Never thought I would be the 'Other Man'

[Owl]

The Polka King is right... Small price for her to pay if she REALLY loves you and wants you.. a 3 day weekend to "re-connect"..

 

Polka King????

 

I haven't danced a Polka since my daddy died. He used to play "Roll Out the Barrell" on the accordian...

 

[stampdaddy]

Polka King????

 

I haven't danced a Polka since my daddy died. He used to play "Roll Out the Barrell" on the accordian...

 

 

go read my reply to you in the Water Cooler

[mrmatt]

That depends...will that responder still let the email land in your inbox?

 

NC means not receiving any contact from her.

 

Email=contact.

 

Ergo...nope, this won't work if you can still see her attempts at contact...see my previous post on how to let her back once she's divorced.

 

I think my criteria for letting her back into my life is not so absolute as others. If she files/moves out I think I will resume communications.

 

That's where my heart is today. Gimme a few weeks/months, I may not feel that way.

 

Just being honest.

[Owl]

If your criteria ISN'T that absolute...then plan on being sucked back into this affair over and over.

 

Just go ahead and plan on remaining the OM.

 

I have seen more instances than I can count on this board where the wayward spouse moved out to be with the OW/OM...and ended up tucking tail and running for home. Many times, this will happen REPEATEDLY.

 

We're not suggesting the things we have on a lark. Its not just to see how far we can make you go.

 

There are good reasons for all the suggestions you've received.

 

This stuff is seen over and over here, until it all looks like the same poorly written script...only the actors change.

 

If it makes you feel any better...your refusal to take the advice offered is all "script" too. I'd THOUGHT you started to deviate a little when you blocked her IM...but realistically, that's probably not even going to last through the weekend.

 

As I said before...you just haven't been hurt enough yet to really want to change the situation.

[mrmatt]

I'd THOUGHT you started to deviate a little when you blocked her IM...but realistically, that's probably not even going to last through the weekend.

 

Well, it will definitely last the weekend since she doesn't have IM or email at home, or on her phone . We haven't txt'd for a very long time now since her H looks at the bills.

[sadintexas]

Go ahead and block her from all access, but send her my fax number. When she has filed, she can fax me a copy of which I can verify its authenticity and let you know . All the other letters she faxes in an attempt to squeeze in through the only small space you have left, I will promptly shred and leave you none the wiser.

[InvisibleGirl]

I didnt read the entire post but I've read many of the IM exchanges. You should do some reading on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I too am involved with a MP and met him in a similar way that you did yours, on the internet. I've spoken with many people about my situation and it is much clearer for them to see the way I was manipulated that I can see for myself. I think that the MW here is just as much of a pathological liar as my MM. There are people in this world that are predators, I think that is what this woman was in your situation. She came to that chatroom looking to create the situation you are now in. Telling you exactly what you needed to hear so she could get the attention she was looking for, to these people attention is like a drug, the are addicts. These people have no emotion and know exactly how to manipulate people and can cry on command. I liken my MM to the Devil and I think thats who you're dealing with here too....

[mrmatt]

Go ahead and block her from all access, but send her my fax number. When she has filed, she can fax me a copy of which I can verify its authenticity and let you know . All the other letters she faxes in an attempt to squeeze in through the only small space you have left, I will promptly shred and leave you none the wiser.

 

Thanks sadintexas, I may take you up on that

Is your story anywhere on here? I couldn't find it.

[sadintexas]

I haven't posted my story here yet. I've been lurking for a while exploring ideas about my current situation which involves me being the OW. I've just recently started to post on threads that are of particular interest to me. I'm not ready to really post it because I'm not really sure how I feel about where I am or what I even want right now. I'm confused and trying to gain some insight through other's stories and situations.

 

I do post mostly about marriages because I had a bad, abusive marriage in which I was cheated on and endured tons of emotional and physical abuse (I know the dichotomy of having been a BS and now the OW, part of my confusion ~ maybe that's where I'll start ). That marriage ended a few years ago though.

[sadintexas]

I posted my story. Warning though, it's LOOONG. And now its after 4am so I am going to bed and try to shut my brain off. That was too much thinking at this hour! And now I get to look forward to getting reamed tomrrow by people who are going to think I am an absolute b***h.

[Dominique]

If your criteria ISN'T that absolute...then plan on being sucked back into this affair over and over.

 

Just go ahead and plan on remaining the OM.

