Crossroads

[Dragonflys]

I have been in a relationship for the last two months. We have known each other for about four months and are both new to the city in which we live. We are both the same age (28) and are very best of freinds, probably because we both have found it difficult to find many other freinds around here and really like being around each other.

 

The relationship started off romantically, but within weeks the romance began to decline (mainly from her) while we still kept our freindship alive. We still see each other at least twice a week and she calls me more than I do her. Reality is we are very different but what tears me up is that I am willing to accept her differences, but she feels she can only accept mine if we are just freinds. I have been extremely patient and maybe a little too available to her needs. I hate to say it, but most of what we have is based on a need for someone around, and in my case a need for romance aswell.

 

Going back to freindship would be painful for me because after being romantic with her I would still maintain that longing that things could rekindle. If I see her much less often I guess I would get over it sooner rather than later.

 

Although we are still together, something needs to be done and its hard to simply give up given that I think she realy cares for me but is scared to commit in any way to someone who is different to her; and also the fact we are such great freinds.

 

I feel trapped!...help me??!

[Tony T]

We are not talking crossroads here, we are talking end of the line.

 

She has told you she can only accept your differences if you are friends. SHE IS TELLING YOU THE SHE CANNOT ACCEPT YOU AS A ROMANTIC INTEREST. Listen to her. If you cannot have her as just a friend, get away.

 

A relationship simply based on the need to have someone around can be formed by getting a cat or dog. Humans need a lot more ingredients to have a satisfying relationship.

 

It seems she absolutely gave it her best shot in the beginning and tried to force herself to have a romantic attraction for you. She just couldn't pull it off. That doesn't make her a bad person...it actually makes her pretty kind to have given it a try. And it certainly doesn't make you a bad person either, just not the right person for her.

 

The ball is now in your court. I don't think things can rekindle because nothing was ever really there. She was simply trying to make something out of it. So you have to decide if you want to be her friend or not.

 

If this girl is the only one in your town available and you truly seek romance, I am being serious when I suggest you move where there is more of a selection of ladies. You sound like you really desire someone in your life and you deserve that...but you are barking up the wrong tree with this person.

[Lisa]

What Tony says is right on target. I think what happens in a relationship like this one is tha yo want so badly for her to be the "one" that you trick yourself into holding onto something that isn't really there. I am friends with my exbf now and iit is after a 7 month relationship in which we were intimate. I have met several other men in the past 2 weeks alone and I know he has not met anyone, nor is he "looking" and I don't say this out of some conceit that he can't get over me. He is lazy that way! lol Although he is the one who approached and pursue me in the beginning he is not typically outgoing. He has had only one other relationship, that lasted 7 months also, and he threw that one away too. Some people are afraid to commit. Some people are immature. Some people wouldn't know love if it bit them on the ass! And still others hang onto something just to have someone.

 

I often felt like I was dating my brother when my bf and I began going out. That was a SIGN, a big freaking NEON sign!

 

But now I have a friend. I hope that you can get to that point. We can all always use one more friend. You can get past this grief and longing if you realize that you are in love with the idea of love. And not necessarily this girl. So be her friend. And for god's sake don't pursue more if she already has told you she wants nothing else. Noting turns a person of faster than that.

 

I have talked to my exbf and told him how I feel and that I am glad he is my friend; that should he ever need he can call and talk to me, I will always have feelings for him and always care about his feelings.

 

Make your exit with grace and dignity. Or you will regret it one day.

 

Sometimes these things happen, for no reason, that is obvious to us anyway. So, you gave it a shot and your best try. You both had fun, you made a friend, and you should move on with your life.

 

Count yourself lucky that it did not end badly.

[Dragonflys]

Tony and Lisa, I really thank you for your comments and advice.

 

Ironically, her name is also Lisa..its eerie to get advice from another Lisa who is in such a similar situation, but I guess that is why we are here.

 

Well I agree there is no point longing over her, or trying to rekindle something that is simply not there now. Being a great freind with her is the most noble and satisfying (from both our points of view) thing to do.

 

As I mentioned in my original post, this had been winding down for a few weeks already. In the back of my mind though, I still believe that she really does care for me, and whether that is a result of advanced freindship or some real feelings will only be found out in time. So my approach will be to continue to be great to her and have fun and see what happens, without banking on it or longing for it, or even really thinking about it. In the meantime I will keep my eyes open.

 

Tell you what, just from what I felt through all of this and from reading other posts, it is amazing how something that can seem so special can turn without logical reason. There are simply no guarantees in life and one must be very careful and open with a partner to lessen the chance of this happening further down the track (i.e. after marriage), because that would be a 1000x more devastating.

 

Oliver

[Lisa]

Oliver

 

Believe me I understand what you are going through and far be it from me to ever say this is easy. Although my ex and I have agreed to be friends, I know it is going to be difficul. I have become very close friends with his sister, and his best friend, who (incidentally ) has been hitting on me since the day we met. So I often worried about what kind of stuff the best friend was telling him. I laugh now because the "best" friend told him after our first meeting that I was too "wild" for him and he (my bf) should leave me alone! lol

 

But because we frequent the same places we are bound to run into each other. I would hesitate to call him and ask him to do something together, but I know that should we run into each other we can both smile and speak. In fact, one week after the break up we ended up at the same club and he plopped himself right down next to me when there were other seats available to him. It felt odd to not kiss him hello or goodbye when he left 2 hours earlier than the rest of us.

 

But you will survive. And you will be so much happier that you did not end this in an ugly or pathetic way. Believe me it has taken me a long time to learn this; it is so much better to maintain a sense of civility and understanding. You don't want her last memeories of you to be sad or pathetic and you don't want to alienate her either. Yes, you 2 had something together and you can still have the friendship, that is no little thing. Do not discount your relationship; as someone once said to me "Nothing beats a failure but a try". And it makes you so much the better person to let her go in a nice way. Who knows? Maybe she will come back one day. Maybe by then you will have met Ms. Wonderful and Perfect and not care. At any rate, you are living life and not just being a bystander.

 

Good luck, best wishes and keep us posted. You have a good heart.

[Dragonflys]

Lisa,

 

Gee you are great to talk about this with, it is amazing how close to home your advice is (I'm wondering whether you are the Lisa I dated LOL!!!!!).

 

But yes, it will be hard, but I hope if nothing else happens Lisa and I get to the stage where we can call each other and say 'hey lets do something' without there being other feelings there to get in the way of having a good time. Basically we are both stuck here for the next two years or so, so its better if we get on like that at least.

 

Anyway, its been great chatting with you today, if you like you can contact me on my personal email <e-mail address removed>, we can keep in touch that way. We can console each other when things get a little complex. It seems like you would be great to talk to.

 

Oliver