Never thought I would be the 'Other Man'

[mrmatt]

Hi all,

 

I've been lurking here a while and I'm not in a good place.

I was married 17 years when my wife had an affair. Our marriage had been in trouble a long time, but the affair was the catalyst for change it seems. Like many a betrayed spouse, I went into full overdrive trying to save the marriage. I was a mess. I thought I might die. It was so odd that even though our marriage was horrible, I was so desperate to save it. Sadly, she wanted no part of fixing the marriage. I believe she had checked out of the marriage long before the affair. So we separated with a divorce in the works.

 

Shortly after separation I discovered a chat room for betrayed spouses and started talking to a woman there who had gone through the same thing with her husband. Nothing romantic, just sharing experiences and supporting each other with the hard times. I can't even describe how it went from friends to romance but I was elated. I don't remember if she told me this or whether I wanted it to be true, but I *thought* she was in the process of a divorce too. Turns out she was not. We spent every second we could on the phone, IM, texts, emails. Quite a whirlwind romance. She said things to me and made me feel a way that I thought I could never feel.

 

This spring, I had a business trip that brought me within a few hours of her so we arranged to meet. We got a hotel room for a few nights and spent every second we could together. Even before going there, I knew I was in love with this woman. The weekend made those feelings even more powerful as you might imagine.

 

She had made it clear that she was going to file for divorce and we could be together. Without all the gory details, she made some excuses why she couldn't file yet, but when those things came to pass, she could file. Needless to say, she did not file. I'm so far into this woman at this point that I keep believing she is going to file, and that she really loves me too.

 

Now, fast forward closer to the present. We planned a second meeting and I flew out and met her at Cape Cod for the weekend. She had promised me that the night she returned from the Cape, she would tell her husband that she wanted a divorce. At this point, he still didn't know she was in an affair with me. She was supposed to have a friend come with her to the Cape as a 'girl weekend' but the friend backed out and she came anyway. Her husband went nuts and was calling her every few minutes as he knew something was up. He ended up pressuring the friend and eventually she cracked and told him about us.

 

I pretty much knew that the cover was going to be blown with this weekend, but really didn't care as I had so much belief that she would tell him she wanted a divorce. They did have a long conversation that I overheard as she was right next to me. She told him she was going to move out, but didn't use the word divorce. I still didn't care, I knew that if she moved out, that would be enough assurance for me that she was serious in what she was going to do.

 

Well, the weekend ended, and she did not move out. Instead, now she says she's feeling so guilty that she feels like she needs to 'fix' everyone before she moves out or files for divorce. I think she really believes what she's saying, but this is just another excuse to stay right where she is. Her husband is of course trying to do everything he can to save the marriage, but she still insists (to me), that it's all too far gone.

 

I sent her a letter yesterday that we cannot talk until she moves out so that we can continue/start our lives. I struggle because I love this woman, and while I was in the middle of my divorce, she was always there for me. And although technically she's not in her divorce, I feel as though I've abandoned her.

 

I'm feeling WAY low. I should be working right now, but instead, I'm reading posts and trying to figure out what to do with my life.

 

It's not supposed to be like this. My wife and I split, I find someone who I really think is the person I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with and now this...

[2sure]

This is a kick to the gut.

 

There is recent thread on here titled Revenge Affairs. Your situation may be one of these - even if unconsciously. Not for you I dont think , but for the woman. Affairs always seem to start innocently enough, a friendship, common interests, confiding, etc. But there are posters here who point out that an Affair is a choice, a decision.

 

As to the revenge affair theory. Hmm. I have to admit, after I caught my husband cheating...I thought about it. I wondered how the excitement could be worth the risk. I wondered how it made him feel. I felt I wanted him to be my victim instead of the other way around. Anyway, I cast the ideas from my head.

 

But do you know that several months later I ran into an ex and agreed to a lunch date. And because he was an ex, knowing my H would not approve, I didnt tell him. And I went. And I enjoyed myself. I have felt terrible about it ever since. I still cant believe how much my confused feelings affected me. I almost made an opening that would have cracked my marriage.

 

Do you see what I'm getting at here?

