Never thought I would be the 'Other Man'

[Lookingforward]

Reading threads like this, it really blows me away how MANY think they can "have it all"; the marriage and all the benefits of being married, plus the attitude that they're also "entitled" to have any other needs met by the OW/OM.

 

Bottom line....talk about selfish, and yet these traits must apparently be what endear them to the OP as they surely fight hard enough to have these selfish people all to themselves.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Matt,

 

The IM post between you two made me sick to my stomach. She is purposely gaslighting and manipulating you. She knows exactly what she is doing. As SD said, it is abuse, and it will wear at you as much as you let it. Possibly she is trying to buy some time, but to what end. It's out now, she has a choice to make.

 

All of a sudden YOU are controlling??? If not then proove it to me??? That is about as transparent as a three year old getting caught with cookie all over his face.

 

I liked your response though. I read one time that people need to feel a strong dislike to leave someone that they have loved, and that this is why people tend to rewrite history.

 

Don't allow yourself to be guilted or manipulated for ANYONE elses benefit.

[LakesideDream]

Matt, Wow, all I can say is Wow. Watching your drama unfold on this thread has really opened my eyes to a huge range of things like nothing else has. I suppose that's a function of the forum.

 

What you are experiancing, I have experianced. It's very hurtful. For you, and yes for your MW. Many are who are advising you to "cut her loose" or to go no contact until she figures her situation out. Having been, and to some extent being still in your position, I doubt you will do that.

 

I certainly wish I had known of LS back in 2001 when my journey began. It might have opened my eyes to what was bound to follow. I might have very well made different decisions than I have.

 

With luck, you will have a happy ending. Don't count on it though.... I haven't had enough luck these past seven years to fill a thimble.

[mrmatt]

Reading threads like this, it really blows me away how MANY think they can "have it all"; the marriage and all the benefits of being married, plus the attitude that they're also "entitled" to have any other needs met by the OW/OM.

 

Bottom line....talk about selfish, and yet these traits must apparently be what endear them to the OP as they surely fight hard enough to have these selfish people all to themselves.

 

To be sure, these traits are not what endear, or attract me to her. There was/is so much more than that. I will get through this, I think the writing was always on the wall, I just kept refusing to read it.

[Owl]

Reading threads like this, it really blows me away how MANY think they can "have it all"; the marriage and all the benefits of being married, plus the attitude that they're also "entitled" to have any other needs met by the OW/OM.

 

Bottom line....talk about selfish, and yet these traits must apparently be what endear them to the OP as they surely fight hard enough to have these selfish people all to themselves.

 

LF, this is exactly why I tend to say that the cheating is often not caused by a failure within the marriage, but a failure in the WS THEMSELVES. The lack is in THEM, not always in the marriage RELATIONSHIP. They bring that lack into the marriage...make sense?

 

Its that sense of entitlement, the self-centerdness...almost a form or narcissism in a way...that the vast majority of WS's seem to share. That's what allows them to justify the cheating in their minds...and that same entitlement is what leads to the breakdown in the marriage more than anything else.

 

I'm not saying that the BS doesn't contribute to the "state of the marriage"...but the fact that it ENDS UP as an affair is because of that sense of entitlement, and belief that its ok to have their needs met by someone else...regardless of what that does to the BS, or what it could do to the OW/OM.

 

I don't mean to T/J...and hopefully matt can look at this and see this in his MW's situation as well. As well as his ex-W's life.

[Lookingforward]

To be sure, these traits are not what endear, or attract me to her. There was/is so much more than that. I will get through this, I think the writing was always on the wall, I just kept refusing to read it.

 

Are you very sure about that? It's pretty obviously a large part of who she is.

[mrmatt]

Has it occurred to you that the MW here is doing EXACTLY the same thing that your wife did? I mean...EXACTLY.

 

She's trying to make this an exit affair...and she's trying to avoid being the one to file...that's why she waited til she got caught.

 

Do you REALLY want a woman capable of doing treating her husband just exactly like your wife treated you???????

 

She and I have both been cheated on, so, we well know the stages that you go through. Her H is in the stage now where he is trying to 'fix' everything, taking all the blame for her A, etc. She doesn't have the guts to leave, clearly. She's told me she's waiting for him to reach actual anger about her affair so that he will leave her, or things get so bad she has to leave him. Do I believe he will reach that stage, yes. Do I think he will leave her, absolutely not. Do I believe she will leave him, I'd like to think so, but my better sense tells me no.

