Never thought I would be the 'Other Man'

[stampdaddy]

Well, I believe I've started taking steps to get out of this, or at least formulate some kind of exit strategy.

 

• I've started counseling.
  
• I've put my profile back out on dating sites.
  
• I plan to start attending services regularly (I've been very off and on)
  
• I plan to start attending singles events locally.
  

I've never been a believer in those who say you need to be comfortable being alone. I've never been comfortable being alone. I don't WANT to be comfortable being alone. I felt like I was alone more than half my marriage. I'm DONE with that.

 

But I can confirm that NC has been TOTALLY blown for today. I guess I just start fresh tomorrow and go from there.

 

SLOW DOWN there Tex! you seem desparate.. How about pouring yourself into your children for a while.. Snuggle up on a Friday night with TEHM and watch a movie.. Teach your boys how to cook.. Let them each have a certain night, or every other night, Taco Tuesday or something.. (I dont know how your custody is). DON'T look at as "being comfortable being alone", cause youre NOT alone.. You have to little Angels there.. The rest WILL TAKE CARE OF ITSELF.. Do they play sports or do anything?

May I ask, what part of Texas are you from?

[mrmatt]

SLOW DOWN there Tex! you seem desparate.. How about pouring yourself into your children for a while.. Snuggle up on a Friday night with TEHM and watch a movie.. Teach your boys how to cook.. Let them each have a certain night, or every other night, Taco Tuesday or something.. (I dont know how your custody is). DON'T look at as "being comfortable being alone", cause youre NOT alone.. You have to little Angels there.. The rest WILL TAKE CARE OF ITSELF.. Do they play sports or do anything?

May I ask, what part of Texas are you from?

 

I won't lie and say I'm not in many ways desperate. I miss companionship. I have my kids every Thursday night overnight, and every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends of the month from Thursday after school till school Monday morning. That's much of the problem. I NEEEEEEED them. I have been relegated to being a part time dad, and NOT by my own choice. When I have them, my time is 100% consumed with them and I cherish that time. Fortunately my relationship with my ex is not so jaded that me getting time with the boys is restricted. She, for the most part, does not restrict my time with them.

 

I am north of Dallas...you?

[stampdaddy]

I won't lie and say I'm not in many ways desperate. I miss companionship. I have my kids every Thursday night overnight, and every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends of the month from Thursday after school till school Monday morning. That's much of the problem. I NEEEEEEED them. I have been relegated to being a part time dad, and NOT by my own choice. When I have them, my time is 100% consumed with them and I cherish that time. Fortunately my relationship with my ex is not so jaded that me getting time with the boys is restricted. She, for the most part, does not restrict my time with them.

 

I am north of Dallas...you?

 

Well, I married a St Louis gal, and got drug up here.. I stay here because of my children obviously (although I try to sneak out and come home frequently). I am from Dallas (Richardson/Plano).

 

You probably spend MORE time with your children, being FOCUSED on them than in the past, which didnt mean you werent focused on them before, just a little more acute now.. How about this?: call them tonight and make a "menu" for Thursday night.. Have them be your "Soux Chefs" and you all make whatever they want.. Have THEM be your date night.. This WILL work and it WILL put your focus where it needs to be, and bask in it.. IF "she" comes to mind, tell yourself just how much fun you are having with them, and remind yourself that no matter what the situation was with her, YOU CAN NOT DO THAT WITH HER.. Do it with them.. And one day sooner than you think, you will be doing it with a local girl on Wednesdays....

[mrmatt]

Well, I married a St Louis gal, and got drug up here.. I stay here because of my children obviously (although I try to sneak out and come home frequently). I am from Dallas (Richardson/Plano).

 

You probably spend MORE time with your children, being FOCUSED on them than in the past, which didnt mean you werent focused on them before, just a little more acute now.. How about this?: call them tonight and make a "menu" for Thursday night.. Have them be your "Soux Chefs" and you all make whatever they want.. Have THEM be your date night.. This WILL work and it WILL put your focus where it needs to be, and bask in it.. IF "she" comes to mind, tell yourself just how much fun you are having with them, and remind yourself that no matter what the situation was with her, YOU CAN NOT DO THAT WITH HER.. Do it with them.. And one day sooner than you think, you will be doing it with a local girl on Wednesdays....