[LakesideDream]

Hi all,

 

I've been lurking here a while and I'm not in a good place.

I was married 17 years when my wife had an affair. Our marriage had been in trouble a long time, but the affair was the catalyst for change it seems. Like many a betrayed spouse, I went into full overdrive trying to save the marriage. I was a mess. I thought I might die. It was so odd that even though our marriage was horrible, I was so desperate to save it. Sadly, she wanted no part of fixing the marriage. I believe she had checked out of the marriage long before the affair. So we separated with a divorce in the works.

 

Shortly after separation I discovered a chat room for betrayed spouses and started talking to a woman there who had gone through the same thing with her husband. Nothing romantic, just sharing experiences and supporting each other with the hard times. I can't even describe how it went from friends to romance but I was elated. I don't remember if she told me this or whether I wanted it to be true, but I *thought* she was in the process of a divorce too. Turns out she was not. We spent every second we could on the phone, IM, texts, emails. Quite a whirlwind romance. She said things to me and made me feel a way that I thought I could never feel.

 

This spring, I had a business trip that brought me within a few hours of her so we arranged to meet. We got a hotel room for a few nights and spent every second we could together. Even before going there, I knew I was in love with this woman. The weekend made those feelings even more powerful as you might imagine.

 

She had made it clear that she was going to file for divorce and we could be together. Without all the gory details, she made some excuses why she couldn't file yet, but when those things came to pass, she could file. Needless to say, she did not file. I'm so far into this woman at this point that I keep believing she is going to file, and that she really loves me too.

 

Now, fast forward closer to the present. We planned a second meeting and I flew out and met her at Cape Cod for the weekend. She had promised me that the night she returned from the Cape, she would tell her husband that she wanted a divorce. At this point, he still didn't know she was in an affair with me. She was supposed to have a friend come with her to the Cape as a 'girl weekend' but the friend backed out and she came anyway. Her husband went nuts and was calling her every few minutes as he knew something was up. He ended up pressuring the friend and eventually she cracked and told him about us.

 

I pretty much knew that the cover was going to be blown with this weekend, but really didn't care as I had so much belief that she would tell him she wanted a divorce. They did have a long conversation that I overheard as she was right next to me. She told him she was going to move out, but didn't use the word divorce. I still didn't care, I knew that if she moved out, that would be enough assurance for me that she was serious in what she was going to do.

 

Well, the weekend ended, and she did not move out. Instead, now she says she's feeling so guilty that she feels like she needs to 'fix' everyone before she moves out or files for divorce. I think she really believes what she's saying, but this is just another excuse to stay right where she is. Her husband is of course trying to do everything he can to save the marriage, but she still insists (to me), that it's all too far gone.

 

I sent her a letter yesterday that we cannot talk until she moves out so that we can continue/start our lives. I struggle because I love this woman, and while I was in the middle of my divorce, she was always there for me. And although technically she's not in her divorce, I feel as though I've abandoned her.

 

I'm feeling WAY low. I should be working right now, but instead, I'm reading posts and trying to figure out what to do with my life.

 

It's not supposed to be like this. My wife and I split, I find someone who I really think is the person I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with and now this...

 

 

Matt, where to start eh? First, don't beat yourself up. Don't take responsibility for HER actions. Be true to yourself.

 

Being true to yourself can take many roads. While it felt good for you to give your MW the "ultimatum" when you did it, how does it feel now? You know the agnst her husband is feeling. Getting "busted" like you did was traumatic for everyone involved including you.

 

You are still so close to the pain you felt (are still feeling) when your marriage blew up that by any sensible standard you shouldn't be getting involved with another woman. Married or not. Of course, I say that from experiance I did the same thing over seven years ago now. My affair with an MW sputted to a near halt, and has never ended. If you want to get really scared, read some of my posts, one has thousands of entries, and has been running nearly a year.

 

In a perfect world, you will be able to draw back and get some freedom from what you are experiancing. You will be able to allow your mind to clear before making your next series of serious decisions. Alas this isn't a perfect world. Like most of us you will be battered from pillar to post reaching desperately for whatever happiness, or shelter you can find from the pain in your heart, and the ache in your gut.

