MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: Getting my ex back (by not trying)

[GoGators2008]

History:

 

- My ex and I have been broken up for about a month and a half now after being together a little over a year.

- She broke up with me for a myriad of reasons:

1). She moved away and said the distance was killing her cuz she missed me so much and couldn't handle being emotional like that

2). Me wanting so much time and attention from her

3). My jealousy issues subsequently leading us to fighting all the time because she would talk to her ex on a regular basis even though I knew she wasn't "with" him

4). Her adjusting to her new life and her hectic schedule

5). Said we can get back together later on down the line whatever that means

- I stayed in contact with her for a few weeks after, then went NC on her for 3 weeks, this drove her crazy and she went very needy calling me/texting me/calling at work/etc.

6). Still not a "couple" but not really "friends" either

 

During the whole course of the breakup, I did a lotta soul searching. About why we broke up and if she was worth going after again. So I started thinking outside of myself, almost from another person's perspective. This is what I came up with:

 

- I asked myself why I really wanna get back with her

(It wasn't because I needed her but because I wanted her. It wasn't because I was obsessed with how she made me feel, but how much I cared about her. It wasn't because I couldn't live without this girl, it's because I wanted to share my life with her.)

- The problems that I need to resolve before I try to get back with her (My jealousy, my insecurities, my trust issues, my neediness at times, my lack of support and communication skills, my lack of showing her that I truly care and not care only if something significant happened)

- Need to start a new relationship based on a fresh start after overcoming all those problems listed above, and not re-patching an old relationship

- Most importantly TIMING (knowing when she's ready for a relationship and striking at the right moment, ALSO being ready for it)

 

So everybody talks about how NC works, the longer you do it, the more it heals, etc etc. While that may work in a lotta the cases, I have come to realize that it doesn't work in all cases. Statistics is in my favor, believe it or not, I read somewhere it said over 70% of the couples get back together at least once after they break up. The reason why most of them don't work out is because most people get back together prematurely before their issues are resolved and/or because they get back together for the wrong reasons. This leads to the same old issues coming back up and inevitably the final breakup, which is beyond the point of no return.

 

In conclusion what I'm gonna do is play the waiting game because if I rush her into getting back with me, chances are it will fail again. My plan is to let her contact me EVERYTIME and see how it goes from there. In the meantime keep my options open, if I see a girl that I like, nothing will hold me back. Spend time with family, with friends, try to change things I don't like about myself, I'm gonna try to lose weight, get some fresh clothes, and see her once every couple weeks. When I do see her, I'll let her know that I still careI will post my results and updates on here in detail for all Loveshack people to see. Wish me luck, hopefully I can prove a lotta people wrong. It's not gonna be easy, I might get heartbroken, but as Shakespeare said, Path to true love is never a smooth one.

[BCCA]

First, I wish you good luck. I honestly hope you can make things work for yourself. Please keep us updated!

 

With that said, I think you are making a mistake. I dont know where you saw that 70% of people get back together, but I think you may have misread that. I have studied relationships at great length, and its below 30%, with less than 10% of those staying together long term. 10% of 30% = 3%, not good odds. Its also important to note that the number of women going back to men is FAR less than men going back to women.

 

All of the reasons you listed fall under the category of 'if it was really important to someone, they shouldnt matter'. Those are all things that you can say about everyone in the world. Everyone is pressed for time these days, no one likes their signifigant other talking to their ex, and everyone wants some attention from the person theyre with. You shouldnt accept these things as valid reasons. What she is really saying is that she doesnt feel youre worth the time and effort to keep around, plain and simple.

 

And you seem to be taking ALL of the responsibility, and preparing yourself to make these changes in your life to get her back, while she does nothing besides give you the ok when/if she wants to give it another go. Thats asking for trouble. If you shoulder all the responsibility, everything is always going to be all your fault, and youre making her feel like shes perfect. You're inflating her ego and giving her even more reasons to feel like shes better than you.

 

I just dont want to see you get burned man, and youre walking the tightrope over an open flame. There is really good reason people say what they do here. Its not because I want you to give up on things that are important to you becuase I enjoy human suffering. Its because Ive not only been where you are, but ive THOUGHT the same way, and I know how it worked out for me. I really do wish you the best of luck, and if you can be one of the lucky few, more power to you man!