[whichwayisup]

To be sure, these traits are not what endear, or attract me to her. There was/is so much more than that.

 

The traits you are seeing have been there all along, they've just never had an opportunity to come out to you.. I mean, she's been lying and deceiving her husband for so long, lie after lie, manipulating selfishly... And now she's throwing it in your face, trying to put the blame on you. That's total BULLCRAP and it's exactly what SD's MW did to him. Scary.

[mrmatt]

I'm glad I have this forum. But, what is sad is even though our minds clearly tell us what to do, we still turn the gun on ourselves and shoot ourselves in the foot over and over again.

[whichwayisup]

She's told me she's waiting for him to reach actual anger about her affair so that he will leave her, or things get so bad she has to leave him

 

Bottomline, if she wanted OUT of the marriage and thought it was completely over, she wouldn't be staying. She isn't going to leave him, and he isn't going to leave her.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'm glad I have this forum. But, what is sad is even though our minds clearly tell us what to do, we still turn the gun on ourselves and shoot ourselves in the foot over and over again.

 

LOL, I'm sure that everyone of us can attest to that, in one situation or another!

[Deegee]

SHE IS NOT LEAVING!!!!!!!!!!!

For the pure and simple fact that she's WAITING for him to file(?!!!), please!!!!!!

She's a cake eater, and a manipulator.

PLEASE, PLEASE save yourself the heartache and pain (and not to mention the wasted years) and LET THIS ONE GO!

It's been said that if and when they want to leave, there would be ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THE WORLD THAT WOULD STOP THEM.....ask Caliguy, he'll agree.

Work on yourself, and getting out on with your divorce, then THINK about getting involved with someone else, hopefully someone with less baggage. In reality, if you stick with this person, you'll just be trading one set of problems for another, and seriously, just too darn exhausting!!!!

MAKE YOURSELF THE PRIORITY, BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T THEN WHO WILL?!!

I wish you nothing but peace (and peace of mind) and happiness.

[Owl]

She and I have both been cheated on, so, we well know the stages that you go through. Her H is in the stage now where he is trying to 'fix' everything, taking all the blame for her A, etc. She doesn't have the guts to leave, clearly. She's told me she's waiting for him to reach actual anger about her affair so that he will leave her, or things get so bad she has to leave him. Do I believe he will reach that stage, yes. Do I think he will leave her, absolutely not. Do I believe she will leave him, I'd like to think so, but my better sense tells me no.

 

You do realize that not every single marriage that involves cheating is doomed to fail, right?

 

Marriages can and do recover from infidelity. I know...I have a happily recovered marriage of my own.

 

If you've both been cheated on, and have gone through this from the betrayed spouse's side already...how can you possibly condone doing it TO someone????

 

Sure...I know...but we LOVE each other....you heard it from your ex-wife, she heard it from her husband...we've seen it more times on this forum than I can count.

 

If you've been down this path already from the other side, then you know the "odds" of the affair working out. Very, VERY slim.

 

You know all the 'stages'....great...so do you realize that its entirely possible that her H could be using this affair as a catalyst for permanent changes to fix the marriage?

 

I'm curious...where was this other 'chat room' that the two of you met at? I'm familiar with a lot of the 'infidelity boards'...and most of them would have likely NOT helped lead you to this point.

 

 

Since you know the 'stages'...I'm assuming you also know how to END the affair, right? NC between the two of you...FOREVER.

 

Again...you KNOW all of this already if you've been down this path...and you know that the only thing stopping you is YOU.

 

When are you going to make the changes that you KNOW you need to make?

[mrmatt]

You do realize that not every single marriage that involves cheating is doomed to fail, right?

 

Marriages can and do recover from infidelity. I know...I have a happily recovered marriage of my own.

 

If you've both been cheated on, and have gone through this from the betrayed spouse's side already...how can you possibly condone doing it TO someone????

 

Sure...I know...but we LOVE each other....you heard it from your ex-wife, she heard it from her husband...we've seen it more times on this forum than I can count.