 

Try and keep in mind the agnst and pain your MW's husband is feeling. Try hard. I didn't try at all, and I regret that, ever so slightly. In fact, I'm still willing to ravage him to get what I want/need/love. Maybe you are a better man than I.

 

I can do more than wish you luck and advise you caution and patience. The days with become weeks, months and years before you feel it. Try not to make snap decisions. I know how desperate you are to fell like a winner again, to feel worthwhile and powerful, and of course loved and respected. With a little good luck, you will feel that way again.

 

Wow, that was an early morning ramble....

[Dominique]

Stamp-Doodly, are you there?

 

 

Mr. Matt, this is a difficult story and I read what you have written here, with great compassion.

 

We have on this board a gent, "Stampdaddy" who, already divorced, got involved with a married woman in whom he fell very deeply in love and only recently--four years later--got out of the situation, his heart in pieces. (I am not speaking for him, just summing up the story here).

 

She too was full of promises, excuses, would-be timelines.

 

I urge you to look at his threads, if possible. He is intelligent, well-spoken like you.

 

As everyone here will most likely tell you, you HAVE to draw a line in the sand so to speak. You must demand change to get change. It will not be easy and you will slip up. But you must pull back severely, and protect yourself. It is the only way to see if she will be true to her word

 

DOM

[mrmatt]

We have on this board a gent, "Stampdaddy" who, already divorced, got involved with a married woman in whom he fell very deeply in love and only recently--four years later--got out of the situation, his heart in pieces. (I am not speaking for him, just summing up the story here).

 

I've read many of his posts, and feel like we might be brothers. Since sending her the email this morning, she responded to the first email saying she loves me more for doing that, and that she needs the space and time to do what she needs to do (or not do). Then, she sent another email about 10 minutes later saying she was near a panic attack last night and wanted to call me, but didn't. Then another asking me how my counseling session went last night (I just started seeing a counselor). Then, about 30 minutes ago, she IMd me again about the counseling session.

 

I did not respond to any of the communications. I think I'm going to die.

 

Do I really, in my gut believe she will leave her husband...no. But WHY, oh GOD WHY are these feeling so intense for her?

 

I just know she won't respect my NC request and it's killing me.

[2sure]

You are heart broken. And anticipating, probably correctly, to become even more so. It hurts. A Physical pain, I know. And the fear of waking up with that Pain and going to sleep with that Pain. Disabling. We know.

 

And no cure. Only cliches.

 

You will find advice here on how to handle NC , and the Pain, how to move on.

 

Maybe right now it helps a little to know that there are those of us out there who understand your current pain.

[stampdaddy]

Matt...

 

Stay with it man.. Stick it out.. You can do it.. Just wait for her. Believe in her.. She loves you.. She'll do ANYTHING to get to you..

 

no wait, what am I saying...??? She'll do ANYTHING to save her ass, including throwing yours under the bus..

 

I feel for you Matt.. and I am here for you...

 

now that will be a $30 co-pay please...

[angryyoungman70]

Your story is eerily similar to my own. Just reading some of the posts in this section of the forum is giving me some clarity....Hope you can muster the strenght to make the right decision...it aint easy...as I have not been able to make that call yet either.

[stampdaddy]

"Well, the weekend ended, and she did not move out. Instead, now she says she's feeling so guilty that she feels like she needs to 'fix' everyone before she moves out or files for divorce. I think she really believes what she's saying, but this is just another excuse to stay right where she is. Her husband is of course trying to do everything he can to save the marriage, but she still insists (to me), that it's all too far gone."

Matt, THESE very words were said to me, over, and over and over.. along with a ton of others.. Like: "I PROMISE, we will never another Christmas like this, I have pack all of the ornaments separately.." "YES, I will marry you..", "we are just going to counselling so HE can see that the marriage isnt working...", etc, etc.....

 

Now, I am NOT one that buys into this whole one size fits all.. BUT, I am telling you I almost vomited after reading your quote above.. EXACT WORDS to me, "I need to "fix" things at home first... sure she does, FOR HER

[LakesideDream]

Matt...