 

In a way I do get more time with them now since when my M was in the shambles I worked more to avoid being around the W. Nothing can replace the tucking in at night though that I used to have, that kills me.

 

I'm typing this in Richardson as we speak , grew up in Kansas City, never liked St. L.

[stampdaddy]

In a way I do get more time with them now since when my M was in the shambles I worked more to avoid being around the W. Nothing can replace the tucking in at night though that I used to have, that kills me.

 

I'm typing this in Richardson as we speak , grew up in Kansas City, never liked St. L.

 

GO EAGLES!!! oh, and I'd kill for some Pappadeaux!!!

 

The "tucking in" can be replaced with a million things more special, just turn your focus around. The more you focus on what you "used to have" versus what you CAN and WILL have, the harder and longer it will take.

 

(yes WWIU, harder and longer...)

 

You are close, man, just stay focused and determined. Sh*t, Dallas women are the best anyway, and that accent? grrrrrrrrrrrr

who wants a Bostonish accent anyway...

[sadintexas]

Pappadeaux's rocks and I'm going to have it for lunch tomorrow! Crawfish bisque to start and then who knows. Probably shrimp. I think I could eat my weight in shrimp, regardless of how it's prepared. Anyway, just wanted to say "hi" to fellow Texans.

 

I haven't posted my story yet, but I'm the OW and I have learned that leaving or staying is a decision they have to make on their own. I know about "drawing a line in the sand" but that line was a line for myself, knowing how far I would go before I got out.

 

I personally think you did the right thing by telling her that you would support her through a divorce, but not during this time when she needs to make her decision. That does not constitute abandonment in my opinion. It is only fair to you both to take the time you need to make the right decisions. If she has any intentions of leaving, you being absent while that decision is being made is pretty important considering what she's done in the past.

 

My point is, what you did is fair and right for both of you. Don't let her twist that fact into making you feel guilty, or even you feeling guilty about it all by yourself. If she does love you, this distance will help her realize that. If that's ultimately not what happens, in the mean time, you are working on YOU and getting your life back together.

[stampdaddy]

Pappadeaux's rocks and I'm going to have it for lunch tomorrow! Crawfish bisque to start and then who knows. Probably shrimp. I think I could eat my weight in shrimp, regardless of how it's prepared. Anyway, just wanted to say "hi" to fellow Texans.

 

well then, hop on over to the "Water Cooler" section and check out the post under my pen name, "Shrimpdaddy" for so Shrimp recipes....

 

Matty, how you doing today?? How did you fair yesterday afternoon? You disappeared on me...

[mrmatt]

Got this email from her this morning. I haven't responded. My fingers are itching to.

 

Good Morning

 

I want to clarify a few things. First, I will start with why I said "shut up". You said you didn't want to be second. That infuriated me. You are first in my heart, and although that may not be good enough for you, it was what matters to me.

 

That weekend, again, I knew I was going to get caught. Do you realize what it takes to do that. Knowing how he was going to react and leaving my kids there. That was a huge step for me, whether you realize it or not. I put you first. I put us first. And even with all the chaos and phone calls we received, I remained calm, so that we could still enjoy what time we had together. I realize you want more Matt. I know that. What I didn't know was what a person goes through emotionally once they are caught. It's all new to me. Something perhaps you will never experience. I feel I let my kids down. I have to go through that. And since you want more, you decided you can't deal with this. I do feel abandoned. I understand why you are doing this, I really do. However, I feel abandoned.

 

Problem is, I know me. It's a trigger for me. I will talk myself right into thinking "you don't need him anyways, rely on yourself". And I will start to get more angry and push you away whether it is right or wrong.

[stampdaddy]

Got this email from her this morning. I haven't responded. My fingers are itching to.

 

Listen to me Matt..

 

this is too eerie, the WORDS are the same. EXACTLY the same:

"I have thrown my marriage under a bus for us.. YOU are the love of my life. YOU are my joy. YOU are my future. I want to grow old with YOU. I love YOU. etc....."

 

Where is my MW, Matt??