[GoGators2008]

First, I wish you good luck. I honestly hope you can make things work for yourself. Please keep us updated!

 

With that said, I think you are making a mistake. I dont know where you saw that 70% of people get back together, but I think you may have misread that. I have studied relationships at great length, and its below 30%, with less than 10% of those staying together long term. 10% of 30% = 3%, not good odds. Its also important to note that the number of women going back to men is FAR less than men going back to women.

 

I read it in a book called "getting back with your ex." The author was some doctor but you're right about men getting back with women, but you also have to realize that men are the ones that do the chasing because seldom do women go after guys because that's just how humans are.

 

All of the reasons you listed fall under the category of 'if it was really important to someone, they shouldnt matter'. Those are all things that you can say about everyone in the world. Everyone is pressed for time these days, no one likes their signifigant other talking to their ex, and everyone wants some attention from the person theyre with. You shouldnt accept these things as valid reasons. What she is really saying is that she doesnt feel youre worth the time and effort to keep around, plain and simple.

 

While that may be true, just because somebody doesn't have all the time in the world for you, doesn't mean they don't care about you, especially when it's a LDR like mine is. Whether they are valid reason or not depends on the person and their situation, and not what we presume. She talks to me, she texts me, she sees me everytime I go up to where she is which is often and she loves spending time with me. So it's not that she doesn't feel I'm worth the time and effort, she goes out of her way to meet me and spend time with me, so it's not that plain and simple.

 

And you seem to be taking ALL of the responsibility, and preparing yourself to make these changes in your life to get her back, while she does nothing besides give you the ok when/if she wants to give it another go. Thats asking for trouble. If you shoulder all the responsibility, everything is always going to be all your fault, and youre making her feel like shes perfect. You're inflating her ego and giving her even more reasons to feel like shes better than you.

 

Now that I look back upon the breakup, I was responsible for pushing her away. Instead of being supportive, I was demanding. Instead of caring, we fought. As a man, I take responsibility because the traits and the way I acted when she was around, it was almost like I took her for granted and didn't appreciate how much she meant because we got to spend so much time when she was in my city.

 

And just because I've recognized my problems, it doesn't mean that I'm expecting 0 effort from her end either. I'm definitely not going to say that it was 100% my fault because she too admitted that she put in to our breakup as well.

 

I just dont want to see you get burned man, and youre walking the tightrope over an open flame. There is really good reason people say what they do here. Its not because I want you to give up on things that are important to you becuase I enjoy human suffering. Its because Ive not only been where you are, but ive THOUGHT the same way, and I know how it worked out for me. I really do wish you the best of luck, and if you can be one of the lucky few, more power to you man!

 

Thanks for the advice. I've done a lotta talking to my friends, the people that are closest to me and they asked me "Yo why do you want this girl back." And they gave me all the reasons not to get back with her. The heartache, the agony of another breakup if there is one, etc, etc. But I told them, if I am successful in getting back with her, and we can start anew all over again, and share our life together once again, then all that will be worth it. I guess it's because a lotta people that I know have broken up and gotten back together. Like my friend dated a girl for 6 months, broke up for 6 months, then started dating for a year now and they're getting married, so it's always a possibility and I guess if I try and don't suceed, then I will know that I gave it all to make it work and that there is enough satisfaction for me.

 

BTW, I'm not gonna chase her.

[Sysyphus28]

1. Changing for someone else is Bullsh**.

You should only change for you.

 

2. If you got dumped, you should move on. If she chases you down and apoligizes and accepts you for you, she is worth it.

 

3. You are a man. You are not put here on Earth to look for approval from a woman. You will find another woman who will apprecate all of your traits. Is this ex the all knowing personality wizard. You are who you are man. Be proud. MAN UP.

 

4. You are obsessing. Admit it. You are writing page long posts about how your NOT obsessing. WAKE UP.

 

5. I hope it works out for you, and you can say "I told you so". It won't though.

[GoGators2008]

1. Changing for someone else is Bullsh**.

You should only change for you.

2. If you got dumped, you should move on. If she chases you down and apoligizes and accepts you for you, she is worth it.

3. You are a man. You are not put here on Earth to look for approval from a woman. You will find another woman who will apprecate all of your traits. Is this ex the all knowing personality wizard. You are who you are man. Be proud. MAN UP.