 

If you've been down this path already from the other side, then you know the "odds" of the affair working out. Very, VERY slim.

 

You know all the 'stages'....great...so do you realize that its entirely possible that her H could be using this affair as a catalyst for permanent changes to fix the marriage?

 

I'm curious...where was this other 'chat room' that the two of you met at? I'm familiar with a lot of the 'infidelity boards'...and most of them would have likely NOT helped lead you to this point.

 

 

Since you know the 'stages'...I'm assuming you also know how to END the affair, right? NC between the two of you...FOREVER.

 

Again...you KNOW all of this already if you've been down this path...and you know that the only thing stopping you is YOU.

 

When are you going to make the changes that you KNOW you need to make?

 

I have no defense for how it all happened. I honestly cannot even pinpoint when it started making a turn toward the romantic.

I said 1000 times that I would never wish this pain on anyone, but yet, here I am. Again, I am defenseless. I am human. As for the other 'chat room/forum', of course that was not the purpose of the forum but it is where we met, being in like circumstances.

[stampdaddy]

Are you very sure about that? It's pretty obviously a large part of who she is.

 

He doesnt see that now, and won't for a long time. It is human nature when in love to ONLY see the good parts.. I am still trying to figure this out.. Where is the "old" MW? What happened to her? NOTHING, these are just "new" traits that I am seeing.. and I don't like them. Reading those IM's made me sick to. This is actually pissing me off. She has NO RIGHT to turn this around on you, MAtt!!

[stampdaddy]

I guess you have been told alot of different advice on this Thread, and ultimately it is all up to YOU (or her husband...) on what happens in YOUR life from here on out...

 

I think the best advice that I can give you is this" With ALL of your "mental might", think about what she IS saying at home. Think of the lies, "No, I am not talking to that wierdo Matt anymore. I was confused, PLEASE forgive me. It was ONLY a cyber thing.. He didnt mean ANYTHING to me, I swear!!!, etc.." I could go on, but you get the picture, I hope.. Think about her trying to re-connect with him (I don't mean with sex, so don't go there, OK?" Think about the "opportunites that SHE has to go to dinner with her H, have "date nights" with her H. Have friends over with her H. Standing at the door together at Halloween with her H. Thanksgiving with her H and all of their family, being "Thankful". Christmas with the kids and her H as a family.. GET FREAKING PISSED OFF ABOUT ALL OF THIS!! and stay pissed off about it, cause it's real pal, and it's gonna happen. All while you sit there in Texas, focused on it instead of your children and THEIR Halloween, and THEIR Thanksgiving and THEIR Christmas with THEIR family, IF, IF, IF you let your HEART stay involved with this...

 

Hate to be harsh, but I can't stand to watch this unfold for you, cause I am STILL dealing with 4 years of EVERYTHING I just typed...

[Owl]

Wow...how hard did I push for you to do that exact same thing, SD?

 

I hope matt takes this advice.

 

Othewise he's just going to sit there and hurt, while she's playing the both of them.

[stampdaddy]

Wow...how hard did I push for you to do that exact same thing, SD?

 

I hope matt takes this advice.

 

Othewise he's just going to sit there and hurt, while she's playing the both of them.

 

you never told me any of that, you told me to "live the dream.."

[Owl]

LOL! I know...I'm notorious for painting rosy pictures and my wonderful hand-holding and 'kumbaya' singing outlook!

[stampdaddy]

Matt, where are you buddy?? any more contact??

[quankanne]

matt, she's poison, plain and simple. And you need to get out of that relationship FAST, or she'll end up killing you emotionally.

 

yeah, there's going to be a lot of pain, but do you realize that with all the crap, all the "I-me-me" stuff she's telling you, is the best it'll ever be with her? If she's telling you one thing but showing you another, it means that her allegiance is not to a relationship with you, but to her own personal needs. If that means porking you on the side and lying to her husband about it ... and "waiting" for him to take the first step to divorce and/or beat her sorry azz, well ... is this what you truly deserve from life? A woman who has no respect for you? Who encourages you to open your heart, but cruelly dictates the terms of your so-called relationship so that she can have both her husband and you?

 

of all the millions of women out there, do you honestly believe you deserve that particular one, who's proven time and again that you don't deserve her respect.