[Owl]

I've not posted to your thread, but read through it.

 

I'm betting that SD got a very, very, very similar letter from his MW at one point too. The first time she was caught is my guess.

 

What you need to realize is that she's fighting to maintain the status quo. She's fighting to keep BOTH you and her husband at the same time. She's not fighting 'for us'...she's fighting to do damage control and to keep things exactly where they've been.

 

She's not going to leave him. She's in love with him, just as she's in love with you.

 

What she's REALLY in love with is having her needs met by BOTH of you...and the sheer ego feed of having two men striving to keep her.

 

What you need to do is simple...its not easy...but it IS simple.

 

Walk away.

 

Let her face her own consequences. Let her work on her marriage, or work on her divorce as she chooses to do.

 

Work on recovering yourself FIRST and FOREMOST.

 

Send a reply back to her email simply saying "NC means no contact. That's where we're at now. Please honor that and do not contact me again.".

 

Then change/close that email account.

 

I know it sounds harsh...but trust me...and ask SD if I'm speaking the truth here...but if you don't...you're going to find yourself doing the same thing that Stamp has been doing...he's been falling in and out of the affair for the last YEAR.

 

Read that as: He's been MISERABLE for the last year.

 

He's just now getting into the first steps of truly healing.

 

He could have been here months ago.

 

He can speak to you from experience on this.

 

END IT NOW. PREVENT FURTHER CONTACT WITH HER NOW.

 

You'll heal much faster for it.

 

Again...I'm well known here as a "BS" (betrayed spouse)...but I don't offer advice solely from that vantage point. SD has a good handle on this now...see what he says.

[Owl]

Listen to me Matt..

 

this is too eerie, the WORDS are the same. EXACTLY the same:

"I have thrown my marriage under a bus for us.. YOU are the love of my life. YOU are my joy. YOU are my future. I want to grow old with YOU. I love YOU. etc....."

 

Where is my MW, Matt??

 

Wow...you posted this as I was typing up a response suggesting you likely go the same thing...LOL!!

[stampdaddy]

In my case, I am sure I stayed too long in it witrh her. And, it kept her there... Shen never had to feel what life was like without me, and H didnt give her the boot. Sure, she left the house a couple of times, and came to me, but where did she return? Just 2 months ago or so, at 6:30 on a Sunday morning, she came here, because H told her his plan of Divorce. But, she returned and on that same day, after telling me to "get ready", she told him that she didnt want to divorce, that she wanted to "work on it", and swore to him that she hadnt seen me, talked to me, or even thought about me.. AFTER leaving MY BED!! Well, he knows it was a lie, but somehow, she is still there..

 

I know what your heart is going through right now, but ask yourself this: Do you want to go through it for another couple of years?? Cause you will, UNLESS, you take care of yourself and your kids and let her get her sh*t together ON HER OWN. You are NOT abandoning her at all, you are setting her free to make up her own mind and come to her own decisions. In the, this is better, because if you stay, she will stay. And if her H gives her the boot, she will end up resenting YOU

[Owl]

Tell her that you'll be glad to see her...when the divorce is final. When she's TRULY free to be yours, and NOBODY else's.

[mrmatt]

Why does my mind tell me that if I cut her off, that I will lose her forever, when my mind already knows that I was likely going to never have her at all? She IMd me, and stupidly, I responded.

 

Her: funny how even in something like this you shift from one feeling to the next, anger, sadness, peace, resentment, all a rollercoaster ride also. Your heart tells you one thing, and your head tells you another. Knowing the best thing is to just remain calm and silent. Otherwise you may say things you regret saying. Which I can say so far I haven't had a regret.

And yes I am on here because I want to feel you, but by the end of the day I am sure that will change.

ONE thing I forgot to add in the email. Something I realized this morning. You are the only one on that website who divorced your spouse immediately.