 

Stay with it man.. Stick it out.. You can do it.. Just wait for her. Believe in her.. She loves you.. She'll do ANYTHING to get to you..

 

no wait, what am I saying...??? She'll do ANYTHING to save her ass, including throwing yours under the bus..

 

I feel for you Matt.. and I am here for you...

 

now that will be a $30 co-pay please...

 

 

Stampdufus! We have to be carefull with Matt. He's new to all this... not a scarred and battered veterans of the OM experiance. He still believes in and is following his heart.

 

He's letting her own him where it counts, emotionally. Unlike you and I who tell everyone who will listen how we have snatched back our personalities, and our manhood... and are well on the way to owning our personhood. (how PC and ridictulous eh?). Truth be told, neither of us are any less in love... we've just learned how to deal with the reality of our lives, and how to hide our empty hearts. Neither of us will stop hurting until our hearts are filled by our OW, or... someone new (still my beating heart)????

 

It's a long road often traveled.

[stampdaddy]

Stampdufus! We have to be carefull with Matt. He's new to all this... not a scarred and battered veterans of the OM experiance. He still believes in and is following his heart.

 

He's letting her own him where it counts, emotionally. Unlike you and I who tell everyone who will listen how we have snatched back our personalities, and our manhood... and are well on the way to owning our personhood. (how PC and ridictulous eh?). Truth be told, neither of us are any less in love... we've just learned how to deal with the reality of our lives, and how to hide our empty hearts. Neither of us will stop hurting until our hearts are filled by our OW, or... someone new (still my beating heart)????

 

It's a long road often traveled.

 

I hear ya LSD... But, I am SO raw to this and DO NOT want to see Matt here suffer like I did.. I would rather him be punched in the nose by us right now.. It is pretty clear what he needs to do, so listen up Matt!! Stop talking to her, and TELL HER TO NOT CONTACT YOU AT ALL.. tell her, if she loves you, to honor that.. Do you know how many times my MW "went home" to figure it out?? She NEVER went back "to him" per se, she just didnt ever "come to me".. 4 plus years dude.. You want that?? 4 years ago this month, right now, she "went home" for the first time.. I wish I had the opportunity that you do right now.. (well, I had it, I just didnt take it) Then the next year, several times the year after that, then Dday, then another Dday and a couple more... Sh*t!! how much closer could I have gotten? BUT, where is she still? And where am I now?? CLOSED TO HER FOREVER, that's where...

[whichwayisup]

Stampdufus!

 

That made me LOL for real.

 

I think Matt has been lurking and reading for a while, so he's ready to hear the harshness of his situation and get some blunt (caring) advice.

 

Matt, my suggestion is, put yourself first. Right now you have no control over what she does, thinks or says..All you can do is control your own reactions to her, because she WILL contact you again. She may ASK for NC, but she can't follow through on it. She's weak and having withdrawal, just as you are too.. STAY STRONG and come post here whenever you get the urge to contact her.

 

IF you slip, don't beat yourself up. You may have to slip afew times and get real pissed off, enough to finally say "f**k it" and walk away for good.

[Lookingforward]

Stamp...I have to say.. I read the OP on this thread just after it was posted, and thought OMG, this is SO much like what SD just went through.

 

I guess at least one thing, it let's others see that theirs isn't the "special thing" they think it is.

 

OP, at least you have "company" here that knows where you're at and what you're going through - you already KNOW what the reality is, just hang tough.

[stampdaddy]

where did the 'ol boy go?? MATT! where are you..? WORKING HARD I hope...

 

Stay focused on only what you CAN control, OK? It will do you no good at all spending the thousands of hours I did "speculating" on what is what, cause you just might never know... I still don't know, and yes, it is completely unbelievable.... Be stronger than I was.

 

Don't think with your heart, don't think with your head, don't think with your weiner bone.. Think with your foot, which should kick her to the curb and you in the rear only IF you start thinking with something else and continue contact...

[mrmatt]

where did the 'ol boy go?? MATT! where are you..? WORKING HARD I hope...

 

Stay focused on only what you CAN control, OK? It will do you no good at all spending the thousands of hours I did "speculating" on what is what, cause you just might never know... I still don't know, and yes, it is completely unbelievable.... Be stronger than I was.