 

as much as it hurts, buddy, it's time to cut the cord. Kill out her IM and email addresses, change your phone number, return any mail from her and just eradicate her from your life. That'll force her to do one of two things: Get her butt in gear and follow through on y'alls "big plans" for a life together, or find some other sucker to manipulate.

 

my guess is that for a time she'll try to hunt you down and make you pay for "deserting" her, then she'll give up the ghost and move on to the next affair. I don't deny that this woman has feelings, and is affected by this whole affair, but dayum, dude – you've turned out to be her secret little puppet who dances when she says "dance."

 

again, is this where you hoped your life would lead to?

 

you deserve WAY better than what she's offering, if only you'd let yourself believe that ...

[mrmatt]

matt, she's poison, plain and simple. And you need to get out of that relationship FAST, or she'll end up killing you emotionally.

 

yeah, there's going to be a lot of pain, but do you realize that with all the crap, all the "I-me-me" stuff she's telling you, is the best it'll ever be with her? If she's telling you one thing but showing you another, it means that her allegiance is not to a relationship with you, but to her own personal needs. If that means porking you on the side and lying to her husband about it ... and "waiting" for him to take the first step to divorce and/or beat her sorry azz, well ... is this what you truly deserve from life? A woman who has no respect for you? Who encourages you to open your heart, but cruelly dictates the terms of your so-called relationship so that she can have both her husband and you?

 

of all the millions of women out there, do you honestly believe you deserve that particular one, who's proven time and again that you don't deserve her respect.

 

as much as it hurts, buddy, it's time to cut the cord. Kill out her IM and email addresses, change your phone number, return any mail from her and just eradicate her from your life. That'll force her to do one of two things: Get her butt in gear and follow through on y'alls "big plans" for a life together, or find some other sucker to manipulate.

 

my guess is that for a time she'll try to hunt you down and make you pay for "deserting" her, then she'll give up the ghost and move on to the next affair. I don't deny that this woman has feelings, and is affected by this whole affair, but dayum, dude – you've turned out to be her secret little puppet who dances when she says "dance."

 

again, is this where you hoped your life would lead to?

 

you deserve WAY better than what she's offering, if only you'd let yourself believe that ...

 

It does suck that we can KNOW we're worth more but still act so 'love-dumb' and foolishly. I'll get there.

[stampdaddy]

It does suck that we can KNOW we're worth more but still act so 'love-dumb' and foolishly. I'll get there.

 

Matt, ask OWL how many times I said, "I will get there..." I would bet the over/under to be 111...

 

Get there TODAY, not tomorrow or next week or next month or next year, TODAY!!

 

Did you ever ask your kids what they want to cook with you on Thursday, tomorrow??

 

Have you heard back from her since last time?

[mrmatt]

Matt, where are you buddy?? any more contact??

 

Contact...yes, more IM, she's freaking out and saying that she'd rather have negative attention from me than none at all. The only information from me is a broken record. I keep telling her that my stance is the same, that I cannot be here to support her while she just stays at home.

 

She was there for me during my divorce. My divorce was already underway before I even met her, but I must admit, it was easier to get through it while I had her as a lifeline. I think I believed she would eventually leave him, although the writing was on the wall with empty promises.

 

I do think I'm getting a bit stronger, although it comes in waves. I do know myself well enough that I know I will only put up with so much crap (I think), before I totally flip out.

 

Keep in mind, we're 3 weeks out from getting caught, at which time, she was supposed to tell him she wanted a divorce, instead she was found out. So, all the wind has only just recently come out of my sails about her promise to leave him.

 

With y'alls help, and some counseling, I think that even if she continues to make contact, my emotional attachment will continue to weaken.

[mrmatt]

Matt, ask OWL how many times I said, "I will get there..." I would bet the over/under to be 111...

 

Get there TODAY, not tomorrow or next week or next month or next year, TODAY!!

 

Did you ever ask your kids what they want to cook with you on Thursday, tomorrow??

 

Have you heard back from her since last time?

 

Today is my son's birthday. He is 12. Last weekend he had a party, but I'm taking him, my youngest son, and their mom out to dinner. As for Thursday, as soon as I pick them up we go to my youngest son's soccer practice, so what we make for dinner on Thursdays is always the same....reservations