4. You are obsessing. Admit it. You are writing page long posts about how your NOT obsessing. WAKE UP.

5. I hope it works out for you, and you can say "I told you so". It won't though.

 

Can you go a day without giving bitter advice to me?

[CaliGuy]

History:

 

- My ex and I have been broken up for about a month and a half now after being together a little over a year.

- She broke up with me for a myriad of reasons:

1). She moved away and said the distance was killing her cuz she missed me so much and couldn't handle being emotional like that

2). Me wanting so much time and attention from her

3). My jealousy issues subsequently leading us to fighting all the time because she would talk to her ex on a regular basis even though I knew she wasn't "with" him

4). Her adjusting to her new life and her hectic schedule

5). Said we can get back together later on down the line whatever that means

- I stayed in contact with her for a few weeks after, then went NC on her for 3 weeks, this drove her crazy and she went very needy calling me/texting me/calling at work/etc.

6). Still not a "couple" but not really "friends" either

 

During the whole course of the breakup, I did a lotta soul searching. About why we broke up and if she was worth going after again. So I started thinking outside of myself, almost from another person's perspective. This is what I came up with:

 

- I asked myself why I really wanna get back with her

(It wasn't because I needed her but because I wanted her. It wasn't because I was obsessed with how she made me feel, but how much I cared about her. It wasn't because I couldn't live without this girl, it's because I wanted to share my life with her.)

- The problems that I need to resolve before I try to get back with her (My jealousy, my insecurities, my trust issues, my neediness at times, my lack of support and communication skills, my lack of showing her that I truly care and not care only if something significant happened)

- Need to start a new relationship based on a fresh start after overcoming all those problems listed above, and not re-patching an old relationship

- Most importantly TIMING (knowing when she's ready for a relationship and striking at the right moment, ALSO being ready for it)

 

There's a lot of problems which contributed to the breakup. That said…let me get to your next statements.

 

So everybody talks about how NC works, the longer you do it, the more it heals, etc etc. While that may work in a lotta the cases, I have come to realize that it doesn't work in all cases. Statistics is in my favor, believe it or not, I read somewhere it said over 70% of the couples get back together at least once after they break up.

 

What statistic? What validity does this statistic have? One web site said it? I call BS. You know where the REAL statistics come from? Right here at LS. Read the "second chances" forum and see how often couples try and work things out after a breakup. My guess is less than 25% and only 5% succeed.

 

No Contact DOES work if you use it for what it's intended for. To heal and MOVE ON. It never works if the goal of NC is to bring them back to you.

 

It's called a breakup because it's broken. It got to the point where one person said "Hey, I don't want to work on this anymore" and they give up. When it reaches that point, it should be considered done and over with because there is little you can do to fix it.

 

The reason why most of them don't work out is because most people get back together prematurely before their issues are resolved and/or because they get back together for the wrong reasons. This leads to the same old issues coming back up and inevitably the final breakup, which is beyond the point of no return.

 

Fixing these issues usually takes years, if they are ever resolved. It takes people growing up and maturing and that doesn't happen overnight.

 

In conclusion what I'm gonna do is play the waiting game because if I rush her into getting back with me, chances are it will fail again.

 

What this sounds like to me is you're going to let life pass you by as you wait for something to happen that the odds are very good will NEVER happen. That's just sad.

 

My plan is to let her contact me EVERYTIME and see how it goes from there. In the meantime keep my options open, if I see a girl that I like, nothing will hold me back. Spend time with family, with friends, try to change things I don't like about myself, I'm gonna try to lose weight, get some fresh clothes, and see her once every couple weeks. When I do see her, I'll let her know that I still careI will post my results and updates on here in detail for all Loveshack people to see. Wish me luck, hopefully I can prove a lotta people wrong. It's not gonna be easy, I might get heartbroken, but as Shakespeare said, Path to true love is never a smooth one.

 

How about you do this instead?

 

How about you forget about her completely? How about you take all the energy you are wasting on trying to figure her out and how to win her back and you use it to fix yourself and make yourself happy?

 

That, to me at least, is the best thing you can do for yourself. If she decides to come back then you'll be in a better position to say no if you realize she isn't the right one for you. And if she never comes back, you'll not be hurting but instead be with someone who really loves and appreciates you for who you are.

