My EX says she loves me, but not in love with me.

[Hare_4]

I have recently broke up with my girlfriend (3 weeks ago), due to my own selfishness and lack of concern for the family. She has 2 boys, that I dearly love. We have never had an argumant until the day I left, per her request.

 

#1 - 5 years ago she and her boys moved in with me, and she took over the household bills because she felt they were 3/4 of the home. 3 years ago, she bought a home and I moved in with her, and rented my house out. I never stepped up to pay any bills other than the cable and always thought if she needed money, she would ask. She never did, and I did not know the stress it was causing.

 

#2 - 4.5 years ago she had major surgery (cancer removed) and I went to work that day. I always regretted that, but she never said anything until the last day.

 

#3 - We joke at the beginning that we had nothing in common, but now she feels it has grown into a major problem.

 

#4 - She has no outside interests away from the home, and I do. I hunt and golf.

 

She sent me to Texas for my birthday and Mardi Gras with friends because I had never been. She thinks since I went, and did not say anything, I don't really think of the family, because she could never leave the boys for fun.

 

#5 - Her new house is a very nice old home in a good location. When we looked at it, I could see all the possibilities and my openion was it was a good deal. Since moving in, we noticed there are NO closets, NO insulation and NO heat upstairs, for the boys. I have been remodeling for the past 3 years, 1-room at a time, removing plaster & lathe, insulating, adding new electrical, cable and phone outlets, drywalling and finishing.

 

Since I work in an office, I don't have the time to work at night and the weekends go by so quickly. She blames me (and she is right) for not looking at the house more closely and not getting the work done sooner. The boys have lived in dust and dirt, upstairs, every summer and she feels she is a horrible parent for making them sleep where she would not.

 

#6 - We met when I was bartending and she started to waitress because I worked there. We both drank alcahol at the start but she soon stopped. She never said that it bothered her till that day because, her oldest sons father is an alcoholic and she feels her son will become like his father. I have never really drank around the boys, but they know I do. Drinking is not important to me at all. I mainly drink with co-workers and her brother, maybe 1-2 times a month.

 

Ther are a few more things, but not that important. All of these things bothered her, but she never said a word. She said she hinted around, but I never got the hint. None of these things are more important to me than my family. The past 6-8 months she has been unhappy trying to figure out what to do. She tried to make herself happy, by dieting and tanning, and even getting her navel pierced, thinking everthing else would fall into place, but it never did. She said got to the point that she did not love me anymore and wanted time apart before she began to hate me, which knowing all of this I understand.

 

Since I left, we have been taking more, spending more time together, wheather it be church, working on the remodel, talking to her while she's in the bath and even when I come by to do a load of laundry. I have even stayed overnight twice. She says she will let me see the boys as much as possible and she has, even let them spend the night at my apartment. But she still, I don't believe, wants me to move back. I would do anything for this person and for her children.

 

I love her and tell her as much as I can without making her uncomfortable. I am just so confused. I can't see my life without her, but she says she can't see us being together. Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank You

[Leikela]

Um, re-read your post. Look at how you treated her. IS THAT LOVE? I don't think so. You say you love her, but all your actions say otherwise. If my boyfriend treated me that way, I would kick him to the curb too. Treating someone like that does not evoke feelings of love from someone. It instead dulls and KILLS any kind of feelings.

 

You say that she never asked you for things, but didn't it occur to you to just DO them? When you love someone, you just do things for them without them having to ask you. I mean she had cancer removed and you opted to go to work instead? Wouldn't common sense tell you that maybe she might need you there with her? She shouldn't have to ask for simple things like that.

 

I think you need to re-evaluate what love really is to you. Seriously, if that is what you call love then I don't blame your girlfriend for telling you she doesn't want to be with you anymore. You probably destroyed any feeling she ever had for you. Live and learn.

[Hare_4]

Leikela - You are absolutely right, and so is she. I've done nothing but think of the things I've done wrong and truely want to make things right. I know everthing takes time, but I feel the longer we are apart, the harder it will be to get back together. If we do not get back together, She will never know how I truely feel, and I know I will never be happy, unitl she knows.

 

Thanks for your input!

[Leikela]

Since you are aware of your wrong doings, have you talked to her about it? Have you apologized to her for not being there for her when she needed you? I think if you put everything out on the table, admit you were wrong and say you want to turn over a new leaf, she may be receptive.

 

If she agrees to your newfound ways, then make sure you really do change. This is a great learning experience for yourself. It isn't because you are a horrible person that you acted this way. Maybe you can get to the root of why you acted this way. What is it about yourself or your past that caused this? If you heal that, then maybe loving her will just come naturally and you'll find yourself doing thing for her because you truly do love her.

 

I wish you the best. I am glad that you are at least aware of your mistakes. That's the first step to making things right. Best of luck to you...