 

I have seen more instances than I can count on this board where the wayward spouse moved out to be with the OW/OM...and ended up tucking tail and running for home. Many times, this will happen REPEATEDLY.

 

We're not suggesting the things we have on a lark. Its not just to see how far we can make you go.

 

There are good reasons for all the suggestions you've received.

 

This stuff is seen over and over here, until it all looks like the same poorly written script...only the actors change.

 

If it makes you feel any better...your refusal to take the advice offered is all "script" too. I'd THOUGHT you started to deviate a little when you blocked her IM...but realistically, that's probably not even going to last through the weekend.

 

As I said before...you just haven't been hurt enough yet to really want to change the situation.

 

It always comes down to this. It has to reach this each and every time before a person really takes true and final action. Why we have to mentally get to such extremes...who knows. But OWL is 100% on the mark here. For all situations.

 

DOM

[mrmatt]

As I said before...you just haven't been hurt enough yet to really want to change the situation.

 

This is likely true. I'm just not willing at this point to count us out. Some cases work out, and every relationship has to start somewhere. I'm sure I will continue to bash myself over the head, although I'm pretty sure I would not continue on like this for many more months or years.

 

I still have *basically* NC at this point since Thursday last.

 

The last thing I heard from her was an email thanking me for taking charge of the NC, and that she can only see this action making her act sooner.

 

Of course, I really want her to act and make the move to leave for HER own betterment, which in turn would be better for both of us, should we be meant to be.

 

I have a mental hard line right now I guess, is that if I see Jan. 1st come around, and she hasn't come around, then I won't be around

 

This will be a big test for her, to be sure, because I'm sure one of the big excuses is 'I don't want to file or leave during the holiday season.'.

[jj33]

Matt doing NC doesnt mean you have to count her out. It just means that you arent in the same dynamic. It allows a new dynamic to emerge where you are no longer the OM.

 

And dont forget in terms of contact you wont even be around between now and 1 January. You may still hold her in your heart but you wont be on her emails or the other end of a phone. That will speak volumes about how serious you are about your stance.

[mrmatt]

*** THIS IS A DREAM SEQUENCE ***

So...had this terrible dream last night. At first it was good, then turned awful.

In the dream, I had had ENOUGH of waiting, so I flew out to her, and drove to her house. Finding no one home, I broke in, and went to find her bedroom. I started packing her things, and was making progress when I heard a car pull up. It was her Hs car. I hid beside their bed and they both came in the house. All was relatively quiet and time passed. Eventually, H came upstairs and spotted me beside the bed. Instead of freaking out and attacking me, he just quietly said "I'm sorry Matt."

 

She called up something to him in a very loving tone, which left me a very sinking feeling that their relationship was not so bad after all. He was about to go tell her I was there when I asked him not to. I asked him to talk to her where I could hear the conversation. I asked him to say loving things to her to see how she would respond. It was killing me because she was very jovial, having a good time, and seemed they were both very loving toward each other.

 

I was sick, but knew I needed to hear it. I asked him to let me leave quietly and not let her know I was ever there, and that I would never contact her, nor return any of her contact attempts.

 

As you might imagine, I woke up very freaked out and unbelievably sad.

 

I hope that THAT dream, does not come true.

[Dominique]

Dreams are not just bits and pieces of nighttime fluff passing through our mind's eye. They are subconscious messages, the brain cleaning itself out as it were of the built up fears, anxieties, insecurities, desires, confusions, collected over the course of our waking hours. There are "good" dreams of course, wonderful pleasant dreams which mark a satisfied life or happy time in one's life. But your dream falls into the first category.

 

You are telling you something. You have had the sneaking suspicion that things are not so bad at the MWs or you fear they aren't so bad, and your mind is bringing this to the fore. Pay attention to the images and messages your own brain is telling you. You are your own best friend when you do.

 

DOM

[Reggie]

I agree with Owl. You've got yourself a very dishonest woman on your hands. Are you sure you want to be involved with someone that lies sa frequently and so easily?

[quankanne]

dude, your dream sounds like you've already accepted in your heart that she's never going to be yours for the taking – I think IG has a very valid point about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, based on some of the comments of hers that youv'e shared. Mostly, she needs someone to make miserable, and you're foolish enough to keep offering yourself up for torture. Fool, as in "I know what the ending is, but I'm going to hope against hope that I'm wrong, so I'll just go on living in La La Land until she comes 'round."

 

she is not going to come around.

 

her goal is to get you so tied up so she can feel good about having that kind fo power over you. And bless your heart, you fall for it each and every time.