 

Cheers.

[ioncebelieved]

Exactly what Cali said!!!

 

I tried the OP way for a while and realized what a waste of time! I then gave up on hope about my ex and did what Caliguy suggested you do: Work on me, get me back, try to enjoy life (albeit it is hard at times) and later if she comes back I will better to make an informed decision about her.

 

Follow his advice!!!

[You'reasian]

Sometimes certain people create issues with you. Sometimes certain people don't. If you can figure out that reason why, it'll make your life so much easier.

 

A very overtly, flirtatious, mysterious, highly sexual woman who says I love you alot to her male friends is probably more likely to experience jealousy issues with men compared to one who is more laid back, definitive in her relationships and able to channel her sex better - oh so much better.

[BCCA]

I read it in a book called "getting back with your ex."

 

Man, you really want to rely on stats given to you in a book that was written by people trying to convince you that getting your ex back is always possible? The book probably told you that if you just did x,y, and Z then youll have your ex back in 30 days or less right?

 

Those books are sham. Know how I know? I have 6, SIX of them at my house right now. I read all of them, practiced what they said to do, and followed the plan to a T...and I never got my ex back. Its unrealistic to think that even most relationships can be fixed once theyre broken.

 

Now that I look back upon the breakup, I was responsible for pushing her away. Instead of being supportive, I was demanding. Instead of caring, we fought. As a man, I take responsibility because the traits and the way I acted when she was around, it was almost like I took her for granted and didn't appreciate how much she meant because we got to spend so much time when she was in my city.

 

And just because I've recognized my problems, it doesn't mean that I'm expecting 0 effort from her end either. I'm definitely not going to say that it was 100% my fault because she too admitted that she put in to our breakup as well.

 

It takes two to tango. EVERY problem you two had was caused equally by both of you. Its good that she admits partial fault, but does that mean she is willing to make an equal effort to make things better, or is she just acknowleding that she knows she isnt pefect? Big difference!

 

Its good that you want her to chase you, but you also mentioned that men do most of the chasing, and thats just the way of the world. With that said, how confident can you really feel that this chasing is actually going to happen?

 

I guess I'll leave it at this: Ive been in your shoes, tried what youre doing, and it not only didnt work, it dragged out far too long, and I was eventually met with the grim conclusion that this girl I loved and wanted to keep in my life forever was with someone else. I just dont want to see you go through the same thing if it can be avoided, and it can. The best shot you have at getting her back is to dissapear from her life and focus on being ok without her. Only then will you have a real perspective on whats going on, and youll be able to see things much clearer. Dont fall into the trap of lying to yourself. I dont mean to burst your bubble, honestly, Im really trying to help here.

[GoGators2008]

I expected the responses and I appreciate the responses.

[BCCA]

I expected the responses and I appreciate the responses.

 

You have to do what you feel like you have to do. I would never advocate listening to strangers over your own gut feeling, I just wanted to point out what youre up against. I seriously wish that you do get your ex back, but Im hoping you can be strong enough to handle whatever happens.

 

Good luck!

[GoGators2008]

You have to do what you feel like you have to do. I would never advocate listening to strangers over your own gut feeling, I just wanted to point out what youre up against. I seriously wish that you do get your ex back, but Im hoping you can be strong enough to handle whatever happens.

Good luck!

 

Thanks. Believe me, I listened to these strangers on here when I first broke up. But at the same time, as time went by, I feel like there's so much more to a broken relationship than a simple no contact and forget about that person attitude. A lotta people on here give great advice but as soon as somebody says I wanna get back together with my ex, it's almost a universally emphatic NO CONTACT, and I just don't believe that fits in all scenarios or situations. Every relationship is different in it's context.

 

Sometimes in life we meet great people but just at the wrong time and the wrong place, and I believe that is my case. The situation we were given in, we almost had to fight because we had so many external stress imposed on our relationship ie. her parents were against her dating me and I hated them etc etc.

 

We'll see how it goes. I'm not sure why you can't improve yourself AND think about your ex at the same time. I'm not sitting here hopeless, depressed, defeated, NO, if people actually READ what I wrote, I said I would like to get back with my ex but I'll let her contact me, in the MEANTIME I'm gonna do all the things to improve myself losing a little weight, going tanning, etc. It is possible for human beings to do more than one thing at a time. Just to let you guys know.