[Hare_4]

Leikela - Thank You. I have told her everything, apologized for everthing and have taken responsibility for all of our problems. My love for her does come naturally and I know that I took advantage of my life and hers. This experience has changed my life forever, in that I will never take advantage of life or love again. Life is too short and I feel I will never be truely happy without her. We have talked everyday since, and I've seen her everyday except 3. ( The worst 3 days of my life. ) I can tell, when I look at her, that this is hard, and maybe it is because she is scared or that the boys miss me (I don't know). She has told me I still have years of moulding to do with the boys and she would be proud if they turned out like me, but I would not, because I do not want them going through this in life. To love someone so much and feel that same love from them, vanish because of pure selfishness. I don't wish that on anyone.

Thanks again - I truely appreciate your comments.

[Leikela]

You're welcome Hare_4. I am glad to hear that you layed everything out to her. Yes, she is going to be scared at first and a bit withdrawn, but if you keep proving yourself over and over again, she'll come around. She's hurt right now and probably not 100% trusting, which is understandable, so help her through the healing process as you learn to be a better person towards her.

 

Time will heal this and if you both truly love one another, the wounds will mend and you'll have a much better life together then before. The fact that you see her a lot is good thing! Shower her with love. Women love small things. We love to hear that we're beautiful, smart, etc... We love to get random, unexpected gifts like flowers, stuffed animals, or even little love notes left around the house. Take her out and show her a good time. Nuture her and your relationship and at the end a beautiful butterfly will result!!

 

Many good wishes to you...

[Hare_4]

Thank you so very much. I keep reading my thread and your posts over and over again. I appiate you taking the time to post replys. We had a good weekend. I have seen her every day and we talked alot yesterday. She says her feelings are still the same towards me. She said and I quote "I have tried and even prayed to god to help me be in love with you again, because I know things would be better and the boys would be happier, but I don't have those feelings and I really want to. I love and care about you, but I do not see us being together, because I'm not truely in love with you. This is not your fault and you did not push me away, I pulled away." This was extremely hard for me to hear and it hurt so bad, because of the feelings I have for her. She says what she needs know is me not to be there for her and give her time to think and make decisions. She says its hard right now because she knows I'm right there and would help her with anything she needed, and that allows her to drag her feet on making decisions. NOW MY OPINION: The good in this, I feel, is if she is truely trying to love me and asking God for help, that she still has some true love for me and the time she has spent keeping all the problems inside has clouded/overshadowed that love. The bad thing is that since she is trying so hard and her not feeling that same love, means she will never feel that way again. I just real confused and don't know what to think.

Thanks again Leikela, and if anyone else has any input, please feel free.

[Hare_4]

I wish someone could lend me further advice. I feel my life is slipping away and that I will never be happy. I am not close to anyone, except her, and since I can't ask her for advice, I just feel so alone.

Thanks to anyone who will listen.

[Hare_4]

Since my last reply asking for further advice this morning, things have started feeling worse. I appreciate the advice Leikela have given me, but I still can't come to grasps with my life as it is. She is the most wonderful and caring person I know, and without her in my life, I will not survive. I know it won't be long before someone else will start to fill her heart like I did, because a person like her does not come along everyday and any man would be blessed with her in his life. I have asked God for his forgivness on all bad things I have done to others and the thoughts towards him for not caring about me, and Sunday in church I truely felt the forgivness. Now, all I pray for is him to take me away, so that the pain will stop. It is getting harder by the day, I can't sleep or eat, I've lost 30 lbs. since this began, and all I think about is the life I have lost.For those of you who read this, I am NOT thinking about suicide; I could not do that to my family or my boys, but instead I want him just to end my life, in some way, which would be easier to accept by my family. I have not asked for much in my life from him, so I feel he will have time to consider it. I hope knowone has to go through, having someone so special love you so much, and unknowingly cause those feeling to disappear. IT IS THE WORSE FEELING IN THE WORLD. With all the feelings and emotions I have, I don't even feel like a man anymore. Just going day by day is getting harder and the pain is always there. I just want it to stop.

Please - no reply is asked.

Thank You

[Leikela]

Hare_4,

 

I am very sorry to hear that it is only getting harder and harder to cope with your situation. Like the saying always goes, once you hit bottom, there is only one way to go- UP. In my opinion, this is the wake up call that you needed. I have a feeling the way you treated your girlfriend previously stemmed from other issues you harbored within yourself.

 

Besides losing her, why are you so unhappy with your life? Why don't you have anyone else close in your life? Are you truly afraid of intimacy?

 

Life may seem unbearable now, but it WILL get better. You cannot base you happiness solely on another person. People DO and CAN be happy just existing by themselves. I understand you are grieving right now but don't give up on your life. Happiness needs to come from within yourself FIRST.