 

Don't think with your heart, don't think with your head, don't think with your weiner bone.. Think with your foot, which should kick her to the curb and you in the rear only IF you start thinking with something else and continue contact...

 

I wish I were working hard, instead, I'm still reading other posts for hope, trying to find those 'love beat all' stories. Sadly, I'm not finding much there. I already slipped up and responded to some of her IMs. She's pissed because she 'was there' for me during my divorce, and I'm not there for her. I responded via email that I do feel as though I've abandoned her but that she is not in a divorce. I told her if she were in the divorce I would be right there.

 

So, my gut is telling me, as I try harder not to break NC, she is just going to get bitter and resentful, and it will all eventually end ugly. I never wanted that, she is perfect in my eyes right now. I think I would have rather had it end that way.

 

I guess in some ways it's fortunate that I live in TX and she lives in CT. I often wonder if we lived in closer proximity if she would have up and left. On my trip to the Cape I asked her to marry me. She said yes, we'd always talked about getting married, but I'd never said the words formally.

 

I guess I'm such a trusting, heart-on-my-sleeve kind of guy I never imagined that when someone says they are going to marry you that they just treat it like another day and go right back to where they were.

 

I suppose things at home aren't nearly as bad as the picture she wishes to paint.

 

As I write this, I keep glancing over at my IM contact list to see if she pops online.

 

I am a miserable pathetic wretch.

[stampdaddy]

Hey man... You'll be OK.. I'm a Texan too...

It does help that she lives across the country from you, mine lives 20 minutes away... But now, it does feel as she might as well live on another planet. I know what you are going through, and those feelings are less than a month old.. I didnt want to break my promises to her, that I would "be there" for her and would NOT let her fall.. But you know what, I did do EVERYTHING I could, and I didnt break my promises and I am still without the "love of my life"...

 

In regards to the "will you marry me's", they were never real.. a million "yesses" meant NOTHING.. the ONLY "yes" that means anything at this point is the one she gave her husband years ago. I know that stings, but YOU KNOW what I am saying there, Pardner..

 

It's not about "letting her go", it's about she has to get HER sh*t straight BY HERSELF... and she doesnt have it straight...

 

And as far as her husband goes, wanting to save the marriage.. Man, you REALLY need to read and re-read my posts about that.. There is NOTHING that you can do about that..

 

She is confused, no doubt, BUT DONT YOU FEEL SORRY FOR HER.. She is an adult and she can figure out what she needs to do BUT IT HAS TO BE WITHOUT YOU AND YOUR HOPE, Got it?!?!?!?

 

Hang in there doodler

[mrmatt]

Logic tells me that she will turn it on me, that I'm the jerk for not 'being there' for her when she needed me most. But, all I can see being there is so that she has a shoulder to cry on to make her stay easier, that with me comforting her she can endure another day in her marriage. I don't want that. I want her to miss me and want me. I'm afraid of the realization that she doesn't want me/us that badly but it is staring me in the face, huh?

 

I wonder what the rate of the MW leaving her H for the OM is compared to the MM leaving his W for the OW?

[mrmatt]

I guess you know what it feels like when I tell you that I can't even take in a full breath for the weight on my chest.

[stampdaddy]

I guess you know what it feels like when I tell you that I can't even take in a full breath for the weight on my chest.

 

yes, my friend, I do... But you gotta get control of it... You HAVE to... It's NOT the end of the world, and you don;t know how this will play out, but right now, you can't worry about that... Jesus man, I know... There would be a line of people from here to China of all the people that told me similar things, and I know you don't want to listen to any of it... Thanks OK too... I WOULD if I were you.. But that is up to you..

 

You are correct, you would only make it EASIER for her to stay. That is EXACTLY what I did. Again, she is a big girl, and she should be able to make HARD decisions on her own, but she WON'T if you are standing right there.. DOes she have kids? If so, how old?

 

Do you drink? If so, stop for a while.. It doesnt help.. Some people will tell you that she is more or less a "fantasy" right now, since she lives so far away, and that you really don't know her in the ways that you would/could if you were with her everyday.. I don't know what to say to that, I know you won't believe it anyway..