 

Anyways thanks for all the feedback and I will definitely keep you updated.

[Sysyphus28]

"Great" people don't put you through hell , and make you change your personality to be with them.

"Great" people don't dump you and hurt you in a disresepctful way.

 

We all had "great" people.......

 

My "great" person used me as a support system after she got a VD from the guy she cheated on me with.

 

That sure was sweet of her.

[CaliGuy]

Thanks. Believe me, I listened to these strangers on here when I first broke up. But at the same time, as time went by, I feel like there's so much more to a broken relationship than a simple no contact and forget about that person attitude.

 

Do you think the experiences of the many people to come here before you might have something to do with that advice?

 

A lotta people on here give great advice but as soon as somebody says I wanna get back together with my ex, it's almost a universally emphatic NO CONTACT, and I just don't believe that fits in all scenarios or situations. Every relationship is different in it's context.

 

You don't believe it because you don't want to believe it. You need to do whatever it is you need to do to satisfy yourself that you've done what you can. However, the advice you are getting here on LS will eventually turn out to be correct for you. All the people who are giving you advice here are trying to do is save you the tons of heartbreak and wasted time THEY experienced.

 

Sometimes you just gotta experience it for yourself to believe it.

 

Sometimes in life we meet great people but just at the wrong time and the wrong place, and I believe that is my case. The situation we were given in, we almost had to fight because we had so many external stress imposed on our relationship ie. her parents were against her dating me and I hated them etc etc.

 

If she was great for you, the time or place would not have mattered. The simple fact is, she isn't the right one for you. If she was, she would have stuck things out. Oh and about the parents not liking you, don't discount how important that is to a woman. I've experienced it myself.

 

We'll see how it goes. I'm not sure why you can't improve yourself AND think about your ex at the same time.

 

You can, it will just delay the overall healing process. And while your thinking/pining over her, the right woman may come into your life and pass you by simply because you were stuck on the WRONG woman.

 

I'm not sitting here hopeless, depressed, defeated, NO, if people actually READ what I wrote, I said I would like to get back with my ex but I'll let her contact me, in the MEANTIME I'm gonna do all the things to improve myself losing a little weight, going tanning, etc.

 

That's fine but I would put her in the back of your mind. In the meantime, don't just focus on your physical health but your mental as well. Start reading books (I suggest "No More Mr. Nice Guy (Glover) as a good start), invest in new hobbies, make new friends. Keep your mind as occupied as possible so she doesn't take all the extra space

 

It is possible for human beings to do more than one thing at a time. Just to let you guys know.

 

Anyways thanks for all the feedback and I will definitely keep you updated.

 

Look, nobody is "against" you. If the people at LS didn't care about you, they wouldn't respond to your threads. The simple fact is they are trying to help you avoid the pain we've all suffered. Sometimes, I guess, you just gotta get your hands burnt on the fire as well to learn your lesson. The choice is yours.

 

Listen to the good advice here or go your own way and suffer the consequences.

 

Cherers.

[lofi_tokyo]

I agree with Caliguy 100% on all his mini responses to what you've said Gator.

 

The biggest one to me by far is the claim that in a month and a half you've figured out all you can do to fix the relationship. To which Caliguy said something along the lines of it takes years, it doesn't happen over night.

 

You can't just SAY what you did wrong and then change it. Thats not how it works. How it works is you go out, you keep living life, you GIVE UP ON HER and get over her, do your own ****. You learn and change that way.

 

Then someday, if you are lucky, she'll run into you, call you, e-mail you, facebook you, whatever, and maybe you'll hit things off. After a long long time you'll have grown, and you'll have new fun things to bring to a relationship.

 

You really cannot just do what you're planning to do. I know you want to fight us, and maybe you think we're not reading your posts clearly. We are. We've been there. We see what you're saying, we see our past selves in your posts, and to save you from a little bit of the hurt we endured, we are jumping down your thought trying to get counter productive ideas out of your head.

 

As caliguy said, after a point its not a matter of listening to us here on LS anymore, its just experience. Sometimes you gotta burn yourself before you really accept the reality. Sorry we couldn't save ya from that burn.