 

You said you were seeing a counselor, but did that counselor start by exploring your childhood, your household growing up, your relationship with your parents, etc?? It sounds to me you have other issues you need to tackle in order to be truly happy.

 

Don't give up. It's not worth it. God obviously has a plan for you or he wouldn't be putting your through all this pain. Hard times and suffering makes us stronger as people and teaches us a lot. You are going through your learning process. How can we ever grow as people if things are always hunky dory? You aren't the only one going through something this painful. Many people have made it through even harder times and you can too. Just believe that God is putting you through this for a reason. In the end, you'll be happy but you have to truly WANT it.

 

Good luck to you and I hope you stay strong.

[Hare_4]

I'm sorry for my last post, I was thinking too much about my situation, and my day went to hell, and I just started typing how I felt at that present time. I'm not afraid of being close to people, its just in the past six years, she has been that person I would turn to for help. Since this began, I've talked to several people, my secretary, mom, uncle and 2 pastors. All have listened well and had good advice. There is no past problems, that I'm aware of. I am an only child, raised by my mother, in a good home with alot of love. I dated and had girlfriends in the past, but none of them ever made me feel like she does. She was the first girlfriend to ever say she loved me, and I still recall that night very well. The problem is with me. I don't want to keep going to the same people for my problems, and become a bother to them. They all care about me and I can see when I'm hurting, they feel it to. I just can't stop thinking about her and the boys lives going on without me there. She still says she cares and loves me, but does not see us having a future. She tells me to stop saying I love her because it makes it that much harder. I understand that but I just can not help myself. I will be with her tonight at a middleschool football game, and I know I only think about after the game, when they go home and I go to my apartment. It does not feel like home, and that an awfull feeling, EVERY NIGHT.

Thanks for all you time and input.

[Hare_4]

For those of you keeping track, I don't know what to think. I stayed with her Friday & Saturday night. Sunday morning the youngest boy and I went to church. While I was gone, she sent me an email, stating that her feelings have not changed, and this time she was trying to get the feelings back, they have gone the other way. She keeps telling me that I will always be the dad the boys need and she never wants that to change. I really like that, but it is just getting harder and harder to deal with our past 6 years ending so quickly. I think about her almost every minute and miss her presence every night I'm not with her. I just don't know what to think and just can't forget and move on. My heart is not large enough to allow someone else in it and I can't stop loving her. I'm just lost and confused.

[tangerine33]

Hare_4,

 

I've read your posts and wanted to share some thoughts coming from a person who has been in your girlfriend's shoes. In fact, some of the similarities between my 5-year, live-in relationship and yours are almost bizarre. I do not have kids, but the lack of commonality, having major surgery and him not being there, lack of spending time together, living in a dump all resonate with me. I don't want to waste time in this post to compare all of our relationship similarities in detail, but there are many.

 

Like your girlfriend, I finally broke things off. We've been living apart now for 6 months. The first month was the hardest because I saw him in so much pain it made me feel terrible. He kept on wanting to come back and kept on telling me that he loved me, which was difficult to hear. While I loved him, I was not in love with him. Hearing him tell me how much he loved and needed me, made me feel like such a terrible person for asking him to leave. But, ultimately, I realized that it comes down to my happiness or his. I had a hard time acknowledging that, because in the past I had put his happiness before mine. In doing so, I had become so numb to our my own emotions that I didn't really know how I felt at all.

 

After spending time apart and talking to a counselor, I'm finally realizing that somehow in the five years that we were together I lost my voice. I realize this now, and can accept some of the responsibility for why our relationship failed. I did not speak up at the times when I should have. It was easier to make excuses for why he never came to the hospital, and convinced myself that I was being picky for living in a dump and it was ok that he forgot my birthday.

 

While I am still healing, I am getting stronger. My boyfriend has done some soul searching too and apologized for how he was in the past and I have seen some changes. What made the biggest difference for us, was when he finally let me go. Although, he said it hurt to hear that I loved him but was not in love with him, he finally realized that this was not something he could force. I know that he really loves me because he wants me to be happy even if this means it may be without him. Your girlfriend is going through a lot right now. Give her her space, let her know that you love her and will be there if she needs you. The worst thing you can do is push the situation.

 

 

Good luck!

[Hare_4]

Thank you so much. I think you might of hit the nail on the head. Deep down all I want is her to be happy, and thus the boys will be happy. My feelings and sorrow, I can bear on my own and with help from a couple people I know will listen. I have started giving her space and will continue to do so. To me, she is the only person I would ever be happy with, but ultimately she has to find that love and feel she can be happy with me.

Since you have seen a change in him, maybe you could find it in your heart to give him another chance. Because if he feels like I do, I know he has changed, for the better, more than you possible know. And he would do anything for you.

Thanks again

And maybe good luck