There is not one male or female on there, that did that

not one

just you

I am wondering what that says about you

I will figure it out

I have my thoughts

 

me: you already know that she was the one who initiated the divorce

 

Her: but she would have never filed

ever

usually people wait

 

me: she did file before me

 

Her: hmmmm, didnt realize that

then why did you file also

 

me: her atty screwed up the paperwork, and i didn't find that out until i filed

you HAVE to counter-file

that's the way divorce works

 

Her: i remember you saying you filed

 

me: I did

 

Her: doesn't matter i guess

just happened so fast

 

me: yes, it did

it was not my choice

but you'll think what you want, and it will probably be easier for you to move on by making me out to be a bad guy...i can understand that...it's just something i'll have to risk I guess

 

Her: nope, nothing about being the bad guy

thats just you getting defensive

not trying to make you out to be a bad guy

here is what i was thinking, just listen for a sec

I believe, and I may be wrong, that when you do not get something you want, you get very impatient

almost in a controlling sense

your way or no way

you do fluctuate

but at the core, you get frustrated easily

I'm not talking about your marriage

you stuck that one out

just like I did

I'm talking about you as a person in general

 

me: i don't think i agree with that

i'm just trying to use my head on this one

if you leave him, and file, and you still have feelings for me, then great

if not, and you try to dive back in and make your marriage work, also good

 

Her: my mind is playing tricks with me

it's telling me to say "screw matt" he is leaving you

you can't rely on him

you can't rely on people

that person always wins

it's starting to

 

me: but where we are now...back to the 'i don't know when' stage is just not fair to anyone

i'm sorry that's what you feel

what i'm TRYING to do is PRESERVE what I do feel for you

 

Her: i see this situation as 50/50

but it was ok to do me at the cape

and now that i got caught

see ya later

 

me: you attacking me, and trying to turn this on me wont make matters better

no that's not it we had a plan...and we were able to actually work on our relationship with that plan in mind

 

Her: what because if i dont do things like you would do it, you will lose respect for me

tough

 

me: i'm sorry...i wish there was a way for you to see it my way too

I'M DYING too

 

Her: and for you to see it my way

 

Her: like i'm not dying

i stay up all night

never sleep

sick tomy stomach

missing you

 

me: i believe that

i really do

i KNOW you love me

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, why did she wait to be caught? If she truly loves you and wanted (wants) to be with you, why on earth has she let the affair continue? See, SHE has handled this badly. She COULD have and SHOULD have told her husband that she's unhappy in the marriage and wants a divorce. But no, just like SD's MW, they wait till they're caught and then can't leave afterall. Maybe getting caught woke her up, brought feelings back that she didn't know she still had for her H - Or maybe she just doesn't want to be the bad guy, be the one to end the marriage, so getting caught kind of takes that away from making the decision.

[whichwayisup]

Oh and I see she IS making you out to be the bad guy...

 

You're going to do what you're going to do, but sooner or later you'll realize that talking to her right now is only going to mess you up. She is in desparation mode and will say 'anything' to get you off her back and she's going to do the same at home with her husband.

 

I mean, has she TOLD him that she is infact in love with you, wants to start a life with you? Has she told him the truth? Confessed it all? Or IS she having second thoughts, realizing that life won't be the same anymore so she's re-thinking about staying married?

[mrmatt]

The thing is, why did she wait to be caught? If she truly loves you and wanted (wants) to be with you, why on earth has she let the affair continue? See, SHE has handled this badly. She COULD have and SHOULD have told her husband that she's unhappy in the marriage and wants a divorce. But no, just like SD's MW, they wait till they're caught and then can't leave afterall. Maybe getting caught woke her up, brought feelings back that she didn't know she still had for her H - Or maybe she just doesn't want to be the bad guy, be the one to end the marriage, so getting caught kind of takes that away from making the decision.

 

My wife's affair I believe was an 'exit' affair. She didn't have the guts to file, and couldn't connect with me about her happiness. The affair ensued, I found out and she thought I would immediately file. I didn't file, but eventually the divorce happened anyway. My wife wanted to get caught, and she did.

[stampdaddy]

Matt!

 

again, this is REALLY starting to freak me out.. This GUILT thing, I still havent figured it out. I was told the same thing: That things werent going MY way... what happened to OUR way? 4 years Matt, of it not going MY way. why is that?

Her shot at you about "doing HER" at the Cape? What happened to "making love TOGETHER?"

Her telling you it's "your way or the highway"? WTF?!