[GoGators2008]

"Great" people don't put you through hell , and make you change your personality to be with them.

"Great" people don't dump you and hurt you in a disresepctful way.

We all had "great" people.......

My "great" person used me as a support system after she got a VD from the guy she cheated on me with.

That sure was sweet of her.

 

You got cheated on. I didn't. We broke off on good terms. You didn't.

 

Do you think the experiences of the many people to come here before you might have something to do with that advice?

 

You don't believe it because you don't want to believe it. You need to do whatever it is you need to do to satisfy yourself that you've done what you can. However, the advice you are getting here on LS will eventually turn out to be correct for you. All the people who are giving you advice here are trying to do is save you the tons of heartbreak and wasted time THEY experienced.

Sometimes you just gotta experience it for yourself to believe it.

 

But I didn't say I was gonna contact her, I said I'm gonna wait until she contacts me, which will be soon cuz when I went NC on her for 3 weeks she went absolutely crazy. I guess I'm going about NC the wrong way, trying to get back with her, but eventually with time I'll see whether she's worth going after or not.

 

If she was great for you, the time or place would not have mattered. The simple fact is, she isn't the right one for you. If she was, she would have stuck things out. Oh and about the parents not liking you, don't discount how important that is to a woman. I've experienced it myself.

You can, it will just delay the overall healing process. And while your thinking/pining over her, the right woman may come into your life and pass you by simply because you were stuck on the WRONG woman.

 

The time and place always matters. So you're saying every couple that's ever had a problem, that's ever broken up, are destined to failure forever? I understand where the "watch out you're sure to get hurt" mentality comes from because a lotta people here got cheated on and then dumped, but every relationship is different in it's context, every person is different. There are a few examples where reconciliation is almost impossible such as infidelity, but I don't think there's anything wrong with a second chance at something that is worth having. Of course, it's not a one-sided effort, but if the other person is interested in reconciliation then why would you not consider getting back together?

 

For example, my buddy dated his girl for 6 months, broke it off for 4 months, been dating another 9 months or so and now they're engaged and happier than ever.

 

That's fine but I would put her in the back of your mind. In the meantime, don't just focus on your physical health but your mental as well. Start reading books (I suggest "No More Mr. Nice Guy (Glover) as a good start), invest in new hobbies, make new friends. Keep your mind as occupied as possible so she doesn't take all the extra space

 

I read a lotta books actually. I go to the bookstore almost every night and read books on inspiration, self motivation, relationships, etc etc. and it really helps out a lot. I don't really have time to make new friends but I try to stay occupied as much as I can.

 

Look, nobody is "against" you. If the people at LS didn't care about you, they wouldn't respond to your threads. The simple fact is they are trying to help you avoid the pain we've all suffered. Sometimes, I guess, you just gotta get your hands burnt on the fire as well to learn your lesson. The choice is yours.

Listen to the good advice here or go your own way and suffer the consequences.

Cherers.

 

It's always good to know that there are people going through worse issues than you.

 

I agree with Caliguy 100% on all his mini responses to what you've said Gator.

 

The biggest one to me by far is the claim that in a month and a half you've figured out all you can do to fix the relationship. To which Caliguy said something along the lines of it takes years, it doesn't happen over night.

 

A month and a half is not over night. It takes 3 weeks to change a habit, that's twice that time so no.

 

You can't just SAY what you did wrong and then change it. Thats not how it works. How it works is you go out, you keep living life, you GIVE UP ON HER and get over her, do your own ****. You learn and change that way.

 

Then someday, if you are lucky, she'll run into you, call you, e-mail you, facebook you, whatever, and maybe you'll hit things off. After a long long time you'll have grown, and you'll have new fun things to bring to a relationship.

 

So how do you change what was wrong if you don't say it? And I didn't say I wasn't going to live life, and I do my own ****.

 

You really cannot just do what you're planning to do. I know you want to fight us, and maybe you think we're not reading your posts clearly. We are. We've been there. We see what you're saying, we see our past selves in your posts, and to save you from a little bit of the hurt we endured, we are jumping down your thought trying to get counter productive ideas out of your head.

 

I appreciate the comments. They will be in my head when I'm figuring out how to deal with this...really.