 

I know it hurts when you love someone and they treat you bad. But you need realize the only reason she's doing this is because you're allowing her to stomp on your heart and play her mindfook games ... you're understandably susceptible because you have feelings for her, but it's time to say no more. No more treating me like shxt, no more yanking my heart around, YOU will have to prove yourself to ME for a good long time before I even THINK about letting you back IN.

 

it's much easier than you think, you just need to get pissed off enough to actually follow through ... because you deserve MUCH better than she is capable of giving you. Bless her evil little heart ...

 

a suggestion?

 

"SUBJECT: Your email has been rejected:

*** THIS IS AN AUTOMATED RESPONSE ***

I will not be accepting your email. Simply because I've seen the light: You, my dear, are a heartless, soul-sucking harpy incapable of offering OR being in a good, healthy, honest relationship, otherwise we wouldn't be at this impasse.

 

Do yourself a favor and cease all contact with me, because you've rendered yourself a non-entity.

 

Have a nice life!

Matt

[stampdaddy]

dude, your dream sounds like you've already accepted in your heart that she's never going to be yours for the taking – I think IG has a very valid point about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, based on some of the comments of hers that youv'e shared. Mostly, she needs someone to make miserable, and you're foolish enough to keep offering yourself up for torture. Fool, as in "I know what the ending is, but I'm going to hope against hope that I'm wrong, so I'll just go on living in La La Land until she comes 'round."

 

she is not going to come around.

 

her goal is to get you so tied up so she can feel good about having that kind fo power over you. And bless your heart, you fall for it each and every time.

 

I know it hurts when you love someone and they treat you bad. But you need realize the only reason she's doing this is because you're allowing her to stomp on your heart and play her mindfook games ... you're understandably susceptible because you have feelings for her, but it's time to say no more. No more treating me like shxt, no more yanking my heart around, YOU will have to prove yourself to ME for a good long time before I even THINK about letting you back IN.

 

it's much easier than you think, you just need to get pissed off enough to actually follow through ... because you deserve MUCH better than she is capable of giving you. Bless her evil little heart ...

 

a suggestion?

 

"SUBJECT: Your email has been rejected:

*** THIS IS AN AUTOMATED RESPONSE ***

I will not be accepting your email. Simply because I've seen the light: You, my dear, are a heartless, soul-sucking harpy incapable of offering OR being in a good, healthy, honest relationship, otherwise we wouldn't be at this impasse.

 

Do yourself a favor and cease all contact with me, because you've rendered yourself a non-entity.

 

Have a nice life!

Matt

 

Harpy?? I like it, but what is it?? Hook Em!!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Even before going there, I knew I was in love with this woman.

 

Enough said!

 

You in no way were "in love with" the woman.

 

This was your game, during your difficult time in life, and she was just a could-be mythical figure represented by a box. The mythical figure was responsive at such time as when you showed uncharacteristic vulnerability that you wouldn't dare show the wife you once supposedly loved. That in itself does not qualify for "in love with" (a figure represented by a box).

 

Furthermore, most of the mythical figure is and has always been of your creation. Unless you first allow someone to evolve independently and cease to be 99% like all other mythical figures in the same box, you cannot possibly be "in love with" said mythical figure.

 

On the positive side, the mythical figure did inspire you to break away from a relationship that wasn't working, so as to free yourself to seek a new and thriving relationship in the near future.

 

As for now, forget the mythical figure who remains mostly of your own creation (regardless of whether you saw her driver's license, her physical form, and her cervix).

 

The most difficult part is behind you now... for the good prospective mates are never looking for you within the bounds of somebody else's marriage.

[Reggie]

The above post is really spot on.

[sadintexas]

So Matt, how are you today? And thanks for your support on my story thread.

[mrmatt]

So Matt, how are you today? And thanks for your support on my story thread.

 

SIT, I'm doing ok today....boy oh boy there sure are some angry people in these forums...

 

I guess I'm just not as angry looking at my situation as those who have gone through it and are looking at my/our situations and reliving some of those unpleasant memories.

[mrmatt]

For those who have read my thread, is it an OK thing to go ahead and date now to try to get out of this thing?

 

I had a nice date tonight, and feel pretty good.

[sadintexas]

I think you should date if the mood so strikes you. Glad you had a good one tonight!

[mrmatt]

I think you should date if the mood so strikes you. Glad you had a good one tonight!

 

Not a 'love connection', but gave a much needed boost to the ole self esteem.