 

I took exactly the same ABUSE from my MW to the point to where my self esteem was about to be shot. I finally grabbed the "bullsh*t" by the horns. Now if THAT is doing things MY way, well then good for me....

[whichwayisup]

I'm talking about your MW, not your wife. Unless I've misunderstood about who got caught? Sorry Matt.

[Lookingforward]

From where I'm sitting, none of her responses in that im sound like a woman desperate to leave her M and be with the "man she loves".

 

Sorry to be harsh but it is what it is.

 

Somehow I have a feeling you already know it, too.

[stampdaddy]

My wife's affair I believe was an 'exit' affair. She didn't have the guts to file, and couldn't connect with me about her happiness. The affair ensued, I found out and she thought I would immediately file. I didn't file, but eventually the divorce happened anyway. My wife wanted to get caught, and she did.

 

Don't get too wrapped up in "titles and labels" of things.. NOTHING is textbook

[mrmatt]

Oh and I see she IS making you out to be the bad guy...

 

You're going to do what you're going to do, but sooner or later you'll realize that talking to her right now is only going to mess you up. She is in desparation mode and will say 'anything' to get you off her back and she's going to do the same at home with her husband.

 

I mean, has she TOLD him that she is infact in love with you, wants to start a life with you? Has she told him the truth? Confessed it all? Or IS she having second thoughts, realizing that life won't be the same anymore so she's re-thinking about staying married?

 

She has told me that she loves me, and only wants me. She has told me she will marry me. She did get caught on our affair, and told me she confessed. However, she told him she was no longer in contact with me, while we carried on. That infuriated me that the lying started right back up. She claims she has no intention of staying married. I don't know what to believe anymore.

[whichwayisup]

She has told me that she loves me, and only wants me. She has told me she will marry me. She did get caught on our affair, and told me she confessed. However, she told him she was no longer in contact with me, while we carried on. That infuriated me that the lying started right back up. She claims she has no intention of staying married. I don't know what to believe anymore.

 

What she doesn't realize is, by hiding all this from her H, IS killing you two as a potiental couple later on once she is divorced. She HAS thrown you under the bus, just ask SD about that one.

 

You really have no clue WHAT she is telling or told her husband about you and the A. Chances are, she's downplayed it, made it look like you were the one chasing her and she was trying to end it with you, but you weren't getting the hint.. Stuff like that.

 

Bottomline, people who really want OUT of their marriages, DO end their marriages, reguardless if there's an affair partner waiting or not. I'm not sure what your MW wants, and I'm betting now she isn't sure either.. Having two men meeting all her needs, well giving one up is hell for her. She's played the role of the wife from the outside, still in the house, a mom to her kids, security of the house, (do you know if they still sleep in the same bed?), etc..etc.. And then she's had you in her life, meeting the rest of her needs..

[stampdaddy]

She has told me that she loves me, and only wants me. She has told me she will marry me. She did get caught on our affair, and told me she confessed. However, she told him she was no longer in contact with me, while we carried on. That infuriated me that the lying started right back up. She claims she has no intention of staying married. I don't know what to believe anymore.

 

 

BELIEVE ME.. you bet she is telling him anthing and everything he wants to hear to save her ass.. Mine did it for over a year, and was still seeing me. He causght us face to face 6 months after Dday, and told him some BS about ME being lonely around the Holidays so she met me for lunch.. and he bought it, I guess. He now knows different. Then he found phone bills, but told him that it was ME mainly initiating contact, and that she didnt know it was me when she answered.. Never mind the 100's of hours we talked.. Then again a month and half ago.. She lied and lied and lied..

[Owl]

My wife's affair I believe was an 'exit' affair. She didn't have the guts to file, and couldn't connect with me about her happiness. The affair ensued, I found out and she thought I would immediately file. I didn't file, but eventually the divorce happened anyway. My wife wanted to get caught, and she did.

 

Has it occurred to you that the MW here is doing EXACTLY the same thing that your wife did? I mean...EXACTLY.

 

She's trying to make this an exit affair...and she's trying to avoid being the one to file...that's why she waited til she got caught.

 

Do you REALLY want a woman capable of doing treating her husband just exactly like your wife treated you???????