 

Just try you hardest to get control of YOURSELF, and let her go back to her life to get control of HERSELF.. It's the ONLY way

[mrmatt]

DOes she have kids? If so, how old?

 

Kids...5 of them from 18 down to 11 years old. I have 2 boys, 12 and 7.

I drink on occasion, maybe a wine cooler or two a week, sometimes I really need to knock off the edge.

 

Kids...yeah, even if it does 'work out' between she and I, will her kids ever accept me? I would assume not likely since their dad would be constantly telling them what a POS I am. My kids I know would totally love her.

[stampdaddy]

Kids...5 of them from 18 down to 11 years old. I have 2 boys, 12 and 7.

I drink on occasion, maybe a wine cooler or two a week, sometimes I really need to knock off the edge.

 

Kids...yeah, even if it does 'work out' between she and I, will her kids ever accept me? I would assume not likely since their dad would be constantly telling them what a POS I am. My kids I know would totally love her.

 

now how did ya'll figure to corral all of these chillens together, and have your life together anyway??

 

Wine coolers? and your a Texan?? shame shame.. Just kidding man..

[mrmatt]

now how did ya'll figure to corral all of these chillens together, and have your life together anyway??

 

Wine coolers? and your a Texan?? shame shame.. Just kidding man..

 

As absolutely crazy as it sounds, I would carry on a long distance relationship with her until we were able to be together. I was more concerned about taking it one step at a time...get her moved out, then worry about the next step of getting the divorce done.

 

Very orderly...of course life doesn't work like that.

[mrmatt]

God, I just want to go home and crawl in bed...auuugggghhhhh

[stampdaddy]

As absolutely crazy as it sounds, I would carry on a long distance relationship with her until we were able to be together. I was more concerned about taking it one step at a time...get her moved out, then worry about the next step of getting the divorce done.

 

Very orderly...of course life doesn't work like that.

 

OK Matt, you don't want to hear this but here goes.. I know you love this gal, but, c'mon... meet someone down there, you know how good lookin' those Texas girls are (yes I know it's more than looks...), but you WILL find someone to connect with that you can GROW with on a LOT more closer level.. BESIDES the "affair relationshp" and what supposedly comes from that, like you said, starting with her H. Then there is the distance, the emotional toll that WILL take.. The "thought" of her meeting someone else that could be more "hands on" that FIRST night she just can't be found (out with girlfriend, cell phone battery died, or phone fell in the toilet, or God forbid, a "trip with a girlfriend"). 3 weeks ago, I didnt think there would EVER be another "Sweet Girl" for me.. But 'ol Stampdaddy is in da House baby!!!

 

***that actually doesnt mean anything, but it sounded good.. I am still alone...

[mrmatt]

OK Matt, you don't want to hear this but here goes.. I know you love this gal, but, c'mon... meet someone down there, you know how good lookin' those Texas girls are (yes I know it's more than looks...), but you WILL find someone to connect with that you can GROW with on a LOT more closer level.. BESIDES the "affair relationshp" and what supposedly comes from that, like you said, starting with her H. Then there is the distance, the emotional toll that WILL take.. The "thought" of her meeting someone else that could be more "hands on" that FIRST night she just can't be found (out with girlfriend, cell phone battery died, or phone fell in the toilet, or God forbid, a "trip with a girlfriend"). 3 weeks ago, I didnt think there would EVER be another "Sweet Girl" for me.. But 'ol Stampdaddy is in da House baby!!!

 

***that actually doesnt mean anything, but it sounded good.. I am still alone...

 

Well, I believe I've started taking steps to get out of this, or at least formulate some kind of exit strategy.

 

• I've started counseling.
  
• I've put my profile back out on dating sites.
  
• I plan to start attending services regularly (I've been very off and on)
  
• I plan to start attending singles events locally.
  

I've never been a believer in those who say you need to be comfortable being alone. I've never been comfortable being alone. I don't WANT to be comfortable being alone. I felt like I was alone more than half my marriage. I'm DONE with that.

 

But I can confirm that NC has been TOTALLY blown for today. I guess I just start fresh tomorrow and go from there.