money and power as well. There is 15 years between my parents. My mother is a young 50 year old and my father is at 65, an old man. She still wants to do things, he doesn't. She loves my father but she always tells me that she hopes I marry someone closer to my age..words of experience. When he was younger, it was find, he looked younger then his years. But time has caught up with my dad, like it will for all of us, and in this time in their life, there is a life incompatiblity sometimes when she wants to do things and he doesn't. There are pluses and minuses to every situations. To marrying older and marrying younger. That's my only point here. People will say it's great and people will say it's not and the truth is, there are good and bad things when marrying someone with a significant age of being older or younger then yourself. Being concerned with age isn't superficial and age isn't just a number. If it was, we wouldn't be having this topic. Link to post Share on other sites
Frances Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 My mother inlaw was very upset when her daughter married a man 11 years her senior even though she herself was 12 years younger than her husband. I now see my sister in law struggling to look after her husband when she would like to be enjoying her life now that her children are older. Perhaps my mother in law knew something from her experience afterall. Why is it that if the age gap was the woman being 15 years older most people would not recommend a couple to marry? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 My father is 16 years older than my stepmother and they have now been married over 27 years (she was only 24 when they married). It can work but I should add that my stepmother was "old" for her age in attitude. She knows this and would agree that in some ways her attitudes at 24 were closer to those of someone in their forties. I also know that whilst my father was clear from the beginning that he did not want more children (2 from his first marriage) and that she was initially OK with this, she did eventually want children but had to accept it was not going to happen - it was a tough time for them both. You need to be clear on what you both want in life now and in the future. To me, it's not potential health issues that may be the problem, but the differing interests and friends plus whether to have children or not. It can work if it is right for you. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 Is he rich, healthy, looking good for his age, and can still hack it in the sack? If so then go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 Please, lets not use celebrities as a baramoter for our real lives. If Micheal Douglas was your average joe, taking away the money and power, he never would have scored Catherine Zeta Jones. Even taking away her money and power as well. This is just incorrect. One of my friends is 45 and less good-looking than Michael Douglas, he has little money and no power. He regularly sleeps with 18-25 year olds, usually dating 2 or 3 at the same time. Personality can go a long way. Link to post Share on other sites
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